Monday, August 29, 2016

Lady and The Trump (cont.)

A Fairy Tale by Donna Troy
As soon as The Trump finished speaking, some of the Klansmen invited him to join them for some ale. The Trump joined them, but turned down the ale. He only drinks from golden mugs, which aren't available at Bubba's. The Trump and three Klansmen sat around a table in silence for some time as the Klansmen were still quite shocked at The Trump's request to do something about Princess Hillary. (Had the Klansmen bothered to read my blog, they wouldn't have been surprised. Previously on this blog site, The Trump has been linked to the deaths of Muhammed Ali, Buddy Holly, The Big Bopper, Ritchie Valens, Elvis Presley, Princess Diana, Michael Jackson and Antonin Scalia. What the hell? Let's throw in Tupac while I'm at.)

Finally, a Klansman who goes by the name of The Wolf spoke. "Mr. The Trump, we can't do anything about Princess Hillary. We don't really do those kinds of things anymore."

"What are you talking about?" The Trump asked. "I only said maybe you can do something. I didn't say what. I just said maybe something. Isn't there maybe something you can do?"

"Maybe fifty years ago," said The Wolf. "Back then, the Sheriff of Nottingham used to look the other way when we roughed up a grandmother or tore down the houses of a little pig or two or three. Today, we'd get arrested and we can't afford to go to jail. We have families, you know."

"So, what the hell do Klansmen do now?" asked The Trump.

"We mostly burn crosses in the woods, on our own property, and moan about Munchkins coming over here and taking our jobs."

"Okay, that's good. I can work with that," said The Trump. "We can't allow Munchkins to keep crossing our borders and taking our jobs. I will be a great job creator. That I can tell you. What jobs did you have?"

"I was in VCR repair," said The Wolf.

"I was a toll booth operator," said the second Klansman.

"I worked at Blockbuster," said the third Klansman.

"Oh, shit," said The Trump. With that, he quickly departed Bubba's and sent for his second son, The Trump Jr. Jr., also known as Eric.

Eric arrived eager to assist his father, but was disappointed to learn that The Trump only wished to speak to the Magic Mirror, of which Eric was the keeper.
"Mirror, mirror, in my son's hand,
Why did you send me to the Klan?"
The Mirror replied:
"Shut the fuck up.
I did what you asked.
Only a fool
Would vote for an ass."
The Trump became enraged and threw the Magic Mirror to the ground where it shattered and jagged pieces scattered everywhere. The Trump then grabbed one of the shards and slashed the throat of his son, Eric. Eric fell to the ground and managed to hoarsely whisper, "Why?" before passing away.
"Why?" said The Trump. "Your only job was to carry the Magic Mirror. I can't be paying you to do nothing."

With that, The Trump flew back to Trump Tower to seek council with his daughter Ivanka.

Meanwhile, Princess Hillary and Toto continued campaigning along the Yellow Brick Road. Along the way, she met a scarecrow in need of a brain. He asked the Princess if she would take him to the Wizard. Instead, Princess Hillary explained her education bill to the scarecrow and asked for his vote. He seemed pleased and pledged his support. Princess Hillary thanked him, but secretly worried as The Trump tended to do well among the brainless.
Further along the Yellow Brick Road, Princess Hillary met a tin woodman in need of a heart. He asked the Princess if she would take him to the Wizard. Instead, Princess Hillary told him of universal healthcare and asked for his vote. He seemed pleased and pledged his support. Princess Hillary thanked him, but secretly worried as The Trump tended to do well among the heartless.
At her final stop along the Yellow Brick Road, Princess Hillary met a lion in need of courage. He asked the Princess if she would take him to see the Wizard. Instead, Princess Hillary vowed to put lions on the endangered species list. He would no longer need to fear being hunted by the son(s) of The Trump.

"Are lions endangered?" asked the lion.

Princess Hillary shrugged and said, "Probably. Humans have really fucked up this planet."

The lion seemed pleased and pledged his support. Princess Hillary thanked him, but secretly worried as The Trump tended to do well among the spineless.
After a long day of travel along the Yellow Brick Road, Princess Hillary and Toto came across a field of poppies and thought it to be a lovely place to get some rest.

Meanwhile, The Trump had arrived at Trump Tower. He called up, "Ivanka, Ivanka, let down your hair." Ivanka tossed her long blond hair out the window and it cascaded toward the ground. The Trump climbed it up to his office.

"The Klan was a bad idea," The Trump said. "It was a total disaster."

"I know," said Ivanka. "I warned you not to work with that mirror, Father. But no need to worry. I've set up a meeting with the Munchkins. You must tell them you won't send them back to Munchkinland. They're waiting for you in the boardroom."

"But I told the Klan I would send them back," said The Trump.

"Good," said Ivanka. "The Klan heard what they wanted to hear. Now, go forth and tell the Munchkins what they want to hear, whether it be true or not." The Trump nodded and followed Ivanka into the boardroom. The Munchkins were already seated as they anxiously awaited The Trump's address.

