Monday, December 10, 2018

Dead End

Last week the nation mourned the passing of President George H. W. Bush. Because we have some kind of moral code stating it's wrong to speak ill of the dead, the news was all like, “It's the end of an era. He was the last great statesmen. He was the last president from World War II.” I mean, defeating the Nazis was super important, but I think it's about time we reign in this World War II hero worship. I don't care what Tom Brokaw says. It's obnoxious to call any generation The Greatest Generation.

We've been in two wars for like seventeen years now. That's almost three times as long as World War II. I'm waiting for a Brokaw book called Multiple Generations Fighting Multiples Wars With Seemingly No End In Sight. The first soldiers to fight in Afghanistan are now too old for combat. It's like how M*A*S*H stretched out the three-year Korean War into eleven years. By the end Alan Alda had quite obviously aged. His hair was all gray. And it was weird because Hawkeye was drafted. And the Army doesn't draft old people.  

It's important to remember Bush 41 was responsible for some horrific things. Like Clarence Thomas. And George W. Bush. However, Bush 41 did one very important thing the countless obituaries failed to mention. In 2016 former republican President George Herbert Walker Bush voted for Hillary Rodham Clinton. He recognized Donald Trump as a danger to society and a crusher of Bush souls, such as Jeb, and to a lesser extent, Billy. George voted for the only person who could defeat Trump. He didn't wuss out and vote third party. Since Bush had the backbone to fight Nazis to the very end of his life, Brokaw may write a book about him. He'll probably call it Natural Woman. Because more people will buy it if they mistakenly believe it's about Aretha Franklin. That's the kind of shady shit Brokaw pulls. He wrote a book called The Time Of Our Lives after Patrick Swayze died and it's not about Patrick Swayze. 

The funeral of Bush 41 forced a devastating realization upon me. Trump is entitled to a state funeral. I've been living in fantasy world since the day he was elected. I've always assumed Trump would eventually die broke and alone in a federal prison. And we, as a nation, would agree never to speak of him, or this horrible chapter in our history, ever again. But this is not to be. 

The death of George Bush reminded me of the death of Richard Nixon. I was a teenager when Nixon died and I remember being annoyed because his funeral interrupted my regularly scheduled programming. My exact thoughts were, “What the fuck. Everybody hates Nixon. I can't believe I'm missing Days Of Our Lives because a bunch of posers want to act like they give a shit now that he's dead. Whatever, America.” (It was the nineties. Posers was a totally cool thing to say).

I guess if we can't pretend like Nixon never happened, the same goes for Trump. I'm still hopeful he'll die in a federal prison. He is entitled to Secret Service protection for the rest of his life, though. I'm not sure how that would work in prison. It'll be a real letdown if he doesn't get beat up. I mean, Robert Downey, Jr. got beat up in prison. And people like him.

Please indulge me while I go back to my fantasy world and dream of the day Trump dies. Let's look to the future. The day is January 16, 2019. I'm watching The Rachel Maddow Show. (Bush 41 once called Rachel Maddow a sick puppy for reasons I'm not totally clear on. Regardless, it's a pretty lame insult. Not to mention completely insensitive to poor sick puppies). Rachel is explaining how The Chinese Exclusion Act of 1862, signed by President Chester A. Arthur, is connected to Trump's upcoming impeachment hearing when the following news breaks:

Donald John Trump, the 45th president of the United States has died. He was alone in bed, working his way through a bucket of KFC when he choked to death on a particularly tough piece of chicken skin. Though Secret Service agents were nearby at the time of the president's passing, they failed to notice he was suffering due to his persistent habit of talking with his mouth full while grunting.

The funeral is scheduled for later that week. Finding people to eulogize the president proves to be difficult. His oldest three children, his son-in-law, and most of his friends and cabinet members are already in federal prison for crimes ranging from hunting without a license to treason. All former presidents decline the invitation to speak as none feel they can get through Trump's funeral without laughing maniacally while poking at his rotting corpse. What follows is the eulogy given by his one remaining defective disciple.

Scott Baio
Donald Trump was a great man and an even better president. I saw a lot of myself in Donald Trump. We both believed in strong conservative values. We both spoke in plain English. No fancy words. We both liked golf. We were both accused of sexual assault by women who were totally asking for it. Some say Trump was lucky because the women accusing him weren't teenagers. But, again, I need to make it clear Nicole Eggert was eighteen when we had sex. She says she was sixteen. She's lying. Some people say it's still gross because I was in my thirties and if I dated age appropriate women I wouldn't have to worry about whether or not I was committing a crime. They're just jealous because they can't get hot teenage ass. Trump and I had that in common. People envied us.

We both got beat up on Twitter. Some people have asked why I don't quit Twitter if I don't like the way I'm treated. But if I do that, they win. The haters win. I have a right to express myself and make comments some people may not agree with. Trump – he was the same way. He was a fighter. Some people didn't think it was right to put babies in cages, but they don't realize those babies shouldn't have been here in the first place. They had to go somewhere. And Trump found somewhere to put them. I'm sure the haters are going to say, “Of course, Baio doesn't care about babies in cages. He fucks children.” But who defines what is a child? In some states the age of consent is fifteen and in others it's eighteen. That's what conservatives believe in – letting the states define their laws. That's what I believe. And that's what Trump believed. Even though he wasn't in office long, America is a little more greater because of Donald Trump.

