The Bizarre Tale of the 2016 Republican National Convention
Part Three – Wednesday
Wednesday's theme was Make America First Again. First in what is anyone's guess, but who cares. We're number one! We're number one! USA! USA!
Notable Speakers:
Marco Rubio Lil Marco didn't actually go to the convention. Not that I blame him for not wanting to be near the asshole who dubbed him Lil Marco. Lil Marco recorded a ninety second spot for the convention instead. He said nasty things about Hillary Clinton for roughly eighty-five seconds, and I think he said vote for Trump in the last five seconds, but I'm not sure. Marco looked pained in the video and appeared to be under duress. Like maybe there was someone holding a gun to his wife's head off camera. In any event, it wasn't an inspired endorsement of Trump, but hopefully it was enough to save Mrs. Rubio.
Ted Cruz The Donnie called Ted's wife ugly, implicated Ted's father in the assassination of JFK and started the oh-so-clever nickname, Lyin' Ted. (I happen to think my nickname for Ted, Muppet Asshole, is much better. To each his own, I guess.)
After all that, Donnie invited Ted to speak at the convention. Ted had not endorsed Donnie. Ted had no intention of endorsing Donnie. Donnie reviewed his speech ahead of time. The decision to allow Ted Cruz to speak was Trump's. Trump is a narcissist who thrives on drama and chaos.
Ted knew his speech would upset people. He didn't have to go to the convention at all. No one was holding a gun to his wife's head. Because those people were busy with Mrs. Rubio. The decision to give the speech was Ted's. Ted Cruz is a narcissist who thrives on drama and chaos.
So with all this information known to the general public, there was much speculation as to whether or not Ted Cruz would endorse Trump.
Muppet Asshole was scheduled to speak for eight minutes. He spoke for twenty-three minutes. What follows is not a transcript of Ted's speech, but it's close enough:
Sad things happened in the last few weeks. Please allow me to milk these events for political gain. I will offer no solutions to the problems our country faces, but I'd like you to believe I give a shit even though I clearly do not. I believe if I contort my face into what I think sad looks like, people will see me as a compassionate person. Even though I am the same person who got into a fight with a ten-year-old at a rally. When I look at the problems facing our country today, I'm reminded of that old episode of The Potsie Show. A bad crowd started hanging out at Arnold's. Pretty soon Al's regular customers stopped coming in. Al was in danger of losing his business. Potsie and Ralph tried to run the hooligans off, but they were no match for the kind of lawlessness that had run amuck in their small community. Finally, in a last ditch effort to save his friend's business, Potsie called on his old friend Fonzie. You see, Fonzie was the kind of man who would help a friend in need. The kind of man who wanted to see small business owners succeed and live the American Dream. The kind of man who could not stand idly by and let criminals run his community. That was not Fonzie's America. So, Fonzie went to Arnold's and cleaned house. He ran those thugs out of Arnold's. He ran those thugs out of Milwaukee. Eventually, Fonzie ran those thugs out of the state of Wisconsin all together. Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are the thugs threatening our communities today. We need the Potsies and the Fonzies of America to unite against the threat of radical Islamic terrorism.
The Republican party was the party of civil rights and diversity beginning in the 1860s with the election of Abraham Lincoln. The strides made with civil rights by the Republican party can be seen in the annals of history from Lincoln all the way through to the early 1960s. Sure, we've spent the last fifty years promoting racism, fear mongering and paranoia, but friends, I urge you not to let that decide your vote this November.
Now, I'm going to tell you all the reasons Hillary Clinton shouldn't be elected president. Blah, blah, blah, Hillary bad.
Friends, now that I've made the case against Hillary Clinton I am going to say some things that will lead you to believe I'm about to endorse Donald Trump, but I cannot and will not do that. To the people at home, I implore you not to stay home in November. I urge you to vote your conscience up and down the Republican ticket.
