Thursday, May 3, 2018

The Coldest Story Ever Told

My company had a big layoff this week. I don't understand how this happened when “the greatest jobs president God ever created” is in the White House. I spent Monday helping all my friends pack up their desks and carry their belongings to their cars. I spent Tuesday nursing a migraine while trying to figure out how to do all the work my friends used to do. And also do all the work I already do.  When I arrived at work Wednesday morning a co-worker came up to me with a serious look on her face. I thought to myself, “Oh shit. What now?” Then she said to me, “Please write a blog about Kanye West.” This is the only thing I've been asked to do at work that didn't piss me off.

So apparently, I take requests now. If you have someone you'd like to see verbally abused by Donna Troy, please submit your requests via the Contact section on this page. Verbal abuse is free. Requests for physical abuse require a PayPal account.

Also, feel free to submit any job leads you might know of through the Contact section as well. Because, you know, all my friends are unemployed. And this layoff came exactly four days after my birthday. Several of my now unemployed friends bought me gift cards last week. When they were employed. I feel like the right thing to do would be to give them back. But I can't because I literally spent them the minute I got them. So if I could help my friends find jobs I'd feel a lot better about that.

Now please excuse me while the rest of this blog is an open letter to Kanye West.

Dear Kanye,

In an effort to “keep it real” I'm going to tell you up front I don't like you. To quote former President Obama, “You're an ass.” I'll admit I like some of your songs, but I have no problem taking you off of my playlist. I've already removed many a sexual predator from my Netflix playlist. I have nothing left to watch, but Mister Rogers. Sure, I'd rather be watching House of Cards, but Kevin Spacey is a creepy asshole. So now I spend my evenings learning how crayons are made and shit. I am beginning to question why I'm paying for Netflix when I can watch reruns of Mister Rogers for free on my local PBS station.

To be honest or “keep it real” I don't actually know how to remove you from my iPhone playlist. I just skip your songs like I do with R. Kelly. Remix to Ignition is an awesome song, but R. Kelly is a creepy asshole. So now I listen to Barry Manilow, the Mister Rogers of music. And I don't want to hear R. Kelly sing, sippin' on Coke and rum, I'm like so what I'm drunk,”  because it makes me crave a rum and Coke. And I can't have a rum and Coke because I have an ulcer and I can't drink. And R. Kelly should be in prison not drinking.

Anyway, Kanye, remember the Hurricane Katrina telethon? You went off script on live TV and said, “George Bush doesn't care about black people.” Mike Myers got all awkward and didn't know what to do. Mike Myers became famous doing live TV and you totally threw him off his game. That was fucking hilarious. I mean, it was sad because of all the people who were left dead and homeless, but it was still funny.  

And now this former champion of black people has called President Trump “his brother.” Kanye, I'm going to work under the assumption you are one of the poorly educated people Trump is so very fond of. You see, Kanye, Donald Trump is in the Klan. The Ku Klux Klan is a basket of deplorables who really hate black people. Did all the 'K's confuse you? Did you think the KKK was a Kardashian clothing brand, or one of their reality shows, or whatever the fuck they do?

You can learn more about Trump's association with the Klan here: Dare To Be Stupid

Also, you and Donald Trump do not have “dragon energy.” This is not possible as dragons aren't real. I get the feeling you believe dragons once existed and went extinct with the dinosaurs. You see, Kanye, dragons are mythical creatures. Myths are stories that aren't real. You seem to have a problem separating fact from fantasy. Remember when you said Single Ladies is the greatest video of all time? This is a fantasy. Thriller is the greatest video of all time and you fucking know it. Beyonce dancing around in a leotard is called Flashdance.

Kanye, I'm not certain why you thought TMZ was an appropriate place to discuss slavery. It was an appropriate place to discuss your liposuction and Opiod addiction. But slavery –- no. I must tell you I find your remarks very disturbing. "When you hear about slavery for 400 years. For 400 years?! That sounds like a choice." 

 What the hell kind of Uncle Ruckus bullshit...?

I must also tell you I'm a white woman living in the south when I state the following: Kanye West doesn't care about black people.

Oh, you dumb, poorly educated son of a bitch. Perhaps, you're confusing slavery with volunteering. Let's return to the Hurricane Katrina telethon. Remember all the people at the phone banks taking pledges and what not? Those were volunteers. They worked for free of their own free will. They were free to come and go as they pleased. They were free to take coffee breaks. They were free to live in their own homes. They were free to own homes. Did you notice how many times I used the word free, Kanye? Slavery is the opposite of that. It's not a choice.

I don't know what you think America was like four hundred years ago. Exactly what options do you think slaves had? It's not like Kunta Kinte could just rise up and yell, “Man, fuck this shit. Hey, motherfucker, come take these chains off me. I'm going to work at Wal-Mart.”

The Kunta Kinte reference is from the mini series Roots. It's quite apparent you've never seen it. The Sundance channel airs it all the time. I suggest you watch it. Holy Fuck. I just looked up the cast list. O.J. was in Roots. I must have blocked that out. Or he had a really small part and I just forgot. He probably had a small part. He was a horrible actor. Except for that time he acted like he didn't know how to put on a glove. He did that well. Double Holy Fuck. I just remembered you're wife's father was O.J.'s attorney. Well, now I'm not sure if you should watch Roots or not. It's an excellent series, but I'm afraid this whole O.J. thing may cloud you're judgment. I don't want your next Tweet to be, “I'm not black. I'm Kanye.”

I'd suggest you read the book, but I'm pretty sure you don't read much because you think dragons are real. Oh, I know. Watch Reading Rainbow. LeVar Burton was the host of Reading Rainbow and he played Kunta Kinte. You probably won't learn anything about slavery, but you'll learn something. And you really need to stop running your mouth and fucking learn something.

Speaking of running your mouth, I saw the interview where you said you might be president some day. And you said it all serious and shit. The last I heard you were trying to be Jesus. I'm not sure of the hierarchy, but I'm almost positive president is a step down from Jesus.

Your Trifilin' Friend Indeed,
Donna Troy

Namaste, Bitches


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