Tom Brokaw will write a book about the Trump Administration. It will be called With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility: The Stan Lee Story. 

Namaste, Bitches

Saturday, October 27, 2018

The Postman Always Rings Twice

Back when Mel Gibson was hot he made a movie called Conspiracy Theory where he portrayed a paranoid taxi driver. A decade later a cop made an arrest called Mel Gibson's Drunken Meltdown where Gibson blamed Jews for all the wars and claimed the Holocaust was fake. After decades of hotness Mel Gibson instantly became gross to millions of women around the world.

Earlier this year Quincy Jones gave a long rambling interview where he claimed to know who shot Kennedy. I do too, Quincy. It was Lee Harvey Oswald. Accept it, America.

Speaking of Kennedy, it is time we come together as Americans and admit he is the most overrated president in history. Calm down, Baby Boomers. I'm not saying he was a bad president. I know he was your “cool guy” president. But I think we all know his greatness has been highly exaggerated due to his shocking and untimely death.

This brings me to the MAGA Bomber and one of the many ways he is stupid. Had he been successful the Bradford Exchange would be marketing commemorative Hillary Clinton plates in time for the holiday rush. They would triple the price of the Obama plates they already sell.

Now please excuse me while I write an open letter to the MAGA Bomber and any would be copy cat bombers.

Dear Potential Murderer(s),

I know you hate the Obamas and the Clintons because they want you to have healthcare or whatever, but killing them will only make them martyrs. They will become legendary Kennedy-esque figures in American History. Before you know it, we'll have universal healthcare with no ban on pre-existing conditions. Is that really the future you want?

Best of Luck,
Donna Troy

The targets of the MAGA Bomber were George Soros, Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, John Brennan c/o CNN, Maxine Waters, Joe Biden, Cory Booker, Kamala Harris, Eric Holder, James Clapper c/o CNN, Tom Steyer and Robert DeNiro. Of course, the real victim in all of this is Donald Trump. Just because he constantly incites his supporters to violence and specifically targets all the people the MAGA Bomber specifically targeted, people are blaming him for this. Who wants to live in an America where the president can't joke about the attempted mass assassination of his political adversaries?  If you said, “Yes, Donna, that is the America I want to live in,” but you didn't vote for Hillary Clinton in 2016, your ass better be building a time machine. (Third Party Voters, I will never forgive you.)

But back to the Mel Gibson of it all. Trump supporters have come up with some wonderfully implausible reasons not to blame Trump for this. I shall share my favorites with you now.

1.) Hillary and Obama sent the bombs to themselves according to one old man outside a Trump rally in Charlotte, NC. And what about the DNA evidence connecting the MAGA Bomber to the bombs? “I guess they hired him to do it then,” said Old Man. And what about the other ten victims? “They was probably in on it,” said Old Man.

You see everything can easily be explained away as long as you keep making shit up as you go along.

2.) “I heard something about Bernie Sanders,” said a woman outside a Trump rally in Charlotte, NC. She offered nothing further to connect Bernie Sanders to these crimes, yet felt it her civic responsibility to share what she heard with a reporter on live TV.

3.) Ann Coulter claimed people of “immigrant stock” are more likely to engage in political violence. It sounds like Ann is trying to scapegoat Melania Trump. Ann, I know you have a weird creepy crush on Donald Trump, but getting Melania out of the way won't get you anywhere. You're in your mid-fifties. Trump's not going to date a woman who isn't even twenty years younger than him. Get real.

4.) The Taxi Driver Curse is something I am making up. Years before Mel Gibson played a paranoid taxi driver, Robert DeNiro played a paranoid taxi driver in the movie Taxi Driver. Inspired by the movie Taxi Driver, John Hinckley, Jr. attempted to assassinate Ronald Reagan in 1981 to impress Jodi Foster. And now the MAGA Bomber has attempted to assassinate Robert DeNiro to impress Donald Trump. Due to the Taxi Driver connection in both assassination attempts, we must conclude the movie Taxi Driver is cursed.

Fun Fact: The Greatest American Hero is a TV show that debuted in 1981. The main character's name was originally Ralph Hinkley. After the attempted assassination of Ronald Reagan, the name was changed to Ralph Hanley. Another fun fact is more people remember the theme song to The Greatest American Hero than remember the show itself. The popularity of this theme song is a phenomenon that cannot be explained. You want to hear it now, don't you? Here's a YouTube link: Believe It or Not.

Despite the delusions of Trump supporters and my long-winded excuse to work in the theme song to The Greatest American Hero, most people weren't surprised to learn the MAGA Bomber is a middle-aged white man who loves the fuck out of one Donald J. Trump. And he lives in a van. And he has a violent criminal history. And he has a history of steroid abuse. I was surprised to learn the MAGA Bomber is a former Chippendales dancer. For some reason, I've never thought of male strippers as tragic figures. You tend to think of female strippers as abused teenage runaways with drug problems, but I've never considered the life paths of male strippers. I've blindly believed they're all fine young men working their way through law school while making a quick buck at a bachelorette party. 

