Saturday, March 28, 2020

Nowhere To Run

Please do not take medical advice from a man who looked directly at a solar eclipse.” - Hillary Clinton

Wise words, Hillary.

Now please excuse me while I write an open letter to Trump supporters.

Dear Terminally Stupid Dipshits,

Obviously, you were never going to care about the plethora of crimes against humanity Trump has committed over the last three years. I don’t know why you feel threatened by brown babies, but you do and are therefore, totally cool with baby internment camps.

However, despite all the misplaced faith you’ve put into this conniving hustler, I regret to inform you he does not have the power to assign an arbitrary deadline to a global pandemic. Cancel your Easter plans.

Donald Trump does not care if you live or die. And quite frankly, neither do I.

Best Wishes.
Donna Troy

Speaking of baby internment camps, I’d like to take a moment to remind everyone they still exist. While the rest of us are fighting over toilet paper, there are babies in cages not receiving adequate healthcare.

Also, if you’re still struggling with the toilet paper shortage, I’ve found guilting your mom into mailing you all of her toilet paper is the easiest and most reliable solution. Of course, I have colitis, which is hereditary. The fact that I require more toilet paper than the average person is kind of on her. If you don’t have a legit reason to blame your mom for your toilet paper needs, I don’t know what the fuck to tell you.

Because America has an over abundance of stupid people, and we know this because President Donald Trump, fighting for toilet paper doesn’t even make my list of the dumbest reactions to the Coronavirus. And because some of the stupid people who’ve said stupid things are way overdue for my wrath, I shall share my list with you now.

Donna Troy’s List of People Who Should Fear The Reaper

Kim Kardashian – Kim Kardashian read a book. I know. I was surprised too. Unfortunately, the book she read was written by the late “psychic” Sylvia Browne. Brown predicted an illness would spread around the world in the year 2020 and then vanish as quickly as it came. Kardashian felt the need to immediately share this fact based information with her numerous Twitter followers. As a result of this, Sylvia Browne’s book sales have soared on Amazon.

Kim Kardashian encouraging more people to read would be heartwarming if she hadn’t encouraged them to read total bullshit.

Sylvia Browne also predicted aliens would come to Earth in 2010 and reveal how they built the pyramids. While that would be cool as hell, it clearly didn’t happen.

I feel like I shouldn’t have to say psychics aren’t real, but apparently I do. Psychics aren’t real. Ghosts aren’t real either just in case anyone was confused about that. A quick Google search of Sylvia Browne will reveal she was a total fraud who was caught in numerous lies and actually arrested and charged with fraud. 

Please do not take medical advice from a dead psychic who incorrectly predicted her own death.

And please do not take medical advice from a reality star who only has seventeen percent of her original body parts.

Dr. Drew Pinsky – I didn’t even know he was still a thing, but it appears he still has a radio show. Anyway, the good doctor is against the stay at home orders and is actively encouraging people to go about their normal routines. To be fair, he did say if you’re sick you should stay home. And to be even fairer, most people don’t need a doctor to tell them that.

Dr. Drew claims the flu is more dangerous and he blames the media for spreading fear in order to gain ratings.

Now please excuse me while I write an open letter to Dr. Drew.

Dear Dr. Drew,

Now, I’m no doctor. I know you’re probably thinking, “Don’t sell yourself short, Donna. You’re every bit as qualified as I am to dispense medical advice.” That’s where you’re wrong. I believe I’m more qualified than you are.

For one thing, I know there is a vaccine for the flu unlike the Coronavirus. I also know the flu tends to be seasonal and we don’t know enough about the Coronavirus to conclude if it will pass with the changing of seasons. And I further know people who were asymptomatic have died from said virus. So just staying home if you feel sick, doesn’t seem to cut it.

And while you’re blaming the media on your radio show, you should know having a radio show makes you the media.

Perhaps, you’re feeling a bit of resentment toward the television media because CNN canceled your show in 2016. Because you not once, but twice made wild and false speculations about the state of Hillary Clinton’s health based on both the solid reporting of Sean Hannity and your educated medical opinion that she took too long in the bathroom.

Please go back to doing what you do best. And that is exploiting people with serious drug problems on VH1 until they inevitably overdose while under your care.

Kind Regards,
Donna Troy

Please do not take medical advice from TV doctors who don’t seem to spend much time doing any actual doctoring.

And please do not take medical advice from any doctor who doesn’t know women take longer in the bathroom than men. That’s just basic anatomy.

Rob Schneider – It just so happens Dr. Drew had a celebrity guest on his program while he was laying the groundwork for a medical malpractice suit. And that guest was former SNL star Rob Schneider. According to Schneider, the quarantines arenothing more than political stunts by elected officials seeking the spotlight.” Kind of like of going on a radio show and spouting conspiracy theories is nothing more than a publicity stunt by a has-been mediocre comedian seeking the spotlight.

Schneider further stated he was defying the California stay at home order and taking his wife out to dinner. Which is an obvious lie because the restaurants are all closed. And also, I find it hard to believe he has a wife. He couldn’t have made enough money from those Deuce Bigalow movies to attract even a low-rent gold digger.

