Friday, May 26, 2017

Witness For The Prosecution

A friend of mine was once sued over a bottle of Aquafina. True story. To protect my friend's privacy I shall refer to her as “Rachel” for the remainder of this story. So, anyway, Melissa had been seeing this guy who needed a car and had bad credit, which is quite typical of men who don't own cars. Melissa was all googley-eyed in love and let him buy a car using her good name and credit. The googley-eye eventually cleared up and Melissa broke up with her financially impaired boyfriend. The ex-boyfriend decided he no longer had to make car payments. He assumed the repo people wouldn't be able to find him since they had Melissa's address. Melissa soon tired of the collection calls and took it upon herself to repossess the car. She had it towed from the ex-boyfriend's place of business, the Target parking lot.

A few weeks later Melissa showed up at my place all depressed because Target guy was suing her for property he claimed was in the car. I read the documents and learned Target guy considered socks and bottled water to be valuable property. I told her I didn't know what she was so upset about. Either the judge would throw out the case or she could pay off Target guy with a ten dollar Target gift card.

The judge threw out the case and Target guy tried to win her back outside the courthouse. Melissa rejected his advances as she was fairly certain he was just hoping for a ride home.

Speaking of dumbass lawsuits - Donald Trump. The president spent the better part of the last three weeks making the case for his own impeachment. He was trying to do the opposite, but something about the best laid plans. Someone (Jared Kushner) finally convinced the president this Russia shit is for real and he should seek legal council. He hired attorney Marc Kasowitz, who previously represented Donnie with the Trump University fraud suits. And that went well. For the people suing Donald Trump.

Which brings us to that burning question: Is Trump terminally stupid or terminally arrogant?

To answer this question, let's take a look at some of my favorite dumbass Trump lawsuits from the past.

1973 – Fair Housing Act
The Justice Department sued Trump for violating the Fair Housing Act by refusing to rent to black tenants in 39 buildings.

Trump's lawyer, Roy Cohn, counter sued the government for $100 million. The counter suit claimed Trump did not know any black people personally, but he had seen Sanford and Son and neither Sanford nor his son lived up to the Trump brand image. It wasn't racist. It wasn't personal. It was just good business.

A federal judge threw out the Sanford and Son counterclaim, calling it “a waste of time and paper.”

It should be noted Roy Cohn previously represented Senator Joseph McCarthy during his big communist witch hunt in the fifties. Fact.

1990 Trump Taj Mahal
In April 1990 an analyst predicted Trump Taj Mahal would close by the end of the year. Trump called the analyst's firm threatening to sue. He told them, “This is complete and total fake analysis, okay. Trump Taj Mahal will be the greatest of all both the Taj Mahals. Believe me. Better even than the one in Indonesia. This analyst is probably some frustrated black guy named Lamont who hates Trump because I wouldn't rent him an apartment. Like that's my fault. Everyone is always blaming Trump. I settled that case without even, not one admission of guilt, okay. For Lamont to be holding a grudge against Trump all these years is very, very unclassy. That I can tell you.”

The analyst refused to retract his statement. The firm fired him. Trump Taj Mahal declared bankruptcy in November 1990.

2006 American Flag
Trump erected an 80-foot-tall flag pole with a 15 by 25 foot American flag on his property. The Town of Palm Beach fined him $250 a day for ordinance violations.  Trump sued the town for $25 million claiming they were totally cock blocking his freedom of speech by not letting his freak flag fly. The town claimed the freak flag was blocking the sun and people were becoming increasingly listless due to lack of Vitamin D.

Trump was ordered to pay $100,000 to veterans charities, which he did using funds from the Trump Foundation. And that dumbass attempt to avoid paying a $250 fine is currently being investigated as misappropriation of charitable funds.

2008 Deutsche Bank
In 2005 Trump took out a $640 million loan from Deutsche Bank. In 2008 a representative of Deutsche Bank called Donnie and said, “Hey, Mr. Trump. I see you've taken out a rather large loan and haven't made a payment yet. Do you think you could do around $40 million to keep your account in good standing?”

