Friday, April 27, 2018

A Different World

Most people were shocked by the Bill Cosby verdict. Because they had no idea the second trial was over. Or that it had started. Or that it was the second trial. Or that the first trial had ended in a hung jury. Or that the first trial had happened. In a pre-Trump America the Bill Cosby trial would have received non-stop coverage on all the news networks. All day. Every day. However, the constant absurdities of the sexual predator in the Oval Office spared Cosby a lot of the embarrassment he so richly deserves.

Regardless, the verdict came in and Cosby was found guilty on all three counts. This received non-stop coverage for two whole hours before coverage of the latest Trump absurdity resumed. And for two whole hours I couldn't get the Fat Albert theme song out of my head. Please indulge me for a moment.

You'll have some fun now
With me and all the gang
Learning from each other
While we do our thing

Na, na, na
Gonna have a good time

Due to the minimal amount of coverage the Cosby trial has received, I feel it is my duty as a blogger with nothing better to do to provide you with in depth analysis of the Cosby case.

In the beginning Cosby was a successful comedian. He did Picture Pages on Captain Kangaroo. He was on The Electric Company. Then he created Fat Albert. He cultivated an image as a funny, family friendly, educational type guy. On Celebrity Apprentice this would be called “tremendous branding.”

In the eighties he starred on The Cosby Show and pimped Jello Pudding Pops in his spare time. The Cosby Show was a huge hit which NBC desperately needed as it was the third place network at a time when there were only three networks. Must See TV was born and Cosby was given credit for creating a show that portrayed the first well-to-do African American family. This pissed off the actress who played Weezy on The Jeffersons. The Jeffersons had moved on up a decade prior to Cosby and received no credit for doing so according to Weezy. Weezy would go on to piss off my grandma when a five-year-old Donna Troy told grandma she looked like Weezy Jefferson. 

Cosby became known as “America's Dad” and he took the honorary title a little too seriously. Lisa Bonet wasn't having his shit as she was an adult who already had a father. Against Cosby's wishes she did a nude scene in a movie. As with most rapists, Cosby has a burning fiery hatred for women he can't control and promptly fired Lisa Bonet for having a mind of her own.

Cosby's pathological need for control didn't stop with women. He also fired the actor who played Cockroach for refusing to get a haircut meeting the Cosby standard of personal grooming. 

There were other obvious signs Cosby wasn't fit to be dad for all of America. For example, during a Today show interview he stated Malcolm Jamal-Warner was his favorite of all his fake children. Every fake parent knows you are supposed to love all your fake children the same. Choosing a favorite fake child is simply bad fake parenting.

Behind the scenes Cosby was harboring a dark secret going all the way back to his Captain Kangaroo days. Despite having a wife, five children and a demanding career, Cosby still found time to satisfy his other interests. Those interests included education, tennis and rape.

In Cosby's esteemed position as “America's Dad” he felt it his duty to mentor young beautiful women who wanted to break into show business. He did not feel it was his duty to mentor young beautiful men who wanted to break into show business. (Note to young women: Should you meet an older man who mentors women and only women, you are about to join a cult or be raped. Quite possibly, both. Avoid men like this at all costs. Run away screaming if you must.) Once Cosby had the young hopeful actress under the guise of his mentor-ship he would then drug and rape her.

Some people have questioned why these ladies didn't go to the police thirty years ago. Many of them did and the police responded to them like so, “Look, bitch, I may shoot an unarmed black teenager for selling loose cigarettes, but I'm not about to be the guy who arrests Bill Cosby. Some lines you just don't cross. Honey, you were probably in awe of Cosby's fame and got swept up in the moment. The next morning you woke up regretting slutting it up for Dr. Huxtable. Now you're imagining things. It happens all the time. You have no idea how many women come in here with the same story. It's best to just put this whole incident behind you.”

Long after The Cosby Show ended, Bill Cosby continued to play the role of “America's Dad” while still finding time for tennis and rape. And he took this honorary title even more seriously than before. He seemed to be troubled that all African Americans aren't Huxtables. Tennis and rape were no longer enough to satisfy his rage. 

He gave what is now known as the infamous “Pound Cake Speech.” Here is an excerpt:

Looking at the incarcerated, these are not political criminals. These are people going around stealing Coca-Cola. People getting shot in the back of the head over a piece of pound cake! And then we all run out and are outraged, 'The cops shouldn't have shot him.' What the hell was he doing with the pound cake in his hand?

We are not Africans. Those people are not Africans; they don’t know a damned thing about Africa. With names like Shaniqua, Shaligua, Mohammed and all that crap and all of them are in jail.

