Did you know The Art of The Deal is
the biggest selling non-fiction book of all time? It’s not, but
Donald Trump claims it is. I
would also take issue with calling it non-fiction. Upon the release
of the book in 1987, Random House did an initial printing of 150,00
copies. Of which, 4000 copies were purchased by Ivana Trump. Fact.
On
July 14, Mary Trump, niece of Donald, released her book, Too
Much and Never Enough: How My Family Created the World's Most
Dangerous Man. It
sold 950,000 copies in one day, which is a record breaking first day
sales number for Simon & Schuster. Fact.
I’ve been pushing really hard for a
Tiffany Trump tell-all since 2016. I’ve even been helpful enough to
provide her with a title that will translate nicely into a Lifetime
movie, The Daughter He Left
Behind: The Tiffany Trump Story. Since
Tiffany either won’t take the bait or is completely unaware of my
existence, I decided to read
Mary’s book. And
I was shocked. Shocked, I tell you. There is a Trump who is actually
likable. In the opening, she recounts reluctantly
staying at a Trump hotel to
attend a family dinner hosted by Donald. I
was immediately hooked when I read the words,
“so I poured some Trump Wine down my Trump throat.”
Now please excuse me while I write an
open letter to and have a Jerry Maguire moment with Mary Trump:
Dear Mary,
You had me at the prologue. You had
me at the prologue.
Your Friend,
Donna Troy
When writing these blogs I tend to use
a mix of real Trump shit and make-em-ups. Because real Trump shit is
so crazy you can’t make it up, a lot of people believe my
make-em-ups are real. And
sometimes, unbeknownst to me, my make-em-ups are real.
For
example, when blogging about Trump’s inauguration I wrote,
“Forty-Five took the oath
of office using his own Bible, his own Bible being a copy of The
Art of The Deal.” Two
years later, ousted Trump staffer and reality show villain, Omarosa
wrote
a book. I read it, expecting it to be entertaining in a Sharknado
kind of way. In it, she claims Trump did in fact want to be sworn in
with The Art of The
Deal,
but
someone managed to talk him out of it. Instead of being entertained
in a Sharknado kind of way, I was all like, “Shit.
Sharknadoes are real.”
In
the very same post I questioned the whereabouts of Donald Trump’s
siblings and
strongly hinted that Trump may be criminally involved in their
disappearance.
Mary
Trump also
wondered why no one in the media seemed to notice this conspicuous
absence of Trumps. According to her
book, the siblings wanted nothing to do with all this wanting to be
president bullshit. This
doesn’t have anything to do with make-em-ups. I just wanted my new
friend Mary to know that I noticed.
Back
to make-em-ups.
In
another post I wrote, “If abortion had been legal in 1946, I'm sure Mary
Anne Trump would have terminated that whole "Rosemary's Baby"
situation going on in her womb.” Donald Trump was sent away to
military school between the ages of thirteen and eighteen. According
to Mary Trump, her grandmother once confessed to her that she was
relieved to be rid of Donald because he was such an obnoxious pain in
the ass. And
now the world suffers
because
she waited thirteen years before attempting to abort her malevolent
spawn.
All
the Trumps have similar names for some fucking reason. Most likely so
they can pin their crimes on one
another. There’s Ivana Trump,
Ivanka Trump, Mary Anne Trump, Maryanne Trump, Mary Trump, Fred
Trump, Sr., Fred Trump, Jr., Fred Trump, III, Eric Trump, Eric Trump,
Jr., Donald Trump, Sr., Donald Trump, Jr. and Donald Trump, III. Yes,
there’s a third Donald Trump. He’s
only eleven so I’ll leave him alone. Hopefully, he’ll turn out to
be harmless. The third sequel is usually
boring.
The
general theme of Mary’s book is what we already know. Fred Trump,
Sr. was a racist, sexist, greedy, narcissistic sociopath of limited
vocabulary who begot Donald Trump, Sr., a racist, sexist, greedy,
narcissistic sociopath of limited vocabulary. And
it’s full of stories that I’m sure would anger Donald if could
read at the same level as... anyone.
Now
for some new make-em-ups.
