Monday, July 25, 2016

Irreconcilable Differences

The Bizarre Tale of the 2016 Republican National Convention


The Republican National Convention is a thing that happened, and it was all kinds of fucked up. I hate to use the reality show analogy because it's been so overused throughout the primary. I've overused it myself on this very blog site. I'm about to overuse it again. The RNC should be nominated for an Emmy. It had everything a good reality show should. Broken alliances, D-List celebrities, a cheating scandal, fights, costumes, dancing, people screaming for no reason, and Scott Baio for no reason.

Many people couldn't stomach four nights of this crazy shit, but still want to be informed. With the help of mild sedatives, I watched every episode and will tell you everything you need to know. There are many things you won't understand about the RNC. For instance, no one knows why the delegates dress up in costumes to vote for a presidential nominee. Although, I have to give them credit for creativity when it comes to headwear. One of my favorites was a star spangled hat with a stuffed elephant. But if I have to pick a winner it would be the Texas delegation. They wore matching Lone Star shirts and cowboy hats. They were well coordinated making it easy to identify a Texas delegate. If this were the Celebrity Apprentice, Texas would have won on branding.

A band played between speakers and the costumed delegates danced like it was New Year's Eve. Conversely, during the speeches they turned into an angry lynch mob at the mere mention of Hillary Clinton. They chanted, "LOCK HER UP! LOCK HER UP!" It could have come across dark and ugly, but it's hard to feel intimidated by an angry lynch mob wearing stuffed animals on their heads.

Many insignificant people took to the stage over four long days to express their dislike of Hillary Clinton. A couple of them, usually people named Trump, said nice things about Donald Trump.

Part One – Monday

Monday's theme was Make America Safe Again. I watched every minute of it, but somehow missed the part where America is going to be safe again.

Notable Speakers:

A Duck Dynasty Guy  I refuse to learn the name of any Duck Dynasty people. A Duck Dynasty Guy was the first speaker of the convention because the name Trump is synonymous with class. I don't know what A Duck Dynasty Guy said because my roommate and I were too busy laughing and making fun of him to listen.
Scott Baio  An actor so well known that CNN identified him only as 'Sitcom Star.' Though a plagiarizing scandal would cast doubt as to who wrote the speeches for the convention, Baio's words are quite obviously his own. It's the kind of stellar speech one would expect from a sitcom star. And I quote: "Hillary Clinton wants to be President for Hillary Clinton. Donald Trump wants to be President for all of us. Let's make America great again, but let's make America America again." No one knows what the fuck 'make America America again' means.

This reminds me of an episode of The Potsie Show when Ralph met a girl at the library and pretended to have read all her favorite books. And the girl took him to her book club. But when they asked Ralph what he liked about the book it was obvious he hadn't read it and the girl dumped him.

If you're an undecided voter who has been swayed to Team Trump by Scott Baio's charm, I urge you to wait and see who Fonzie endorses. Remember, Fonzie is the coolest and Chachi joined the cast of Happy Days the very season it jumped the shark.

Antonio Sabato, Jr.  Another has-been plucked from obscurity to make an ass of himself. He's a soap star from the eighties whom my sister had a crush on. A crush that she began denying Monday night. Laughter again prevented me from hearing his actual speech. I did watch an interview he gave afterward where he claimed Obama is a Muslim because Obama isn't a Christian name. Ironically, Antonio was only invited to speak because Trump didn't realize the Italian Sabato wasn't Mexican. Trump wanted a "famous" Mexican to endorse him to counter the claim that he hates all Mexicans simply because he called them rapists.

People Who Were on The Real World Two Decades Ago  A chick who was on the third season of The Real World – the one with Puck – and the obnoxious jock frat guy from another season got married. Obnoxious Jock Frat Guy is now a state representative or a councilman or the ambassador of cheese or something. The Real World couple have eight children. Real World Couple spent half of their allotted time talking about The Real World and their eight children in an obvious attempt to woo TV producers into giving them a new reality show. Ultra conservative families who don't believe in birth control have no choice but to star in reality shows to support the absurd amount of children they knew they couldn't afford before they had them. Ambassador of cheese sounds like a good job, but it doesn't pay much if you have eight kids. If they had two kids they could probably live on cheese ambassador money quite comfortably.

