If
you're reading this blog, I'm working under the assumption you've never watched
a complete episode of Fox & Friends. I hadn't either until last week. I was
compelled to do so with the promise of the first Trump interview after the
guilty verdicts of Paul Manafort. And the guilty pleas of Michael Cohen. And
the release of Omarosa's tell-all book and secret recordings. And the immunity
granted to Trump's CFO and his Pecker.
Fox
& Friends airs from 6:00am to 9:00am. I will only get up at 6:00am if my
apartment building is on fire. Even then it depends on how close the fire is to
my bedroom. Ergo, I recorded Fox & Friends and watched it later that
evening. I only planned to watch the Trump interview and fast forward through
everything else. However, I found myself watching every stupid minute. If you
have never viewed a full episode of Fox & Friends, I highly recommend you
do so because it's fucking hilarious.
I
shall now recap Fox & Friends for your reading pleasure. The hosts of Fox
& Friends are Steve Doocy, some other white guy and some pretty lady with
vacant eyes. I only remember Steve Doocy's name because it's fun to say.
The
Trump interview was 22 minutes long. They replayed it every hour in varying
“chunks,” as they called it. In the remaining time, they followed two other top
stories. The first story was about an ISIS attack in Paris. I was perplexed by
this as I had heard nothing of such an attack on the real news. (The real news
being what Trump refers to as the fake news.)
The
first F&F reporting of the attack claimed an ISIS terrorist killed 3 women
in Paris with a knife. And an ISIS leader believed to be dead was actually
alive and taking credit for the attack. Halfway through the show the story was
updated. The 3 women killed were the mother and sister of the terrorist and
some random lady who got in the way. And an ISIS leader believed to be dead was
actually alive and taking credit for the attack. The final update of the story
came shortly before they went off the air. Paris police confirmed this was not
a terrorist attack. The perp was an unstable person who was super pissed at his
mom, his sister and the random lady who got in the way. And an ISIS leader
believed to be dead may be alive, but this is unconfirmed.
The
second story F&F followed closely was the murder of a young woman named
Mollie Tibbetts in Iowa. I'm a little fuzzy on the details as I got them from
the Fox & Friends. Mollie was out jogging and was murdered by an
undocumented immigrant. While I'm in favor of deporting murderers, even white
ones who were born here, I'm also anti-jogging. Nothing good comes from
jogging. Joggers are either attacked or they find a dead body. Every Law &
Order starts with a jogger coming across a dead body. And they don't stop
running when they find it. They run in place, staring at the dead body likes
it's completely normal.
The
murderer was employed by a farm or a drug store or a bike shop. As I said, the
Fox & Friends aren't so clear with the details. What I found particularly
interesting was their take on E-Verify. I've had to run numerous E-Verify
checks in my line of work, so the ignorance of the Fox & Friends was
plainly evident to me. If you are unfamiliar with the process of running an
E-Verify check, I previously described it in a blog entitled The White Album.
Please refer to said blog for more info on E-Verify as I don't feel like
describing the whole process again.
In
the first report of this story, Doocy said the employer ran an E-Verify on the
murderer and it came back clear. “No, he didn't, Doocy,” I said to the TV. Upon
the next update, the other white guy said the employer ran the “wrong
E-Verify.” Like there's some black
market E-Verify on the not-so-dark web. The “wrong E-Verify” isn't a thing. In
the final update of this story, it was revealed the employer didn't run an
E-Verfiy check after all. “No shit, Steve Doocy. I told you that 2 hours ago.”
Now
on to the top top story of the day: The
Fox & Friends Trump Interview. I shall transcribe the interview the way I
heard it in my head. The interview took place in the White House rose garden
and was conducted by the pretty lady with the vacant eyes, who shall
hereinafter be referred to as Vacant Eyes.
I Never Promised You a Rose Garden
Vacant
Eyes: Mr.
President, thank you so much for sitting down with me. How are you doing?
DJT:
Fantastic.
I'm doing tremendous things right now. The economy has never been stronger and
people are telling me, it's like, it's the best they've felt about America
since perhaps, Abe Lincoln, was in the White House. So, I'm doing great,
Ainsley. And I have to tell you, you look great yourself.
Vacant
Eyes: How
do you handle all of that?
DJT:
You
know, my whole life, it's like, there's always been controversy. People say to
me, “Trump, there's always controversy around you.” And, perhaps, that's true.
And you may not know this, but that's been true of all the great leaders
through the whole history of America. I mean, look at Abe Lincoln. People say
he was one of the great presidents. And a lot of people don't know this, but he
was a republican. Amy, did you know that? Even democrats are like, Lincoln was
great. But at the time, he was despised by like, half the country. It's true.
So he was able to overcome that. And I see a lot of myself in Lincoln.
Controversy is, perhaps, not such a bad thing.
Vacant
Eyes: Well,
speaking of – yesterday – huge news day. There's a lot breaking today, as well.
Michael Cohen – tell me about your relationship with him.
DJT:
I barely
knew the guy, okay. He was one of my lawyers and the fake news calls him my
fixer. They add that. They say lawyer and then they add fixer. And he only
worked for my for like, ten years, or something. I really, I don't know him
that well. He did some work for me, but he was more like, it was part time. And
I wasn't his only client, you know. There was like Sean Hannity and one other
guy. So, and he had other business. Like the taxi thing. He ran taxis. And they
found out some things about the taxi business that were not so great. So most of
the charges, they were about his taxi business. And then they tack on the last
two were about campaign. And those are really, they aren't even a crime. That I
can tell you.
Vacant
Eyes: He
said – one story said you didn't know anything about the payments and now he's
saying that you directed him to make these payments. Did you direct him to make
these payments?