Shit. Got. Ugly. The words vote your conscience caused the whole place to go full throttle angry lynch mob. Because Trump supporters know voting your conscience is not a vote for Trump. They booed Muppet Asshole and chanted "Endorse Trump!" Muppet Asshole kept on with his speech amid the boos and chanting.
In what the Trump campaign people call a "coincidence of timing," Trump entered the arena during the booing of Ted Cruz. He waved to the crowd, then took a seat with his family. Trump people said Donnie arrived to hear Mike Pence speak. Shortly thereafter, Ted was booed off stage. Donnie got up and left. Mike Pence hadn't taken the stage yet, but I guess Trump heard all he needed to.
Eric Trump Not much attention was paid to anything Eric said because people were still all worked up about the Ted Cruz thing. Eric basically repeated everything his brother said the night before. Even that weird signing the front of a paycheck thing. He did say one thing that struck me as odd. And I quote, "My dad isn't running for President because he needs the job."
Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Eric Trump.
Dear Eric,
People don't run for President because they "need the job." It seems you think presidential candidates are individuals who can't pay their mortgage and only want the job for free government housing. You're understanding of how the world works is lacking. You may want to work on that.
Also, many people are comparing you to Christian Bale's character in American Psycho. You may want to work on that, as well.
Yours Truly,
Donna Troy
Newt Gingrich Not much attention was paid to anything Newt said because people were still all worked up about the Ted Cruz thing. He made an attempt to smooth over the Ted Cruz thing, but it didn't land.
Mike Pence Not much attention was paid to anything Mike said because people were still all worked up about the Ted Cruz thing. People were also wondering where the fuck Trump wandered off to. Mike accepted the nomination for Vice President and gave a pretty normal convention speech. He seemed likeable enough. The angry lynch mob chanted, "We Like Mike!" Keep in mind, after three days of the RNC, the bar for likeable was pretty low.
Mike wrapped up his speech and Trump returned. He appeared on stage with Mike and gave him an air kiss. It should be noted, Pence did not return said air kiss. This was a one-sided air kiss.
Part Four – Thursday
Thursday's theme was Make America Great Again. If you listened to Donald Trump's eighty-minute speech and still aren't convinced he can make America great, then you are a good listener.
Notable Speakers:
Paul Manafort, Trump's Campaign Something-or-Other Manafort didn't give a speech, but he gave an interview at the convention. He was asked about Trump's problem with women. He said women will vote for Trump because:
“Many women feel they can’t afford their lives, their husbands can’t afford to be paying for the family bills. Hillary Clinton is guilty of being part of the establishment that created that problem."
Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Paul Manafort.
Dear Paul,
What the fuck was that?
Donna
Jon Voight Jon Voight narrated a film about the successful real estate career of Donald J. Trump. The film was like something you'd see in a movie about an evil billionaire who is running for President. Perhaps this film can later be used in The Daughter He Left Behind: The Tiffany Trump Story.
Ivanka Trump Ivanka walked onto the stage to "Here Comes The Sun" by George Harrison. The following day, the estate of George Harrison issued a statement regarding the unauthorized use of the song. Clearly, the Trumps learned nothing from the Queen incident. And not to play the victim here, but I gave a friend a music box that plays "Here Comes The Sun" for Christmas. So now my Christmas present is tainted.
It became apparent rather quickly that Ivanka's job was to help with Donnie's woman problem. According to Ivanka, Donnie has hired women to do real grown-up jobs, just like men. I guess that cancels out all the sexist shit he's said. Problem solved.
Then Ivanka went into a whole thing about the wage gap, and how single women with no children make ninety-four cents on the dollar compared to men, and the real war is on motherhood.
Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Ivanka Trump.
Dear Ivanka,
Ninety-four cents on the dollar is still less, you dumb bitch. The stats you referred to are about single women under thirty in certain metropolitan areas. In our society, women depreciate in value with age. The wage gap for a woman varies depending on location, age and ethnicity.