Trump then sued Deutsche Bank for $3 billion. He claimed their attempt to collect a debt damaged his business because other banks stopped loaning him ridiculous sums of money he had no intention repaying.  Deutsche Bank then filed suit for $40 million of the $640 million owed.

They eventually came to some kind of agreement, but Trump still owes Deutsche Bank over $300 million to this very day.

In related news, Trump released his budget plan earlier this week. Everything you need to know about  A Budget Blueprint to Make America Great Again was covered in the preceding paragraphs.

2009 Morrison Cohen
Trump sued his own lawyers. The law firm of Morrison Cohen posted links on their website to Trump-related news articles. Donnie sued them for $5 million for using his name. Trump filed a second suit claiming Morrison Cohen overcharged him for their services.

Morrison Cohen filed a counter suit requesting payment on those overcharged bills. Because Trump hadn't paid them. This seems to be a pattern with Trump. I'm not sure why, but he sees receiving a bill as some sort of injustice he must fight all the way to the Supreme Court if he has to.

To no one's surprise Trump was no match for a building full of attorneys. And a judge had to explain to a future President of the United States that news articles are a matter of public record. Because that's what the news is, a public record.

2011 Timothy O'Brien
Author Timothy O'Brien wrote a biography of Trump, Trump Nation: The Art of Being the Donald. In the book, O'Brien claimed Trump is not a billionaire as he so often claims.

Trump was pissed to be outed as some broke ass millionaire. He filed a lawsuit against Timothy O'Brien for $5 billion. Representing Donnie was Marc Kasowitz, the man currently advising Trump on this whole Russia cluster-fuck. Neither Trump nor his awesome legal counsel was able to prove in court that he is a billionaire.

Trump explained to the judge his billions in debt is actually income because he has no intention of repaying those loans. He further stated his net worth varied daily depending upon his feelings.

I only made up one of those statements. The other one he actually said under oath in a court of law.

2015 Univision
Univision is a network which airs programming aimed at Hispanic Americans. After Trump announced his candidacy for president and called Mexicans rapists and drug dealers, Univision opted not to continue any business ties with him. Therefore, they refused to air the Trump-owned Miss USA pageant. I have no idea why they wanted to air it in the first place. Who the fuck watches beauty pageants other than Donald Trump and the mothers of the contestants? Miss America is streamed online now because they can't find a network willing to give up three hours of prime time for a show sponsored by Sally Hansen Hair Removal Cream. (That shit doesn't work, by the way.) I remember a time before I had 500 channels when Miss America would fuck up my night. And what did I miss Sanford and Son for? Nothing. Name a Miss America not named Vanessa Williams. Exactly. You can't.

Anyway, Trump filed a $500 million lawsuit against Univision for defamation. His lawsuit claimed he didn't say anything negative toward Hispanic Americans in his campaign speech. His speech was about Mexicans. He loves the people of Hispania and as president he will bring peace to the Middle East. And furthermore, he can't be racist because he used to watch Sanford and Son and there was like a Mexican or a Puerto Rican guy on that show.

Trump eventually bought out Unvision's interest in the Miss USA pageant and made a deal with Fox. Fox chose to air the pageant on a Sunday night at 8pm. One viewer tweeted it was the worst Simpsons ever. 

2016 Clark County, Nevada
I had completely forgotten about this one. I forgot about it because the lawsuit was filed on November 8, 2016. You may remember that as Election Day. Or you may remember it as the day you were expecting a woman president, but you went to bed feeling like a black Miss America without a crown.

While you were pondering the injustices which plague Hillary Clinton and Vanessa Williams, Donald Trump was busy filing a lawsuit in Clark County, Nevada. He alleged they were keeping the polls open too late and it wasn't fair because the people in line were mostly Latino and they are totally biased against Trump. It was early afternoon in New York when Trump filed suit. It was mid-morning in Nevada. Trump's definition of “too late” is vague at best. We were supposed to be laughing about this on November 9, but uneasy lies the head that briefly wears a crown. 

We may have to wait longer than we'd like for Trump's inevitable impeachment hearing. But based on his past legal proceedings it promises to be an entertaining shit show of epic proportions. And I can't wait to binge watch that shit like it's a Sanford and Son marathon.

Namaste, Bitches


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