Saturday, October 24, 2020

Nasty Women, Stand Back and Stand By

There are people alive now who were born before women had the right to vote in this country. Not a lot of people because they’re old as fuck. Like twenty years past their expiration date old as fuck, but alive nonetheless.

Four years ago I was certain our country was about to elect the first woman president. So when the man who was caught on tape saying of women, “Grab ‘em by the pussy,” became president, I was a tad miffed. I previously planned to go on a rampage if we didn’t get a woman president in 2020. When I planned my rampage I didn’t expect Trump to make it through his first term. Or his first year. I actually thought he’d find a way to get out of it before his inauguration. My friends constantly remind me if any of those things happened we would still be stuck with Mike Pence. They have to constantly remind me because I tend to forget that Cotton Hill-looking motherfucker even exists.

Since Trump has almost made it through his first term I’ve had to do a rampage revision. Trump and his enablers have to go, ergo beggars can’t be choosers. And if Mitch McConnell has his way, women can’t be choosers.

Now please excuse me while I write an overdue open letter to Mitch McConnell.

Dear Mitch,

What is the point of you?

You’re the Nicolas Cage trying to be Superman of people.


Donna Troy

On October 25th, the surviving original cast members of Happy Days, a show that took place in Milwaukee, are reuniting to raise money for Wisconsin democrats. Yes, Fonzie, Richie, Mrs. C., Potsie and Ralph Malph will all be there. This pleases me. I’ve also discovered that adult Ralph Malph bears a striking resemblance to my uncle. I was going to threaten to call my uncle Ralph Malph for the rest of his life if he doesn’t vote for Biden. But I’m most likely going to do that whether he votes or not.

Anyway, Scott Baio, who is not an original cast member, is all kinds of butt hurt over this.


Now please excuse me while I write an open letter to Scott Baio.

Dear Chachi,

You’re the Jumping The Shark of people. Literally. You’re first appearance on Happy Days was the infamous Jump The Shark episode.

When Nick@Nite began airing reruns of Happy Days in the Nineties, they didn’t air the Chachi years. At one point, they even had a call in vote to see if viewers wanted to see the Chachi years. At the same time, they aired reruns of Mister Ed.

So you see, Chachi, most people would rather hear from a talking horse than you. So shut the fuck up.

Yours Truly,

Donna Troy

Now please excuse me while I write an open letter to Trump supporters.

Dear Remaining People In This World Who Still Love Chachi,

You’re the Superman III of people. And the cause of my rampage. Please allow me to borrow a phrase from that diseased maniac you so deplorably worship.

If Trump is reelected, you will be met with fire and fury the likes of which this world has never seen.

I also borrowed the phrase, “diseased maniac,” from Superman: The Movie. Please don’t misconstrue my meaning. Trump is neither an evil genius like Lex Luthor nor a stable genius like Gary Busey.

Warm Regards,

Donna Troy

(I have a strongly held conviction that Superman III is the worst of the Christopher Reeve movies. If you’re one of the many people who feel Superman IV: The Quest for Peace is the worst movie, feel free to reach out to me on the Contact section of this page and I’ll be happy to tell you why you’re wrong).


Now please excuse me while I write an open letter to third party voters.

Dear People Who Are Wasting Their Votes and My Time,

You’re the reason we’re in this mess in the first place. You’re the Superman Returns of people. You got my hopes up and let me down.

Grow a pair.

Best Wishes,

Donna Troy


I have patiently put my dreams of a woman president on hold and settled for a woman vice president. But I am not fucking around. Now please enjoy this minor rewrite of a classic poem.

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up

like a raisin in the sun?

Or pester like an itch—

And then rampage like a bitch?

If Trump is reelected, I, Donna Troy, do solemnly swear to rampage all up in this bitch.

I’m still in the planning stages of my rampage, but have decided on Part One. Part One of my rampage is to slash the tires of Trump voters. Not only will this satisfy my rage, but it will force those non-mask wearing morons to shelter in place. On Election Day I will be visiting my parents in West Virginia, the Trumpiest of all states. Since what passes for a police department in that one-stoplight town closes at five and isn’t open on weekends, I’m pretty sure I can get away with it.