In some instances, women do earn ninety-four cents on the dollar. In other instances, women earn as low as fifty-nine cents on the dollar.
As far as the "war on motherhood," Hillary Clinton has been fighting for paid family leave and affordable childcare for decades.
Hillary and I appreciate your interest in joining us, but we got this.
Thank you for your interest.
Sincerely,
Donna Troy
Donald J. Trump He shouted for eighty excruciating minutes. I think this was a conspiracy to keep people up so they'd be late for work the next day and get fired. Then Trump can say unemployment is at an all time high under President Obama.
Trump's speech was dark and menacing and all kinds of creepy. I don't have it in me to repeat the crazy shit he was screaming about. Instead, please enjoy a series of text messages sent between my brother and me during Trump's speech.
Donna:
Melania and the youngest one are there. I feel like that's no place for a child.
Guy:
I'm sure whoever's raising him will make sure he turns out all right.
Melania doesn't give any standing ovations.
She's still learning American customs.
...
You are now watching the prequel to Idiocracy.
...
He's going to end violence! Why hasn't someone thought of that before?
...
Futuristic sci-fi anti-utopia
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That's a lie.
Also a lie.
Another lie.
...
"And so, I introduce to you... RoboCop!"
His right hand is gesturing 1s and 0s, which I'm guessing is the source code.
...
I have never considered the plight of third world airports.
It's a pan-am-idemic.
You should work for MSNBC.
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Trump says crime is at its highest, the data shows it's at its lowest.
"Tune in to MSNBC for more on this debate."
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Someone held up a Superman pic with Trump's head. Blasphemy thy name is Trump!
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Why can't Trump just plagiarize Obama?
I don't know, but I love that protestor. She's my hero.
Well, I love our police. They're my heroes. USA USA
Shoot to kill. USA USA
...
Weren't you a Bernie supporter? I think you're supposed to be in Cleveland.
Invoking Bernie was the third blasphemy of the night.
Lucifer is behind this.
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I thought he was going to explain in detail how he plans to accomplish whatever it is he hopes to accomplish.
Just kidding. I didn't expect that.
...
I may suspect Lucifer if the speech had fascist overtones.
...
Ah... Dick Wolf will be suing for copyright infringement.
I know. We're already a Law and Order country. There's probably a marathon on right now.
Special Shitting Unit back to back.
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LGBT and Q? He read the prompter and thought "And Q? When did they add that?"
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I think he just decided to ban the French.
I caught that. His goal all along.
Trump endorsed violence. He's not welcome in our country!
I don't want to put words in his mouth, but I think Trump may want to scapegoat immigrants.
You're being harsh. He just told us he's compassionate. So it must be true.
He's compassionate, but... He believes in equality, but...
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How long do you think it's been since he went off script? The balloon drop was supposed to happen at 11:10.
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A Trump America will have a Robocop on every street corner, an Apple II computer in every home and no Muslims or Mexicans.
I'm kind of excited about the Robocops.
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He's going more off script as the night goes. He's saying "very very" now.
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Watch the propaganda in the old Robocop movies. I'm telling ya.
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Yep. It's only a matter of time before he proposes The Potsie Show.
Potsie Show would make it all worthwhile.
Fingers crossed.
...
I bet Trump struts even when he's on the toilet.
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'Yes you will' is a chant now. That's just lazy chanting.
and more plagiarism.
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He takes the greatest shits ever. Very very tremendous shits.
Toilets beg for him to sit on them.
...
His rock are his 5 children & 11 bastard children
He didn't mention his grandchildren, but he can't talk about them for long anyway.
History is watching?
A slogan isn't a pledge.
History is watching as he stands on geography and wins at economics.
no balloons?
Here they come.
Who's going to clean up this mess?
Overpaid minimum wage earners will clean up.
Brian Williams said it's the longest acceptance speech in modern times.
Longest speech, least said.
Namaste, Bitches