"I want to thank all our Munchkin friends for being here today. Uh... I'll take some questions if you have any."

One Munchkin rose.
"Mr. The Trump,
I represent the Lollipop Guild.
We have come to this land, new lives to build.
We have families and businesses. We are not a disease.
Will you send us back to Munchkinland and break our families?"
"No," said The Trump, as he winked at Ivanka.

Another Munchkin rose.
"Mr. The Trump,
As Mayor of the Munchkin City
In the county of the Land of Oz,
It's my duty to inform you
A moat is not a just cause."
"What moat?" asked The Trump. "I never said anything about a moat. It's Princess Hillary and her people spreading rumors about moat building. Look, folks, the Princess cannot be trusted. Do you hear me? She can't be trusted. Believe me. She's a very not well person. Ivanka, bring your crystal ball over here." The Trump made some weird hand gestures at the crystal ball until an image of Princess Hillary and Toto sleeping in the poppy field appeared. "You see? She doesn't have the stamina to be Wizard. She's sleeping. She did some things today and then just went to sleep. Who does that?"

A small Munchkin girl in the back of the boardroom spoke up.
"Mr. The Trump,
I represent the Lullaby League.
It's four o'clock in the morning.
Most people are asleep."
With that, The Trump became enraged and stomped on the poor little Lullaby Munchkin, crushing her beyond repair. Frightened, the other Munchkins ran out of Trump Tower as fast as their little legs could carry them.

The Trump sighed and turned to Ivanka, "What do we do now?"

Ivanka shook her head. "Nothing," she said. "For the crystal ball has predicted your defeat by a landslide. Princess Hillary will be the next Wizard of DC. There will be a great celebration in the Big White House. Princess Hillary and Toto will dine on spaghetti, and... the mirror is a little cloudy, but I think there is a chance of meatballs."

Namaste, Bitches

Monday, August 22, 2016

Lady and The Trump

A Fairy Tale by Donna Troy
(Note: I will be borrowing from many fairy tales in the telling of this fairy tale. But I probably won't borrow much from Lady and the Tramp. Because I haven't seen it since I was a kid, and I don't feel like watching it just to write this blog. All I remember are dogs and spaghetti. I'll try to work in dogs and spaghetti for any hard-core Lady and the Tramp fans who may be reading this.)

Once upon a time, in a land that may or may not be great depending on who you ask, there lived a fierce warrior princess named Hillary. By the time this fierce warrior princess had reached her sixty-ninth year, she had already led an amazing life, which you can read all about in a previous blog entry entitled, It Takes a Village. Despite all the wondrous things Princess Hillary had accomplished, she knew this land that may or may not be great was still a little fucked up. A great leader would be needed to repair this fucked-up-ness. So, Princess Hillary grabbed a basket and her little dog, Toto, and began her long journey along the Yellow Brick Road. (Look, I worked in a dog already.) She knew it would be a long and most difficult trip, but the Yellow Brick Road would lead to the Land of DC. Once there, Princess Hillary and Toto could lead the people as President of this great or not so great nation, from the oval shaped office of the Big White House.

Word of the fierce warrior princess's aspiration spread quickly throughout the land. Many of the villagers were excited about finally joining the twentieth century by electing a woman president. (Note to my brother: I meant to say twentieth century. You know, because a shit load of other countries elected women to their highest offices in the twentieth century.) Yet, there were still some people who were quite stubborn and determined to stop the princess and her little dog, too.

A wicked sorcerer called The Trump wanted all the power in the land for himself. He cared not of the poor or the sick or the helpless. He cared not for the soldiers who went off to war. He cared not of his daughter, Tiffany, because he took advice from his mirror. The mirror said his first-born daughter, Ivanka, was the fairest in the land. The Trump cared only for himself and his three wicked children. He wanted all the gold in the world for his twisted evil family, except for Tiffany. He, too, decided to travel to the Land of DC to become President. But he was too pampered to make the long journey down the Yellow Brick Road. Instead, he chose to travel by his private hot air balloon, Trump Hot Air. So, he departed his castle, Trump Tower, and began a comfortable journey to the Land of DC.