You may be thinking, “Donna, how can you be sure you’re vandalizing the right cars?” Trump voters are really stupid so I don’t know why you’re asking. A week ago, my mom passed an unofficial Trump parade. She flipped them off, then called my sister to let her know they were headed her way. My sister went out to the street and shot video of this shit show. Because these people are really stupid they didn’t realize she was making fun of them and were kind enough to smile and wave for the camera.

The point of the parade is unclear. It’s not like I looked at the video and thought, “I was going to vote for Biden, but that’s before I saw a stupid parade.”

I took some screen shots for your viewing pleasure. They are a little blurry as they are of moving cars.

I call this photo “My Babies, Ya Brain Broke.”

I call this photo “Blind Spot” because I’m almost positive it’s illegal to cover all the windows like that.

I call this photo “Not Knowing Your Right From Your Left.” Because if you’re driving on the right side of the road, as we do here in America, the flag on the right side of the truck is backward. This was actually the case for every truck in this stupid parade.

I call this photo “Trumpbo.” I think the flag looks like Trump as Rambo. But my sister thinks he is supposed to be Trump as Schwarzenegger. If you agree with her you may call it “Trumpinator.”

When my roommate, Dee Dee On The Street, impersonates Trump supporters she pronounces America as ‘Merica. So we found this photo of a parked truck fucking hysterical.

Due to the flagrant unrestrained racism of Trump and his followers, a friend of mine, a young black woman, is nervous about the safety of black people if Trump wins the election. Also, due to the flagrant unrestrained racism of Trump and his followers, a friend of mine, a young black woman, is nervous about the safety of black people if Trump loses the election. I’ve assured her I belong to a gang called White Women Watching who will keep her safe. Please excuse me while I write an open letter to the founder of our organization.

Hey Cheryl Whitelady,

You’ve been called to active duty. I guess we need to gather supplies or something. I’m thinking like stun guns, rape whistles and cans of Raid.

Please get back to me at your earliest convenience. Until then, I shall stand back and stand by.

Signed Your Bitch in Arms,

Donna Troy

Finally, I would like to bring your attention to a moment in the final Biden/Trump debate that the news outlets didn’t seem to pick up on. Trump literally said wind kills birds.

Now please enjoy this series of texts between me and my friend Sierra.

Donna: Wind kills birds?

Sierra: Im’ma just start saying off the wall things at the wrong time.

Donna: Toilet paper causes diabetes.

Sierra: I wrote the I Have a Dream Speech in utero.

Namaste, Bitches

Saturday, July 18, 2020

There's Something About Mary

Did you know The Art of The Deal is the biggest selling non-fiction book of all time? It’s not, but Donald Trump claims it is. I would also take issue with calling it non-fiction. Upon the release of the book in 1987, Random House did an initial printing of 150,00 copies. Of which, 4000 copies were purchased by Ivana Trump. Fact.

On July 14, Mary Trump, niece of Donald, released her book, Too Much and Never Enough: How My Family Created the World's Most Dangerous Man. It sold 950,000 copies in one day, which is a record breaking first day sales number for Simon & Schuster. Fact.

I’ve been pushing really hard for a Tiffany Trump tell-all since 2016. I’ve even been helpful enough to provide her with a title that will translate nicely into a Lifetime movie, The Daughter He Left Behind: The Tiffany Trump Story. Since Tiffany either won’t take the bait or is completely unaware of my existence, I decided to read Mary’s book. And I was shocked. Shocked, I tell you. There is a Trump who is actually likable. In the opening, she recounts reluctantly staying at a Trump hotel to attend a family dinner hosted by Donald. I was immediately hooked when I read the words, “so I poured some Trump Wine down my Trump throat.”

Now please excuse me while I write an open letter to and have a Jerry Maguire moment with Mary Trump:

Dear Mary,

You had me at the prologue. You had me at the prologue.

Your Friend,
Donna Troy

When writing these blogs I tend to use a mix of real Trump shit and make-em-ups. Because real Trump shit is so crazy you can’t make it up, a lot of people believe my make-em-ups are real. And sometimes, unbeknownst to me, my make-em-ups are real.

For example, when blogging about Trump’s inauguration I wrote, “Forty-Five took the oath of office using his own Bible, his own Bible being a copy of The Art of The Deal.” Two years later, ousted Trump staffer and reality show villain, Omarosa wrote a book. I read it, expecting it to be entertaining in a Sharknado kind of way. In it, she claims Trump did in fact want to be sworn in with The Art of The Deal, but someone managed to talk him out of it. Instead of being entertained in a Sharknado kind of way, I was all like, “Shit. Sharknadoes are real.” 

