Sunday, September 23, 2018

Reluctant Witness

Rape is bad. I don't know why I have to keep saying that, but apparently I do. I have to say it over. (The Art of A Deal...Appendix 27) And over. (How Low Can You Go?) And over. (The No-Reilly Factor) And over. (Access Hollywood - Special Victims Unit) And over. (A Different World) And over.

It's no surprise President Pussy Grabber is defending a rapist he nominated for the Supreme Court. It's also no surprise he nominated a rapist for the Supreme Court. In fact, I would be shocked – shocked I tell you – if Brett Kavanaugh turned out not to be a rapist.

Republican senators and the like are trying out some truly idiotic defenses for Kavanugh. My favorite being that Dr. Ford is mistaken about the identity of her rapist. She was raped by another student who kind of looks like Brett Kavanaugh. I love this one because it boxes them in a corner. They can't feign outrage over an "innocent" man being accused when they literally accused an innocent man. And just like their fearless leader, they aren't denying she was raped, just whodunit.

The Brett Kavanaugh/Dr. Ford controversy has led to many obvious comparisons to the Clarence Thomas/Anita Hill hearings. It should be noted some of the senators guilty of idiotically defending Kavanaugh and treating Dr. Ford like shit are the very same senators who idiotically defended Clarence Thomas and treated Anita Hill like shit. The Clarence Thomas confirmation was twenty-seven years ago. Remember that if you have any hesitation about voting in the mid-terms. Twenty-seven years. Same fucking senators.

I shall now tell the story of Anita F. Hill for those too young to remember. For those too old to remember. And for those who simply weren't paying attention. The story takes place in 1991. Donna Troy was fourteen years old in 1991. I have pieced together this history through my adolescent recollections, YouTube clips and the HBO movie Confirmation starring Kerry Washington.

Reluctant Witness: The Anita Hill Story

In 1991, Thurgood Marshall, the first African American justice on the Supreme Court, decided it was time to retire as he was quite old. President George Herbert Walker Bush figured he should replace a black judge with a black judge so as not to seem racist. Finding a conservative black judge proved to be difficult as republicans tend to be super racist. They searched high and low until they found a black judge with the whitest name possible, Clarence Thomas. George said, “He'll do,” and promptly nominated him.

Meanwhile in Oklahoma, Professor Anita Hill was minding her own damn business when out of the blue, she received a phone call from an aide or something who worked for Senator Joe Biden.

Aide or Something: Professor Hill, we understand Clarence Thomas sexually harassed you when you worked together at the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission.

Anita: How did you find out?

Aide or Something: We have our ways.

Anita: I don't want to talk about it.

Aide or Something: You want this guy on the Supreme Court?

Anita: No, but I was sexually harassed while working on sexual harassment cases at the EEOC for fuck's sake.

Women who come forward are treated like shit.

Aide or Something: We'll protect you.

Anita: I don't want my name to go public.

Aide or Something: Cool.

The next thing you know an aide or something leaked Anita Hill's story to the press and she was subpoenaed to testify before Congress. With all of three days to prepare, she got her shit together and hired some lawyers.

Meanwhile back in D.C., Clarence Thomas made a statement, variations of which, all men accused of sexual harassment will use to this very day. While I don't remember doing anything that can be construed as sexual harassment, I'm sorry if she misinterpreted my actions.”

Anita Hill flew to Washington and prepared to testify in front of all white male senators. This group of senators included such notables as:

Super Predator Senator Ted Kennedy who once got drunk, drove his car into a lake, saved himself and left his mistress to drown. Then went back to his hotel to sleep it off without calling for help.

Super Racist Senator Strom Thurmond who, with his back against the wall, was forced to choose misogyny over racism.

Super Douche-Bag Senator Orrin Hatch who can currently be found abusing a rape victim via Twitter.

Senior Super Douche-Bag Senator Chuck Grassley who can currently be found abusing a rape victim via Twitter.

Anita Hill began her testimony by recounting the many instances of sexual harassment perpetrated by Clarence Thomas. What sticks out from my adolescent memories are something about pubes on a Coke can and a porn star named Long Dong Silver. However, I confused him with Long Duk Dong from the movie, Sixteen Candles, and I couldn't figure out how Molly Ringwald got involved in all this.

Professor Hill was then treated like shit by the senators. Since there is really no difference between them, I shall refer to each senator as Strom Thurmond.

Strom Thurmond: Isn't it true you wanted to date Clarence Thomas and you're basically just a scorned lover?

Anita: No.

Strom Thurmond: Professor Hill, are you horny right now?

Anita: No.

Strom Thurmond: I went to the library and told the librarian to bring me every book that mentions a pubic hair. She told me they don't catalog books that way. I said, “Dammit, bring me a book with a pubic hair.” She said, “I think there was something in The Exorcist.” I said, “Do you know what page? I don't want to read the whole book.” She said, “No.” So, I read the whole book and right here on Page 229 is an alien pubic hair. Professor Hill, what say you to that?

Anita: I don't understand the question.

Strom Thurmond: Have you read The Exorcist?

Anita: No.

Strom Thurmond: I find that hard to believe. Page 229.

Anita: Is that a question?

Strom Thurmond: Were you drinking?

Anita: I'm sorry. Is the question 'was I drinking when you read The Exorcist'?

Strom Thurmond: Were you drinking when you had dinner with Judge Thomas?

Anita: No.

Strom Thurmond: Did Judge Thomas ask you to watch the Long Dong Silver movie with him?

Anita: No, he said I should watch it.

Strom Thurmond: Well, then, how is that sexual harassment?

Anita: He described pornography to me in graphic detail at work.

Strom Thurmond: Why did you wait so long to come forward?

Anita: I didn't come forward. I was subpoenaed.

Strom Thurmond: Why did you wait to be subpoenaed to come forward?

Anita: I'm not sure what you're asking.

After seven hours of that kind of bullshit they dismissed Anita Hill. Clarence Thomas was then brought in to testify. He opened with a statement that went something like: “I'm a black man. This is some racist bullshit. This is a public lynching. Deal with that, Whitey.”

The white senators all looked at Super Racist Strom Thurmond and realized they didn't have a lot of credibility in the racism department. And that is how Clarence Thomas became a Supreme Court Justice.

Oddly enough, none of the senators looked at Super Predator Ted Kennedy and realized they didn't have a lot of credibility in the misogyny department.

All is not lost for every time someone says the words, “Justice Clarence Thomas,” everyone is thinking “Anita Hill.” Suck on that, Clarence.

Author's Note: That Exorcist shit really happened and current sitting senator Orrin Hatch was the perpetrator. Although, my telling of the event wasn't entirely accurate. I inadvertently made Orrin Hatch seem more intelligent than he appeared. My apologies to the reader. My imagination is not as stupid as Orrin Hatch.

Namaste, Bitches


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