Saturday, April 22, 2017

The No-Reilly Factor

I hate it when I'm forced to defend Megyn Kelly. Like when Trump said she had blood coming out of her “wherever” because she dared ask him about his abhorrent comments toward women. I had to defend her because she was right and Trump is a douche bag. But it pained me so to do it. Because Megyn Kelly once thought it newsworthy to devote a segment of her program to arguing the case that Santa Claus is Caucasian. Which then caused me and my co-workers to joke about it. Which then prompted The Most Annoying Person on Earth to come running down the hall to defend the merits of Megyn Kelly. The Most Annoying Person on Earth was met with laughter. He didn't take it well.

For the rest of the day I was accosted with emails containing links to Wikipedia pages proving Saint Nicholas was a real person and Megyn Kelly knows whereof she speaks. I tried to ignore The Most Annoying Person on Earth, but he was relentless as one would expect The Most Annoying Person on Earth to be. I finally told The Most Annoying Person on Earth that, yes, everyone knows there was a real Saint Nicholas. However, he did not have a flying sleigh and magic reindeer. So you and Megyn Kelly are arguing about a fictional character and being super racist about it. The Most Annoying Person on Earth didn't speak to me for a week and it was lovely.

It may be worth noting The Most Annoying Person on Earth is gay. He is in an interracial relationship. He is republican. One of these things is not like the others.

I also hate it when I have to defend Megyn Kelly because I watched her interview the Duggars. The Duggers are the super creepy parents from 19 Kids and Counting whose son molested his younger sisters. Megyn Kelly seemed to think Josh Duggar, the incestuous molester, was the victim because Jesus or something. Megyn Kelly also thought it was no big deal because the girls were asleep whilst being molested. And I guess being asleep means they were less violated...?

While we're on the subject of molesting unconscious women, I can't help but notice the hypocrisy from Fox News when one considers the way they sunk their teeth into the Cosby story with rapturous glee. Yet, when some pasty Jesus freak molests unconscious women it's okay.

Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Fox News:

Dear Fox and/or Friends,

Molesting unconscious women is always wrong. Not just when a black guy does it.

Yours Truly,

Donna Troy

To be clear, under no circumstances am I defending Bill Cosby. He's totally guilty by his own admission. I feel no pity for him. I don't care what happens to him. And I will never do Picture Pages with him again. I'm simply pointing out Fox News is super racist.

Which brings me back to defending Megyn Kelly and my hatred of doing so. Megyn Kelly recently left Fox News after alleging Roger Ailes sexually harassed her as he did so many others. Bill O'Reilly felt obligated to defend his fellow pervert and said to Megyn Kelly, “Shut up and take it, slut.” Or something to the effect. 


Fuck America for making me defend Megyn Kelly. Of course, she was sexually harassed by Roger Ailes. The man wouldn't even let her have sleeves for Christ's sake. Not even in winter. She would have been doing the news topless if Roger Ailes could have gotten it past the censors. Megyn Kelly is racist. She defends child molesters and she spells Megyn with a “y,” which is just stupid. But even Megyn Kelly deserves sleeves. 


This brings me to Bill O'Reilly and his deplorable treatment of all the other sleeveless women at Fox News. Fox News has fired Bill O'Reilly for being obnoxious and creepy. Which is strange because they were paying him eighteen million dollars a year to be obnoxious and creepy. Fox also paid thirteen million dollars in hush money to sleeveless women who were not willing to shut up and take it as directed by Bill O'Reilly.

The axing of Bill O'Reilly has filled some with the hope that society will no longer tolerate the sexual harassment/abuse of women. Fox News deserves no credit because they tried to hide it and only fired Bill because advertisers pulled from his show. Advertisers like the good people at Orkin who just killed the biggest pest of all. Also, Fox News helped Donald Trump become president. And Donald Trump was caught on tape admitting to grabbing pussy without the expressed consent of the pussy owner.

If you or someone you know was a fan/cult member of The O'Reilly Factor who is having trouble coping now that your supreme leader has turned out to be a pervert, I can help. Identifying perverts is relatively easy once you know the signs. For example, let's say someone is a leader in the “family values” movement and has declared himself the moral arbiter of a nation. The person may have even written a book titled, Old School, in which he writes about how life was better in the good old days. The days before sexual harrassment was a thing when sluts just shut up and took it. This person is probably a creeper. The family values people are always creepers.

(For more examples on family values creepers see: Bill Cosby, Josh Duggar, Jimmy Swaggert, Jim Bakker, Newt Gingrich, Rudy Guiliani, John Edwards, Strom Thurmond, Rush Limbaugh, Mark Sanford, and Sean Hannity. If you're wondering what Sean Hannity has done, see Donald Trump.)

Another sign of a creeper is their tendency to tell obvious lies. For example, let's say someone of some fame and stature has been accused of being sexually inappropriate with co-workers. And then this person of some fame and stature says he's innocent and these sleeveless women are only coming after him because he's rich and famous. You know he's lying. And you know he's lying because some of the sleeveless women recorded him jacking it to their bare arms. And the “jacking it” tapes have been public knowledge for a decade.

They lie about things other than jacking it, of course. Bill O'Reilly has “written” a series of horrible books about murdered historical figures, which he has called The Killing Series. The series includes such titles as: Killing Lincoln, Killing Kennedy, Killing Jesus, and Killing Reagan. Reagan wasn't murdered. You knew that before you bought the book. Also, stop buying his books. I know you're not reading them because Fox News viewers don't read. If they did, they'd stop watching Fox News. If you're insistent upon wasting your money on shit you don't use, please check out my sponsor's website.

The final obvious sign of a creeper is anger. All creepers have anger issues. For example, let's say someone who fancies himself a respected journalist has a segment on his show devoted to calling people pinheads. He's probably a creeper with anger issues. They tend to have anger issues because they can't come up with clever insults. They're always on the ass end of an argument because pinhead is the best they can do. All that anger builds up and they take it out on people in vulnerable positions. Like when the video surfaced of Bill O'Reilly screaming at crew members when he was the host of Inside Edition, or Access Hollywood, or Dance Party USA, or whatever the fuck it was.

Or the time Bill O'Reilly shouted threats of violence at the son of a 9/11 victim because the guy had the audacity to advocate for peace. Because there is no room for peace in the “No Spin Zone.” Bill O'Reilly told this guy to shut up and screamed for his crew to cut the guy's mic. O'Reilly did that whole mic cutting thing a lot when he got mad. Probably because he's incapable of winning an argument due to his inability to deliver witty insults.

There is also the time Bill O'Reilly had sleeveless women fired from Fox News because they weren't cool with him jacking it to their bare arms.

Fans/cult members of Bill O'Reilly, I know the loss of your supreme leader is heartbreaking for you. It's like some bitch told you it doesn't matter if Santa Clause is white or black because he's a fictional character and you're being super racist. You liked Bill because he told you what you wanted to hear. Even though some bitch has been telling you O'Reilly was an angry, lying creeper for years, but you didn't want to hear it. Now, you must walk unprepared into the real world where Santa Claus can be black and women can have sleeves. You will wallow in despair while some bitch laughs at you with smug satisfaction. And to that I say, “Shut up and take it, slut.”

Namaste, Bitches


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