In the very same post I questioned the whereabouts of Donald Trump’s siblings and strongly hinted that Trump may be criminally involved in their disappearance. Mary Trump also wondered why no one in the media seemed to notice this conspicuous absence of Trumps. According to her book, the siblings wanted nothing to do with all this wanting to be president bullshit. This doesn’t have anything to do with make-em-ups. I just wanted my new friend Mary to know that I noticed.

Back to make-em-ups.

In another post I wrote, “If abortion had been legal in 1946, I'm sure Mary Anne Trump would have terminated that whole "Rosemary's Baby" situation going on in her womb.” Donald Trump was sent away to military school between the ages of thirteen and eighteen. According to Mary Trump, her grandmother once confessed to her that she was relieved to be rid of Donald because he was such an obnoxious pain in the ass. And now the world suffers because she waited thirteen years before attempting to abort her malevolent spawn.

All the Trumps have similar names for some fucking reason. Most likely so they can pin their crimes on one another. There’s Ivana Trump, Ivanka Trump, Mary Anne Trump, Maryanne Trump, Mary Trump, Fred Trump, Sr., Fred Trump, Jr., Fred Trump, III, Eric Trump, Eric Trump, Jr., Donald Trump, Sr., Donald Trump, Jr. and Donald Trump, III. Yes, there’s a third Donald Trump. He’s only eleven so I’ll leave him alone. Hopefully, he’ll turn out to be harmless. The third sequel is usually boring.

The general theme of Mary’s book is what we already know. Fred Trump, Sr. was a racist, sexist, greedy, narcissistic sociopath of limited vocabulary who begot Donald Trump, Sr., a racist, sexist, greedy, narcissistic sociopath of limited vocabulary. And it’s full of stories that I’m sure would anger Donald if could read at the same level as... anyone.

Now for some new make-em-ups. I shall provide Donald Trump’s responses to some of the allegations made my Mary Trump.

1. Donald’s older sister, Maryanne, did all his homework.

DJT: This is such old fake news, okay. If Maryanne’s so smart, how come I’m president and she’s only a judge. A judge who had to retire, I hate to tell you, and she’s only eighty-three. Because women don’t have the stamina to do the same work as men. It’s called stamina. And it’s called brain power. And there’s lots of things you can call it, but I have it. And everyone knows I have it. You know, people never want to give Trump credit for anything. And this is going way back, before any of you even know, probably. I had a teacher who said the same thing. After class, he said to me, he said, “Trump, I know someone else did your homework.” And this guy, I mean, he was so jealous of Trump because he knew, even as a kid, that I was so much smarter than him. He was the kind of guy that was a loser and knew he’d be a loser for the rest of his life. So it was like, it was like he couldn’t stand to see anyone else win. 

So I said to him, I said, “Where’s the proof? That’s my homework. My name’s on it. Were you at my house last night? Did you see anyone else do my homework?” And this guy comes back at me with, “Boys don’t dot their i’s with little hearts.” And I was all like, “That’s it? That’s your proof. I happen to be like a very warm guy, okay. I was the first person to dot their i’s with hearts. It’s like, nobody was doing it before Trump. It’s how I sign my name.” And this guy wouldn’t let up, he said, “But Donald, there are no i’s in Donald Trump.” I mean, it was unbelievable. So, I told him, I said, “I always sign my full name. There’s an I in my middle name.” And this guy’s all like, “you’re middle name is John.” And I said, “I know that. Who are you to tell me what is my middle name. I happen to spell it J-O-I-H-N. It’s a very old German spelling.” So, ultimately, I graduated and went on to the Wharton School of Business and things worked out very well for me.

