Monday, May 8, 2017

Douchebag Is A Pre-Existing Condition

Republicans are super pleased with themselves for barely managing to pass a healthcare bill through the republican controlled House of Representatives. Impressive. 

This is great news for people who earn over two hundred thousand a year. Because they are going to have kick ass health insurance. Rich people will no longer have to choose between buying a yacht or having a face lift. And that's not all. If you are a six figure earner, I am willing to marry you and be added to your insurance plan. Yes, some lucky rich person will have a big ass boat, a weird-looking, tight face and a bitch who's using him to commit insurance fraud. 

If you're poor, elderly or disabled, you're probably really pissed right now. I'm going to need you to calm the fuck down. Getting upset will only raise your blood pressure and high blood pressure is a pre-existing condition not covered under the GOP plan. Also, they have a long way to go before they can actually get this thing passed into law. And since they control all branches of federal government and it took them three tries to barely get the House to vote for this bill, I'm not overly confident in their ability to get this done.

The GOP healthcare plan contains a plethora of disgusting bullshit, but people are most concerned with pre-existing conditions. Before Obamacare insurance companies could deny coverage to people with pre-existing conditions. Republicans want to give insurance companies that option again. Sort of. People with pre-existing conditions make up the entire human race so, obviously, this only applies to poor people. Poor people as defined by the GOP are those who make less than two hundred grand a year.

It's an effort to return America to a simpler, perhaps greater time.  A time when the poor were found dead in gutters. And the cause of death was a mild infection which could have been easily treated with antibiotics. But since they had no insurance the infection spread and all their vital organs shut down and puss and blood was streaming out of their ears and they died a painful, agonizing death for no reason.

Most liberals believe healthcare is a right that should be afforded to all people. I disagree. Some people deserve to die. Therefore, I propose, we simply change the definition of a pre-existing condition. Physical ailments such as heart disease, cancer or herpes will no longer be defined as a pre-existing condition. Personality disorders such as douchebaggery, assholeishness and fucktardation are now pre-existing conditions. People who suffer from one or more of these personality disorders will be denied healthcare coverage and will probably die of a totally treatable ailment. Unfortunately, there is no douchebag cure and these people are fucking up society. They need to be removed from the gene pool.

Deciding who qualifies as a douchebag is subjective. However, since it was my idea, I get to decide. Here now is my list of douchebags who can drop dead for all I care.

Douchebags Who Can Drop Dead For All I Care

1. The asshole at work who came up to me on my 40th birthday and asked me if I get senior citizen discounts at fast food restaurants when he's all of four years younger than me. That would have been a solid joke if he was 25, but at 36 it's weak.

2. People who voted third party in the election. These people make me angrier than those who actually voted for Trump. Because unlike most Trump voters, they knew better. They understood Trump is dangerous and incompetent, but still couldn't bring themselves to vote for the only other person who could actually win the election. Trump became president by a very narrow margin and those dumbass protest votes did it. Third party voters, you don't have to like Hillary Clinton, but we both know you wouldn't be losing sleep over North Korea if she were president. You can just think about that when you're dying from a bad case of shingles.

3. Trump supporters. Sadly, a lot of you don't even understand what you've done. I have some sympathy for you because I feel like your parents, or your school, or society in general really failed you somehow. Nevertheless, I need you out of the gene pool before Chachi becomes the 2020 republican nominee.

4. Scott Baio. What the fuck is his problem? Dude is all over the news like it's 1982. Always pissed about something. Can't even let poor Joanie die in peace. Getting into Twitter fights with random strangers. Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Scott Baio.

Dear Chachi,

Most people can't live comfortably on residuals from work they did as teenager. Like if your first job was at McDonald's. McDonald's wouldn't be sending you checks well into your fifties. Your life is pretty sweet. Shut the fuck up.

Warm Regards,
Donna Troy

5. Malcolm Jamal-Warner. He bitched about losing money because Cosby Show reruns are no longer being aired. Because Cosby drugged and raped dozens of women and normal people don't want to binge watch a creepy rapist when their trying to relax after coming home from work at their real jobs. Please excuse me while I write on open letter to Malcolm Jamal-Warner.

Dear Theo,

Most people can't live comfortably on residuals from work they did as teenager. Like if your first job was at McDonald's. McDonald's wouldn't be sending you checks well into your fifties. Your life is pretty sweet. Shut the fuck up.

Warm Regards,
Donna Troy

6. Utah Congressman Jason Chaffetz. 

Congressman Chaffetz scootered into the House to vote for the GOP healthcare bill after having surgery on a twelve-year-old foot injury. The bill that would deny healthcare coverage to people with pre-existing conditions. Pre-existing conditions like a twelve-year-old foot injury. In his defense, the congressman doesn't know how much medical care costs because he's never had to pay for it. He thinks foot surgery costs thirty two dollars and hospitals give everyone a free scooter so they can look cool on their way to vote for legislation that fucks over the poor, elderly and disabled.

7. Joe Walsh who tweeted the following after Jimmy Kimmel's heartbreaking monologue about his sick baby:

Sorry JimmyKimmel: your sad story doesn’t obligate me or anybody else to pay for somebody else’s health care.”

Naturally, this douchebag, who quite boldly admits he doesn't care if a newborn baby lives or dies, is anti-abortion.

To be clear – this is Joe Walsh, former Illinois Republican congressman and not Joe Walsh, former Eagles guitarist like I originally thought. Either way, there's gonna be a heartache tonight. A heartache tonight. I know.

8. Two hundred of the two hundred seventeen republican House members who voted for this bill. You may be wondering why I'm letting seventeen congressman off the hook. Or you may not be wondering. Doesn't matter. I'm going to explain anyway.

I'm certain at some point they'll all have syphilis or crabs or some other STD, which they will contract from low-rent Baltimore hookers. The majority of them will suffer needlessly from a completely treatable illness. They will slowly go mad as they watch a small minority of their colleagues cruise through their daily lives without any ill effects from the syphilis. They will be thrown out of their homes because their wives don't want to catch the syphilis. And the last thing they hear as they lay dying in some seedy motel room is a low-rent Baltimore hooker with a peanut allergy saying, “Now you know what it feels like when you don't have six hundred dollars for an EpiPen.”

Namaste, Bitches


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