Anyway, since the MAGA Bomber was a Chippendales dancer who lived in a van down by the river, I've included the following GIF for your viewing pleasure. I've also included the GIF for the viewing pleasure of my sister and her friends who are Swayze Crazy. Enjoy.

Namaste, Bitches

Sunday, October 7, 2018

And Justice For All

It's a dangerous time to be a man in America. If your name is Brett. I just yelled at a Copper Fit commercial because Brett Favre was in it. Poor Brett Favre. His only crime is being named Brett. I shouted to the TV, “I don't have low back pain, Brett Favre. Because I do yoga and not aggressive man sports like football with your violent tackling and whatnot.”

Poor Brett Favre aside, it's mostly only a dangerous time to be a man in America if you're a rapist. I can't help but notice those worried about men being falsely accused are people known to be kind of rape-y. Like the president. And his sons. And Clarence Thomas. And Bill Cosby's spokesperson.

This reminds me of Bill O'Reilly's imaginary War On Christmas. It also reminds me of Bill O'Reilly because he's kind of rape-y. The imaginary War On Christmas started when Americans who aren't members of the Christian faith asked for their rights to be acknowledged. They said, “Hey, remember freedom of religion and separation of church and state? That means you can't put the Ten Commandments and a nativity scene on the courthouse lawn.” Bill O'Reilly was all like, “Christians are being persecuted. They have declared a war upon Christmas. Our rights are being taken away.”

The truth was Christians hadn't lost any rights. They'd been helping themselves to rights they never had. And just like Bill O'Reilly Christians, Bill O'Reilly rapists have been helping themselves to rights they never had. Rape is not a right.  Although, I can see how Brett Kavanaugh has confused rapists. When a rapist appears in court it's usually as the defendant, not the judge. And that Ten Commandments thing probably didn't help either. Not a single commandment about rape. What's up with that?

Regardless, church-going rapist Brett Kavanaugh is now a Supreme Court Justice. And Donna Troy is fucking pissed. At men named Brett. At rapists. And at rapists named Brett. Donna Troy is super fucking pissed at fifty senators who put a rapist named Brett on the Supreme Court. However, I don't have all day so I shall aim my wrath at a select few. These senators have been chosen by their inability to shut up. You would think placing a rapist on the Supreme Court is a situation that can't be made any worse. Yet these senators have managed to do so. By their inability to shut up.

Senator Chuck Grassley apparently didn't think he had insulted women enough by placing a rapist named Brett on the Supreme Court. He stated there are no republican women on the Senate Judiciary Committee because it's a lot of work. He further described “a lot of work” as meeting every Thursday. 

Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Chuck Grassley,

Dear Senator Grassley,

Why won't you die already?

Warm regards,
Donna Troy

Senator Jeff Flake who's unsuccessful attempt at being on both sides of the rape issue wasted everyone's time. He used his leverage to have the confirmation vote delayed a week while the FBI conducted an investigation. During that very short week, Jeff Flake was hailed as a hero and he didn't shy away from it. He made several public appearances stating Brett Kavanaugh probably shouldn't be on the Supreme Court.

Then the FBI investigation wrapped up early. We learned the FBI was so restricted the investigation was basically a Google search. Jeff Flake glanced over the Google search results which mostly contained clips of Lindsey Graham proclaiming Kavanaugh's innocence. And Jeff Flake was all like, “Yep. I'm convinced. He's innocent.”

Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Jeff Flake.

Dear Senator Flake,

I hope one day you're leaving your office late at night, walking alone to your car in a dimly lit parking garage when you're suddenly attacked by a psychotic lunatic like that guy in Deliverance. Then you're brutally raped like that guy in Deliverance. I know this may sound harsh, but it's the only way you're going to learn.

Best Wishes,
Donna Troy

Senator Lindsey Graham keeps repeating some nonsensical rant about how well he treated Justices Sonia Sotomayor and Elena Kagan during their confirmation hearings.

“When you see Sotomayor and Kagan, tell them that Lindsey said hello to them because I voted for them. I would never do to them what you’ve done to this guy!”

I'm not sure what his point is because neither of them has ever been accused of rape. And I think he's mad about that...?

Anyway, Lindsey Graham is convinced of Kavanaugh's innocence because Kavanaugh forcefully defended himself. 

Now please excuse me while I write an open letter to Lindsey Graham.

Dear Lindsey,

Forcefulness is common trait among rapists. I don't think you really get rape. Perhaps you should read a book on the subject. Or watch Deliverance. Or shut the fuck up.

Donna Troy

Democratic Senator Joe Manchin from my home state of West Virginia. Not only am I pissed because the only democrat to put a rapist named Brett on the Supreme Court is from my home state, but also, the last time West Virginia made the news for something good Mary Lou Retton was on a Wheaties box.

Please excuse me while I write an open letter to the state of West Virginia.

Dear People of West Virginia,

Get your shit together or I will burn this motherfucker to the ground.