 2. Donald hired someone to take the SATs for him.

DJT: I happened to do very well on my SATs, that I can tell you. My scores were like, they were tremendous. Did you notice how I said I did well, instead of I did good? People with low SATs scores, they say I did good. And I did do good. I happened to do very good, I hate to tell you. I mean, look, someone could have taken the SATs under my name. I’m not saying it didn’t happen. They don’t require a photo ID to take the SATs, which I happen to think is a very not right way to do things. So anyone could have walked in and said I’m Donald Trump. It’s a very early form of identity theft, I hate to tell you. Probably, some guy who wanted to get in a good school, he took the SATs under my name. Because as you know, all the best schools wanted Trump. But then, he probably realized there can’t be two Donald Trumps. I mean, now there are three, but back then there was only one. So this guy, who was probably some fat unpopular kid, wanted to be me and quite honestly, who can blame him. But he realizes there can’t be two Donald Trumps. So, he takes some Wite Out, no, they take the SATs with pencils, don’t they? Right, Number 2 pencils, like I said. So pencils have erasers and he erases my name and writes in his own name.

Now all these years later, I’m the president and somebody’s all like, “That’s not the Donald Trump who took the SATs.” But if they dig a little deeper they’ll find… did you know one of the Monkees invented Wite Out, by the way? It’s true. A lot of people don’t know that. It’s a great invention, but it’s pretty useless now with computers and iPhones. And when you look at what happened to the Monkees, it’s pretty sad really. Half of them are dead. And half of the Beatles are dead. If they were smart, half of the Monkees and half of the Beatles would get together and form a group. They could play the casinos and all that. And they could make some decent money. In business, you always have to be thinking of the next thing if you want to stay ahead. I don’t know how much money is left from Wite Out, but if Paul McCartney thinks he’s going to live off that… He doesn’t have a good head for business, Paul McCartney. I mean, the Wite Out thing was great and all, but he let Michael Jackson outbid him for the Monkees catalog. I mean, this guy, is a total disaster when it comes to business. But you know, it’s good because I really don’t care for British people to be quite honest with you.

3. Fred Trump, Jr., brother of Donald and father of Mary, was hospitalized in 1981. The family was told Fred was dying and probably wouldn’t make it through the night. While his parents sat by the phone, waiting for news of their dying son, Donald went to the movies.

DJT: My brother, Fred, was a terrific guy. A great guy, really. But, I hate to say it and I know it may sound cold, but when someone dies, they cease to exist. So the moment the doctors said Fred’s dying, I thought to myself, “Well, that’s it. Fred’s over. I’ve got to get on with my life.” And I thought about how I can best honor Fred’s memory. And you know, Fred loved movies. When he got sick, he moved back in with my parents, who went to a lot of trouble to make him very, very comfortable, I might add. They set him up with a terrific cot in the attic and give him a terrific black and white TV. And Fred would watch movies on that TV for hours. And you know, since Mary’s book came out a lot of people have been saying some nasty things about my parents, who happened to be very good people. They’re all like, “Oh, but Mr. President, your parents were worth hundreds of millions of dollars. How could they stick your brother in the attic?” And I hate to say it, but Fred wasn’t worth shit. He accomplished very little in his life. So you know, beggars can’t be choosers as they say.

And you have to remember, this was 1981. Very few people had VCRs and even if they did, the movie rental business hadn’t taken off yet. So if you missed a movie when it was playing in the theaters you might have to wait years before it was on TV. And then, if it was an R-rated movie, all the good parts were cut out and there were commercials. So you really didn’t get the full experience. Anyway, there was a movie opening that I was really interested in seeing and it’s since become one of the great classic films of all time. It was a movie called Porky’s. It was perhaps the first great teen sex comedy. It started the whole genre. I mean, you wouldn’t have movies like American Pie if it hadn’t been for Porky’s. So I decided the best way to honor Fred would be to see Porky’s. And it happened to be a very good thing I did. You know, I was sitting there, watching this movie and all of the sudden this beautiful phrase came to me - “Locker Room Talk.” And I thought to myself, “What a brilliant, perfect phrase. Locker Room Talk.” So in certain respects I wouldn’t be where I am today if I hadn’t seen Porky’s.

4. Donald Trump once ogled his niece and said, “Holy shit, Mary. You’re stacked.”

DJT: So what? It was just locker room talk, okay. And I know some people might say I shouldn’t say such things to my niece and perhaps I shouldn’t. But then again, you know, my brother Fred is dead. So, it’s not like she’s even really still my niece if you think about it. I mean, think about it. If I don’t have a brother, how can I have a niece? And really, she should be flattered that I even took the time to notice her quite frankly. Because she’s really not an attractive woman. I was only being nice to her because in certain respects she’s still family, but in other respects, not so much.

