Monday, August 1, 2016

Come On, We're America

The Star-Studded Story of the 2016 Democratic National Convention


Hillary Clinton and I made history this week as we became the first future first woman President of the United States to be the first woman presidential nominee of a major party. You may take a moment to applaud.

Thank you.

The DNC had many hopeful and uplifting speeches. They showed films about people other than the nominee. All living democratic Presidents made appearances. They welcomed immigrants and people of all ethnicities and faiths. While last week's RNC didn't have any of that shit.

The DNC had a few things in common with the RNC. Funky hats were all the rage at both conventions. Both conventions dropped balloons. And both conventions invited celebrities to speak. The DNC celebrities outnumbered the RNC celebrities by a unit of measurement known in the South as a shit-ton. Of course, the celebrities who turned out for Hillary weren't of the Scott Baio caliber who turned out for Trump.

I'm not sure if there is a point to celebrity endorsements. I can't imagine Ted Danson's endorsement swaying an election. Although, a year ago I couldn't have imagined Donald Trump as the Republican nominee. So, who knows?

There were so many celebrities at the DNC, it reminded me of an eighties mini-series. The ones where the networks used to throw in the stars of all their primetime shows whether it made sense or not because synergy. Anyway, I've decided to cover the DNC as a mini-series. Please enjoy.

Part One – Monday

Your regularly scheduled programming will not be seen tonight, so that we may bring you the following NBC Monday Night Movie Special, The Super Friends Go To Washington. Starring: Elizabeth Warren as She-Hulk, Michelle Obama as Lois Lane and Bernie Sanders as Aquaman. With special appearances by Sarah Silverman and Eva Longoria. Musical performances by Demi Lavoto and Paul Simon.

Episode One: Through Fire and Water

When we last saw the Super Friends, Superman Obama was nearing the end of his presidency. It was time to nominate a new President. Wonder Woman stepped forward to take the reigns. However, Aquaman, feeling a bit under appreciated, said he wanted to run, too. The Super Friends knew Wonder Woman was the better choice. Aquaman had a lot of good ideas and meant well, but his powers only work under water, which is only helpful in certain situations. Situations which happen to occur under water. They decided to keep their feelings to themselves and let the American people choose.

To the surprise of the Super Friends, and most people over thirty, AquaBernie picked up quite a following of devoted supporters. A following of devoted supporters mostly under thirty. However, it still wasn't enough to secure the nomination.

AquaBernie had a difficult choice to make. He disagreed with some of Wonder Woman's policies, but there was a new threat on the rise. The evil super villain, Trumpocalypse, had secured the nomination for the Legion of Doom. AquaBernie knew the Super Friends would have to remain united in order to defeat Trumpocalypse. AquaBernie returned to the Hall of Justice, made nice with Wonder Woman and they compromised on a platform.

The reunited Super Friends met up at the DNC to make their appeal to the good people of America, the greatest country ever. Little did they know that trouble was lurking far away in communist Russia. Shortly before the convention was to begin, something called WikiLeaks published emails hacked from the Hall of Justice servers. The emails were allegedly hacked by the Russians in the hopes of securing a victory for Trumpocalypse. The Russians want Trumpocalypse to win because he's not only evil, but also quite stupid. These emails proved the head of the DNC, Debbie Wasserman Shultz, wanted AquaBernie to lose and was willing to fight dirty to ensure his loss. Wonder Woman wasn't having this and she said to Debbie, "Bitch, you gots to go."

The convention was off to a shaky start. AquaBernie's supporters were upset over the scandal and many of them were going through puberty. They cried and chanted, "Feel the Bern," but quieted down when Demi Lovato started singing. I guess they'd been waiting their whole lives to see Demi Lovato live or something.

This was followed by some of the lesser known Super Friends, like the Wonder Twins or whoever. Then it was time for celebrity friend of the Super Friends, Sarah Silverman. Sarah had been an AquaBernie supporter, but wholeheartedly endorsed Hillary. I mean Wonder Woman. The AquaBernie supporters, now down from their Demi Lovato high, found this most troubling. Sarah told them they were being ridiculous. That went over well.

