It's
a dangerous time to be a man in America. If your name is Brett. I just yelled
at a Copper Fit commercial because Brett Favre was in it. Poor Brett Favre. His
only crime is being named Brett. I shouted to the TV, “I don't have low back
pain, Brett Favre. Because I do yoga and not aggressive man sports like
football with your violent tackling and whatnot.”
Poor
Brett Favre aside, it's mostly only a dangerous time to be a man in America if
you're a rapist. I can't help but notice those worried about men being falsely
accused are people known to be kind of rape-y. Like the president. And his
sons. And Clarence Thomas. And Bill Cosby's spokesperson.
This
reminds me of Bill O'Reilly's imaginary War On Christmas. It also reminds me of
Bill O'Reilly because he's kind of rape-y. The imaginary War On Christmas
started when Americans who aren't members of the Christian faith asked for
their rights to be acknowledged. They said, “Hey, remember freedom of religion
and separation of church and state? That means you can't put the Ten
Commandments and a nativity scene on the courthouse lawn.” Bill O'Reilly was
all like, “Christians are being persecuted. They have declared a war upon
Christmas. Our rights are being taken away.”
The
truth was Christians hadn't lost any rights. They'd been helping themselves to
rights they never had. And just like Bill O'Reilly Christians, Bill O'Reilly
rapists have been helping themselves to rights they never had. Rape is not a
right. Although, I can see how Brett Kavanaugh has confused rapists. When a rapist appears in court it's usually as
the defendant, not the judge. And that Ten Commandments thing probably didn't
help either. Not a single commandment about rape. What's up with that?
Regardless,
church-going rapist Brett Kavanaugh is now a Supreme Court Justice. And Donna
Troy is fucking pissed. At men named Brett. At rapists. And at rapists named
Brett. Donna Troy is super fucking pissed at fifty senators who put a rapist
named Brett on the Supreme Court. However, I don't have all day so I shall aim
my wrath at a select few. These senators have been chosen by their inability to
shut up. You would think placing a rapist on the Supreme Court is a situation
that can't be made any worse. Yet these senators have managed to do so. By their
inability to shut up.
Senator
Chuck Grassley apparently didn't think he had insulted women enough by placing
a rapist named Brett on the Supreme Court. He stated there are no republican
women on the Senate Judiciary Committee because it's a lot of work. He further
described “a lot of work” as meeting every Thursday.
Please excuse me while I
write an open letter to Chuck Grassley,
Dear
Senator Grassley,
Why
won't you die already?
Warm
regards,
Donna
Troy
Senator
Jeff Flake who's unsuccessful attempt at being on both sides of the rape issue
wasted everyone's time. He used his leverage to have the confirmation vote
delayed a week while the FBI conducted an investigation. During that very short
week, Jeff Flake was hailed as a hero and he didn't shy away from it. He made
several public appearances stating Brett Kavanaugh probably shouldn't be on the
Supreme Court.
Then
the FBI investigation wrapped up early. We learned the FBI was so restricted
the investigation was basically a Google search. Jeff Flake glanced over the
Google search results which mostly contained clips of Lindsey Graham
proclaiming Kavanaugh's innocence. And Jeff Flake was all like, “Yep. I'm
convinced. He's innocent.”
Please
excuse me while I write an open letter to Jeff Flake.
Dear
Senator Flake,
I
hope one day you're leaving your office late at night, walking alone to your car
in a dimly lit parking garage when you're suddenly attacked by a psychotic
lunatic like that guy in Deliverance. Then you're brutally raped like that guy
in Deliverance. I know this may sound harsh, but it's the only way you're going
to learn.
Best
Wishes,
Donna
Troy
Senator
Lindsey Graham keeps repeating some nonsensical rant about how well he treated
Justices Sonia Sotomayor and Elena Kagan during their confirmation hearings.
“When
you see Sotomayor and Kagan, tell them that Lindsey said hello to them because
I voted for them. I would never do to them what you’ve done to this guy!”
I'm
not sure what his point is because neither of them has ever been accused of
rape. And I think he's mad about that...?
Anyway,
Lindsey Graham is convinced of Kavanaugh's innocence because Kavanaugh forcefully
defended himself.
Now please excuse me while I write an open letter to Lindsey
Graham.
Dear
Lindsey,
Forcefulness
is common trait among rapists. I don't think you really get rape. Perhaps you
should read a book on the subject. Or watch Deliverance. Or shut the fuck up.
Sincerely,
Donna
Troy
Democratic
Senator Joe Manchin from my home state of West Virginia. Not only am I pissed
because the only democrat to put a rapist named Brett on the Supreme Court is
from my home state, but also, the last time West Virginia made the news for
something good Mary Lou Retton was on a Wheaties box.
Please
excuse me while I write an open letter to the state of West Virginia.
Dear
People of West Virginia,
Get
your shit together or I will burn this motherfucker to the ground.
To.
The. Ground.
Your
Fellow Mountaineer,
Donna
Troy
Senator
Susan Collins said of Dr. Ford, “I do believe she was assaulted. I don't
know by whom and I'm not certain when.”
Please
excuse me while I write an open letter to Susan Collins.
Dear
Senator Collins,
Dr.
Ford was assaulted by Brett Kavanaugh in the summer of 1982. I'm certain, you
feckless cunt.
Cordially
Yours,
Donna
Troy
Namaste,
Bitches