I shall provide Donald Trump’s responses to some of the allegations
made my Mary Trump.
1.
Donald’s older sister, Maryanne, did all his homework.
DJT:
This is such old fake news, okay. If Maryanne’s so smart, how come
I’m president and she’s only
a judge. A judge who had to retire, I hate to tell you, and she’s
only eighty-three. Because women don’t have the stamina to do the
same work as men. It’s
called stamina. And it’s called brain power. And there’s lots of
things
you can call it, but I have it. And everyone knows I have it.
You
know, people never want to give Trump credit for anything. And this
is going way back, before any of you even know, probably. I had a
teacher who said the same thing. After class, he said to me, he said,
“Trump, I know someone else did your homework.” And
this guy, I mean, he was so jealous of Trump because he knew, even as
a kid, that I was so much smarter than him. He was the kind of guy
that was a loser and knew he’d be a loser for the rest of his life.
So it was like, it was like he couldn’t stand to see anyone else
win.
So
I said to him, I said, “Where’s the proof? That’s my homework.
My name’s on it. Were you at my house last night? Did you see
anyone else do my homework?” And this guy comes back at me with,
“Boys don’t dot their i’s with little hearts.” And I was all
like, “That’s it? That’s your proof. I happen to be like
a
very warm guy, okay. I was the first person to dot their i’s with
hearts. It’s like, nobody was doing it before Trump. It’s how I
sign my name.” And this guy wouldn’t let up, he said, “But
Donald, there are no i’s in Donald Trump.” I
mean,
it was unbelievable. So, I told him, I said, “I always sign my full
name. There’s an I in my middle name.” And this guy’s all like,
“you’re middle name is John.” And I said, “I know that. Who
are you to tell me what is my middle name. I happen to spell it
J-O-I-H-N. It’s a very old German spelling.” So, ultimately, I
graduated and went on to the Wharton School of Business and things
worked out very well for me.
2.
Donald hired someone to take
the SATs for him.
DJT:
I happened to do very well on my SATs, that I can tell you. My
scores were like, they were tremendous. Did you notice how I said I
did well, instead of I did good? People with low SATs scores, they
say I did good. And I did do good. I happened to do very good, I hate
to tell you. I mean, look, someone could have taken the SATs under my
name. I’m not saying it didn’t happen. They don’t require a
photo ID to take the SATs, which I happen to think is
a very not right way to do things.
So anyone could have walked in and said I’m Donald Trump. It’s a
very early form of identity theft, I hate to tell you. Probably,
some guy who wanted to get in a good school, he took the SATs under
my name. Because
as you know, all the best schools wanted Trump. But then, he probably
realized there can’t be two Donald Trumps. I mean, now there are
three, but back then there was only one. So this guy, who was
probably some fat unpopular kid, wanted to be me and quite honestly,
who can blame him. But he realizes there can’t be two Donald
Trumps. So, he takes some Wite Out, no,
they take the SATs with pencils, don’t they? Right, Number 2
pencils, like I said. So pencils have erasers and he erases my name
and writes in his own name.
Now
all these years later, I’m the president and somebody’s all like,
“That’s not the Donald Trump who took the SATs.” But
if they dig
a little deeper they’ll find… did you know one of the Monkees
invented Wite Out, by the way? It’s true. A lot of people don’t
know that. It’s a great invention, but it’s pretty useless now
with computers and iPhones. And when you look at what happened to the
Monkees, it’s pretty sad really. Half of them are dead. And half of
the Beatles are dead. If they were smart, half of the Monkees and
half of the Beatles would get together and form a group. They could
play the casinos and all that. And they could make some decent money.
In business, you always have to be thinking of the next thing if you
want to stay ahead. I don’t know how much money is left from Wite
Out, but if Paul McCartney thinks he’s going to live off that… He
doesn’t have a good head for business, Paul McCartney. I mean, the
Wite Out thing was great and all, but he let Michael
Jackson outbid him for the Monkees
catalog. I mean, this guy, is a total disaster when it comes to
business. But you know, it’s good because I really don’t care for
British people to be quite honest with you.
3.