Along the way, The Trump stopped in several villages and spoke with the common folk in an attempt to win their favor. He pretended to be on their side and to care for their needs. But the more he spoke, the more it became clear to The Trump that there was a darkness brewing amidst the Nascar races and Klan rallies. The villagers were angry because their own life choices had turned out to be very wrong and they were hungry for someone to blame. The Trump seized on their anger and declared himself to be their savior.
Folks, I alone can fix your problems, okay. We need law and order. Prince Charming has reigned in the White House for eight harvests. He's a total disaster. He's done nothing for the butcher. He's done nothing for the baker. He hasn't lifted a finger for the candlestick maker. The Klan is suffering. Prince Charming is letting people float in from all parts of the Enchanted Forest. They're taking jobs away from The Village People. When I'm elected President, I will build a big beautiful moat around the Land of DC, and no one will be allowed in unless they guess Rumplestiltskin's name. Okay, one of my servants said I just gave away the Rumplestiltskin trick. So, whatever. We'll change the name. No big deal. We'll call him Trumplestiltskin. It's beautiful. The Trump name sells, folks. That I can tell you. What? Someone is trying to tell me the Trumplestiltskin thing won't work either. Okay, whatever. He's fired. He doesn't work for me? I don't care. Get him out of here. The Trump is sending all enchanted people back where they came from and Trumplestiltskin won't be letting them back in. Believe me.
So, here we are a few months away from choosing a new Wizard-President, and terror has run amok across this land that may be but probably isn't too great right now. Wicked Witches are everywhere. And we all know where they came from. Prince Charming and Princess Hillary are the founders of The Wicked. And no one knows this, but The Trump. I'm the only one, okay. Prince Charming has been lying to the people of this land that, to be honest, really isn't so great. Okay. Witches have been killing people right and left. Hansel and Gretel are still missing. Prince Charming is the founder of The Wicked. You heard it here, folks. And Princess Hillary is the co-founder. I don't know if you heard me when I said that. Princess Hillary is the co-founder of The Wicked. I've heard from many, many people that Princess Hillary once shacked up with seven dwarves. I mean, dwarves. Can you believe it, folks? Dwarves. And every one of those tiny, filthy creatures had a very, very foreign sounding name. There was Doc, obviously some kind of pervert, two feet tall, going around calling himself Doc. Okay, in this land doctors should be 5'6" and above. I know some people are going to defend the dwarves as handicapped or whatever. Who cares? Right. We've got Klansmen suffering. I don't have time to be worried about every dwarf that needs a footstool. And others are going to say, "Oh, but Mr. The Trump, what about women doctors who are under 5'6"?" What about them? Am I right or am I right, folks?
The Trump's declaration was well received by the Nascar fans and their fellow Klansmen. Meanwhile, Princess Hillary heard of The Trump's victory from a scarecrow, while skipping along the Yellow Brick Road. The Princess laughed off the absurdity of The Trump's words, but nevertheless decided to address the villagers herself. She wrote a message and tied it to a crow hoping it would reach The Village People before she arrived in DC. It read:
My fellow villagers, The Trump knows not of the healthcare needs which plague our land. He knows not of the healthcare needs of dwarves. They suffer from all types of illness both of the mind and of the body, be they Sleepy, Sneezy, Dopey, Bashful, and Grumpy. Fortunately, Happy is doing well. We need more doctors, not less. We need affordable education so that more dwarves and women of all sizes may become doctors.
The Trump knows not of Enchanted Forest relations. He wants to ban all witches from our land, even the good ones. Remember, without Glenda The Good Witch, we would not have magic shoes or the ability to travel by bubble, which reduces our reliance on foreign oil.
Meanwhile, two Dukes from the land of Libertaria, Gary Johnson and Bill Weld, decided the people of the village should have more than two choices when picking the new Wizard-President. So, they decided to journey to the Land of DC and run for President and Vice President as well. Fortunately for the princess, their chances are quite slim. As no one in the land knows where they stand on the issues or what policies they would enact or that they even exist. It seems every time the Dukes get a chance to address the people, they only want to discuss whether or not they will poll high enough to be included in the debates. Let's face it, most people reading this don't know any more about Gary Johnson than I just told you. And you just learned Bill Weld's name.

But they weren't the only ones who didn't want the princess or The Trump to win. A Lady from the Emerald City, Jill Stein, emerged to challenge the princess, as well. The Green Party ticket of Jill Stein and some-guy-in-the-picture-with-her will currently be on the ballots in twenty-eight villages. They could possibly be on the ballots in more villages, but definitely not all fifty. Unfortunately for the Green Party, Jill Stein and some-guy have no chance without being on all ballots. And also, no chance because no one can name her running mate. And also, because Jill Stein addressed the nation once and her words were not persuasive. "If you don't like Trump or Clinton, then vote for me. I'm Jill Stein and I approve this message."

During this time, The Trump flew back to his castle at Trump Tower where he received some discouraging news. His manservant-son, The Trump Jr., told him of the princess's popularity among the people and of The Trump's dismal poll numbers. The Trump became quite angry as he has quite an affinity for poll numbers. He momentarily considered beheading his first-born son, but The Trump Jr. acted quickly and suggested a new plan to defeat Princess Hillary. The Trump approved of this and flew off in his balloon to a tavern called "Bubba's" where he would once again address his people.
Look, folks, if Princess Hillary becomes the Wizard-President, she'll get to pick the emperor's new clothes. We will all have to live with that decision for – I don't know – decades, maybe. The emperor could be around for another fifty years at least. Princess Hillary's choice of new clothes for the emperor affects us all. And there's nothing we can do about it. Nothing. Well, maybe there is something the villagers who carry arms can do....
A chill swept through Bubba's tavern. Even some Klansmen were heard to say, "Wo!"


