Monday, January 9, 2017

Doctor Do Little

The Shitbag-Elect Donald Trump made many bullshit promises in his campaign to become the Shitbag-Elect.  Now that Trump has become the Shitbag-Elect republicans are trying to fulfill said bullshit promises.  Because republicans are so in tune with the people, they have chosen to start with a plan to repeal and replace Obamacare.  A strong majority of twenty-six percent of the population has stated clearly they want Obamacare repealed.  You may be saying, "But, Donna, twenty-six percent is not a majority."  To that I say, "Stop talking to your computer.  I can't hear you.  And also, no shit.  I can do the math. Facts and figures don't matter in Donald Trump's America.  If they did, Donald Trump wouldn't be the Shitbag-Elect."

***Note:  I refuse to refer to Donald Trump as president.  I will be trying out different titles for the next four years or until Trump is impeached and burned at the stake for being a witch.  Obama-hating, Trump-loving douche bags have been quick to claim it's hypocritical of us not to accept Trump because we didn't like it when they didn't accept Obama.  I could take the time to explain to these douche bags all the ways Trump and Obama are different, but it's pointless. Because they're douche bags.  Instead I say, "Hey douche bags, if you don't like it when others behave like you, maybe you should stop being douche bags."

Anyway, with the election of Shitbag Trump, republicans practically pissed their pants at the idea of repealing and replacing Obamacare.  Some of the older congressmen actually pissed their pants, which is a condition for which they should seek medical attention.  But they won't be able to.  Because in their pissing excitement to repeal Obamacare they completely forgot to replace it. 

If you are one of the twenty million Americans who have health insurance for the first time because of Obamacare, don't despair.  The plan is to repeal Obamacare right away and in two years it will be replaced with... something.  According to Paul Ryan they have "plenty of ideas to replace it."  We should all be vaguely comforted by his vaguely comforting words.

Using my superior investigative reporting talents or my imagination, I've learned there actually is a vaguely comforting healthcare plan in the works.  In his spare time between his self-congratulatory tour of America and treasonous tweets, Shitbag Trump has put together a healthcare bill.  Or what he thinks a healthcare bill looks like.  Through my super special top secret connections I've obtained an advance copy of the bill, which I will share with you now.

The Trump Healthcare Plan and Wealth Management Bill of 2019

First, just so know, folks, I didn't want to wait until 2019 to unveil my health plan.  I said to my advisors, I said, "Look, why are we wasting time?  This is a very, very pro-health plan.  I don't even know if I'm going to want to run for re-election in 2018.  I mean, maybe there's a chance I will, but probably, I won't."  Then one of my very top advisors, Scott Baio, said to me, "Mr. Trump, you have to serve a four year term."  I said to him, I said, "Four years.  Get out of here with four years.  I'll get it done in two.  The same way I build my hotels, under budget and ahead of schedule."  I only gave Scott Baio a position in my administration because he said nice things about me and quite frankly, he needed the work.  But if he's going to start making huge demands of my time, he can go.  I hate to say it, but, Chachi, you're fired.  ("You're fired" is a registered trademark of the Trump Organization.)

I don't know why it has to take two years to repeal Obamacare, which as we all know, is a total disaster.  My advisors were all like, "But, Mr. Trump, if you repeal it right away twenty million people won't have health insurance."  So what?  They didn't have health insurance before Obamacare and it didn't kill them.  Those people will be much, much happier under the Trump Healthcare and Wealth Management Plan.  Believe me.

Unlike Obamacare, which costs billions and billions of taxpayer dollars, Trump Health won't cost a cent.  Not one cent.  My bill is easy to understand.  It has five key points and that's it.  That's it, folks.  Five key points to keep Americans healthy.  Obamacare is thousands and thousands of pages long.  I looked at that and I'm like thousands of pages.  Who has time to read thousands of pages?  No one.  That's why I, Donald J. Trump, am calling for a complete recall of Obamacare.  Beginning immediately, all natural born citizens of America will be covered under the Trump Healthcare and Wealth Management Plan.  Immigrants and illegals, which, in my mind, are really the same thing, will not be covered under my plan.  I mean, they shouldn't be here anyway and I would have built the wall already if Chachi hadn't been wasting my time.

Each American will follow these five very, very important steps to stay healthy, wealthy and wise.  Also, I, Donald J. Trump, have trademarked the phrase, "healthy, wealthy and wise."  No one can use that phrase without paying me for the rights.  This is why I'm one of the great businessmen, maybe even the greatest.  No one had thought to trademark "healthy, wealthy and wise."  It was just sitting there in public domain losing money. 

1.)  Stay healthy.  In other words, don't get sick.  People are wasting billions and billions of dollars on doctors and health insurance when they shouldn't even be getting sick in the first place.  I have never been sick a day in my life, except for the heel spur or hangnail or whatever that serious illness was that got me out of the draft.  Sickness is a sign of weakness.  You think Hillary Clinton lost the election because of Russia?  Wrong!  It was the pneumonia.  Everything trickles down from the top, folks.  If our leader is sick then our people get sick.  It's called contagious.  Trump is the only one who can keep you healthy.  Now, if you are already sick, stop it or die.  Those are your only options, folks.  Be healthy or be dead. 

