Sunday, September 30, 2018

Hostile Witness

Once I was watching the news with my grandpa and there was a story about a rape. My grandpa said, “Any man who does that to a woman out to have his dick cut off and shoved up his ass.” I call that Papaw Justice. Just putting it out there.

Brett Kavanaugh's testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee was erratic and belligerent. It was the kind of behavior one might expect from an alcoholic rapist. He displayed very poor judgment, which should be a disqualifying factor when one is applying for the position of judge.

The republican senators only learned one thing from the Anita Hill hearing. They didn't come off looking so good. In fact, one might say they behaved like a gaggle of alcoholic rapists. To avoid making that mistake again, Senator Chuck Grassley hired a lady prosecutor to interview Dr. Christine Blasey Ford on behalf of the GOP senators. It was weird. Dr. Ford's testimony was credible and heartbreaking. Lady Prosecutor seemed to have a hard time prosecuting this clearly traumatized rape victim. Which makes sense considering it wasn't a criminal trial. And I'm no legal expert, but I believe prosecutors are usually on the side of the victim. The lady prosecutor plan was so stupid even Lady Prosecutor didn't seem to know why she was there.

For hours Dr. Ford told the soul crushing story of how Judge Brett Kavanaugh attempted to rape her while his creepy rape buddy, Mark Judge, laughed and jumped on the bed. Only Lady Prosecutor and the democratic senators spoke directly to Dr. Ford. The republican senators all sat ashen faced and silent, with the exception of Chuck Grassley who asked his assistant to get Dr. Ford a Coke. Although Senator Grassley has made it clear he has every intention of placing Dr. Ford's rapist on the Supreme Court, he demands we all acknowledge he was nice to her. Because he offered her a refreshment. Coke acknowledged.

The original plan was for Lady Prosecutor to question Judge Kavanaugh as well. However, once the traumatized rape victim was out of the room the republicans forgot all about Lady Prosecutor. In fact, one might say they all began to behave like a gaggle of alcoholic rapists.

In his opening statement Judge Kavanaugh named all the women he hasn't raped. Because I guess, we're supposed to give him extra credit for that. He was then moved to tears while describing his father's method of keeping calendar records. It was a truly heart wrenching moment for the republican senators who seemed to be really fond of rape and calendars. 
He then screamed something about a Clinton conspiracy. It was as if he'd secreted some weird pheromone that only affects GOP members. All the republican senators began ranting incoherently. It was like the hearing had been overtaken by a gaggle of alcoholic rapists.

Senator Lindsey Graham exploded into what I can only describe as a full on maniacal asshole attack. “He is not Bill Cosby,” Graham shouted to the heavens. No shit. Bill Cosby is a much better actor. 

Graham screamed to Brett Kavanaugh he had nothing to apologize for. Then he scream-asked, “Are you a gang rapist?” I think he should have asked that question earlier.  Asking about gang rape after he told Brett he didn't need to apologize kind of made it seem like Lindsey Graham doesn't care if he's a rapist or not.

Speaking of people who don't have to apologize, Orrin Hatch believes Anita Hill should apologize for being sexually harassed. Or, I guess, just snitching about it. Honestly, I don't know why she should apologize, but Orrin Hatch is adamant she should. Orrin Hatch said the Kavanaugh hearing was worse than the Clarence Thomas hearing. I agree, but sadly for different reasons.

While being questioned/coddled by the republican senators Kavanaugh was a weepy mess. He was all like, “Oh, woe is me. I've been through hell. I may never be able to coach girl's basketball again. Hanging out with teenage girls is seriously, like, my favorite thing in the whole world. It's even more important to me than this judge shit.”

The republicans were all like, “Stay strong, bro.” So touched were they by Brett's hysterical display they didn't seem to realize his obsession with Catholic school girls is kind of rape-y. 

While being questioned by the democratic senators Kavanaugh was an obnoxious, arrogant, spoiled, rich, whiny, frat boy bitch. His parents must accept some responsibility for naming him Brett in the first place. Brett is an asshole name. One might expect an alcoholic rapist to be named Brett.

The democrats all asked why he didn't want an FBI investigation if he was innocent. He had varying answers to this question, none of which were actual answers to the question. He shouted, “I have been dealing with this for ten whole days.” I guess the idea that Dr. Ford has been dealing with this for thirty-six years was completely lost on him. Or he just didn't give a shit as one might expect from an alcoholic rapist.

Kavanaugh stated/screamed he couldn't have raped anyone because he was a virgin until he was thirty-two. Had he bothered to listen to Dr. Ford's testimony he would have known his virginity doesn't prove his innocence. Dr. Ford claimed she was attacked by both Brett and his creepy rape buddy, Mark Judge, yet due to their intoxication she was able to get away. The only thing his interminable virginity proves is that he is bad at rape. Not that he hasn't tried.

When questioned about his drinking Brett yelled, “I like beer. I've been drinking since I was a teenager. It was totally legal. But I've never been drunk because I played basketball and got into Yale Law School.” I'm not sure why he thinks Yale and alcoholism are mutually exclusive. I can think of at least one other alcoholic who attended Yale.

Also, I call bullshit on people who claim they like beer for the taste and not the alcohol. Because non-alcoholic beer is a thing and no one drinks it.

Brett's creepy rape buddy, Mark Judge, wrote a book about his own drinking problem entitled, Wasted: Tales of a Gen X Drunk. In the book Mark, clearly a master of disguise, changed the name of his creepy rape buddy from Brett Kavanaugh to Bart O. Kavanaugh. It's the kind of cleverness one might expect from a failed alcoholic rapist.

Brett was asked if the character of Bart O. Kavanaugh who was described as a black-out drunk was based on himself. Brett screamed, “Don't make fun of my friend, you jerk.” It was the kind of disjointed outburst one might expect from an alcoholic rapist.

I'm reminded of the E! True Hollywood Story of Todd Bridges. Todd Bridges, former star of Diff'rent Strokes, was arrested for the murder of a drug dealer. Todd was so fucked up he had no memory of the evening. He remembered smoking some crack and everything after that was a bit of a blur. When asked if he pleaded guilty or not guilty Todd replied, “I don't know. Is there a third option, maybe?”

Republicans are prepared to place a man on the Supreme Court who lacks the moral high ground of Todd Bridges. 

The last two republican senators to speak were Jeff Flake and the man Brian Williams calls John – No Relation – Kennedy.

Jeff Flake turned to his republican colleagues who had been behaving like a gaggle of alcoholic rapists and said, “Guys, don't be a dick.”

John – No Relation – Kennedy asked Judge Kavanaugh if he swears to God he didn't do this. It was stupid, but I think he was trying not to be a dick after Jeff Flake said, “don't be a dick.” He was probably pissed he had to go last. I bet he was thinking, “Everyone else got to be a dick. But if I act like a dick after Flake says, 'don't be a dick,' then I'm going to look like a dick.”

The next day, after being confronted by rape victims, Jeff Flake coerced Trump into opening up an FBI investigation for the duration of one whole week. He is being hailed as a hero for doing the very least could do. But when one is compared to a gaggle of alcoholic rapists the bar for heroism is pretty low.

Namaste, Bitches


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