Tuesday, May 29, 2018

Natural Born Killers

It's almost summer and you know what that means – less school shootings. I guess there is still the possibility of shootings at year round schools, but summer mass shooters tend to lean more toward concerts, churches and night clubs. Don't let your guard down just because summer is almost here. If Texas and Indiana are any indication, baby killers are desperately trying to get their last shots in before the summer break.

I was recently informed by a gentleman on Twitter that I am a radical liberal. I knew I was a liberal, but was completely unaware my views are radical. Apparently, opposing the mass murder of children is radical. Twitter gentlemen went on to state I was spouting the same tired liberal shit. He implored me to explain my views on what gun control should be and further told me to advocate for enforcing the current laws and mental health. Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Twitter Guy.

Hey Twitter Guy,

No one tells Donna Troy what to do, motherfucker.

Warm Regards,
Donna Troy

I don't respond to gun nuts on Twitter. If the profile pick is a douche bag in a baseball cap holding a gun, I block said douche bag. Because it's creepy and seriously douche bag-y. Although, I was tempted to ask this man what he meant by enforcing mental health. I'm not sure it's something that can be enforced.

On the off chance Twitter Guy is reading my blog, I shall explain my views on gun control for the sole purpose of pissing him off. Even though I was perfectly clear about it in the blog he read citing my views as “radical.”

Donna Troy is in favor of anything which prevents mass shootings. Or single shootings for that matter. Shooting bad, Twitter Guy. I'm in favor of banning bump stocks, raising the age limit to buy guns, background checks and even repealing the Second Fucking Amendment. I don't give a shit about your Second Amendment rights. And the reason I don't is because you only care about your Second Amendment rights. Like to the point where it's disturbingly creepy.

Despite being a completely unapologetic bitch, I don't receive a lot of negative feedback on Twitter. I occasionally receive angry responses from Trump supporters, but those are few and far between. (Most likely due to illiteracy.) Only Tweets promoting gun control ignite a firestorm of Twitter fury. I have mixed feelings about this as it alarms me, yet totally proves my point. The quick tempers and lack of self control confirms these people should not be allowed to hoard guns. However, they can and do hoard guns and they're crazy pissed at me. I take solace in knowing they aren't very bright and don't know my real name. Just try and find me, Gun Enthusiasts of Twitter. Ha! You'll never enforce mental health upon Donna Troy.

And fuck you for scapegoating the mentally ill, Twitter Guy.  It takes a special kind of asshole to use people suffering from an incurable illness for his own selfish purposes. The more I think about it, your lack of empathy for murdered children and the mentally ill indicates you may be suffering from psychopathic tendencies. I may have to report you to whoever enforces mental health.

Also, Twitter Guy, calm the fuck down. Not that I don't enjoy knowing my blog panics you to the point of an incoherent Twitter rant. But you need to understand the difference between a satirical blog and a bill before Congress. I have no power to enforce laws or mental health. I only have the power to write an entire blog post making fun of you. But I'm done with you for now as there are others deserving of my wrath.

I shall now aim my wrath upon Texas Lt. Governor Dan Patrick. His response to the Santa Fe shooting is to limit all schools to one entrance. Apparently, this stupid motherfucker never saw Lean On Me. Morgan Freeman locked all the entrances to the school to keep drug dealing gangsters out and was arrested for creating a fire hazard. In the movie. In real life Morgan Freeman may soon be arrested for being as pervy as Bill Cosby. What the fuck is up with the cast of The Electric Company? I mean, even the theme song is creepy now. “We're gonna turn it on...”

Creepy stars of educational children's programming aside, I'm sorry, Lt. Governor, you can't block off all the entrances to the school. Lean On Me is based on a true story, so what you are suggesting is illegal based on my knowledge of eighties movies. It's also stupid based on my knowledge of knowing shit.

The NRA has chosen Oliver North as their new president. If you're too young to remember the eighties you may not be familiar with North. I was a child in the eighties so I remember him as the guy from the congressional hearing that was always pre-empting my favorite shows. I didn't understand the Iran-Contra Affair. I just wanted to watch ALF. Anyway, now I'm older and I understand the Iran-Contra Affair and ALF isn't anywhere near as funny as I remember it.

Ollie was convicted for his involvement in the illegal sale of weapons to Iran. Ronald Reagan totally knew about it, but no criminal charges were brought against him because no one enforced his mental health. Ronnie was all like, “I have Alzheimer's. I may have approved illegal activity, but who can remember?” 

I can't help but notice the more Ollie ages the more he resembles George W. Bush. I'm not saying Ollie is the bastard child of George H. W. Bush, but I'm sure there's a bastard in there somewhere.

Anyway, North is very comfortable in his new role and has wasted no time releasing deplorable statements. Statements such as this one referring to the Parkland students: “They’re not activists—this is civil terrorism. This is the kind of thing that’s never been seen against a civil rights organization in America. You go back to the terrible days of Jim Crow and those kinds of things—even there you didn’t have this kind of thing.”

Hey, Ollie. Did you know an African American teenager was shot in his own backyard because cops thought his cell phone was a gun? Because, I guess, they think black people talk to their guns. You see, Ollie, the Second Amendment doesn't apply equally to black and white people. You could almost say it's kind of a Jim Crow law.

Charlton Heston was once the president of the NRA. Heston promoted “white pride” and said some shit about prying his gun from his cold dead hands. No one enforced Heston's mental health. He was an alcoholic which is a contributing risk factor to brain damage and dementia. This eventually became the cause of his cold dead hands. I don't know what became of his gun, but I like to imagine someone shoved it up his cold dead ass.

Charlton Heston starred in Planet of The Apes. (For Millennials, the Mark Wahlburg version was a remake.) This brings us to Roseanne. Her show has been canceled because she tweeted the following about Valerie Jarrett, an African American adviser to Barack Obama:

“Muslim Brotherhood & Planet of the Apes had a baby=vj”

In March, she tweeted a conspiracy theory falsely claiming David Hogg, a survivor of the Parkland shooting, gave a Nazi salute at the March For Our Lives rally. Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Roseanne.

Dear Roseanne,

Your tweet about Valerie Jarrett was a Nazi salute. It seems you're gunning for membership in the Ku Klux Klan. There is no gentle way to break this to you. You're Jewish. This precludes you from membership in the Klan. You destroyed your career for nothing. America is done with you. Please return to the trailer park from whence you came.

Best of luck in all your future endeavors.

Donna Troy

Following the Santa Fe shooting, NRA spokespeople blamed the mass murder on some truly laughable causes, such as: atheists, criticizing masculinity as toxic and junk food. I shall address these fears now.

Sorry, Christian Gun Enthusiasts, atheists aren't to blame. The Bible states very clearly, “Thou Shalt Not Kill.” It's one of the Ten Commandments, which is also a movie starring Charlton Heston. Somehow you justify owning a weapon which serves only one purpose – killing - as some kind of divine right. Also, I talked to God on Twitter and he said to leave him out of it.

There is a difference between masculinity and toxic masculinity. You can learn about toxic masculinity through the courtesy of The Electric Company...

The Frito-Lay Company is not liable for any mood swings experienced after consuming their delicious corn chips. Should you find yourself overwhelmed with homicidal urges after snacking, they suggest you try enforcing your mental health.

Namaste, Bitches


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