To. The. Ground.

Your Fellow Mountaineer,
Donna Troy

Senator Susan Collins said of Dr. Ford, “I do believe she was assaulted. I don't know by whom and I'm not certain when.”

Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Susan Collins.

Dear Senator Collins,

Dr. Ford was assaulted by Brett Kavanaugh in the summer of 1982. I'm certain, you feckless cunt.

Cordially Yours,
Donna Troy

Namaste, Bitches

Sunday, September 30, 2018

Hostile Witness

Once I was watching the news with my grandpa and there was a story about a rape. My grandpa said, “Any man who does that to a woman out to have his dick cut off and shoved up his ass.” I call that Papaw Justice. Just putting it out there.

Brett Kavanaugh's testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee was erratic and belligerent. It was the kind of behavior one might expect from an alcoholic rapist. He displayed very poor judgment, which should be a disqualifying factor when one is applying for the position of judge.

The republican senators only learned one thing from the Anita Hill hearing. They didn't come off looking so good. In fact, one might say they behaved like a gaggle of alcoholic rapists. To avoid making that mistake again, Senator Chuck Grassley hired a lady prosecutor to interview Dr. Christine Blasey Ford on behalf of the GOP senators. It was weird. Dr. Ford's testimony was credible and heartbreaking. Lady Prosecutor seemed to have a hard time prosecuting this clearly traumatized rape victim. Which makes sense considering it wasn't a criminal trial. And I'm no legal expert, but I believe prosecutors are usually on the side of the victim. The lady prosecutor plan was so stupid even Lady Prosecutor didn't seem to know why she was there.

For hours Dr. Ford told the soul crushing story of how Judge Brett Kavanaugh attempted to rape her while his creepy rape buddy, Mark Judge, laughed and jumped on the bed. Only Lady Prosecutor and the democratic senators spoke directly to Dr. Ford. The republican senators all sat ashen faced and silent, with the exception of Chuck Grassley who asked his assistant to get Dr. Ford a Coke. Although Senator Grassley has made it clear he has every intention of placing Dr. Ford's rapist on the Supreme Court, he demands we all acknowledge he was nice to her. Because he offered her a refreshment. Coke acknowledged.

The original plan was for Lady Prosecutor to question Judge Kavanaugh as well. However, once the traumatized rape victim was out of the room the republicans forgot all about Lady Prosecutor. In fact, one might say they all began to behave like a gaggle of alcoholic rapists.

In his opening statement Judge Kavanaugh named all the women he hasn't raped. Because I guess, we're supposed to give him extra credit for that. He was then moved to tears while describing his father's method of keeping calendar records. It was a truly heart wrenching moment for the republican senators who seemed to be really fond of rape and calendars. 
He then screamed something about a Clinton conspiracy. It was as if he'd secreted some weird pheromone that only affects GOP members. All the republican senators began ranting incoherently. It was like the hearing had been overtaken by a gaggle of alcoholic rapists.

Senator Lindsey Graham exploded into what I can only describe as a full on maniacal asshole attack. “He is not Bill Cosby,” Graham shouted to the heavens. No shit. Bill Cosby is a much better actor. 

Graham screamed to Brett Kavanaugh he had nothing to apologize for. Then he scream-asked, “Are you a gang rapist?” I think he should have asked that question earlier.  Asking about gang rape after he told Brett he didn't need to apologize kind of made it seem like Lindsey Graham doesn't care if he's a rapist or not.

Speaking of people who don't have to apologize, Orrin Hatch believes Anita Hill should apologize for being sexually harassed. Or, I guess, just snitching about it. Honestly, I don't know why she should apologize, but Orrin Hatch is adamant she should. Orrin Hatch said the Kavanaugh hearing was worse than the Clarence Thomas hearing. I agree, but sadly for different reasons.

While being questioned/coddled by the republican senators Kavanaugh was a weepy mess. He was all like, “Oh, woe is me. I've been through hell. I may never be able to coach girl's basketball again. Hanging out with teenage girls is seriously, like, my favorite thing in the whole world. It's even more important to me than this judge shit.”

The republicans were all like, “Stay strong, bro.” So touched were they by Brett's hysterical display they didn't seem to realize his obsession with Catholic school girls is kind of rape-y. 

While being questioned by the democratic senators Kavanaugh was an obnoxious, arrogant, spoiled, rich, whiny, frat boy bitch. His parents must accept some responsibility for naming him Brett in the first place. Brett is an asshole name. One might expect an alcoholic rapist to be named Brett.

The democrats all asked why he didn't want an FBI investigation if he was innocent. He had varying answers to this question, none of which were actual answers to the question. He shouted, “I have been dealing with this for ten whole days.” I guess the idea that Dr. Ford has been dealing with this for thirty-six years was completely lost on him. Or he just didn't give a shit as one might expect from an alcoholic rapist.

Kavanaugh stated/screamed he couldn't have raped anyone because he was a virgin until he was thirty-two. Had he bothered to listen to Dr. Ford's testimony he would have known his virginity doesn't prove his innocence. Dr. Ford claimed she was attacked by both Brett and his creepy rape buddy, Mark Judge, yet due to their intoxication she was able to get away. The only thing his interminable virginity proves is that he is bad at rape. Not that he hasn't tried.