Real World Couple followed the pathetic pitch for Puck Plus Eight with a series of lame Hillary Clinton jokes. It was the kind of sharp wit one expects to hear on a Real World reunion special. (Do they still do those?)

Rudy Guilliani  Rudy was one of the few non-Trump speakers who managed to say anything nice about Trump. The former New York mayor told of the many "anonymous" donations Trump made to police and schools and low-income hookers. I don't think Rudy knows what anonymous means. You see, Rudy, an anonymous donation means you don't know the identity of the donor. But you clearly know the identity, so it wasn't anonymous.


Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Rudy Guilliani.

Dear Rudy,

I am a grown-up. I don't listen when people scream at me. Would you like it if someone was screaming at you like that? You need to learn to use your inside voice and speak calmly.

Warm Regards,
Donna Troy

Donald J. Trump  Donnie appeared onstage in a cloud of purple smoke to Queen's "We Are The Champions." And no one took his campaign seriously a year ago. If purple smoke doesn't say 'give this man the nuclear codes,' I don't know what does.

He said something about winning big and then introduced his beautiful piece-of-ass.

Note: The following day, Queen put out a statement about the unauthorized use of their song. This shit happens in every election. Future candidates, please get permission before using a copyrighted song in your campaign. It makes you look like an asshat when you don't and get called out on it. Not cool.

Melania Trump  There was a lot of buzz around Melania's speech before she took the stage. Because she doesn't speak publicly much. Because English isn't her first language. Because she's one of those filthy immigrants Donald Trump is trying to deport. Except Melania gets to stay because Donnie believes it's important to have a beautiful piece-of-ass on his arm. And now this beautiful piece-of-ass is a possible First Lady. Which means she needs to have more skills than that which is required of a beautiful piece-of-ass. Which may prove to be difficult because she's skated through life on her looks, thus far. So there was a lot of buzz.

Prior to the convention, Melania gave an interview to Matt Lauer where she claimed to have written the speech herself with as little help as possible. Finally, Melania took the stage and gave an eloquent and inspiring speech worthy of a First Lady. The First Lady being Michelle Obama who gave that very same speech eight years ago.

Despite footage of Michelle Obama giving the speech that Melania repeated almost verbatim, the Trump campaign denied the accusations of plagiarism in a most stupid way. Paul Manafort, Trump's campaign Something-or-Other, claimed the speeches were similar because Melania shares many ideals with Michelle. Which is curious since Trump accuses the Obamas of ruining America for all eternity. Manafort also claimed the speech used a lot of common words. It was like that time Vanilla Ice ripped off that Queen song, but still claimed his song was different while simultaneously acknowledging it was the same.

On Wednesday, a statement was released to the press by Meredith McIver, the Trump's in-house staff ballerina/speech writer, who claimed responsibility for the colossal fuck up. Her written statement explaining how Mrs. Obama's eight-year-old speech somehow ended up in Melania's speech was basically incomprehensible. In all fairness, it's important to remember she's a ballerina first, a speech writer second and a scapegoat third.

Part Two – Tuesday

Tuesday's theme was Make America Work Again. I can't tell you how Trump plans to make America work again because it didn't come up.

They performed the delegate vote officially making Donald Trump the Republican nominee. The Trump kids got to call the vote for the New York delegates, which put Donnie over the top. Please note: Two of the Trump kids didn't vote in the New York primary because they didn't register as Republicans on time. Because they didn't understand the rules even though they're really smart. Anyway, Little Don called the vote and shouted, "We love you, Dad!" to the sky for some reason. I don't know why Little Don thinks his dad is in the sky. No matter. Little Don's cult-like devotion to his father is duly noted.