Fred Trump, Jr., brother of
Donald and father of Mary, was hospitalized in 1981. The family was
told Fred was dying and probably wouldn’t make it through the
night. While his parents sat by the phone, waiting for news of their
dying son, Donald went to the movies.
DJT: My brother, Fred, was a terrific
guy. A great guy, really. But, I hate to say it and I know it may
sound cold, but when someone dies, they cease to exist. So the moment
the doctors said Fred’s dying, I thought to myself, “Well, that’s
it. Fred’s over. I’ve got to get on with my life.” And I
thought about how I can best honor Fred’s memory. And you know,
Fred loved movies. When he got sick, he moved back in with my
parents, who went to a lot of trouble to make him very, very
comfortable, I might add. They set him up with a terrific cot
in the attic and give him a terrific black and white TV. And
Fred would watch movies on that TV for hours. And you know, since
Mary’s book came out a lot of people have been saying some nasty
things about my parents, who happened to be very good people. They’re
all like, “Oh, but Mr. President, your parents were worth
hundreds of millions of
dollars. How could they stick your brother in the attic?” And I
hate to say it, but Fred wasn’t worth shit. He accomplished very
little in his life. So you know, beggars can’t be choosers as they
say.
And you have to remember, this was
1981. Very few people had VCRs and even if they did, the movie rental
business hadn’t taken off yet. So if you missed a movie when it was
playing in the theaters you might have to wait years before it was on
TV. And then, if it was an
R-rated movie, all the good
parts were cut out and there were commercials. So you really didn’t
get the full experience. Anyway, there was a movie opening that I was
really interested in seeing and it’s since become one of the great
classic films of all time. It was a movie called Porky’s.
It was perhaps the first great
teen sex comedy. It started the whole genre. I mean, you wouldn’t
have movies like American
Pie if it hadn’t been for
Porky’s.
So I decided the best way to honor Fred would be to see Porky’s.
And it happened to be a very good thing I did. You know, I was
sitting there, watching this movie and all of the sudden this
beautiful phrase came to me - “Locker
Room
Talk.”
And I thought to myself, “What a brilliant, perfect phrase. Locker
Room
Talk.”
So in certain respects I wouldn’t be where I am today if I hadn’t
seen Porky’s.
4.
Donald Trump once ogled his
niece and said, “Holy shit, Mary. You’re stacked.”
DJT: So
what? It was just locker room talk, okay. And I know some people
might say I shouldn’t say such things to my niece and perhaps
I shouldn’t. But then again,
you know, my brother Fred is dead. So, it’s not like she’s even
really still my niece if you think about it. I
mean, think about it. If I don’t have a brother, how can I have a
niece? And really, she should be flattered that I even took the time
to notice her quite frankly. Because she’s really not an attractive
woman. I was only being nice to her because in certain respects she’s
still family, but in other respects, not so much.
5.
Mary Trump believes Donald
probably admires Derek Chauvin, the cop who murdered George Floyd.
She writes, “I can only imagine that Donald wishes it had been his
knee on Floyd’s neck.”
DJT: Well, sure, I don’t not agree
with that. I mean, is there anything wrong with that? With believing
in law and order? I don’t think so. Look, I don’t know what
George Floyd was into, but he clearly was associated with many gangs
or we wouldn’t have so many riots happening. So, you know, I’m
sorry he died, but this thug had to be taken off the streets. So had
it been me, I would have done the same thing probably.
And Mary’s trying to put a bad spin
on that. Such a nasty woman, that one. And you know, I hardly know
her. I haven’t seen her in what - ten years, probably? I think, I’m
pretty sure the last time I saw her, we were having a birthday dinner
for my sisters at the White House. So yeah, that was about ten years
ago. But really, I don’t have anything to say to her. But if I were
to say something to her… You know, the Beatles wrote a great song.
Remember the Beatles? They were a great band. Love the Beatles. The
Beatles wrote a song and the lyrics were something like, “Mary,
Mary, why you buggin’?” Ivanka
used to play it all the time. So
if I were to talk to her, which I won’t, but if I were, that’s
would I would say to her. I
would say, “Mary, Mary, why you buggin’ Trump?”
Namaste,
Bitches