DJT:
He made payments and such as my attorney, but
I didn't always know because when you have as many businesses as Trump. So you
can say he was making these payments on my behalf, but also, it was his
decision not Trump's.
Vacant
Eyes: Did
you know about the payments?
DJT:
Well, I
knew about them – I think I heard about them on your show, Angie. And they
didn't come out of campaign. When I first heard about them that's the first
thing I asked. Did they come from campaign? Because that's a little dicey even
though it's not a crime. And I self-funded my campaign, but also, you're
dealing with donors.
Vacant
Eyes: Why
is he doing this? He was your attorney.
DJT:
It's
called flipping. He's a flipper. You remember that TV show, Flipper? I think it
was about a dolphin or a seal. And how can a dolphin be the star of the show?
He can't even talk. And when you look at Mister Ed. He was a horse, but he was a
talking horse. So you had a show there. And then there's this show about a
flipping dolphin and Trump never won an Emmy. I don't know anyone who watched
The Amazing Race. You look at The Apprentice. It was the number one show. And I
hired Michael Cohen around the time I started The Apprentice to take care of
some deals. So they get him on these other charges, which, by the way, have
nothing to do with Trump or collusion. No collusion. He's looking at something,
like forty years, and they say – it's called flipping. They say you say
something bad about Trump and we'll drop that down to five years. I've known
flippers for fifty years, my whole life really, and it really ought to be
illegal. And the two charges they tack on about campaign finance aren't even
crimes. He should never have plead guilty to those. That I can tell you.
Vacant
Eyes: If
you're saying the payments – if they're not illegal, then why would he even –
why would he use that information for a plea deal?
DJT:
He's – I
hate to say it, but he's kind of a wimp. I mean, look how quickly he folded.
But that's why I have such respect for Paul Manafort. They raided his house at
five o'clock in the morning. On a Sunday. With his wife in bed. And they have
guns and storm troopers. And for what? No collusion. Not a single charge with
Manafort or Cohen have anything to do with Trump or collusion. And why isn't
Mueller investigating the other side. I mean, what Hillary Clinton got away
with – emails. And no one's looking into that. Barrack Obama took hundreds of
thousands of dollars from campaign donors. He spent that money on signs. Signs.
If you can believe it. And you know what those signs said? Vote For Obama.
That's what they said in big letters. Vote For Obama. You tell me. How is that
legal?
Vacant
Eyes: Double
standard?
DJT:
Sure,
it's a double standard. When the failing New York Times – they never want to
write stories about all my successes. Black unemployment is at the lowest in
any time in history. Woman unemployment is at the lowest at any time in
history. And don't forget, Annie, I had a black woman working in the White
House – Omarosa, if you can believe it. And, perhaps, that makes me in some
ways, a better president than Lincoln. You know, he didn't have a black or a
woman working in his White House. Omarosa – she'd be nothing without Trump. You
know, she worked in the Clinton White House. A lot of people don't know that.
She was fired from that White House, too and nobody calls Bill Clinton a
racist. And people say, “Oh, but, Mr. Trump, Bill Clinton didn't call her a
dog.” I don't know that. The fact is – no one ever heard of Omarosa before
Trump. Bill Clinton could have called her lots of things and we wouldn't know
because who ever heard of Omarosa at that time? How do we know Bill Clinton
wasn't the first person to call her the N-word? And the Fake News – they act
like Trump is the first person to ever use the N-word in history. And I'm not
saying I said it, but when you go back and look at the leaders in the past –
that word was used a lot. People are worried about is there a tape with Trump
using the N-word. But no one ever heard of a black woman working in the White
House before Trump. They don't want to give me credit for that.
Vacant
Eyes: Are
you considering pardoning Paul Manafort?
DJT:
Well,
that's something to consider, Abbey. None of the charges had anything to do
with Trump. And frankly, I don't know what's in it for me to pardon him. No
Russia. No collusion. It's a hoax. It's been a hoax from the very beginning.
When I have an attorney general who recused himself. I'll tell you – he
shouldn't have taken the job if he was going to recuse himself. I gave him the
job out of loyalty, okay. I'm a very loyal person. But the guy – he has no
loyalty. And I – it's like I need control over my “justice” department, okay. I
put “justice” in quotes now because there's no “justice.” There's no “justice”
at all. And maybe – I hate to say it, but it's possible Jeff Sessions wants me
out of office. Attorney General is third in line for the presidency. A lot of
people don't know that. And I think Jeff may be trying to stage a coup. That's
what they called it in the old days – a coup. He'd have to get rid of me, which
will be tough. My approval ratings are through the roof. But if he pulled it off,
which he won't, then he'd only have to get rid of Mike Pence, which – not so
tough. Then Jeff Sessions would be president. It's called a coup.
Vacant
Eyes: Seventy-six
days away from the midterms. Hard to believe. If the democrats take back power,
do you believe they will try to impeach you?
DJT:
It's
something like high crimes... I've never been high in my life, by the way.
Never had a drink. Don't smoke. I had a brother, Fred. He was one of the great
guys. But he was an alcoholic. And he died young, Fred did. Because he drank,
perhaps, a bit too much. So he died. And people say to me, “Oh, but Mr. Trump,
you didn't let your brother's family receive their share of your father's
inheritance.” And I'm like, so what? The man was my father not Fred's kid's
father. Who, I guess, are my nieces and nephews or – I don't really know them.
They need to make their own way with what their father left them. Which, I
assume, was an empty liquor cabinet. But if they brand it right - as a Trump
liquor cabinet, it could be worth millions. Probably more than the small
inheritance they would have received. And I'll tell you, Audrey, if I ever were
impeached this country would end up as poor, if not poorer than my brother's
children. That I can tell you.
Namaste, Bitches