When questioned about his drinking Brett yelled, “I like beer. I've been drinking since I was a teenager. It was totally legal. But I've never been drunk because I played basketball and got into Yale Law School.” I'm not sure why he thinks Yale and alcoholism are mutually exclusive. I can think of at least one other alcoholic who attended Yale.

Also, I call bullshit on people who claim they like beer for the taste and not the alcohol. Because non-alcoholic beer is a thing and no one drinks it.

Brett's creepy rape buddy, Mark Judge, wrote a book about his own drinking problem entitled, Wasted: Tales of a Gen X Drunk. In the book Mark, clearly a master of disguise, changed the name of his creepy rape buddy from Brett Kavanaugh to Bart O. Kavanaugh. It's the kind of cleverness one might expect from a failed alcoholic rapist.

Brett was asked if the character of Bart O. Kavanaugh who was described as a black-out drunk was based on himself. Brett screamed, “Don't make fun of my friend, you jerk.” It was the kind of disjointed outburst one might expect from an alcoholic rapist.

I'm reminded of the E! True Hollywood Story of Todd Bridges. Todd Bridges, former star of Diff'rent Strokes, was arrested for the murder of a drug dealer. Todd was so fucked up he had no memory of the evening. He remembered smoking some crack and everything after that was a bit of a blur. When asked if he pleaded guilty or not guilty Todd replied, “I don't know. Is there a third option, maybe?”

Republicans are prepared to place a man on the Supreme Court who lacks the moral high ground of Todd Bridges. 

The last two republican senators to speak were Jeff Flake and the man Brian Williams calls John – No Relation – Kennedy.

Jeff Flake turned to his republican colleagues who had been behaving like a gaggle of alcoholic rapists and said, “Guys, don't be a dick.”

John – No Relation – Kennedy asked Judge Kavanaugh if he swears to God he didn't do this. It was stupid, but I think he was trying not to be a dick after Jeff Flake said, “don't be a dick.” He was probably pissed he had to go last. I bet he was thinking, “Everyone else got to be a dick. But if I act like a dick after Flake says, 'don't be a dick,' then I'm going to look like a dick.”

The next day, after being confronted by rape victims, Jeff Flake coerced Trump into opening up an FBI investigation for the duration of one whole week. He is being hailed as a hero for doing the very least could do. But when one is compared to a gaggle of alcoholic rapists the bar for heroism is pretty low.

Namaste, Bitches

Sunday, September 23, 2018

Reluctant Witness

Rape is bad. I don't know why I have to keep saying that, but apparently I do. I have to say it over. (The Art of A Deal...Appendix 27) And over. (How Low Can You Go?) And over. (The No-Reilly Factor) And over. (Access Hollywood - Special Victims Unit) And over. (A Different World) And over.

It's no surprise President Pussy Grabber is defending a rapist he nominated for the Supreme Court. It's also no surprise he nominated a rapist for the Supreme Court. In fact, I would be shocked – shocked I tell you – if Brett Kavanaugh turned out not to be a rapist.

Republican senators and the like are trying out some truly idiotic defenses for Kavanugh. My favorite being that Dr. Ford is mistaken about the identity of her rapist. She was raped by another student who kind of looks like Brett Kavanaugh. I love this one because it boxes them in a corner. They can't feign outrage over an "innocent" man being accused when they literally accused an innocent man. And just like their fearless leader, they aren't denying she was raped, just whodunit.

The Brett Kavanaugh/Dr. Ford controversy has led to many obvious comparisons to the Clarence Thomas/Anita Hill hearings. It should be noted some of the senators guilty of idiotically defending Kavanaugh and treating Dr. Ford like shit are the very same senators who idiotically defended Clarence Thomas and treated Anita Hill like shit. The Clarence Thomas confirmation was twenty-seven years ago. Remember that if you have any hesitation about voting in the mid-terms. Twenty-seven years. Same fucking senators.

I shall now tell the story of Anita F. Hill for those too young to remember. For those too old to remember. And for those who simply weren't paying attention. The story takes place in 1991. Donna Troy was fourteen years old in 1991. I have pieced together this history through my adolescent recollections, YouTube clips and the HBO movie Confirmation starring Kerry Washington.

Reluctant Witness: The Anita Hill Story

In 1991, Thurgood Marshall, the first African American justice on the Supreme Court, decided it was time to retire as he was quite old. President George Herbert Walker Bush figured he should replace a black judge with a black judge so as not to seem racist. Finding a conservative black judge proved to be difficult as republicans tend to be super racist. They searched high and low until they found a black judge with the whitest name possible, Clarence Thomas. George said, “He'll do,” and promptly nominated him.

Meanwhile in Oklahoma, Professor Anita Hill was minding her own damn business when out of the blue, she received a phone call from an aide or something who worked for Senator Joe Biden.

Aide or Something: Professor Hill, we understand Clarence Thomas sexually harassed you when you worked together at the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission.

Anita: How did you find out?

Aide or Something: We have our ways.