5. Mary Trump believes Donald probably admires Derek Chauvin, the cop who murdered George Floyd. She writes, “I can only imagine that Donald wishes it had been his knee on Floyd’s neck.”

DJT: Well, sure, I don’t not agree with that. I mean, is there anything wrong with that? With believing in law and order? I don’t think so. Look, I don’t know what George Floyd was into, but he clearly was associated with many gangs or we wouldn’t have so many riots happening. So, you know, I’m sorry he died, but this thug had to be taken off the streets. So had it been me, I would have done the same thing probably.

And Mary’s trying to put a bad spin on that. Such a nasty woman, that one. And you know, I hardly know her. I haven’t seen her in what - ten years, probably? I think, I’m pretty sure the last time I saw her, we were having a birthday dinner for my sisters at the White House. So yeah, that was about ten years ago. But really, I don’t have anything to say to her. But if I were to say something to her… You know, the Beatles wrote a great song. Remember the Beatles? They were a great band. Love the Beatles. The Beatles wrote a song and the lyrics were something like, “Mary, Mary, why you buggin’?” Ivanka used to play it all the time. So if I were to talk to her, which I won’t, but if I were, that’s would I would say to her. I would say, “Mary, Mary, why you buggin’ Trump?”

Namaste, Bitches

Saturday, May 30, 2020

The Roof Is On Fire

In 1992 some random plumber named George Holliday was at home playing with his favorite toy, his camcorder. He pointed the camera outside and captured the footage that would soon shock and horrify even the more racists parts of this nation. Rodney King lay on the ground as four LAPD officers brutally beat him with batons.

Holliday first tried to give the videotape to police authorities, but they weren’t interested for reasons of arrogance, ignorance and racism. So he offered it to the local TV station and they were interested for reasons of ratings and notoriety.

I was in the eighth grade when the Rodney King tape made national headlines. I vividly remember one of my teachers being very fired up about it and saying, “If that man didn’t happen to turn on his camera at that exact moment, those cops would have gotten away with it.” We all nodded our heads in agreement because, of course, they weren’t going to get away with it. They were caught on tape essentially lynching a black man.

Weren’t we some naive honkeys.

Thirty years later, everyone has a video camera in their pocket. Police abuse and murder black people all the time while being recorded and continue to get away with it.

If you don’t know about the recent death of George Floyd, either because you don’t pay attention to the news, or because nothing is on fire in your neighborhood, or because you’re one of my friends who just waits for me to tell them what’s happening in the news, I shall break it down for you.

A forty-six year old black man named George Floyd was in Minneapolis minding his own business on Memorial Day when he was arrested for allegedly passing a counterfeit twenty dollar bill. I know what you’re thinking. Who still carries cash? I thought the same thing, but apparently, some people still do. Weird. I know.

Upon leaving the store where the supposed counterfeit twenty incident took place, Floyd is apprehended by four Minneapolis police officers. Four officers may seem a bit excessive for the crime of Monopoly money, but remember the police thought they were dealing with a criminal mastermind. Or they were just bored because people have been staying home due to COVID.

As Floyd is arrested witnesses on the scene immediately start recording with their phones. If you’re wondering why they felt the need to record you may have attention deficit disorder. Because I just fucking told you about Rodney King. Pay attention.

George Floyd is handcuffed and put on the ground next to the police cruiser. At no time does he resist arrest. Police officer and skilled psychopath, Derek Chauvin, grinds his knee into the neck of George Floyd with the full weight of his body for nearly ten minutes. Floyd cries and tells Chauvin he can’t breathe. Witnesses call out to the police that their killing him. Chauvin ignores them all. The other three officers on the scene do nothing.

After six minutes pass George Floyd becomes unresponsive. One of the officers checks Floyd’s pulse and reports no pulse to Chauvin. Chauvin decides George Floyd is not quite dead enough and continues pressing his knee into his neck for an additional three minutes.

A seventeen year old girl named Darnella Frazier records the entire murder of George Floyd on her phone. At one point, Derek Chauvin looks up at Frazier with his cold vacant eyes and threatens to pepper spray her if she doesn’t leave. She doesn’t leave. She’s traumatized and terrified, but she continues to film. Darnella Frazier is a total badass boss bitch. 

For anyone who is concerned that we may be rushing to judge the Minneapolis police too quickly, or wondering if perhaps, something happened that isn’t shown on the video, I want you to remember one very important thing. The officer’s name is Derek. Have you ever met a Derek that isn’t an asshole? I didn’t think so.