2.)  Be wealthy.  Most people who die from serious illnesses are poor.  I'll let you in on a little secret, folks.  There are no incurable diseases.  You only need the money to pay for the cure.  I know some people are saying, "But, Mr. Trump, I can't afford a Christmas ham and Tiny Tim needs an operation."  Sad!  There is absolutely no reason to not have money.  None.  So, Tiny Tim needs an operation.  What do you do?  You go to a bank and get a loan for five, ten million dollars or whatever an operation costs.  And here's the part most people don't know, you don't have to pay back the loan.  Sometime, probably six months, a year after you get the loan, the bank will come to you and say, "You haven't made a single payment on this loan and the interest is accruing."  And you say to them, you say, "How do you expect me to pay that?  We didn't make any money on this Tiny Tim deal."  And the bank will say, "That's not our problem."  And you'll say, "Come on.  You assumed the risk when you agreed to this deal.  Look, you lost some money.  I lost some money.  It's the cost of doing business.  But hey, you get to advertise Trump as an investor in your bank.  If you look at it that way, you're coming out of this way better than I am."  They'll say, "What?"  Then you give them an autographed copy of your book and leave.  The next time you need money you get a loan from a different bank and do the same thing.  There is plenty of money to go around, folks. 

3.)  Be wise.  A wise man once said, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."  And that wise man was Dr. Ben Carson.  I couldn't believe it.  Could not believe it, folks.  We were just sitting around Trump Tower going over my healthcare plan and he blurts this out.  I said to him, I said, "Ben, why would you tell me that?  You're a doctor.  This will put you out of business."  And he said to me, "Donald, when the Egyptians were storing grain in the pyramids for Joseph and his amazing Technicolor dream coat..."  And I said, "Ben, who cares?  People are dying by the hundreds and thousands because they can't see a doctor and you mean to tell me an apple will fix that?"  And he said, "I didn't mean that in a literal sense."  Give me a break, Dr. Ben.  Obviously, he was trying to flip flop because he slipped up and told me a secret that would put him and all his little doctor friends out of business.

Now, I don't care for fruit.  Never have.  You don't know what's in it or where it comes from or who touched it before it got to you.  It's disgusting.  I eat fast food only because you know what it is.  You get a Big Mac in New York.  You get a Big Mac in China.  It's the same.  Absolutely the same.  And you know what's in it.  Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun.  McDonald's is a trusted food organization.  Am I right or am I right?  We need to eat apples, but apples are gross.  What do you do?  You go to McDonald's and you order an apple pie. It's delicious and it comes in a little cardboard sleeve so you don't burn your fingers.  The last time I went into a McDonald's and ordered an apple pie it cost somewheres around fifteen cents.  Can you believe it, folks?  For fifteen cents a day you never have to see a doctor.  And all that money was spent on Obamacare because Barack Obama was born in Kenya and, really, I think it's Hillary Clinton's fault. 

Unfortunately, folks, the McDonald's apple pie plan for Trump Health has caused some friction with Carl's Junior.  Carl's Junior was all like, "You made me the head of the FDA and now you're endorsing a competitor."  And I was all like, "Look, Carl's Junior, I thought I made you the Secretary of Labor."  And he said to me, he said, "I was never really clear on what you wanted me to do and my name isn't Carl's Junior."  And I said to him, "Who cares?  You don't make apple pie.  I hate to say it, but Carl's Junior, you're fired."  ("You're fired" is a registered trademark of the Trump Organization.)

4.)  Perhaps, keep a first aid kit handy. 

5.)  Exercise is a killer, folks.  Believe me.  I am a very against exercise person.  Always have been.  It's true.  And I'm in the best shape of anyone I know.  I know these guys and they get up every morning and they go to the gym and they work out for like an hour or something.  And they're like, "Oh, Trump, you've got to work out with me.  It feels so great."  And then these guys get to be around eighty years old and they just drop dead.  Just like that.  Exercise has never been proven to be a good thing.  I mean, look at Arnold Schwarzenegger.  Goes around calling himself Mr. Universe.  All that working out and for what?  His ratings for the Celebrity Apprentice were a total disaster.  His ratings didn't even come close to Trump's.  My show was the number one show of all time in the history of television.  It's true.  Look it up.  I laid the ground work for Arnold to be a success and he totally blew it.  I hate to say it, but he's a very, very unloyal person. Didn't even thank me in his first show and he voted for Hillary.  Can you believe it?  Former republican governor of California and he sides with Hillary over Trump.  Arnold will go down in history as one of, if not, the worst governor in California's history.  The crooked Hollywood elite has been very unfair to Trump.  I mean Meryl Streep gets a lifetime achievement award and instead of talking about herself for ten minutes, which is what I would have done, she picks on Trump.  Very unfair and biased!  I'm not saying there is something going on between Meryl and Arnold, but perhaps, it's very strange how they've both turned against me and no one is talking about it. 

So, exercise is a complete waste of time, folks.  I mean, my Nielsen numbers were tremendous and Arnold with all his muscles was a complete loser.  Arnold had Boy George on his show and he just died.  If you can't get people to tune in for Boy George's final TV appearance... I mean, come on.  Get this, Scott Baio, who is still here for some reason, is telling me his name is George Michael. Excuse me, excuse me, Scott Baio.  Who cares?  George Michael, Boy George, George Jefferson. What difference does it make what you call him?  He's dead.  All I'm saying is if exercise did any good, then maybe, perhaps, Arnold would have been able to save him.

Namaste, Bitches


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