Anita: I don't want to talk about it.

Aide or Something: You want this guy on the Supreme Court?

Anita: No, but I was sexually harassed while working on sexual harassment cases at the EEOC for fuck's sake.

Women who come forward are treated like shit.

Aide or Something: We'll protect you.

Anita: I don't want my name to go public.

Aide or Something: Cool.

The next thing you know an aide or something leaked Anita Hill's story to the press and she was subpoenaed to testify before Congress. With all of three days to prepare, she got her shit together and hired some lawyers.

Meanwhile back in D.C., Clarence Thomas made a statement, variations of which, all men accused of sexual harassment will use to this very day. While I don't remember doing anything that can be construed as sexual harassment, I'm sorry if she misinterpreted my actions.”

Anita Hill flew to Washington and prepared to testify in front of all white male senators. This group of senators included such notables as:

Super Predator Senator Ted Kennedy who once got drunk, drove his car into a lake, saved himself and left his mistress to drown. Then went back to his hotel to sleep it off without calling for help.

Super Racist Senator Strom Thurmond who, with his back against the wall, was forced to choose misogyny over racism.

Super Douche-Bag Senator Orrin Hatch who can currently be found abusing a rape victim via Twitter.

Senior Super Douche-Bag Senator Chuck Grassley who can currently be found abusing a rape victim via Twitter.

Anita Hill began her testimony by recounting the many instances of sexual harassment perpetrated by Clarence Thomas. What sticks out from my adolescent memories are something about pubes on a Coke can and a porn star named Long Dong Silver. However, I confused him with Long Duk Dong from the movie, Sixteen Candles, and I couldn't figure out how Molly Ringwald got involved in all this.

Professor Hill was then treated like shit by the senators. Since there is really no difference between them, I shall refer to each senator as Strom Thurmond.

Strom Thurmond: Isn't it true you wanted to date Clarence Thomas and you're basically just a scorned lover?

Anita: No.

Strom Thurmond: Professor Hill, are you horny right now?

Anita: No.

Strom Thurmond: I went to the library and told the librarian to bring me every book that mentions a pubic hair. She told me they don't catalog books that way. I said, “Dammit, bring me a book with a pubic hair.” She said, “I think there was something in The Exorcist.” I said, “Do you know what page? I don't want to read the whole book.” She said, “No.” So, I read the whole book and right here on Page 229 is an alien pubic hair. Professor Hill, what say you to that?

Anita: I don't understand the question.

Strom Thurmond: Have you read The Exorcist?

Anita: No.

Strom Thurmond: I find that hard to believe. Page 229.

Anita: Is that a question?

Strom Thurmond: Were you drinking?

Anita: I'm sorry. Is the question 'was I drinking when you read The Exorcist'?

Strom Thurmond: Were you drinking when you had dinner with Judge Thomas?

Anita: No.

Strom Thurmond: Did Judge Thomas ask you to watch the Long Dong Silver movie with him?

Anita: No, he said I should watch it.

Strom Thurmond: Well, then, how is that sexual harassment?

Anita: He described pornography to me in graphic detail at work.

Strom Thurmond: Why did you wait so long to come forward?

Anita: I didn't come forward. I was subpoenaed.

Strom Thurmond: Why did you wait to be subpoenaed to come forward?

Anita: I'm not sure what you're asking.

After seven hours of that kind of bullshit they dismissed Anita Hill. Clarence Thomas was then brought in to testify. He opened with a statement that went something like: “I'm a black man. This is some racist bullshit. This is a public lynching. Deal with that, Whitey.”

The white senators all looked at Super Racist Strom Thurmond and realized they didn't have a lot of credibility in the racism department. And that is how Clarence Thomas became a Supreme Court Justice.

Oddly enough, none of the senators looked at Super Predator Ted Kennedy and realized they didn't have a lot of credibility in the misogyny department.

All is not lost for every time someone says the words, “Justice Clarence Thomas,” everyone is thinking “Anita Hill.” Suck on that, Clarence.

Author's Note: That Exorcist shit really happened and current sitting senator Orrin Hatch was the perpetrator. Although, my telling of the event wasn't entirely accurate. I inadvertently made Orrin Hatch seem more intelligent than he appeared. My apologies to the reader. My imagination is not as stupid as Orrin Hatch.

Namaste, Bitches

Monday, August 27, 2018

Friends In Low Places

If you're reading this blog, I'm working under the assumption you've never watched a complete episode of Fox & Friends. I hadn't either until last week. I was compelled to do so with the promise of the first Trump interview after the guilty verdicts of Paul Manafort. And the guilty pleas of Michael Cohen. And the release of Omarosa's tell-all book and secret recordings. And the immunity granted to Trump's CFO and his Pecker.

Fox & Friends airs from 6:00am to 9:00am. I will only get up at 6:00am if my apartment building is on fire. Even then it depends on how close the fire is to my bedroom. Ergo, I recorded Fox & Friends and watched it later that evening. I only planned to watch the Trump interview and fast forward through everything else. However, I found myself watching every stupid minute. If you have never viewed a full episode of Fox & Friends, I highly recommend you do so because it's fucking hilarious.