Namaste, Bitches

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Come On, We're America II

The Star-Studded Story of the 2016 Democratic National Convention
They're Just Getting Started...

Part Three – Wednesday

Your regularly scheduled programming will not be seen tonight so that we may bring you the following ABC Special Presentation, Part Three of The Super Friends Go To Washington. Starring: Tim Kaine as Robin The Boy Wonder, Joe Biden as Batman The Caped Crusader and Barack Obama as Superman The Man of Steel. With special appearances by the Rev. Jesse Jackson, Star Jones, Sigourney Weaver, Lee Daniels and Angela Bassett. With a musical performance by Lenny Kravitz.

Episode Three: The Justice League – Gods Among Us

When we last saw the Super Friends, they were rejoicing in the success of the first half of the Democratic National Convention. Wonder Woman had been made the first woman presidential nominee of a major political party. And Bryan Cranston was there, too!

Meanwhile, as the Super Friends were preparing for day three, the evil Trumpocalypse was jealous of all the attention paid toward Wonder Woman. Not one to let a news cycle go by that wasn't completely about himself, Trumpocalypse called a press conference from his Legion of Doom offices in Trump Tower where he made the following request of his Russian comrades:
“Russia, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find the 30,000 Super Friends emails that are missing. I think you will probably be rewarded mightily by our press.”
When asked by a reporter if he was aware that he had just asked a U.S. adversary to hack the servers of an opposing political party and that such a request was treasonous, Trumpocalypse said, "Be quiet." He then stomped out of the room and returned to his base of operations at the Legion of Doom where he wasted no time in sending an S.O.S. via Twitter:
"If Russia or any other country or person has Wonder Woman's 33,000 illegally deleted emails, perhaps they should share them with the FBI!”
(Note: Please refer to item 5 in my blog post dated June 13, 2016, entitled Ladies First where I predicted Donald Trump would say something mildly treasonous before November. Called it.)

Little did the foul Trumpocalypse know that his mild act of treason played right into the hands of the Super Friends who were about to put their biggest heroes on stage – Batman, Robin and Superman.

The Justice League had a great opening act. The Rev. Jesse Jackson spoke in rhyme. Star Jones talked about being fired from Celebrity Apprentice because she fought with Meatloaf. Sigourney Weaver is still alive. Lee Daniels said Wonder Woman knows him. And Angela Bassett looked lovely.

Then the Caped Crusader himself, Joe Batbiden, took the stage and it was epic. Here are some of his best lines:
On the Legion of Doom's vast right wing conspiracy to undermine Wonder Woman – "Tarnished reputations are unfortunate, Robin. We can live with those. However, a threat to all of Gotham City is something else."
On Terror – "Haven't you noticed how we always escape the vicious ensnarements of our enemies? I like to think it's because our hearts are pure."
On the Economy – "The glamour, the romance of commerce... Hmm. It's the very lifeblood of our country's society."
On Foreign Affairs – "England has a queen, and a great lady she is, too."
"Language is the key to world peace. If we all spoke each other's tongues, perhaps the scourge of war would be ended forever."
On Immigration – "What's important is that the world know that all visitors to these teeming shores are safe, be they peasant or king. If we don't know all about our friends to the south, how can we can carry out our good neighbor policy?"
On Trumpocalypse – "Experience teaches slowly, Robin. And at a cost of many mistakes."
Batbiden had the crowd chanting "USA! USA! USA!" Batbiden ended his speech by exclaiming, "Come on! We're America!" And who can argue with that?

And now, a musical performance by Lenny Kravitz. I missed it. But I'm going to assume he sang "American Woman." The lyrics don't really fit the moment, but the title does.

Holy Non Sequiturs – Ladies and Gentlemen, The Boy Wonder and the next Vice President of the United States, Robin Tim Kaine:

I accept your nomination for Vice President of the United States. Holy Crucial Moment. I will proudly serve alongside the next President of the United States and first woman President, Wonder Woman. Holy History. Wonder Woman and I vow to continue to build on the progress Superman Obama has made. Wonder Woman is not about to let the spineless Trumpocalypse take over America, the greatest country ever. Holy Hallelujah.

Now, please enjoy my mediocre imitation of Trumpocalypse. Never believe a person who says 'believe me.' He says, "I will build a wall to keep Mexicans out. Believe me." Holy Green Card. He says, "America needs a President who wrote The Art of the Deal. Believe me." Holy Ghost Writer. "I will repeal every word of Obamacare. Believe me." Holy Unrefillable Prescriptions. "I will ban all Muslims. Believe me." Holy Bill of Rights. "Global warming is a hoax. Believe me." Holy Endangered Species. Just this morning Trumpocalypse made a declaration of treason. Holy Benedict Arnold. Trumpocalypse as President? I say Holy Fate-Worse-Than-Death.

