Last
week the nation mourned the passing of President George H. W. Bush. Because we
have some kind of moral code stating it's wrong to speak ill of the dead, the
news was all like, “It's the end of an era. He was the last great statesmen. He
was the last president from World War II.” I mean, defeating the Nazis was
super important, but I think it's about time we reign in this World War II hero
worship. I don't care what Tom Brokaw says. It's obnoxious to call any
generation The Greatest Generation.
We've
been in two wars for like seventeen years now. That's almost three times as
long as World War II. I'm waiting for a Brokaw book called Multiple
Generations Fighting Multiples Wars With Seemingly No End In Sight. The
first soldiers to fight in Afghanistan are now too old for combat. It's like
how M*A*S*H stretched out the three-year Korean War into eleven years. By the
end Alan Alda had quite obviously aged. His hair was all gray. And it was weird
because Hawkeye was drafted. And the Army doesn't draft old people.
It's
important to remember Bush 41 was responsible for some horrific things. Like
Clarence Thomas. And George W. Bush. However, Bush 41 did one very important
thing the countless obituaries failed to mention. In 2016 former republican
President George Herbert Walker Bush voted for Hillary Rodham Clinton. He
recognized Donald Trump as a danger to society and a crusher of Bush souls,
such as Jeb, and to a lesser extent, Billy. George voted for the only person
who could defeat Trump. He didn't wuss out and vote third party. Since Bush had
the backbone to fight Nazis to the very end of his life, Brokaw may write a
book about him. He'll probably call it Natural Woman. Because
more people will buy it if they mistakenly believe it's about Aretha Franklin.
That's the kind of shady shit Brokaw pulls. He wrote a book called The Time
Of Our Lives after Patrick Swayze died and it's not about Patrick Swayze.
The
funeral of Bush 41 forced a devastating realization upon me. Trump is entitled
to a state funeral. I've been living in fantasy world since the day he was
elected. I've always assumed Trump would eventually die broke and alone in a
federal prison. And we, as a nation, would agree never to speak of him, or this
horrible chapter in our history, ever again. But this is not to be.
The
death of George Bush reminded me of the death of Richard Nixon. I was a
teenager when Nixon died and I remember being annoyed because his funeral
interrupted my regularly scheduled programming. My exact thoughts were, “What
the fuck. Everybody hates Nixon. I can't believe I'm missing Days Of Our Lives
because a bunch of posers want to act like they give a shit now that he's dead.
Whatever, America.” (It was the nineties. Posers was a totally cool thing to
say).
I guess if we can't pretend like Nixon never
happened, the same goes for Trump. I'm still hopeful he'll die in a federal
prison. He is entitled to Secret Service protection for the rest of his life, though.
I'm not sure how that would work in prison. It'll be a real letdown if he
doesn't get beat up. I mean, Robert Downey, Jr. got beat up in prison. And
people like him.
Please
indulge me while I go back to my fantasy world and dream of the day Trump dies.
Let's look to the future. The day is January 16, 2019. I'm watching The Rachel
Maddow Show. (Bush 41 once called Rachel Maddow a sick puppy for reasons I'm
not totally clear on. Regardless, it's a pretty lame insult. Not to mention
completely insensitive to poor sick puppies). Rachel is explaining how The
Chinese Exclusion Act of 1862, signed by President Chester A. Arthur, is
connected to Trump's upcoming impeachment hearing when the following news
breaks:
Donald
John Trump, the 45th president of the United States has died. He was
alone in bed, working his way through a bucket of KFC when he choked to death
on a particularly tough piece of chicken skin. Though Secret Service agents
were nearby at the time of the president's passing, they failed to notice he
was suffering due to his persistent habit of talking with his mouth full while
grunting.
The
funeral is scheduled for later that week. Finding people to eulogize the
president proves to be difficult. His oldest three children, his son-in-law,
and most of his friends and cabinet members are already in federal prison for
crimes ranging from hunting without a license to treason. All former presidents
decline the invitation to speak as none feel they can get through Trump's
funeral without laughing maniacally while poking at his rotting corpse. What
follows is the eulogy given by his one remaining defective disciple.
Scott Baio
Donald Trump was a great man and an even better president. I saw
a lot of myself in Donald Trump. We both believed in strong conservative
values. We both spoke in plain English. No fancy words. We both liked golf. We
were both accused of sexual assault by women who were totally asking for it.
Some say Trump was lucky because the women accusing him weren't teenagers. But,
again, I need to make it clear Nicole Eggert was eighteen when we had sex. She
says she was sixteen. She's lying. Some people say it's still gross because I
was in my thirties and if I dated age appropriate women I wouldn't have to
worry about whether or not I was committing a crime. They're just jealous
because they can't get hot teenage ass. Trump and I had that in common. People
envied us.
We both got beat up on Twitter. Some people have asked why I
don't quit Twitter if I don't like the way I'm treated. But if I do that, they
win. The haters win. I have a right to express myself and make comments some
people may not agree with. Trump – he was the same way. He was a fighter. Some
people didn't think it was right to put babies in cages, but they don't realize
those babies shouldn't have been here in the first place. They had to go
somewhere. And Trump found somewhere to put them. I'm sure the haters are going
to say, “Of course, Baio doesn't care about babies in cages. He fucks
children.” But who defines what is a child? In some states the age of consent
is fifteen and in others it's eighteen. That's what conservatives believe in –
letting the states define their laws. That's what I believe. And that's what
Trump believed. Even though he wasn't in office long, America is a little more
greater because of Donald Trump.
Tom Brokaw will write a book about the Trump Administration. It
will be called With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility: The Stan Lee
Story.
Namaste, Bitches
