A Fairy Tale by Donna Troy
As soon as The Trump finished speaking, some of the Klansmen invited him to join them for some ale. The Trump joined them, but turned down the ale. He only drinks from golden mugs, which aren't available at Bubba's. The Trump and three Klansmen sat around a table in silence for some time as the Klansmen were still quite shocked at The Trump's request to do something about Princess Hillary. (Had the Klansmen bothered to read my blog, they wouldn't have been surprised. Previously on this blog site, The Trump has been linked to the deaths of Muhammed Ali, Buddy Holly, The Big Bopper, Ritchie Valens, Elvis Presley, Princess Diana, Michael Jackson and Antonin Scalia. What the hell? Let's throw in Tupac while I'm at.)
Finally, a Klansman who goes by the name of The Wolf spoke. "Mr. The Trump, we can't do anything about Princess Hillary. We don't really do those kinds of things anymore."
"What are you talking about?" The Trump asked. "I only said maybe you can do something. I didn't say what. I just said maybe something. Isn't there maybe something you can do?"
"Maybe fifty years ago," said The Wolf. "Back then, the Sheriff of Nottingham used to look the other way when we roughed up a grandmother or tore down the houses of a little pig or two or three. Today, we'd get arrested and we can't afford to go to jail. We have families, you know."
"So, what the hell do Klansmen do now?" asked The Trump.
"We mostly burn crosses in the woods, on our own property, and moan about Munchkins coming over here and taking our jobs."
"Okay, that's good. I can work with that," said The Trump. "We can't allow Munchkins to keep crossing our borders and taking our jobs. I will be a great job creator. That I can tell you. What jobs did you have?"
"I was in VCR repair," said The Wolf.
"I was a toll booth operator," said the second Klansman.
"I worked at Blockbuster," said the third Klansman.
"Oh, shit," said The Trump. With that, he quickly departed Bubba's and sent for his second son, The Trump Jr. Jr., also known as Eric.
Eric arrived eager to assist his father, but was disappointed to learn that The Trump only wished to speak to the Magic Mirror, of which Eric was the keeper.
"Why?" said The Trump. "Your only job was to carry the Magic Mirror. I can't be paying you to do nothing."
With that, The Trump flew back to Trump Tower to seek council with his daughter Ivanka.
Meanwhile, Princess Hillary and Toto continued campaigning along the Yellow Brick Road. Along the way, she met a scarecrow in need of a brain. He asked the Princess if she would take him to the Wizard. Instead, Princess Hillary explained her education bill to the scarecrow and asked for his vote. He seemed pleased and pledged his support. Princess Hillary thanked him, but secretly worried as The Trump tended to do well among the brainless.
Further along the Yellow Brick Road, Princess Hillary met a tin woodman in need of a heart. He asked the Princess if she would take him to the Wizard. Instead, Princess Hillary told him of universal healthcare and asked for his vote. He seemed pleased and pledged his support. Princess Hillary thanked him, but secretly worried as The Trump tended to do well among the heartless.
At her final stop along the Yellow Brick Road, Princess Hillary met a lion in need of courage. He asked the Princess if she would take him to see the Wizard. Instead, Princess Hillary vowed to put lions on the endangered species list. He would no longer need to fear being hunted by the son(s) of The Trump.
"Are lions endangered?" asked the lion.
Princess Hillary shrugged and said, "Probably. Humans have really fucked up this planet."
The lion seemed pleased and pledged his support. Princess Hillary thanked him, but secretly worried as The Trump tended to do well among the spineless.
After a long day of travel along the Yellow Brick Road, Princess Hillary and Toto came across a field of poppies and thought it to be a lovely place to get some rest.
Finally, a Klansman who goes by the name of The Wolf spoke. "Mr. The Trump, we can't do anything about Princess Hillary. We don't really do those kinds of things anymore."
"What are you talking about?" The Trump asked. "I only said maybe you can do something. I didn't say what. I just said maybe something. Isn't there maybe something you can do?"
"Maybe fifty years ago," said The Wolf. "Back then, the Sheriff of Nottingham used to look the other way when we roughed up a grandmother or tore down the houses of a little pig or two or three. Today, we'd get arrested and we can't afford to go to jail. We have families, you know."
"So, what the hell do Klansmen do now?" asked The Trump.
"We mostly burn crosses in the woods, on our own property, and moan about Munchkins coming over here and taking our jobs."
"Okay, that's good. I can work with that," said The Trump. "We can't allow Munchkins to keep crossing our borders and taking our jobs. I will be a great job creator. That I can tell you. What jobs did you have?"
"I was in VCR repair," said The Wolf.
"I was a toll booth operator," said the second Klansman.
"I worked at Blockbuster," said the third Klansman.
"Oh, shit," said The Trump. With that, he quickly departed Bubba's and sent for his second son, The Trump Jr. Jr., also known as Eric.
Eric arrived eager to assist his father, but was disappointed to learn that The Trump only wished to speak to the Magic Mirror, of which Eric was the keeper.