And now a performance by Paul Simon. (For anyone who wondered, and I know at least one person did, Garfunkle is alive.) Wonder Woman requested he sing "Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover" to the AquaBernie supporters.
She said it grieves me so to see you in such pain
I wish there was something I could do to make you smile again
She said why don't we both just sleep on it tonight
And I believe in the morning you'll begin to see the light
Instead, Paul gave a lovely performance of "Bridge Over Troubled Water," after which he slipped out the back, Jack.

Then celebrity friend of the Super Friends, Eva Longoria said something or introduced something or just stood around looking pretty or something.

Next, First Lady Lois Lane Obama gave a speech so eloquent and inspiring that Melania Trumpocalypse won't be able to copy it. When Lois Lane Obama said, "I wake up every morning in a house that was built by slaves," everyone watching got chills.

Well, almost everyone. It seems one of Trumpocalypse's minions by the name of Bill O'Reilly wasn't moved. He tried to diminish her words by saying, "The slaves were well-fed and had decent lodgings. And the government stopped hiring slaves in 1802." But, First Lady Lois Lane Obama was ready for him. She said, "Bill, I don't care if they were taken to Lobster-Fest every night. You can't make slavery sound like an okay thing. Also, you should know slaves aren't 'hired.' They are simply enslaved. They don't go through an interview process or a new hire orientation."

After that, Senator She-Hulk (played by Elizabeth Warren) took the stage. Even though Senator She-Hulk is a member of the Avengers, she felt compelled to join the Super Friends and their quest to defeat the Trumpocalypse. Senator She-Hulk looked straight into the camera and said, "Mr. Trumpocalypse, don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. You also wouldn't like me when I'm happy. Because getting under your extremely thin, yet somewhat leathery skin, makes me happy." The crowd went nuts.

Finally, the last speaker of the night, AquaBernie appeared. In the spirit of unity, everyone in the audience was given AquaBernie signs. It was lovely. AquaBernie thanked each of his supporters for their twenty-seven dollars and pledged to use some of the money to buy a second suit. He spoke of the frightening threat of the Trumpocalypse. He warned the people of the danger that would ensue if Wonder Woman doesn't win the election. He said some shit about a revolution and encouraged everyone to get behind Wonder Woman because we are stronger together. "Why do I even have to tell you that?" AquaBernie said. "That's the whole point of the Super Friends. We combine our super powers to create one strong team." And the audience chanted, "Aq-ua Bern-ie! Aq-ua Bern-ie!" Because nothing is more loveable than a curmudgeonly fish-man.

And so, the first night of the Super Friends convention was a happy one.

Unfortunately, Trumpocalypse was most displeased that the evil plan of his Russian comrades was foiled by the Super Friends. He immediately sprang into action with a new and more dastardly plan....

Part Two – Tuesday

Your regularly scheduled programming will not be seen tonight, so that we may bring you the following CBS Tuesday Night Movie Special, Part Two of The Super Friends Go To Washington. Starring: Bill Clinton as Steve Trevor. With special appearances by Elizabeth Banks, Tony Goldwyn, Lena Dunham, America Ferrara, Debra Messing, Erika Alexander and extra special guest star, Meryl Streep. With a musical performance by Alicia Keyes.

Episode Two: The Curious History of the World's Most Famous Heroine
(Actual title of a book about Wonder Woman)

From his evil lair in the halls of the Legion of Doom, the Trumpocalypse aimed his most dangerous weapon, his Twitter account, on the Super Friends. He shot rapid fired twits and tweets calling AquaBernie a sell-out and She-Hulk a Pocahontas, again forgetting Pocahontas was real person of great strength and character and not a cartoon created by The Walt Disney Company. Sadly for Trumpocalypse, his blows didn't land as a nation anxiously awaited the speech of former President Steve Trevor Clinton.

The convention held the official vote for the nomination. AquaBernie made the motion to nominate Wonder Woman as the first woman nominee of a major party and the future first woman President of the United States.

The evening began with the bad guy from Ghost introducing the Mothers of the Movement, women who lost their children to gun violence. It was a powerful moment that Fox News chose not to air.