Notable Speakers:

Chris Christie  This bloated motherfucker opened his speech by declaring he's been friends with Donald Trump for fourteen years. You'd think he'd have a lot to say about the character of a man who's been his friend for such a long time. You'd be wrong. His entire speech can be summed up thusly:

I know Donald Trump. I was a prosecutor. I hate Hillary Clinton. Let's have a mock trial of Hillary Clinton. I'm going to list a bunch of half-truths and outright lies after which I would like the angry lynch mob in front of me to yell guilty. Here we go.

Hillary Clinton owned a Ouija board as a kid. She's a witch!

Angry Lynch Mob:

Hillary Clinton was First Lady when Nixon died. She covered up her involvement in Watergate!

Angry Lynch Mob:

Hillary Clinton is probably going to be President. I wanted that job. She's taking jobs away from honest, hard-working Americans!

Angry Lynch Mob:

Later, Hillary Clinton Tweeted in response and made reference to Christie's involvement in the Bridgegate scandal. A reporter asked Christie about Clinton's response. That motherfucker said he is seriously warning the Secretary not to go down that road.

Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Chris Christie.

Dear Chris Christie,

First of all, your name is stupid and someone should smack your parents for giving you such a stupid name. Second, who the fuck do you think you are? Hillary Clinton is the future first woman President of the United States. Your career is toast. Look, I know you're angry and bitter and disappointed, but it's not Hillary's fault. It's yours. You need to accept it and let go of this misplaced anger.

Best wishes in all your future endeavors.

Donna Troy

Tiffany Trump  Tiffany is twenty-two years old and came across rather sweet and endearing. She gave a lovely speech and shared warm anecdotes about her father. Unfortunately, it wasn't enough to win the love of The Donnie who barely recognizes she's a person. I can't wait for Tiffany's tell-all book and the inevitable Lifetime movie based on Tiffany's tell-all book, The Daughter He Left Behind: The Tiffany Trump Story.

Donald Trump, Jr.  Don Jr. is the spoiled rich asshole son of a spoiled rich asshole. But Don Jr. wants you to know both he and his father understand the plight of the common man. Because he rode on a bulldozer with a guy named Vinnie, once. Because telling a story about the time he went slumming with the Vinnies of The Trump Organization doesn't make him seem like a pompous asshole at all.

He also kept repeating something about how his Dad has signed the front of a paycheck. I'm not sure why Don Jr. thinks that matters, but I do know Don Jr. has never stepped foot in the payroll department. The CEO doesn't actually sign paychecks. The signature prints right on the checks.

Don Jr. would also like you to know that he and his father see all that is wrong with America today. For instance, Don Jr. knows our public school system is run for the benefit of the teachers and not the students.

Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Don Jr.

Dear Don Jr.,

My sister is a teacher. She has asked me to express to you how the six minutes she is allotted for pee time is not to her benefit. You need to pivot toward the general election. Disparaging teachers will only win the vote of stupid people, which you already have.

Donna Troy

The rest of his speech went something like this:

"Hillary and Obama are bad. My dad is the greatest person ever. I love you, Dad! I know Ivanka is your favorite, but I'm trying really hard to kiss your ass. Please don't leave me out of the will like Tiffany. I'll never make it on my own."

Dr. Ben Carson  Dr. Carson explained how the brain works while pointing to his head like he was talking to a group of pre-school children. In all fairness, the people in the audience were wearing stuffed animals on their heads, so.... He then awkwardly attempted to connect Hillary Clinton to Lucifer. Because forty years ago Hillary Clinton read a book in which Lucifer was jokingly mentioned. Ben Carson missed the jokingly part. Because Ben Carson doesn't have a sense of humor. Or a sense of reality. So, according to Dr. Ben, Hillary Clinton is the candidate of Lucifer.

Unfortunately for Dr. Ben, I beat him to the punch on this. In my unauthorized biography of Donald Trump, I make a much better case for Trump being the candidate of Lucifer. And I back it up with facts. Facts as defined by Donald Trump.

And those were the first two days of The Republican National Convention. It started with Ducky Dynasty and ended with Lucifer. God bless America.

Namaste, Bitches


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