Republicans
are super pleased with themselves for barely managing to pass a
healthcare bill through the republican controlled House of
Representatives. Impressive.
This is great news for people who earn
over two hundred thousand a year. Because they are going to
have kick ass health insurance. Rich people will no longer have to
choose between buying a yacht or having a face lift. And that's not
all. If you are a six figure earner, I am willing to
marry you and be added to your insurance plan. Yes, some lucky rich
person will have a big ass boat, a weird-looking, tight face and a bitch
who's using him to commit insurance fraud.
If
you're poor, elderly or disabled, you're probably really pissed right
now. I'm going to need you to calm the fuck down. Getting upset will
only raise your blood pressure and high blood pressure is a
pre-existing condition not covered under the GOP plan. Also, they
have a long way to go before they can actually get this thing passed
into law. And since they control all branches of federal government
and it took them three tries to barely get the House to vote for this
bill, I'm not overly confident in their ability to get this done.
The
GOP healthcare plan contains a plethora of disgusting bullshit, but
people are most concerned with pre-existing conditions. Before
Obamacare insurance companies could deny coverage to people with
pre-existing conditions. Republicans want to give insurance companies
that option again. Sort of. People with pre-existing conditions make
up the entire human race so, obviously, this only applies to poor
people. Poor people as defined by the GOP are those who make less
than two hundred grand a year.
It's
an effort to return America to a simpler, perhaps greater time. A time when the poor were found dead
in gutters. And the cause of death was a mild infection which could
have been easily treated with antibiotics. But since they had no
insurance the infection spread and all their vital organs shut down
and puss and blood was streaming out of their ears and they died a
painful, agonizing death for no reason.
Most
liberals believe healthcare is a right that should be afforded to all
people. I disagree. Some people deserve to die. Therefore, I propose, we simply change the definition of a
pre-existing condition. Physical ailments such as heart disease,
cancer or herpes will no longer be defined as a pre-existing
condition. Personality disorders such as douchebaggery,
assholeishness and fucktardation are now pre-existing conditions.
People who suffer from one or more of these personality disorders
will be denied healthcare coverage and will probably die of a totally
treatable ailment. Unfortunately, there is no douchebag cure and
these people are fucking up society. They need to be removed from the
gene pool.
Deciding
who qualifies as a douchebag is subjective. However, since it was my
idea, I get to decide. Here now is my list of douchebags who can drop
dead for all I care.
Douchebags
Who Can Drop Dead For All I Care
1.
The
asshole at work who came up to me on my 40th
birthday and asked me if I get senior citizen discounts at fast food
restaurants when he's all of four years younger than me. That would
have been a solid joke if he was 25, but at 36 it's weak.
2.
People
who voted third party in the election. These people make me angrier
than those who actually voted for Trump. Because unlike most Trump
voters, they knew better. They understood Trump is dangerous and
incompetent, but still couldn't bring themselves to vote for the only
other person who could actually win the election. Trump became
president by a very narrow margin and those dumbass protest votes did
it. Third party voters, you don't have to like Hillary Clinton, but
we both know you wouldn't be losing sleep over North Korea if she
were president. You can just think about that when you're dying from
a bad case of shingles.
3.
Trump
supporters. Sadly, a lot of you don't even understand what you've
done. I have some
sympathy for you because I feel like your parents, or your school, or
society in general really failed you somehow. Nevertheless,
I need you out of the gene pool before Chachi becomes the 2020
republican nominee.
4.
Scott Baio. What the fuck is his problem? Dude is all over the news like
it's 1982. Always
pissed about something. Can't even let poor Joanie die in peace.
Getting into
Twitter fights with random strangers. Please excuse me while I write
an open letter to Scott Baio.
Dear
Chachi,
Most
people can't live comfortably on residuals from work they did as
teenager. Like if your first job was at McDonald's. McDonald's
wouldn't be sending you checks well into your fifties. Your life is
pretty sweet. Shut the fuck up.
Warm
Regards,
Donna
Troy
5.
Malcolm
Jamal-Warner. He bitched about losing money because Cosby Show reruns
are no longer being aired. Because Cosby drugged and raped dozens of
women and
normal people don't want to binge watch a creepy rapist when their
trying to relax after coming home from work at their real jobs.
Please excuse me while I write on open letter to Malcolm
Jamal-Warner.
Dear
Theo,
Most
people can't live comfortably on residuals from work they did as
teenager. Like if your first job was at McDonald's. McDonald's
wouldn't be sending you checks well into your fifties. Your life is
pretty sweet. Shut the fuck up.
Warm
Regards,
Donna
Troy
6.
Utah
Congressman Jason Chaffetz.
Congressman Chaffetz scootered into the
House to vote
for the GOP healthcare bill after having surgery on a twelve-year-old foot injury. The bill that would deny healthcare
coverage to people with pre-existing conditions. Pre-existing
conditions like a twelve-year-old foot injury. In his defense, the
congressman doesn't know how much medical care costs because he's
never had to pay for it. He
thinks foot surgery costs thirty two dollars and hospitals give
everyone a free scooter so they can look cool on their way to vote
for legislation that fucks over the poor, elderly and disabled.
7.
Joe
Walsh who
tweeted the following after Jimmy Kimmel's heartbreaking monologue
about his sick baby:
“Sorry
JimmyKimmel: your sad story doesn’t obligate me or anybody else to
pay for somebody else’s health care.”
Naturally,
this douchebag, who quite boldly admits he doesn't care if a newborn
baby lives or dies, is anti-abortion.
To
be clear – this is Joe Walsh, former Illinois Republican
congressman and not Joe Walsh, former Eagles guitarist like
I originally thought.
Either way, there's gonna be a heartache tonight. A
heartache tonight. I know.
8.
Two
hundred of the two hundred seventeen republican House members who
voted for this bill. You may be wondering why I'm letting seventeen
congressman off the hook. Or you may not be wondering. Doesn't
matter. I'm going to explain anyway.
I'm
certain at some point they'll all have syphilis or crabs or some
other STD, which they will contract from low-rent
Baltimore hookers. The majority of them will suffer needlessly from a
completely treatable illness. They will slowly go mad as they watch a
small minority of their colleagues cruise through their daily lives
without any ill effects from the syphilis.
They
will be thrown out of their homes because their wives don't want to
catch the syphilis. And the last thing they hear as they lay dying in
some seedy motel room is a low-rent Baltimore hooker with a peanut
allergy saying, “Now you know what it feels like when you don't
have six hundred dollars for an EpiPen.”
Namaste,
Bitches