If you’re too young to have watched SNL in the early nineties, you may be wondering who the fuck Rob Schneider is. He was known for doing a character known as The Richmeister, an office worker who annoys people by giving them nicknames as they make copies. And now you may be wondering why that was funny. It wasn’t. Calling him a mediocre comedian was very generous of me.

Please do not take medical advice from Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo.

JerryFalwell, Jr. - I shall now quote Reverend Falwell’s take on the Coronavirus. “You remember the North Korean leader promised a Christmas present for America? Could it be they got together with China and this is that present? I don’t know.”

No, you don’t know. So shut the fuck up.

Please do not take any advice from… well, he’s not really offering advice. So I guess, just ignore him.

Madonna – I found myself on Madonna’s Twitter page because Weird Al retweeted a stupid video she made of herself attempting to sing a parody of Vogue which she fucked up. Weird Al tweeted, “See? It’s not as easy as it looks.” Madonna’s song was about how she was about to eat fried fish because she’d already gone through her quarantine supply of sushi. It wasn’t so much a parody in the humorous Weird Al style. It was more Madonna listing the contents of her freezer.

Scrolling down her Twitter page I came upon a video of Madonna in her bathtub talking about how Coronavirus is the great equalizer. It doesn’t care if you’re rich or poor, if you’re famous or whatever you call the non-famous. Anyone can get it.

Now please excuse me while I write an open letter to Madonna.

Dear Madonna,

Bitch, you’re not deep. What you said is true of any illness. What is not equal is access to testing and quality healthcare. That still favors the rich and famous.

Remember how Magic Johnson tested positive for HIV back when it was still an automatic death sentence? And remember how he’s not dead thirty years later? Dying of a treatable ailment is what we call poor people problems.

And while I’ve got you’re attention, stop doing yoga on stage and calling it dancing. It’s boring. Just admit you are a person of limited talent and you’ve run out of ideas.

Also, if I’d had a blog in 1992 I would have told you Vogueing isn’t dancing either.

Kind Regards,
Donna Troy

Please do not encourage Madonna. Bitch needs to retire.

Glenn Beck – A wise woman once said that we are living in a material world and I am a material girl. That’s a message that really resonates with Glenn Beck who has chosen death over poverty. And I quote, “I would rather have my children stay home and all of us who are over fifty go in and keep this economy going and working. Even if we all get sick, I would rather die than kill the country.”

Now, I’m no economist, but neither is Glenn Beck. So I’ve got to say I don’t think this is a sound economic plan. If all the old people go out and get sick I don’t see how they’re going to accomplish a lot of productive work. And Glenn Beck is the host of a radio show. That’s not really a job that improves a sluggish economy.

Please do not take financial advice from a man with no marketable skills. Although, I must admit I really like the part of the plan that results in the death of Glenn Beck.

Namaste, Bitches

Sunday, February 9, 2020

Mad Rush

I saw a meme once which read something like, “Once you hate a person, everything they do annoys you. Look at the bitch over there eating crackers like she owns the place.” I didn’t watch The State of The Union the night it aired because I had a horrible migraine and I didn’t feel like watching that bitch eat crackers like he owns the place.

I turned on the news after The State of The Union and was tempted to go online and watch it after I saw Nancy Pelosi tear up the speech like a total boss bitch. However, my head still hurt and nine out of ten doctors agree that prolonged exposure to Donald Trump can cause headaches, dizziness and nausea.

The previous day I relayed the breaking news of Rush Limbaugh’s terminal lung cancer to my roommate, Dee Dee On The Street. And she said, “That’s because God don’t like ugly. And if you don’t believe in God, karma’s a bitch. And if you don’t believe in karma, no matter how you slice the pie, bitch gonna get cut.”

During the SOTU, Trump bestowed the Presidential Medal of Freedom unto Rush Limbaugh. Now I gotta cut a bitch.

It may seem cold to unleash my wrath upon a man who is terminally ill. But whenever someone dies people always regret not telling the person how they felt about them when they were alive. And I’ve been living with that deep regret for three years. Yes, three years ago on this very blog site I told Roger Ailes that I was coming for him. And sadly, Ailes died in a freak shower accident before I had a chance to slay that motherfucker.

Every day since then I’ve second guessed my decision to delay unleashing my wrath upon Roger Ailes. The election was happening and it consumed my every blog. I thought there would be more time. Perhaps, I should have known Roger Ailes was incapable of showering properly. He was a filthy motherfucker after all. He’d probably spent three decades forcing blonde sleeveless Fox News “reporters” to sponge him off in his office. 

But alas, it doesn’t matter. For he is dead and I will never get the chance to tell the filthy motherfucker how much contempt I hold in my heart for him. Because of this I have vowed not to let Rush Limbaugh die without telling him how much of a repugnant piece of shit I think he is.

You may be asking, “Donna, what makes you think Rush Limbaugh will even read your blog?” To that I say, he probably won’t. However, the Internet is a mysterious and wondrous place. I’ve never tagged Scott Baio in a tweet, nor commented on any tweet he’s posted. Yet, Scott Baio has blocked me on Twitter. Of course, I have mercilessly ridiculed him and called him a pedophile in my blogs and on Twitter. So it’s not surprising that he wouldn’t want to read something I’ve written. I do find it surprising that he may have actually read something I’ve written. 