Meanwhile in his rapid response room at the Legion of Doom, Trumpocalypse was fuming. It's well known throughout the DC Universe that Trumpocalypse can't stand to be mocked, even if it's a mediocre imitation. He quickly fired off a Death-Tweet in the hopes of taking out the Boy Wonder once and for all:
"Robin Tim Kaine did a terrible job in New Jersey – first act he did in New Jersey was ask for a $4 billion tax increase and he was not very popular in New Jersey and he still isn't."
Unfortunately for Trumpocalypse, the Wonder Twins were manning their own rapid response room in the Hall of Justice and immediately responded in kind:
"Hey, Trumpocalypse. Robin was governor of Virginia, not New Jersey, you dope."
Trumpocalypse shouted something about meddling kids, then murdered a puppy in a fit of rage.

And now... Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's President Superman Obama!

President Superbama flew onto the stage. The crowd erupted in cheers and applause. When they finally quieted down, President Superbama gave one of the best speeches of his career.

Good evening. I'm Superman. I can do anything. I'm here to tell you that never in the history of our great nation, America, has there been a candidate more qualified to be President than Wonder Woman. Not me. Not Steve Trevor Clinton. Sorry, Steve. I'm ready to pass the baton to Wonder Woman. Wonder Woman, now the world is ready for you and the wonders you can do. In your satin tights, fighting for our rights and the old red, white and blue.

The crowd chanted, "USA! USA! USA!

Now, I watched the Legion of Doom convention last week. There was a lot of negativity and fear-mongering, but that's not what America is about. We, in public office, have a high moral standard to meet. In this world, there is right and there is wrong... And that distinction is not difficult to make. The powers we have... The things we do... They're meant to inspire ordinary citizens... Not intimidate them... Not terrify them.

I accomplished a lot in eight years, but there is still a lot that needs done. Well, maybe now if we elect Hillary Woman, we'll get there. That's what America is all about, really. That's the American Way. Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. None of us are forced to be anything we don't want to be. When I was young, I knew I would be someone different when I grew up. I would leave home and make a new life for myself. A new start, a second chance. When I first went to Metropolis, it was filled with people who'd done the same thing. People from all over America, from all over the world, who went to the city to live the lives they wanted, to be the people they wanted to be. That's the idea that America was founded on, but it's not just for people born here. It's for everyone.

I'm not an idiot, Luthor. I know there are bad men in power and the world is not an equitable place, but you can't throw morality in the garbage just because life's tough.

You see, Hillary Woman knows that we are stronger together. That the world works best when we all work toward a common goal of peace and prosperity. We don't need Trumpocalypse to be a self-proclaimed savior for us.

Trumpocalypse, you'll never be Superman. Because you have no idea what it means to be Superman. It's not about where you were born. Or what powers you have. Or what you wear on your chest. It's about what you do... It's about action.

I don't know what hole you crawled out of or where you came from, but I'm sending you back!

It was a real crowd pleaser. There was a great celebration when Superbama returned to the Hall of Justice that evening. Hillary Woman even baked cookies.

Meanwhile... in the darkest, dampest, dankest corner of the Legion of Doom, Trumpocalypse fired up his Twitter-Ray and murdered a puppy in a fit of rage.

***No animals were harmed in the writing of this blog.***

Part Four – Thursday

Your regularly scheduled programming will not be seen tonight so that we may bring you the following ABC Special Presentation, Part Four of The Super Friends Go To Washington. Starring: Hillary Clinton as Wonder Woman. With special appearances by Ted Danson, Mary Steenburgen and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. With a musical performance by Katy Perry.

Episode Four: The New, Original Wonder Woman

When we last saw the Super Friends, they were celebrating in the Hall of Justice after Superbama, Batbiden and Robin Tim Kaine had silenced Trumpocalypse... for the moment. They gathered at Watch Tower to prepare for Wonder Woman to address the nation.

Celebrity friends of the Super Friends, Ted Danson and Mary Steenburgen took the stage to speak of a world where everybody knows your name.

Next we learned Kareem Abdul-Jabbar was a basketball player and not just an insanely tall guy who had a recurring role on Diff'rent Strokes, like I thought. Kareem had jokes, “I’m Michael Jordan, and I’m here with Hillary Woman. I said that because I know that Trumpocalypse couldn’t tell the difference.”

Watching on a mega-screen from his control room at the Legion of Doom, Trumpocalypse banged his tiny fist on the control panel and shouted, "Damn you, sitcom actors with you rapier wit!" Then he murdered Scott Baio in a fit of rage.

Kareem was followed by Khizr Khan, father of fallen Army Captain Humayun S. M. Khan. Captain Khan was killed in Iraq while protecting his troops from a car bomb. The Khans are immigrants and Muslims, two things the Trumpocalypse fears and hates. Mr. Khan gave a remarkable speech, addressing Trumpocalypse head on:

Donald Trump, you’re asking Americans to trust you with their future. Let me ask you: Have you even read the United States Constitution? I will gladly lend you my copy. In this document, look for the words – look for the words ‘liberty’ and ‘equal protection of law.' You have sacrificed nothing and no one.

