Remember
when Betty White did a Snickers commercial and the Facebook people started a
campaign to get Betty White to host SNL and Betty White hosted SNL? Lawrence
O'Donnell extended an open invitation for Joe Pesci to appear on his show to
read Anthony Scaramucci quotes. That was the most brilliant thing on the news
all week. Saturday Night Live has got to get Joe Pesci to play The Mooch.
Facebook People, you've got to Betty White this Joe Pesci thing. Joe Pesci did
a Snickers commercial too. Snickers really satisfies.
Last
night I sent out the following tweet: “POTUS and The Mooch gave R Priebus a
severance package consisting of an Edible Arrangements gift basket and a $50
Wal-Mart gift card. Classy.”
In
an odd turn of events Anthony Scaramucci called me this morning to bitch about
my tweet. I'm not sure how he got my number since I blog under a fake name and
he didn't seem to know that. There must be a leaker in my apartment. The only
other person here is my roommate... who is from New York... just like The
Mooch. I'm willing to overlook this leak as the rent is due in two days.
Fortunately,
I'm in the habit of recording all my phone calls in case I'm contacted by some
wannabe Goodfella.
At
no time did The Mooch state our conversation was off the record. Not that it
would have mattered if he did as I'm not a journalist. What follows is a
transcript of our conversation.
The Mooch: Donna, I want to know who fucking leaked to you about the motherfucking
Edible Arrangements. You know what The Mooch is going to do to that cocksucker?
I'm going to murder his wife and children in front of him. Then I'm going to
fire him. Then I'm going to write him a letter of recommendation and send him
on his way with a fruit basket. Because, hey, I'm a classy guy. So who's the
fucking leaker, Donna?
Donna Troy: There was no leaker. It was a joke. The fact that you don't know how
jokes work is comical, though.
The Mooch: Waddya mean I’m comical? Waddya mean? You mean the way I talk? What? Comical
how? I mean, what’s comical about it? You mean, let me understand this… cuz I…
maybe it’s me? Maybe I’m a little fucked up, maybe? I’m comical how, I mean comical
like I’m a clown? I amuse you? I make you laugh? I’m here to fuckin’ amuse you?
Waddya mean comical? Comical how? How am I comical? How the fuck am I comical?
What the fuck is so comical about The Mooch? Tell me. Tell me what’s comical.
Donna Troy: Yeah... so as long as I've got you on the phone, do you care to comment
on Trump's remarks advocating police brutality?
The Mooch: Whoa. Whoa. The president is a great man and a great politician. He's
been a close friend of mine for many years. I mean, I've seen this man beat an
eight-year-old at hopscotch. He hopped on two legs. He hopped on one leg. He
skipped the square the rock landed on. He didn't miss a beat. The president is
a great athlete. That's what we should be talking about.
Donna Troy: I thought you wanted to talk about White House leaks.
The Mooch: I don't want to talk about the motherfucking leakers. I want you to
tell me who the motherfucking leakers are. It's an American travesty when
everyone knows who the president is giving fruit baskets to. And I'll tell you
something else, the president sprung for the fucking chocolate dipping on the
strawberries and apple slices. That costs extra. I bet the prick nugget leaker
didn't tell you that. And when you speak to the leaker again, you can tell him
to go fuck his mother for me.
Donna Troy: The leaker was Ivanka Trump. She's my BFF. We go shopping together, get
pedicures, talk about boys. That kind of stuff.
The Mooch: Ivanka Trump is great American patriot and first daughter. We've been
close friends for many years. I think it speaks to the kind of person she is
that she chose to share this great example of her father's generosity with the
nation.
I
grew up in a middle class family in a neighborhood. I knew a lot of working
mothers. Ivanka Trump chose to design quality handbags and shoes for working
mothers at a reasonable price. I'm ashamed to admit this, but I never thought
of the handbag needs of the women in my neighborhood. Even though Ivanka grew
up rich, she saw that. She saw the needs of working middle class mothers.
Donna Troy: I've never met Ivanka Trump. That was another joke you didn't get.
The Mooch: You know what, Donna? This is what The Mooch hates about the main
stream media. Fucking fake news and gotcha politics. You don't want to tell me
who the leaker is? Fine. Fuck it. I'll find the fucking leaker on my own. You know what The Mooch is going to do to that
butt fucker? I'm going to amputate his fucking leg with a rusty chainsaw. Then
I'm going take the leg and shove it down the dickwad's throat. That jerkoff is
gonna shit his own toes.
Donna Troy: Would you like to share your thoughts on the president's tweet banning
transgender military personnel? Does he understand that tweeting something
doesn't make it policy?
The Mooch: First of all, Donald J. Trump is not an establishment politician. He's
not going to do things the way they've been done in the past. This is one of
the things I hate about Washington. You have to go through all this red tape to
get anything done. Trump is from the business world. I'm from the business
world. In the business world, you make a decision and it's settled. Boom. Done.
That's how Donald J. Trump is going to lead this country and make it great
again. He doesn't have time to fill out fifty forms and write bills. That's
what I'm here for. The president makes a decision and I represent him and
support that decision. I went to Harvard Law School. I got an A minus in one of
my courses. My professor remembers that.
