Saturday, October 24, 2020

Nasty Women, Stand Back and Stand By

There are people alive now who were born before women had the right to vote in this country. Not a lot of people because they’re old as fuck. Like twenty years past their expiration date old as fuck, but alive nonetheless.

Four years ago I was certain our country was about to elect the first woman president. So when the man who was caught on tape saying of women, “Grab ‘em by the pussy,” became president, I was a tad miffed. I previously planned to go on a rampage if we didn’t get a woman president in 2020. When I planned my rampage I didn’t expect Trump to make it through his first term. Or his first year. I actually thought he’d find a way to get out of it before his inauguration. My friends constantly remind me if any of those things happened we would still be stuck with Mike Pence. They have to constantly remind me because I tend to forget that Cotton Hill-looking motherfucker even exists.

Since Trump has almost made it through his first term I’ve had to do a rampage revision. Trump and his enablers have to go, ergo beggars can’t be choosers. And if Mitch McConnell has his way, women can’t be choosers.

Now please excuse me while I write an overdue open letter to Mitch McConnell.

Dear Mitch,

What is the point of you?

You’re the Nicolas Cage trying to be Superman of people.


Donna Troy

On October 25th, the surviving original cast members of Happy Days, a show that took place in Milwaukee, are reuniting to raise money for Wisconsin democrats. Yes, Fonzie, Richie, Mrs. C., Potsie and Ralph Malph will all be there. This pleases me. I’ve also discovered that adult Ralph Malph bears a striking resemblance to my uncle. I was going to threaten to call my uncle Ralph Malph for the rest of his life if he doesn’t vote for Biden. But I’m most likely going to do that whether he votes or not.

Anyway, Scott Baio, who is not an original cast member, is all kinds of butt hurt over this.


Now please excuse me while I write an open letter to Scott Baio.

Dear Chachi,

You’re the Jumping The Shark of people. Literally. You’re first appearance on Happy Days was the infamous Jump The Shark episode.

When Nick@Nite began airing reruns of Happy Days in the Nineties, they didn’t air the Chachi years. At one point, they even had a call in vote to see if viewers wanted to see the Chachi years. At the same time, they aired reruns of Mister Ed.

So you see, Chachi, most people would rather hear from a talking horse than you. So shut the fuck up.

Yours Truly,

Donna Troy

Now please excuse me while I write an open letter to Trump supporters.

Dear Remaining People In This World Who Still Love Chachi,

You’re the Superman III of people. And the cause of my rampage. Please allow me to borrow a phrase from that diseased maniac you so deplorably worship.

If Trump is reelected, you will be met with fire and fury the likes of which this world has never seen.

I also borrowed the phrase, “diseased maniac,” from Superman: The Movie. Please don’t misconstrue my meaning. Trump is neither an evil genius like Lex Luthor nor a stable genius like Gary Busey.

Warm Regards,

Donna Troy

(I have a strongly held conviction that Superman III is the worst of the Christopher Reeve movies. If you’re one of the many people who feel Superman IV: The Quest for Peace is the worst movie, feel free to reach out to me on the Contact section of this page and I’ll be happy to tell you why you’re wrong).


Now please excuse me while I write an open letter to third party voters.

Dear People Who Are Wasting Their Votes and My Time,

You’re the reason we’re in this mess in the first place. You’re the Superman Returns of people. You got my hopes up and let me down.

Grow a pair.

Best Wishes,

Donna Troy


I have patiently put my dreams of a woman president on hold and settled for a woman vice president. But I am not fucking around. Now please enjoy this minor rewrite of a classic poem.

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up

like a raisin in the sun?

Or pester like an itch—

And then rampage like a bitch?

If Trump is reelected, I, Donna Troy, do solemnly swear to rampage all up in this bitch.

I’m still in the planning stages of my rampage, but have decided on Part One. Part One of my rampage is to slash the tires of Trump voters. Not only will this satisfy my rage, but it will force those non-mask wearing morons to shelter in place. On Election Day I will be visiting my parents in West Virginia, the Trumpiest of all states. Since what passes for a police department in that one-stoplight town closes at five and isn’t open on weekends, I’m pretty sure I can get away with it.

You may be thinking, “Donna, how can you be sure you’re vandalizing the right cars?” Trump voters are really stupid so I don’t know why you’re asking. A week ago, my mom passed an unofficial Trump parade. She flipped them off, then called my sister to let her know they were headed her way. My sister went out to the street and shot video of this shit show. Because these people are really stupid they didn’t realize she was making fun of them and were kind enough to smile and wave for the camera.

The point of the parade is unclear. It’s not like I looked at the video and thought, “I was going to vote for Biden, but that’s before I saw a stupid parade.”

I took some screen shots for your viewing pleasure. They are a little blurry as they are of moving cars.

I call this photo “My Babies, Ya Brain Broke.”

I call this photo “Blind Spot” because I’m almost positive it’s illegal to cover all the windows like that.

I call this photo “Not Knowing Your Right From Your Left.” Because if you’re driving on the right side of the road, as we do here in America, the flag on the right side of the truck is backward. This was actually the case for every truck in this stupid parade.

I call this photo “Trumpbo.” I think the flag looks like Trump as Rambo. But my sister thinks he is supposed to be Trump as Schwarzenegger. If you agree with her you may call it “Trumpinator.”

When my roommate, Dee Dee On The Street, impersonates Trump supporters she pronounces America as ‘Merica. So we found this photo of a parked truck fucking hysterical.

Due to the flagrant unrestrained racism of Trump and his followers, a friend of mine, a young black woman, is nervous about the safety of black people if Trump wins the election. Also, due to the flagrant unrestrained racism of Trump and his followers, a friend of mine, a young black woman, is nervous about the safety of black people if Trump loses the election. I’ve assured her I belong to a gang called White Women Watching who will keep her safe. Please excuse me while I write an open letter to the founder of our organization.

Hey Cheryl Whitelady,

You’ve been called to active duty. I guess we need to gather supplies or something. I’m thinking like stun guns, rape whistles and cans of Raid.

Please get back to me at your earliest convenience. Until then, I shall stand back and stand by.

Signed Your Bitch in Arms,

Donna Troy

Finally, I would like to bring your attention to a moment in the final Biden/Trump debate that the news outlets didn’t seem to pick up on. Trump literally said wind kills birds.

Now please enjoy this series of texts between me and my friend Sierra.

Donna: Wind kills birds?

Sierra: Im’ma just start saying off the wall things at the wrong time.

Donna: Toilet paper causes diabetes.

Sierra: I wrote the I Have a Dream Speech in utero.

Namaste, Bitches


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