Lacking the ability to read the room, Trumpocalypse fired off of a Tweet-Ray:
"I was viciously attacked by Mr. Khan at the Democratic Convention. Am I not allowed to respond?"
From the rapid response room in the Hall of Justice, the Wonder Twins responded:
And now a musical performance by Katy Perry:
I've got the eye of the tiger... Hear me roar...
Finally, the moment everyone had been waiting for, Princess Chelsea introduced her mother and the next President of the United States, Hillary Wonder Woman. Hillary Wonder Woman landed her invisible jet on stage. An amazed crowd watched as she seemingly appeared out of nowhere.

My fellow Americans, I am the Goddess of Truth. Fellow Americans, Super Friends, of all people you know who I am. Who the world needs me to be. I'm Wonder Woman. And so I accept your nomination for President of the United States.

The crowd chanted: "Hill-a-ry! Wo-man! Hill-a-ry! Wo-man!

My fellow Americans, we don't need a leader who claims he can make America great again. America is already great!

Crowd: "USA! USA!"

I know the facts about Trumpocalypse. He's a terrorist organization of one, driven by greed, not ideology. He's also terrifying. Borderline obsessed. Thriving in a darkness I forsook ages ago. Filthy, ill-begotten awful-spawn! You dare threaten a daughter of Themyscira?!?

If the prospect of living in a world where trying to respect the basic rights of those around you and valuing each other simply because we exist is such daunting, impossible tasks, then what sort of world are we left with? And what sort of world do you want to live in?

Many years ago, my mother, Dorothy Rodham Hippolyte said to me, “Go in peace my daughter. And remember that, in a world of ordinary mortals, you are a Wonder Woman.”

And so my fellow Americans, please take my hand. I give it to you as a gesture of friendship and love, and of faith freely given. I give you my hand and welcome you into my dream.

The crowd went wild. Balloons were dropped. All the Super Friends joined Hillary Woman on stage and sang a chorus of "Get us out from under... Wonder Woman!"

And curled up in a blanket fort, sucking his thumb at the Legion of Doom, Trumpocalypse fired one last desperate Tweet-Ray:
"No more Mr. Nice Guy. The gloves are coming off."
He then desecrated the corpse of Scott Baio in a fit of rage.

This concludes the Thursday Night ABC Special Presentation. Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

***No Chachis were harmed in the writing of this blog.***

Namaste, Bitches

Monday, August 1, 2016

Come On, We're America

The Star-Studded Story of the 2016 Democratic National Convention


Hillary Clinton and I made history this week as we became the first future first woman President of the United States to be the first woman presidential nominee of a major party. You may take a moment to applaud.

Thank you.

The DNC had many hopeful and uplifting speeches. They showed films about people other than the nominee. All living democratic Presidents made appearances. They welcomed immigrants and people of all ethnicities and faiths. While last week's RNC didn't have any of that shit.

The DNC had a few things in common with the RNC. Funky hats were all the rage at both conventions. Both conventions dropped balloons. And both conventions invited celebrities to speak. The DNC celebrities outnumbered the RNC celebrities by a unit of measurement known in the South as a shit-ton. Of course, the celebrities who turned out for Hillary weren't of the Scott Baio caliber who turned out for Trump.

I'm not sure if there is a point to celebrity endorsements. I can't imagine Ted Danson's endorsement swaying an election. Although, a year ago I couldn't have imagined Donald Trump as the Republican nominee. So, who knows?

There were so many celebrities at the DNC, it reminded me of an eighties mini-series. The ones where the networks used to throw in the stars of all their primetime shows whether it made sense or not because synergy. Anyway, I've decided to cover the DNC as a mini-series. Please enjoy.

Part One – Monday

Your regularly scheduled programming will not be seen tonight, so that we may bring you the following NBC Monday Night Movie Special, The Super Friends Go To Washington. Starring: Elizabeth Warren as She-Hulk, Michelle Obama as Lois Lane and Bernie Sanders as Aquaman. With special appearances by Sarah Silverman and Eva Longoria. Musical performances by Demi Lavoto and Paul Simon.

Episode One: Through Fire and Water

When we last saw the Super Friends, Superman Obama was nearing the end of his presidency. It was time to nominate a new President. Wonder Woman stepped forward to take the reigns. However, Aquaman, feeling a bit under appreciated, said he wanted to run, too. The Super Friends knew Wonder Woman was the better choice. Aquaman had a lot of good ideas and meant well, but his powers only work under water, which is only helpful in certain situations. Situations which happen to occur under water. They decided to keep their feelings to themselves and let the American people choose.

To the surprise of the Super Friends, and most people over thirty, AquaBernie picked up quite a following of devoted supporters. A following of devoted supporters mostly under thirty. However, it still wasn't enough to secure the nomination.