This was followed by celebrity friends of the Super Friends, Lena Dunham and America Ferrara. America Ferrara is the daughter of Honduran immigrants and her name is America, which is also the name of the greatest country ever. What's more American than that?

Then there was a bunch of filler where Wonder Dog, Apache Chief, a senator or something and Grace from "Will and Grace" gave speeches that no one remembers.

Half-way through the evening, someone noticed Elizabeth Banks was hanging around backstage and told her celebrity loitering is not allowed. She was either to perform or leave. So she did a good enough spoof of Trumpocalypse's "We Are The Champions" entrance that the Super Friends allowed her to host the rest of the show.

A film was shown telling the story of 9/11 first responders. Some first responders spoke on stage of Senator Wonder Woman's tireless efforts to get them the funds and healthcare they needed in order to recover from that brutal attack. After which, Trumpocalypse tweeted the following:
"The Democratic Convention has paid ZERO respect to the great police and law enforcement professionals of our country. No recognition – SAD!"
Super Friend Congressman Joseph Crowley exposed an unspeakable act of fraud perpetrated by Trumpocalypse. It seems Trumpocalypse helped himself to one hundred and fifty thousand dollars of 9/11 recovery funds intended to help small businesses. Watching from his evil lair, Trumpocalypse shook his fist to the sky and shouted, "Curses! Foiled again!" Then murdered a puppy in a fit of rage.

More filler with speeches from senators, governors and the chick from "Living Single."

Finally, the moment all of America and the Hall of Justice had been waiting for, first woman Secretary of State, Madeleine Albright, introduced former President and Wonder Woman love interest, Steve Trevor Clinton.

Former President Steve Trevor Clinton spoke of his first sighting of Wonder Woman and how he didn't have the courage to speak to her. So he just followed her around. And I guess you could do that without fear of a restraining order in the seventies. Finally, Wonder Woman approached him and said, "Stop staring at me like some weird creeper."

Steve Trevor Clinton shared the oh-so-romantic tale of the first time he proposed to Wonder Woman. And the second time he proposed to Wonder Woman. And the third time he proposed to Wonder Woman.

From Watch Tower, the Super Friends began to worry that Steve may be losing the audience. Because all of America knows that Steve and Wonder Woman have had a bit of a complicated relationship. Their worry was for naught, though, because former President Steve Trevor Clinton went on to tell of the many heroic and life saving actions of Wonder Woman's life. He told of Wonder Woman's fight to desegregate schools, how she helped disabled children get an education, how she worked to provide healthcare to eight million children and how she helped America defeat the Nazis during World War II.

Steve shared how Wonder Woman's strength helped him recover after he lost his first re-election campaign in Arkansas. She said, "Bill, Steve, whatever your name is, get your shit together and stop sitting around watching Police Academy movies all day. They made six of those?"

Former President Steve Trevor Clinton talked for like an hour or something. And the audience ate that shit up. Hey, look! Bryan Cranston is in the audience.

But deep in the darkest recesses of the Legion of Doom, Trumpocalypse wasn't having it. He fired a most dastardly Tweet:
"No matter what Bill Clinton says and no matter how well he says it, the phony media will exclaim it to be incredible. Highly overrated!"
Super Friend Donna Troy then exclaimed, "President Clinton's speech was incredible!"

And now, to name every woman of historical significance in American history, extra special guest star, Meryl Streep:
"Harriet Tubman, Susan B. Anthony, Rosa Parks, Eleanor Roosevelt, Oprah, Sally Ride, Sandra Day O'Connor, Cagney and Lacey, Geraldine Ferraro, Shirley Chisholm, Cher!"
Musical performance by Alicia Keys:
Cause I am a Superwoman
Even when I'm a mess
I still put on a vest
With an S on my chest
This girl is on fi-i-irrre...
A video of every President of the United States ever, who all happen to be men, followed by CGI glass shattering and... Wonder Woman on the big screen! All throughout the Hall of Justice, Super Friends rejoiced.

Meanwhile... in the Legion of Doom... Trumpocalypse set the wheels in motion for his darkest deed yet....

To be continued.

Namaste, Bitches


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