It's
almost summer and you know what that means – less school shootings. I guess
there is still the possibility of shootings at year round schools, but summer
mass shooters tend to lean more toward concerts, churches and night clubs.
Don't let your guard down just because summer is almost here. If Texas and
Indiana are any indication, baby killers are desperately trying to get their
last shots in before the summer break.
I
was recently informed by a gentleman on Twitter that I am a radical liberal. I
knew I was a liberal, but was completely unaware my views are radical.
Apparently, opposing the mass murder of children is radical. Twitter gentlemen
went on to state I was spouting the same tired liberal shit. He implored me to
explain my views on what gun control should be and further told me to advocate
for enforcing the current laws and mental health. Please excuse me while I
write an open letter to Twitter Guy.
Hey
Twitter Guy,
No
one tells Donna Troy what to do, motherfucker.
Warm
Regards,
Donna
Troy
I
don't respond to gun nuts on Twitter. If the profile pick is a douche bag in a
baseball cap holding a gun, I block said douche bag. Because it's creepy and
seriously douche bag-y. Although, I was tempted to ask this man what he meant
by enforcing mental health. I'm not sure it's something that can be enforced.
On
the off chance Twitter Guy is reading my blog, I shall explain my views on gun
control for the sole purpose of pissing him off. Even though I was perfectly
clear about it in the blog he read citing my views as “radical.”
Donna
Troy is in favor of anything which prevents mass shootings. Or single shootings
for that matter. Shooting bad, Twitter Guy. I'm in favor of banning bump
stocks, raising the age limit to buy guns, background checks and even repealing
the Second Fucking Amendment. I don't give a shit about your Second Amendment
rights. And the reason I don't is because you only care about
your Second Amendment rights. Like to the point where it's disturbingly creepy.
Despite
being a completely unapologetic bitch, I don't receive a lot of negative
feedback on Twitter. I occasionally receive angry responses from Trump
supporters, but those are few and far between. (Most likely due to
illiteracy.) Only Tweets promoting gun control ignite a firestorm of
Twitter fury. I have mixed feelings about this as it alarms me, yet totally
proves my point. The quick tempers and lack of self control confirms these
people should not be allowed to hoard guns. However, they can and do hoard guns
and they're crazy pissed at me. I take solace in knowing they aren't very
bright and don't know my real name. Just try and find me, Gun Enthusiasts of
Twitter. Ha! You'll never enforce mental health upon Donna Troy.
And
fuck you for scapegoating the mentally ill, Twitter Guy. It takes a special kind of asshole to use
people suffering from an incurable illness for his own selfish purposes. The
more I think about it, your lack of empathy for murdered children and the
mentally ill indicates you may be suffering from psychopathic tendencies. I may
have to report you to whoever enforces mental health.
Also,
Twitter Guy, calm the fuck down. Not that I don't enjoy knowing my blog panics
you to the point of an incoherent Twitter rant. But you need to understand the
difference between a satirical blog and a bill before Congress. I have no power
to enforce laws or mental health. I only have the power to write an entire blog
post making fun of you. But I'm done with you for now as there are others
deserving of my wrath.
I
shall now aim my wrath upon Texas Lt. Governor Dan Patrick. His response to the
Santa Fe shooting is to limit all schools to one entrance. Apparently, this
stupid motherfucker never saw Lean On Me. Morgan Freeman locked all the
entrances to the school to keep drug dealing gangsters out and was arrested for
creating a fire hazard. In the movie. In real life Morgan Freeman may soon be
arrested for being as pervy as Bill Cosby. What the fuck is up with the cast of
The Electric Company? I mean, even the theme song is creepy now. “We're
gonna turn it on...”
Creepy
stars of educational children's programming aside, I'm sorry, Lt. Governor, you
can't block off all the entrances to the school. Lean On Me is based on
a true story, so what you are suggesting is illegal based on my knowledge of
eighties movies. It's also stupid based on my knowledge of knowing shit.
The
NRA has chosen Oliver North as their new president. If you're too young to
remember the eighties you may not be familiar with North. I was a child in the
eighties so I remember him as the guy from the congressional hearing that was
always pre-empting my favorite shows. I didn't understand the Iran-Contra
Affair. I just wanted to watch ALF. Anyway, now I'm older and I understand the
Iran-Contra Affair and ALF isn't anywhere near as funny as I remember it.
Ollie
was convicted for his involvement in the illegal sale of weapons to Iran.
Ronald Reagan totally knew about it, but no criminal charges were brought
against him because no one enforced his mental health. Ronnie was all like, “I
have Alzheimer's. I may have approved illegal activity, but who can remember?”
I
can't help but notice the more Ollie ages the more he resembles George W. Bush.
I'm not saying Ollie is the bastard child of George H. W. Bush, but I'm sure
there's a bastard in there somewhere.
Anyway,
North is very comfortable in his new role and has wasted no time releasing
deplorable statements. Statements such as this one referring to the Parkland
students: “They’re not activists—this is civil terrorism. This is the kind
of thing that’s never been seen against a civil rights organization in America.
You go back to the terrible days of Jim Crow and those kinds of things—even
there you didn’t have this kind of thing.”
Hey,
Ollie. Did you know an African American teenager was shot in his own backyard
because cops thought his cell phone was a gun? Because, I guess, they think
black people talk to their guns. You see, Ollie, the Second Amendment doesn't
apply equally to black and white people. You could almost say it's kind of a
Jim Crow law.
Charlton
Heston was once the president of the NRA. Heston promoted “white pride” and
said some shit about prying his gun from his cold dead hands. No one enforced
Heston's mental health. He was an alcoholic which is a contributing risk factor
to brain damage and dementia. This eventually became the cause of his cold dead
hands. I don't know what became of his gun, but I like to imagine someone
shoved it up his cold dead ass.
Charlton
Heston starred in Planet of The Apes. (For Millennials, the Mark Wahlburg
version was a remake.) This brings us to Roseanne. Her show has been
canceled because she tweeted the following about Valerie Jarrett, an African
American adviser to Barack Obama:
“Muslim
Brotherhood & Planet of the Apes had a baby=vj”
In
March, she tweeted a conspiracy theory falsely claiming David Hogg, a survivor
of the Parkland shooting, gave a Nazi salute at the March For Our Lives rally. Please
excuse me while I write an open letter to Roseanne.
Dear
Roseanne,
Your
tweet about Valerie Jarrett was a Nazi salute. It seems you're gunning for
membership in the Ku Klux Klan. There is no gentle way to break this to you.
You're Jewish. This precludes you from membership in the Klan. You destroyed
your career for nothing. America is done with you. Please return to the trailer
park from whence you came.
Best
of luck in all your future endeavors.
Sincerely,
Donna
Troy
Following
the Santa Fe shooting, NRA spokespeople blamed the mass murder on some truly
laughable causes, such as: atheists, criticizing masculinity as toxic and junk
food. I shall address these fears now.
Sorry,
Christian Gun Enthusiasts, atheists aren't to blame. The Bible states very
clearly, “Thou Shalt Not Kill.” It's one of the Ten Commandments, which
is also a movie starring Charlton Heston. Somehow you justify owning a weapon
which serves only one purpose – killing - as some kind of divine right. Also, I talked to God on Twitter and he
said to leave him out of it.
There
is a difference between masculinity and toxic masculinity. You can learn about
toxic masculinity through the courtesy of The Electric Company...
The
Frito-Lay Company is not liable for any mood swings experienced after consuming
their delicious corn chips. Should you find yourself overwhelmed with homicidal
urges after snacking, they suggest you try enforcing your mental health.
Namaste,
Bitches