AquaBernie had a difficult choice to make. He disagreed with some of Wonder Woman's policies, but there was a new threat on the rise. The evil super villain, Trumpocalypse, had secured the nomination for the Legion of Doom. AquaBernie knew the Super Friends would have to remain united in order to defeat Trumpocalypse. AquaBernie returned to the Hall of Justice, made nice with Wonder Woman and they compromised on a platform.

The reunited Super Friends met up at the DNC to make their appeal to the good people of America, the greatest country ever. Little did they know that trouble was lurking far away in communist Russia. Shortly before the convention was to begin, something called WikiLeaks published emails hacked from the Hall of Justice servers. The emails were allegedly hacked by the Russians in the hopes of securing a victory for Trumpocalypse. The Russians want Trumpocalypse to win because he's not only evil, but also quite stupid. These emails proved the head of the DNC, Debbie Wasserman Shultz, wanted AquaBernie to lose and was willing to fight dirty to ensure his loss. Wonder Woman wasn't having this and she said to Debbie, "Bitch, you gots to go."

The convention was off to a shaky start. AquaBernie's supporters were upset over the scandal and many of them were going through puberty. They cried and chanted, "Feel the Bern," but quieted down when Demi Lovato started singing. I guess they'd been waiting their whole lives to see Demi Lovato live or something.

This was followed by some of the lesser known Super Friends, like the Wonder Twins or whoever. Then it was time for celebrity friend of the Super Friends, Sarah Silverman. Sarah had been an AquaBernie supporter, but wholeheartedly endorsed Hillary. I mean Wonder Woman. The AquaBernie supporters, now down from their Demi Lovato high, found this most troubling. Sarah told them they were being ridiculous. That went over well.

And now a performance by Paul Simon. (For anyone who wondered, and I know at least one person did, Garfunkle is alive.) Wonder Woman requested he sing "Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover" to the AquaBernie supporters.
She said it grieves me so to see you in such pain
I wish there was something I could do to make you smile again
She said why don't we both just sleep on it tonight
And I believe in the morning you'll begin to see the light
Instead, Paul gave a lovely performance of "Bridge Over Troubled Water," after which he slipped out the back, Jack.

Then celebrity friend of the Super Friends, Eva Longoria said something or introduced something or just stood around looking pretty or something.

Next, First Lady Lois Lane Obama gave a speech so eloquent and inspiring that Melania Trumpocalypse won't be able to copy it. When Lois Lane Obama said, "I wake up every morning in a house that was built by slaves," everyone watching got chills.

Well, almost everyone. It seems one of Trumpocalypse's minions by the name of Bill O'Reilly wasn't moved. He tried to diminish her words by saying, "The slaves were well-fed and had decent lodgings. And the government stopped hiring slaves in 1802." But, First Lady Lois Lane Obama was ready for him. She said, "Bill, I don't care if they were taken to Lobster-Fest every night. You can't make slavery sound like an okay thing. Also, you should know slaves aren't 'hired.' They are simply enslaved. They don't go through an interview process or a new hire orientation."

After that, Senator She-Hulk (played by Elizabeth Warren) took the stage. Even though Senator She-Hulk is a member of the Avengers, she felt compelled to join the Super Friends and their quest to defeat the Trumpocalypse. Senator She-Hulk looked straight into the camera and said, "Mr. Trumpocalypse, don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. You also wouldn't like me when I'm happy. Because getting under your extremely thin, yet somewhat leathery skin, makes me happy." The crowd went nuts.

Finally, the last speaker of the night, AquaBernie appeared. In the spirit of unity, everyone in the audience was given AquaBernie signs. It was lovely. AquaBernie thanked each of his supporters for their twenty-seven dollars and pledged to use some of the money to buy a second suit. He spoke of the frightening threat of the Trumpocalypse. He warned the people of the danger that would ensue if Wonder Woman doesn't win the election. He said some shit about a revolution and encouraged everyone to get behind Wonder Woman because we are stronger together. "Why do I even have to tell you that?" AquaBernie said. "That's the whole point of the Super Friends. We combine our super powers to create one strong team." And the audience chanted, "Aq-ua Bern-ie! Aq-ua Bern-ie!" Because nothing is more loveable than a curmudgeonly fish-man.

And so, the first night of the Super Friends convention was a happy one.

Unfortunately, Trumpocalypse was most displeased that the evil plan of his Russian comrades was foiled by the Super Friends. He immediately sprang into action with a new and more dastardly plan....

Part Two – Tuesday

Your regularly scheduled programming will not be seen tonight, so that we may bring you the following CBS Tuesday Night Movie Special, Part Two of The Super Friends Go To Washington. Starring: Bill Clinton as Steve Trevor. With special appearances by Elizabeth Banks, Tony Goldwyn, Lena Dunham, America Ferrara, Debra Messing, Erika Alexander and extra special guest star, Meryl Streep. With a musical performance by Alicia Keyes.