Upon the release of Darnella Frazier’s video, people took to the streets of Minneapolis in protest. After the first night of protest, Derek Chauvin and the psychopaths by association were all fired. This is good news. Usually when police are caught murdering unarmed black men they’re suspended pending investigation. Then the police unions get all involved and say stupid shit like, “Yes, they killed that man, but what the video doesn’t show is that black man was a werewolf. He changed back to human form after he was shot. And you don’t see it on the video, because as we all know, werewolves can’t be recorded. They’re like vampires that way. And it’s important to remember what the Michael Jackson Thriller video taught us. And that is all black men are werewolves and zombies and good dancers.” Then the Grand Jury is all like, “Yeah. Makes sense to me. Not guilty.”

Now that Chauvin and his minions have been fired they are no longer under the protection of the police union’s Thriller defense. And no one’s gonna save them from the beast about to strike.

On the second night, the protests literally caught fire. While I’m generally against arson as a rule, I found myself mesmerized as the protesters set fire to the police station. We’ve seen these protests break out for decades and it’s always local businesses which had nothing to do with the reason for the outrage that end up being destroyed. Unfortunately, local businesses were destroyed this night as well, however, it’s the fire at the police station that fucking blew my mind. I couldn’t help but wonder why no one has ever thought of this before.

As the protesters quickly and quite adeptly took over the police station, the cops sensing them closing in to seal their doom said, “Fuck it. We’re out.” And they fled, fighting for their lives inside a killer thriller tonight.

Not only did they burn the station to the motherfucking ground, but they blocked all roadways in so the fire trucks couldn’t get through to put it out. Again, I can’t emphasize enough, fire bad. However, as I watched this unfold on TV I couldn’t help but think, “That’s so fucking badass.”

As the smoke cleared in the early morning hours, the Minnesota State Troopers arrived and began arresting the few people who remained. And because I guess they thought what Minnesota police needed at the moment was more bad publicity, they arrested a Hispanic CNN reporter live on the air as he was reporting. This was mere moments after they gave clearance to a white CNN reporter. I’m not saying the arrest was racially motivated, but I’m implying it heavily.

Sometime during the middle of this night Trump tweeted, “When the looting starts, the shooting starts.” This prompted Twitter to place restrictions on Trump’s inflammatory tweets a mere three and a half years into his presidency. Way to be on top of things, Twitter.

Since Trump believes looting is a crime deserving of execution, I shall take a moment to address it.

Looting as defined by Donna Troy is the act of taking advantage of the chaos during a disaster or tragedy to help yourself to things that don’t belong to you. Examples of things I’ve seen looted on TV are as follows:

1. Diapers – I’ll allow it. They’re a necessity and Pampers knows it. That’s why they overcharge for them. Serves them right for perpetrating The Great Diaper Con.

2. Food – I’ll allow it. We’re at the highest unemployment rate since The Great Depression. People gotta eat.

3. TVs – A bit greedy, but I’ll allow it. The Target was on fire. If you’re willing to run into a burning building to steal a TV and manage not to die, you’ve earned it.

4. Helping yourself to September 11th relief funds designed to help small businesses recover even though you’re a self-proclaimed billionaire in Manhattan real estate and none of your businesses were damaged. I believe this meets the looting execution standard as set by Donald Trump, self-proclaimed billionaire. Tick Tock, Motherfucker.

Following The Great Minnesota Police Fire of 2020, former police officer Derek Chauvin was arrested and charged with third degree murder and manslaughter. He was taken to prison where he heard the door slam and realized there’s nowhere left to run.

When asked about the other three officers involved, the district attorney said they were still investigating their involvement. This prompted a third night of protesting.

On this night Minneapolis authorities initiated an 8pm curfew and called in the National Guard and State Troopers to enforce it. This did nothing to deter the protesters as they came out in larger numbers than the previous nights. The officers deployed tear gas, but the people came prepared with cans of milk. They rinsed out each other’s eyes and kept marching right into the thick clouds of tear gas.

So. Fucking. Badass.

And I guess the National Guard didn’t have a back up plan because the just kind of disappeared after that.