Donna Troy: The president is serious about banning transgender service members
then?
The Mooch: Look, just because the president said something doesn't mean he said
it. And you know what? No one thinks of the danger these transgender “soldiers”
are in. If someone like Caitlyn Jenner showed up in the neighborhood I grew up
in, I don't want to tell you what we'd do to that she-man. We'd choke her with
her own wig, cut off her fake tits and ship 'em C.O.D. to her mother. Then we'd
write “tranny whore” on her forehead with her blood. Now you want to put the
trannys which a bunch of G.I. Joes who are trained to kill? The president is
protecting these fucking ungrateful freaks.
I'll
tell you something else. I once saw Donald J. Trump go jogging with Caitlyn
Jenner when she still had her balls and we called her Bruce. They decided to
race the last two miles. I've never seen anyone move as fast as the president.
Bruce was eating Trump's dust. I mean, the man out ran an Olympic athlete. As
far as I'm concerned, if Brucelyn wants to be a big titty baby about this one
issue she can go suck her detachable cock.
Donna Troy: You know Caitlyn Jenner is a Trump supporter, right?
The Mooch: Caitlyn Jenner is a real American hero, an Olympic gold medalist and a
courageous spokesperson for the transgender community. She's been a close
friend of mine for many years.
Donna Troy: You're almost good at your job. I nearly forgot Jared Kushner testified
before the House Intelligence Committee. Care to share anything about that?
The Mooch: I've known Jared Kushner many years. He's a close friend. He's an
honest guy. There's nothing to tell. He testified and told them there's nothing
to tell. I was a part of the campaign. I didn't see any Russians.
Donna Troy: We know he met with Russians because of Little Don's emails.
The Mooch: Donald J. Trump Jr is a good friend. I've known him for many years. He
said that meeting was a nothing burger and that's good enough for me. Donald J.
Trump Jr is a guy who has had all the advantages in the world. I once saw him
make his own plane reservations. He'd never done that before in his life. His
secretary was having an emergency appendectomy. He was supposed to go to
Florida to fill in for his dad at a golf course opening. He didn't know the
secretary hadn't booked his flight until she was already under anesthesia and
it was too late to call her. Don said, “You know what? I think I can do it.”
Not only did he do it, but he decided not to fire his secretary. I think that
speaks a lot to the kind of guy Donald J. Trump Jr is.
Donna Troy: You got rid of Sean Spicer and Reince Priebus in a week. Who's next to
go?
The Mooch: First of all, The Mooch had nothing to do with Sean Spicer leaving. He
was doing a terrible job, but the president was going to keep him on a while
longer out of loyalty. The president is one of the most loyal people I've ever
met. He once fired an FBI Director because he refused to pledge his loyalty to
the president. That's how much the president values loyalty.
You
can say a lot of things about Sean Spicer, but he was loyal. The man tried to
make people believe covfefe is a word. That's how loyal he was to the president.
But he failed to make people believe covfefe is a word. He was loyal, but he
was incompetent. That's why Donald J. Trump brought in The Mooch. And everyone
will believe in covfefe before The Mooch is done.
Second
of all, Reince and I are like brothers. We're like Cain and Abel, J.R. and
Bobby Ewing, Michael and Fredo Corleone.
Donna Troy: Excellent examples. Can't really call him a paranoiac then.
The Mooch: That shitbag is a fucking paranoiac. I was supposed to be in the
president's cabinet in January. Reince fucking cock blocked me from the
president.
Donna Troy: You should really think about what that phrase implies about your
relationship with the president.
The Mooch: It implies Reince Priebus is a big fucking pussy who couldn't handle some
stiff competition from The Mooch. If he even thinks about leaking anything now,
I'll cut off his ears and staple them to the back of his head. I'll cut out his
eyes and shove them in the holes where his ears used to be. I'll rearrange his
whole fucking face. Turn him into a real life Mr. Goddamn Potato Head.
You
want to know who's next to go? Steve Ass-Licker Bannon. I'll cut the brakes in
his car, tell him his kid's in the hospital and nothing will happen because
that asshole's not going to check on his kid. But sooner or later, he's got to
drive somewhere and when he does – Bam! Dead. He fucked with the wrong Mooch.
Donna Troy: What about Jeff Sessions?
The Mooch: I've known Jeff Sessions a long time. He's a close friend of mine, but
he can't take a hint. The president is unhappy Jeff recused himself. I told you
how the president feels about loyalty. What good is an attorney who recused
himself from representing the president. That's pretty disloyal if you ask me.
Donna Troy: The attorney general isn't the president's attorney. I thought you went
to Harvard Law School.
The Mooch: The president is the commander in chief and he gets to appoint the
attorney general. If he's not happy with the job the attorney general is doing,
or not doing, since he recused himself, the president should be able to tweet
him out of office. The president won the election.
Donna Troy: Yes, I know. That's why he's the president.
The Mooch: Are we fucking done here or what?
Donna Troy: You called me.
The Mooch: Yeah, something about a fucking fruit basket.
***End
of call***
Namaste,
Bitches