This did not go over well. Racists cops who shoot black kids for selling loose cigarettes were quite pleased with the speech. But everyone else was beginning to think George Jefferson may be a better role model. And a better dancer.

Then one day a comedian by the name of Hannibal Burress had enough of Cosby's shit. He called Cosby out in his act.

“He gets on TV, ‘Pull your pants up black people, I was on TV in the ‘80s! I can talk down to you because I had a successful sitcom!’ Yeah, but you rape women, Bill Cosby, so turn the crazy down a couple notches.”

An audience member recorded the act on his/her phone, posted it on the Internet and it went viral. The Cosby rape allegations had been public knowledge for years, but had largely been ignored. Suddenly, all of America was like, “Hold up. A relatively unknown comic says Bill Cosby is a rapist. I guess these women have been telling the truth after all.” America, that's fucked up.

Thanks to this relatively unknown comic fifty-two women came forward with shockingly similar stories of being drugged and raped by Bill Cosby. With public opinion turning against Cosby police were no longer able to shield him. This was disappointing to police who had reaped the benefits of “America's Dad” defending them when they shoot unarmed black teenagers for selling loose cigarettes.

Cosby was not without his defenders. People did some impressive mental gymnastics trying to prove this was a conspiracy to prevent Bill Cosby from buying NBC. I addressed this in a previous blog titled Access Hollywood - Special Victims Unit. Chuck D was distressed networks had stopped airing reruns of The Cosby Show. He argued Phil Spector songs still play despite Phil Spector being convicted of murder. Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Chuck D.

Dear Chuck D,

What's up, Chuck?

Phil Spector is a producer. Most people aren't familiar with the producers of their favorite songs. If I knew what songs Phil Spector produced I wouldn't want to listen to them because I would be thinking about murder, rendering me unable to enjoy the music. If you would be so kind as to provide a list of Phil Spector produced songs I will gladly remove them from my play list.

Also, Phil Spector is currently serving a prison sentence for murder. I'm unclear as to why you seem to believe he got away with something when he clearly did not.

I look forward to your reply.

Best Wishes,
Donna Troy

The statute of limitations had not expired for a woman named Andrea Constand. She tried to press charges a decade before, but was met with the “slutting it up for Dr. Huxtable” argument by the district attorney. Unable to pursue criminal justice she filed a civil suit against Dr. Huxtable. However, thanks to the heroic joke telling of the relatively unknown comic, Ms. Constand was free to pursue criminal charges once again.

The transcript from the civil suit was released. Cosby openly admitted to procuring Quaaludes to give to women with whom he wanted to make love/rape. Do not fear for “America's Dad” wasn't buying drugs off the streets. He got a prescription from his gynecologist, presumably when he went in for his pap smear.

Despite the Quaalude admission Cosby was adamant he only gave Ms. Constand a couple of Benadryl tablets before engaging in consensual carnal relations. Because that makes sense. Every woman has experienced the moment when a date is becoming intimate and the man leans over and says, with a wink and a nod, “Hey baby, why don't you take a Benadryl and see where the night leads?”

Did I mention Andrea Constand is gay? Because that seems important.

Prior to being criminally charged in this matter, Bill Cosby was quite active. He had a comedy tour booked, a special about to be released on Netflix and a production deal with NBC. After being criminally charged, Bill Cosby quite suddenly went blind, became feeble and unable to walk without assistance. Most people weren't falling for this sick old man routine, with the exception of the judge. I guess he's the only person who wasn't aware of the defendant's Emmy award winning acting talent. After being found guilty on three counts of felony indecent aggravated assault most people would then be sent directly to jail without passing Go or collecting $200. Citing Cosby's age and failing health the judge sent him directly to his multi-million dollar home.

The district attorney argued the judge should revoke Cosby's bail. He believes Cosby is a flight risk due to his wealth and ownership of a private plane. Cosby somehow overcame all his health problems, jumped out of his seat and shouted. “He doesn't have a plane, you asshole! I'm sick of him!” Who doesn't have a plane and who he is sick of wasn't immediately clear. 

Upon leaving the courtroom Cosby's blindness seemed to clear up as he no longer needed his cane and walked rather quickly without missing a step.

Cosby's legal troubles are far from over. As the host of Picture Pages, Bill Cosby would end each segment telling his young viewers to order their very own Picture Pages workbook. My mom decided to order the book for my sister. She sent a check to the PO Box listed on the screen. The book never arrived and my sister never got the chance to do Picture Pages along with Bill Cosby and Mortimer Ichabod Marker. Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Gloria Allred.

Dear Ms. Allred,

I hope you will consider representing my mother in this matter. We are seeking a return of $7.99, plus shipping and handling.

Kind Regards,
Donna Troy

Namaste, Bitches


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