There was a lot of noise and it was hard to hear what the protesters were chanting as they marched, but I believe it went something like this:

Whosoever shall be found
Without the soul for getting down
Must stand and face the hounds of hell
And rot inside a corpse's shell”

As protests continue, many are wondering how to prevent more riots and fires and presidential looting.

I have come up with solutions and they’re surprisingly easy.

First, vote for Joe Biden in November. Come January, Trump will be a private citizen and can be charged and arrested for all the crimes he’s committed.

Second, don’t murder black people. This one is so effortless I don’t know why no one has tried it before. To accomplish this simply follow my two step plan outlined below.

1. Identify a black person
2. Don’t kill him.

If you find yourself in a position where you have difficulty following Step Two, remember the immortal words of Rodney King. “Stop it. That hurts.”

Namaste, Bitches

Saturday, March 28, 2020

Nowhere To Run

Please do not take medical advice from a man who looked directly at a solar eclipse.” - Hillary Clinton

Wise words, Hillary.

Now please excuse me while I write an open letter to Trump supporters.

Dear Terminally Stupid Dipshits,

Obviously, you were never going to care about the plethora of crimes against humanity Trump has committed over the last three years. I don’t know why you feel threatened by brown babies, but you do and are therefore, totally cool with baby internment camps.

However, despite all the misplaced faith you’ve put into this conniving hustler, I regret to inform you he does not have the power to assign an arbitrary deadline to a global pandemic. Cancel your Easter plans.

Donald Trump does not care if you live or die. And quite frankly, neither do I.

Best Wishes.
Donna Troy

Speaking of baby internment camps, I’d like to take a moment to remind everyone they still exist. While the rest of us are fighting over toilet paper, there are babies in cages not receiving adequate healthcare.

Also, if you’re still struggling with the toilet paper shortage, I’ve found guilting your mom into mailing you all of her toilet paper is the easiest and most reliable solution. Of course, I have colitis, which is hereditary. The fact that I require more toilet paper than the average person is kind of on her. If you don’t have a legit reason to blame your mom for your toilet paper needs, I don’t know what the fuck to tell you.

Because America has an over abundance of stupid people, and we know this because President Donald Trump, fighting for toilet paper doesn’t even make my list of the dumbest reactions to the Coronavirus. And because some of the stupid people who’ve said stupid things are way overdue for my wrath, I shall share my list with you now.

Donna Troy’s List of People Who Should Fear The Reaper

Kim Kardashian – Kim Kardashian read a book. I know. I was surprised too. Unfortunately, the book she read was written by the late “psychic” Sylvia Browne. Brown predicted an illness would spread around the world in the year 2020 and then vanish as quickly as it came. Kardashian felt the need to immediately share this fact based information with her numerous Twitter followers. As a result of this, Sylvia Browne’s book sales have soared on Amazon.

Kim Kardashian encouraging more people to read would be heartwarming if she hadn’t encouraged them to read total bullshit.

Sylvia Browne also predicted aliens would come to Earth in 2010 and reveal how they built the pyramids. While that would be cool as hell, it clearly didn’t happen.

I feel like I shouldn’t have to say psychics aren’t real, but apparently I do. Psychics aren’t real. Ghosts aren’t real either just in case anyone was confused about that. A quick Google search of Sylvia Browne will reveal she was a total fraud who was caught in numerous lies and actually arrested and charged with fraud. 

Please do not take medical advice from a dead psychic who incorrectly predicted her own death.

And please do not take medical advice from a reality star who only has seventeen percent of her original body parts.

Dr. Drew Pinsky – I didn’t even know he was still a thing, but it appears he still has a radio show. Anyway, the good doctor is against the stay at home orders and is actively encouraging people to go about their normal routines. To be fair, he did say if you’re sick you should stay home. And to be even fairer, most people don’t need a doctor to tell them that.

Dr. Drew claims the flu is more dangerous and he blames the media for spreading fear in order to gain ratings.

Now please excuse me while I write an open letter to Dr. Drew.

Dear Dr. Drew,

Now, I’m no doctor. I know you’re probably thinking, “Don’t sell yourself short, Donna. You’re every bit as qualified as I am to dispense medical advice.” That’s where you’re wrong. I believe I’m more qualified than you are.

For one thing, I know there is a vaccine for the flu unlike the Coronavirus. I also know the flu tends to be seasonal and we don’t know enough about the Coronavirus to conclude if it will pass with the changing of seasons. And I further know people who were asymptomatic have died from said virus. So just staying home if you feel sick, doesn’t seem to cut it.