I shall now recap Fox & Friends for your reading pleasure. The hosts of Fox & Friends are Steve Doocy, some other white guy and some pretty lady with vacant eyes. I only remember Steve Doocy's name because it's fun to say.

The Trump interview was 22 minutes long. They replayed it every hour in varying “chunks,” as they called it. In the remaining time, they followed two other top stories. The first story was about an ISIS attack in Paris. I was perplexed by this as I had heard nothing of such an attack on the real news. (The real news being what Trump refers to as the fake news.)

The first F&F reporting of the attack claimed an ISIS terrorist killed 3 women in Paris with a knife. And an ISIS leader believed to be dead was actually alive and taking credit for the attack. Halfway through the show the story was updated. The 3 women killed were the mother and sister of the terrorist and some random lady who got in the way. And an ISIS leader believed to be dead was actually alive and taking credit for the attack. The final update of the story came shortly before they went off the air. Paris police confirmed this was not a terrorist attack. The perp was an unstable person who was super pissed at his mom, his sister and the random lady who got in the way. And an ISIS leader believed to be dead may be alive, but this is unconfirmed.

The second story F&F followed closely was the murder of a young woman named Mollie Tibbetts in Iowa. I'm a little fuzzy on the details as I got them from the Fox & Friends. Mollie was out jogging and was murdered by an undocumented immigrant. While I'm in favor of deporting murderers, even white ones who were born here, I'm also anti-jogging. Nothing good comes from jogging. Joggers are either attacked or they find a dead body. Every Law & Order starts with a jogger coming across a dead body. And they don't stop running when they find it. They run in place, staring at the dead body likes it's completely normal. 

The murderer was employed by a farm or a drug store or a bike shop. As I said, the Fox & Friends aren't so clear with the details. What I found particularly interesting was their take on E-Verify. I've had to run numerous E-Verify checks in my line of work, so the ignorance of the Fox & Friends was plainly evident to me. If you are unfamiliar with the process of running an E-Verify check, I previously described it in a blog entitled The White Album. Please refer to said blog for more info on E-Verify as I don't feel like describing the whole process again.

In the first report of this story, Doocy said the employer ran an E-Verify on the murderer and it came back clear. “No, he didn't, Doocy,” I said to the TV. Upon the next update, the other white guy said the employer ran the “wrong E-Verify.”  Like there's some black market E-Verify on the not-so-dark web. The “wrong E-Verify” isn't a thing. In the final update of this story, it was revealed the employer didn't run an E-Verfiy check after all. “No shit, Steve Doocy. I told you that 2 hours ago.”

Now on to the top top story of the day:  The Fox & Friends Trump Interview. I shall transcribe the interview the way I heard it in my head. The interview took place in the White House rose garden and was conducted by the pretty lady with the vacant eyes, who shall hereinafter be referred to as Vacant Eyes.

I Never Promised You a Rose Garden

Vacant Eyes: Mr. President, thank you so much for sitting down with me. How are you doing?

DJT: Fantastic. I'm doing tremendous things right now. The economy has never been stronger and people are telling me, it's like, it's the best they've felt about America since perhaps, Abe Lincoln, was in the White House. So, I'm doing great, Ainsley. And I have to tell you, you look great yourself.

Vacant Eyes: How do you handle all of that?

DJT: You know, my whole life, it's like, there's always been controversy. People say to me, “Trump, there's always controversy around you.” And, perhaps, that's true. And you may not know this, but that's been true of all the great leaders through the whole history of America. I mean, look at Abe Lincoln. People say he was one of the great presidents. And a lot of people don't know this, but he was a republican. Amy, did you know that? Even democrats are like, Lincoln was great. But at the time, he was despised by like, half the country. It's true. So he was able to overcome that. And I see a lot of myself in Lincoln. Controversy is, perhaps, not such a bad thing.

Vacant Eyes: Well, speaking of – yesterday – huge news day. There's a lot breaking today, as well. Michael Cohen – tell me about your relationship with him.

DJT: I barely knew the guy, okay. He was one of my lawyers and the fake news calls him my fixer. They add that. They say lawyer and then they add fixer. And he only worked for my for like, ten years, or something. I really, I don't know him that well. He did some work for me, but he was more like, it was part time. And I wasn't his only client, you know. There was like Sean Hannity and one other guy. So, and he had other business. Like the taxi thing. He ran taxis. And they found out some things about the taxi business that were not so great. So most of the charges, they were about his taxi business. And then they tack on the last two were about campaign. And those are really, they aren't even a crime. That I can tell you.

Vacant Eyes: He said – one story said you didn't know anything about the payments and now he's saying that you directed him to make these payments. Did you direct him to make these payments?

DJT:  He made payments and such as my attorney, but I didn't always know because when you have as many businesses as Trump. So you can say he was making these payments on my behalf, but also, it was his decision not Trump's.

Vacant Eyes: Did you know about the payments?

DJT: Well, I knew about them – I think I heard about them on your show, Angie. And they didn't come out of campaign. When I first heard about them that's the first thing I asked. Did they come from campaign? Because that's a little dicey even though it's not a crime. And I self-funded my campaign, but also, you're dealing with donors.