Episode Two: The Curious History of the World's Most Famous Heroine
(Actual title of a book about Wonder Woman)

From his evil lair in the halls of the Legion of Doom, the Trumpocalypse aimed his most dangerous weapon, his Twitter account, on the Super Friends. He shot rapid fired twits and tweets calling AquaBernie a sell-out and She-Hulk a Pocahontas, again forgetting Pocahontas was real person of great strength and character and not a cartoon created by The Walt Disney Company. Sadly for Trumpocalypse, his blows didn't land as a nation anxiously awaited the speech of former President Steve Trevor Clinton.

The convention held the official vote for the nomination. AquaBernie made the motion to nominate Wonder Woman as the first woman nominee of a major party and the future first woman President of the United States.

The evening began with the bad guy from Ghost introducing the Mothers of the Movement, women who lost their children to gun violence. It was a powerful moment that Fox News chose not to air.

This was followed by celebrity friends of the Super Friends, Lena Dunham and America Ferrara. America Ferrara is the daughter of Honduran immigrants and her name is America, which is also the name of the greatest country ever. What's more American than that?

Then there was a bunch of filler where Wonder Dog, Apache Chief, a senator or something and Grace from "Will and Grace" gave speeches that no one remembers.

Half-way through the evening, someone noticed Elizabeth Banks was hanging around backstage and told her celebrity loitering is not allowed. She was either to perform or leave. So she did a good enough spoof of Trumpocalypse's "We Are The Champions" entrance that the Super Friends allowed her to host the rest of the show.

A film was shown telling the story of 9/11 first responders. Some first responders spoke on stage of Senator Wonder Woman's tireless efforts to get them the funds and healthcare they needed in order to recover from that brutal attack. After which, Trumpocalypse tweeted the following:
"The Democratic Convention has paid ZERO respect to the great police and law enforcement professionals of our country. No recognition – SAD!"
Super Friend Congressman Joseph Crowley exposed an unspeakable act of fraud perpetrated by Trumpocalypse. It seems Trumpocalypse helped himself to one hundred and fifty thousand dollars of 9/11 recovery funds intended to help small businesses. Watching from his evil lair, Trumpocalypse shook his fist to the sky and shouted, "Curses! Foiled again!" Then murdered a puppy in a fit of rage.

More filler with speeches from senators, governors and the chick from "Living Single."

Finally, the moment all of America and the Hall of Justice had been waiting for, first woman Secretary of State, Madeleine Albright, introduced former President and Wonder Woman love interest, Steve Trevor Clinton.

Former President Steve Trevor Clinton spoke of his first sighting of Wonder Woman and how he didn't have the courage to speak to her. So he just followed her around. And I guess you could do that without fear of a restraining order in the seventies. Finally, Wonder Woman approached him and said, "Stop staring at me like some weird creeper."

Steve Trevor Clinton shared the oh-so-romantic tale of the first time he proposed to Wonder Woman. And the second time he proposed to Wonder Woman. And the third time he proposed to Wonder Woman.

From Watch Tower, the Super Friends began to worry that Steve may be losing the audience. Because all of America knows that Steve and Wonder Woman have had a bit of a complicated relationship. Their worry was for naught, though, because former President Steve Trevor Clinton went on to tell of the many heroic and life saving actions of Wonder Woman's life. He told of Wonder Woman's fight to desegregate schools, how she helped disabled children get an education, how she worked to provide healthcare to eight million children and how she helped America defeat the Nazis during World War II.

Steve shared how Wonder Woman's strength helped him recover after he lost his first re-election campaign in Arkansas. She said, "Bill, Steve, whatever your name is, get your shit together and stop sitting around watching Police Academy movies all day. They made six of those?"

Former President Steve Trevor Clinton talked for like an hour or something. And the audience ate that shit up. Hey, look! Bryan Cranston is in the audience.

But deep in the darkest recesses of the Legion of Doom, Trumpocalypse wasn't having it. He fired a most dastardly Tweet:
"No matter what Bill Clinton says and no matter how well he says it, the phony media will exclaim it to be incredible. Highly overrated!"
Super Friend Donna Troy then exclaimed, "President Clinton's speech was incredible!"

And now, to name every woman of historical significance in American history, extra special guest star, Meryl Streep:
"Harriet Tubman, Susan B. Anthony, Rosa Parks, Eleanor Roosevelt, Oprah, Sally Ride, Sandra Day O'Connor, Cagney and Lacey, Geraldine Ferraro, Shirley Chisholm, Cher!"
Musical performance by Alicia Keys:
Cause I am a Superwoman
Even when I'm a mess
I still put on a vest
With an S on my chest
This girl is on fi-i-irrre...
A video of every President of the United States ever, who all happen to be men, followed by CGI glass shattering and... Wonder Woman on the big screen! All throughout the Hall of Justice, Super Friends rejoiced.

Meanwhile... in the Legion of Doom... Trumpocalypse set the wheels in motion for his darkest deed yet....

To be continued.

Namaste, Bitches


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