And while you’re blaming the media on your radio show, you should know having a radio show makes you the media.

Perhaps, you’re feeling a bit of resentment toward the television media because CNN canceled your show in 2016. Because you not once, but twice made wild and false speculations about the state of Hillary Clinton’s health based on both the solid reporting of Sean Hannity and your educated medical opinion that she took too long in the bathroom.

Please go back to doing what you do best. And that is exploiting people with serious drug problems on VH1 until they inevitably overdose while under your care.

Kind Regards,

Donna Troy

Please do not take medical advice from TV doctors who don’t seem to spend much time doing any actual doctoring.

And please do not take medical advice from any doctor who doesn’t know women take longer in the bathroom than men. That’s just basic anatomy.

Rob Schneider – It just so happens Dr. Drew had a celebrity guest on his program while he was laying the groundwork for a medical malpractice suit. And that guest was former SNL star Rob Schneider. According to Schneider, the quarantines arenothing more than political stunts by elected officials seeking the spotlight.” Kind of like of going on a radio show and spouting conspiracy theories is nothing more than a publicity stunt by a has-been mediocre comedian seeking the spotlight.

Schneider further stated he was defying the California stay at home order and taking his wife out to dinner. Which is an obvious lie because the restaurants are all closed. And also, I find it hard to believe he has a wife. He couldn’t have made enough money from those Deuce Bigalow movies to attract even a low-rent gold digger.

If you’re too young to have watched SNL in the early nineties, you may be wondering who the fuck Rob Schneider is. He was known for doing a character known as The Richmeister, an office worker who annoys people by giving them nicknames as they make copies. And now you may be wondering why that was funny. It wasn’t. Calling him a mediocre comedian was very generous of me.

Please do not take medical advice from Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo.

JerryFalwell, Jr. - I shall now quote Reverend Falwell’s take on the Coronavirus. “You remember the North Korean leader promised a Christmas present for America? Could it be they got together with China and this is that present? I don’t know.”

No, you don’t know. So shut the fuck up.

Please do not take any advice from… well, he’s not really offering advice. So I guess, just ignore him.

Madonna – I found myself on Madonna’s Twitter page because Weird Al retweeted a stupid video she made of herself attempting to sing a parody of Vogue which she fucked up. Weird Al tweeted, “See? It’s not as easy as it looks.” Madonna’s song was about how she was about to eat fried fish because she’d already gone through her quarantine supply of sushi. It wasn’t so much a parody in the humorous Weird Al style. It was more Madonna listing the contents of her freezer.

Scrolling down her Twitter page I came upon a video of Madonna in her bathtub talking about how Coronavirus is the great equalizer. It doesn’t care if you’re rich or poor, if you’re famous or whatever you call the non-famous. Anyone can get it.

Now please excuse me while I write an open letter to Madonna.

Dear Madonna,

Bitch, you’re not deep. What you said is true of any illness. What is not equal is access to testing and quality healthcare. That still favors the rich and famous.

Remember how Magic Johnson tested positive for HIV back when it was still an automatic death sentence? And remember how he’s not dead thirty years later? Dying of a treatable ailment is what we call poor people problems.

And while I’ve got you’re attention, stop doing yoga on stage and calling it dancing. It’s boring. Just admit you are a person of limited talent and you’ve run out of ideas.

Also, if I’d had a blog in 1992 I would have told you Vogueing isn’t dancing either.

Kind Regards,
Donna Troy

Please do not encourage Madonna. Bitch needs to retire.

Glenn Beck – A wise woman once said that we are living in a material world and I am a material girl. That’s a message that really resonates with Glenn Beck who has chosen death over poverty. And I quote, “I would rather have my children stay home and all of us who are over fifty go in and keep this economy going and working. Even if we all get sick, I would rather die than kill the country.”

Now, I’m no economist, but neither is Glenn Beck. So I’ve got to say I don’t think this is a sound economic plan. If all the old people go out and get sick I don’t see how they’re going to accomplish a lot of productive work. And Glenn Beck is the host of a radio show. That’s not really a job that improves a sluggish economy.

Please do not take financial advice from a man with no marketable skills. Although, I must admit I really like the part of the plan that results in the death of Glenn Beck.

Namaste, Bitches


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