"Mirror, mirror, in my son's hand,The Mirror replied:
Why did you send me to the Klan?"
"Shut the fuck up.The Trump became enraged and threw the Magic Mirror to the ground where it shattered and jagged pieces scattered everywhere. The Trump then grabbed one of the shards and slashed the throat of his son, Eric. Eric fell to the ground and managed to hoarsely whisper, "Why?" before passing away.
I did what you asked.
Only a fool
Would vote for an ass."
With that, The Trump flew back to Trump Tower to seek council with his daughter Ivanka.
Meanwhile, Princess Hillary and Toto continued campaigning along the Yellow Brick Road. Along the way, she met a scarecrow in need of a brain. He asked the Princess if she would take him to the Wizard. Instead, Princess Hillary explained her education bill to the scarecrow and asked for his vote. He seemed pleased and pledged his support. Princess Hillary thanked him, but secretly worried as The Trump tended to do well among the brainless.
"Are lions endangered?" asked the lion.
Princess Hillary shrugged and said, "Probably. Humans have really fucked up this planet."
The lion seemed pleased and pledged his support. Princess Hillary thanked him, but secretly worried as The Trump tended to do well among the spineless.
Meanwhile, The Trump had arrived at Trump Tower. He called up, "Ivanka, Ivanka, let down your hair." Ivanka tossed her long blond hair out the window and it cascaded toward the ground. The Trump climbed it up to his office.
"The Klan was a bad idea," The Trump said. "It was a total disaster."
"I know," said Ivanka. "I warned you not to work with that mirror, Father. But no need to worry. I've set up a meeting with the Munchkins. You must tell them you won't send them back to Munchkinland. They're waiting for you in the boardroom."
"But I told the Klan I would send them back," said The Trump.
"Good," said Ivanka. "The Klan heard what they wanted to hear. Now, go forth and tell the Munchkins what they want to hear, whether it be true or not." The Trump nodded and followed Ivanka into the boardroom. The Munchkins were already seated as they anxiously awaited The Trump's address.
"I want to thank all our Munchkin friends for being here today. Uh... I'll take some questions if you have any."
One Munchkin rose.
Another Munchkin rose.
A small Munchkin girl in the back of the boardroom spoke up.
The Trump sighed and turned to Ivanka, "What do we do now?"
Ivanka shook her head. "Nothing," she said. "For the crystal ball has predicted your defeat by a landslide. Princess Hillary will be the next Wizard of DC. There will be a great celebration in the Big White House. Princess Hillary and Toto will dine on spaghetti, and... the mirror is a little cloudy, but I think there is a chance of meatballs."
"The Klan was a bad idea," The Trump said. "It was a total disaster."
"I know," said Ivanka. "I warned you not to work with that mirror, Father. But no need to worry. I've set up a meeting with the Munchkins. You must tell them you won't send them back to Munchkinland. They're waiting for you in the boardroom."
"But I told the Klan I would send them back," said The Trump.
"Good," said Ivanka. "The Klan heard what they wanted to hear. Now, go forth and tell the Munchkins what they want to hear, whether it be true or not." The Trump nodded and followed Ivanka into the boardroom. The Munchkins were already seated as they anxiously awaited The Trump's address.
"I want to thank all our Munchkin friends for being here today. Uh... I'll take some questions if you have any."
One Munchkin rose.
"Mr. The Trump,"No," said The Trump, as he winked at Ivanka.
I represent the Lollipop Guild.
We have come to this land, new lives to build.
We have families and businesses. We are not a disease.
Will you send us back to Munchkinland and break our families?"
Another Munchkin rose.
"Mr. The Trump,"What moat?" asked The Trump. "I never said anything about a moat. It's Princess Hillary and her people spreading rumors about moat building. Look, folks, the Princess cannot be trusted. Do you hear me? She can't be trusted. Believe me. She's a very not well person. Ivanka, bring your crystal ball over here." The Trump made some weird hand gestures at the crystal ball until an image of Princess Hillary and Toto sleeping in the poppy field appeared. "You see? She doesn't have the stamina to be Wizard. She's sleeping. She did some things today and then just went to sleep. Who does that?"
As Mayor of the Munchkin City
In the county of the Land of Oz,
It's my duty to inform you
A moat is not a just cause."
A small Munchkin girl in the back of the boardroom spoke up.
"Mr. The Trump,With that, The Trump became enraged and stomped on the poor little Lullaby Munchkin, crushing her beyond repair. Frightened, the other Munchkins ran out of Trump Tower as fast as their little legs could carry them.
I represent the Lullaby League.
It's four o'clock in the morning.
Most people are asleep."
The Trump sighed and turned to Ivanka, "What do we do now?"
Ivanka shook her head. "Nothing," she said. "For the crystal ball has predicted your defeat by a landslide. Princess Hillary will be the next Wizard of DC. There will be a great celebration in the Big White House. Princess Hillary and Toto will dine on spaghetti, and... the mirror is a little cloudy, but I think there is a chance of meatballs."
Namaste, Bitches