Vacant Eyes: Why is he doing this? He was your attorney.

DJT: It's called flipping. He's a flipper. You remember that TV show, Flipper? I think it was about a dolphin or a seal. And how can a dolphin be the star of the show? He can't even talk. And when you look at Mister Ed. He was a horse, but he was a talking horse. So you had a show there. And then there's this show about a flipping dolphin and Trump never won an Emmy. I don't know anyone who watched The Amazing Race. You look at The Apprentice. It was the number one show. And I hired Michael Cohen around the time I started The Apprentice to take care of some deals. So they get him on these other charges, which, by the way, have nothing to do with Trump or collusion. No collusion. He's looking at something, like forty years, and they say – it's called flipping. They say you say something bad about Trump and we'll drop that down to five years. I've known flippers for fifty years, my whole life really, and it really ought to be illegal. And the two charges they tack on about campaign finance aren't even crimes. He should never have plead guilty to those. That I can tell you. 

Vacant Eyes: If you're saying the payments – if they're not illegal, then why would he even – why would he use that information for a plea deal?

DJT: He's – I hate to say it, but he's kind of a wimp. I mean, look how quickly he folded. But that's why I have such respect for Paul Manafort. They raided his house at five o'clock in the morning. On a Sunday. With his wife in bed. And they have guns and storm troopers. And for what? No collusion. Not a single charge with Manafort or Cohen have anything to do with Trump or collusion. And why isn't Mueller investigating the other side. I mean, what Hillary Clinton got away with – emails. And no one's looking into that. Barrack Obama took hundreds of thousands of dollars from campaign donors. He spent that money on signs. Signs. If you can believe it. And you know what those signs said? Vote For Obama. That's what they said in big letters. Vote For Obama. You tell me. How is that legal?

Vacant Eyes: Double standard?

DJT: Sure, it's a double standard. When the failing New York Times – they never want to write stories about all my successes. Black unemployment is at the lowest in any time in history. Woman unemployment is at the lowest at any time in history. And don't forget, Annie, I had a black woman working in the White House – Omarosa, if you can believe it. And, perhaps, that makes me in some ways, a better president than Lincoln. You know, he didn't have a black or a woman working in his White House. Omarosa – she'd be nothing without Trump. You know, she worked in the Clinton White House. A lot of people don't know that. 

She was fired from that White House, too and nobody calls Bill Clinton a racist. And people say, “Oh, but, Mr. Trump, Bill Clinton didn't call her a dog.” I don't know that. The fact is – no one ever heard of Omarosa before Trump. Bill Clinton could have called her lots of things and we wouldn't know because who ever heard of Omarosa at that time? How do we know Bill Clinton wasn't the first person to call her the N-word? And the Fake News – they act like Trump is the first person to ever use the N-word in history. And I'm not saying I said it, but when you go back and look at the leaders in the past – that word was used a lot. People are worried about is there a tape with Trump using the N-word. But no one ever heard of a black woman working in the White House before Trump. They don't want to give me credit for that.

Vacant Eyes: Are you considering pardoning Paul Manafort?

DJT: Well, that's something to consider, Abbey. None of the charges had anything to do with Trump. And frankly, I don't know what's in it for me to pardon him. No Russia. No collusion. It's a hoax. It's been a hoax from the very beginning. When I have an attorney general who recused himself. I'll tell you – he shouldn't have taken the job if he was going to recuse himself. I gave him the job out of loyalty, okay. I'm a very loyal person. But the guy – he has no loyalty. And I – it's like I need control over my “justice” department, okay. I put “justice” in quotes now because there's no “justice.” There's no “justice” at all. And maybe – I hate to say it, but it's possible Jeff Sessions wants me out of office. Attorney General is third in line for the presidency. A lot of people don't know that. And I think Jeff may be trying to stage a coup. That's what they called it in the old days – a coup. He'd have to get rid of me, which will be tough. My approval ratings are through the roof. But if he pulled it off, which he won't, then he'd only have to get rid of Mike Pence, which – not so tough. Then Jeff Sessions would be president. It's called a coup.

Vacant Eyes: Seventy-six days away from the midterms. Hard to believe. If the democrats take back power, do you believe they will try to impeach you?

DJT: It's something like high crimes... I've never been high in my life, by the way. Never had a drink. Don't smoke. I had a brother, Fred. He was one of the great guys. But he was an alcoholic. And he died young, Fred did. Because he drank, perhaps, a bit too much. So he died. And people say to me, “Oh, but Mr. Trump, you didn't let your brother's family receive their share of your father's inheritance.” And I'm like, so what? The man was my father not Fred's kid's father. Who, I guess, are my nieces and nephews or – I don't really know them. They need to make their own way with what their father left them. Which, I assume, was an empty liquor cabinet. But if they brand it right - as a Trump liquor cabinet, it could be worth millions. Probably more than the small inheritance they would have received. And I'll tell you, Audrey, if I ever were impeached this country would end up as poor, if not poorer than my brother's children. That I can tell you.

Namaste, Bitches


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