Now please excuse me while I write an open letter to Scott Baio.

Dear Chachi,

Dude, I have more than one Twitter account.

You can run, but you can’t hide.

Kind Regards,
Donna Troy

Knowing that I got under Chachi’s skin means I will have no regrets when he dies. That motherfucker can drop dead at any time and I’ll be fine. Which is all that really matters.

As you may know, it is common practice for media outlets to produce obituaries of notable public figures in advance. Though it has been my practice to accuse Donald Trump of murdering such notables in lieu of writing obituaries, I have chosen to make an exception in Limbaugh’s case.

My fellow Americans, blog followers and Rush Limbaugh, please enjoy the following:

Rush Limbaugh Dies – The Weary World Rejoices

December 24, 2020

Conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh died today. Idiots around the nation are mourning the loss of the man they called, “The Voice of the Willfully Ignorant.” The smarter parts of the nation are rejoicing as the title suggests.

President-Elect Donna Troy, whose name is being used as a place holder until a clear democratic front runner emerges, stated that one of her first official acts will be to rescind the Presidential Medal of Freedom awarded to Limbaugh. “It’s an insult to all other recipients. Rush Limbaugh will not be included along side such meritorious examples of humanity as Mother Teresa, Maya Angelou, Helen Keller and Mister Rogers or my name’s not Donna Troy.”

Born somewhere in nineteen fifty-something, young Rush dreamed of becoming a TV star like his idol, the chimp from the Today Show. Despite either the inability or unwillingness to read, Rush managed to barely graduate high school. He then set off to fulfill his dream of working in television, but his dream was quickly dashed. In a world where Donald Trump would one day become the host of a hit TV show, Limbaugh was deemed too ugly and unlikable for TV. 

Limbaugh swore he would devote the rest of his life to exacting revenge upon the mainstream media. This dream would not see fruition either as the mainstream media treated him as a joke until the day he died and will most likely continue to do so long after his death.

With a TV career no longer a viable option, Rush followed in the footsteps of such ugly unlikable men as Howard Stern and Don Imus, and turned to radio. It was in radio where Rush found his voice. It was the voice of the loud, obnoxious, inebriated uncle everyone desperately tries to avoid at Thanksgiving. He quickly amassed a following of loud, obnoxious, inebriated uncles being desperately avoided by their families.

Throughout his disreputable career, Limbaugh made a name for himself by making bold statements that have been deemed ugly and unlikable.
He once stated "the NFL all too often looks like a game between the Bloods and the Crips without any weapons." In an unprecedented move the Bloods and the Crips released a joint statement in response. “We find the words of Rush Limbaugh to be irresponsible, reprehensible and overtly racist. He is nothing more than a school yard bully who never grew up and his comments should not be given any credence.”

The joint statement from the rival gangs was especially surprising as it has been reported no one in either gang had even heard of Rush Limbaugh prior to this event. It is believed they heard the news from a neighbor who told them, “Yo, some old white dude’s been talking some shit.”

Limbaugh outraged women everywhere when he dismissed the concept of sexual consent. Limbaugh defended his comments by saying, “No woman has ever said yes to me and I’m not a virgin. So there you go.” 

Limbaugh was also a vocal critic of feminism stating that feminism "was established so as to allow unattractive women easier access to the mainstream of society." Much the same way radio was established so as to allow unattractive men easier access to the mainstream of society.

He was an outspoken critic of the scientific consensus on climate change, calling it "just a bunch of scientists.” In fact, it was his reluctance to believe in science which ultimately led to his untimely death. Limbaugh’s doctors advised him years ago he would live longer if he exercised, ate better, and stopped doing drugs and having unprotected rape, but he refused to heed their warnings.

In October 2006, Limbaugh said Michael J. Fox had exaggerated the effects of his Parkinson’s Disease in an advertisement advocating for funding of stem cell research. Limbaugh said that Fox had been "shameless" in "moving all around and shaking." It is believed Limbaugh was simply jealous because Fox had been deemed attractive and likable enough to have a TV career.

When reached for comment, Fox replied,

On October 5, 1995, Limbaugh stated, "too many whites are getting away with drug use." He further stated "Drug use, some might say, is destroying this country... And so if people are violating the law by doing drugs, they ought to be accused and they ought to be convicted and they ought to be sent up."

In October, 2003, Limbaugh was investigated for illegally obtaining oxycodone and hydrocodone. On his radio show, Limbaugh admitted to illegally obtaining the drugs and being a straight up addict. He was never charged with a crime. This prompted many in the mainstream media to comment, “too many whites are getting away with drug use.”

In June 2006, Limbaugh was detained at an airport when customs officials found Viagra in his luggage. The prescription was not in Limbaugh’s name. Drug officials found this perplexing as it is not difficult to obtain a Viagra prescription, prompting one officer to say to Limbaugh, “Dude, how limp is your dick if a doctor looked at it and declared it a lost cause?”

Namaste, Bitches


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