Sean Hannity once said, “If Fox News
had been around in the seventies, Nixon wouldn’t have had to
resign.” And he said it proudly as if Nixon had suffered the
unwarranted indignity of having to resign under false allegations.
Now please excuse me while I write an open letter to Fox News
Viewers.
Dear
Fox News Viewers,
What
the fuck does it take to get through to you?
Kind
Regards,
Donna
Troy
The
moment The Mueller Report was released Sean Hannity declared it a
victory for Trump and demanded apologies from the FBI, democrats, and
Woodward and Bernstein.
Unlike
Sean Hannity, I actually read The Mueller Report. I know Sean
Hannity didn’t read it because his name was mentioned three times
and I’m pretty sure he’d be bitching about it if he knew.
Volume
I of The Mueller Report covers the Russian interference in the 2016
election. While describing how Russia created fake social media
accounts to influence the election, Mueller named some of the more
high profile people who were fooled by Russian Twitter bots and
retweeted fake information to their millions of followers. Those
named were Donald Trump, Donald Trump, Jr. and Sean Motherfucking
Hannity. Sean Hannity was the only “journalist” who didn’t
find a tweet in broken English suspicious.
Somehow,
members of the Lame Street Media weren’t duped by tweets such as:
“We
are “Gathering of the Good People” Just A American #DonaldTrump
#Trump2016 You’re A American #realdonaldtrump America First #1”
Volume
II of The Mueller Report covers the obstruction of justice case
against Donald Trump. The June 9, 2016 Trump Tower meeting between
Donald Trump, Jr., Jared Kushner, Paul Manafort and Russians claiming
to have dirt on Hillary Clinton was discussed in great detail.
Reince Priebus stated under oath that he learned of the meeting when
Sean Hannity told him about it. This begs the question how did Sean
Hannity know about the meeting before the president’s chief of
staff? Could Hannity be a stellar investigative journalist who will
stop at nothing to uncover the truth even if it’s detrimental to
his president/BFF? The report does not answer this question, but I’m
going to say no.
Volume
II also discusses the Trump Tower Moscow project in great detail.
Trump’s former attorney, Michael Cohen, will serve three years in a
federal prison for lying to congress about the project. While
drafting his lies with the aid of the president’s legal counsel,
Cohen mentioned they could easily be proven false because he’d
spoken about the Trump Tower Moscow project on Sean Hannity’s radio
show. Trump’s counsel was all like, “Don’t worry about it.
Trump loves you. You’ll be taken care of.”
Sean
Hannity consistently defends Trump on his nightly Fox broadcast,
crying of a broken justice system and a witch hunt gone afoul of the
constitution.
Now please excuse me while I write another open letter
to Fox News viewers.
Dear
Fox News Viewers,
Seriously.
What the fuck does it take to get through to you?
Warm
Wishes,
Donna
Troy
If
you didn’t spend the entire Easter weekend so engrossed in The
Mueller Report that you said, “Shut up. I’m reading,” to your
phone when it was trying to alert you of a tornado warning, I highly
recommend you do so. It’s really long and you may expect it to be
boring, but I normally burst into a state of utter panic if a funnel
cloud has been spotted in a hundred mile radius of my location. The
mere fact that I ignored a tornado warning should tell you it’s
worth the read. Although, as a general rule you should never ignore
a tornado warning. The majority of deaths that occur during a
tornado can be attributed to people who ignored the warnings. And
the most warning you can hope to get before a tornado strikes is six
minutes. If you’re lucky. As you can plainly see I take this
tornado shit very seriously.
If
you don’t have time to read the full Mueller Report you can skip
Volume I. Most of what’s in it is already public knowledge and
what isn’t public knowledge has been redacted. I shall share with
you the two most important things I learned in Volume I.
First,
the Russians hired some dude to dress up as Santa, wear a Trump mask
and walk around New York City. This isn’t so much important as it
is creepy. And since reading it I’ve had some really fucked up
dreams. And I don’t think I should be the only one bothered by
this. So live with that image in your head.
Second,
Mueller decided not to indict Donald Trump, Jr. and Jared Kushner for
the Trump Tower meeting because in order to do so he would need to
prove they willfully and knowingly broke the law. Mueller didn’t
think it possible to convince a grand jury that Don Jr. and Kushner
possess basic human intelligence.
Volume
II is where it gets good. All the crazy impeachable shit is in
Volume II. For instance, we all know Trump was super pissed because
Jeff Sessions recused himself from the Russia investigation. Trump
tried to get him to “unrecuse” several times. “Unrecuse” is
in quotation marks because it’s not a word. But that didn’t stop
Trump from saying it. Several times. Sessions was unresponsive to
Trump’s requests that he “unrecuse.” It is not known if his
lack of response was due to legal reasons or if he simply didn’t
know the definition of a word that does not exist.
With
no response from Sessions, Trump called upon one of his most loyal
sycophants, Corey Lewandowski. Lewandowski was Trump’s campaign
manager from the beginning of the campaign through June 20, 2016.
His most notable accomplishments during that time were physically
assaulting a female reporter and physically assaulting a protester.
Trump
summoned Lewandowski to the Oval Office and demanded he set up a
meeting with Sessions. He was told to order Sessions to “unrecuse,”
end the Russia investigation and open an investigation on Hillary
Clinton. Trump directed Lewandowski to fire Jeff if he refused to
meet with him. I found this to be the most enlightening part of the
whole report. I had no idea a private citizen had the power to fire
the Attorney General. Please excuse me while I write a termination
letter to William Barr.
Dear
Attorney General Barr,
Due
to several false and misleading statements you’ve made to the
American people, it has come to my attention that you may be
obstructing justice in the obstruction of justice case against the
President of the United States. In legal terms, I believe this is
known as Double Obstruction or General Douchebaggery. In any event,
I have no choice but to terminate your employment as Attorney General
of the United States effective immediately.
Please
be assured the president still loves you and will take care of you,
just as he has taken care of other former employees who are currently
serving federal prison sentences.
Good
luck in all you future endeavors.
Sincerely,
Private
Citizen, Donna Troy
It
may come as no surprise to learn Trump has been unhappy with the news
coverage of The Mueller Report with the exception of Fox News. The
president spent the weekend at Mar-A-Lago with Rush Limbaugh.
Because Trump doesn’t have the attention span to read anything
longer than a tweet, Rush read the report to him. And also because he
finds Limbaugh’s voice to be soothing in a bombastic windbag style
similar to Trump’s own manner of speaking.
Through
my super special top secret connections, I’ve learned Trump has
been dictating a rebuttal to The Mueller Report to Rush Limbaugh, who
aside from his career as one of the top radio assholes, also
possesses excellent secretarial skills such as typing and taking
dictation.
Here
is an excerpt from The Trump Rebuttal for your reading pleasure:
The
President Donald J. Trump Rebuttal of the Very Unfair Mueller Russia
Witch Hunt
My
fellow Americans, first of all no collusion. No collusion of any
kind was found between me or my campaign and Russia interference. I
have to say Robert Mueller was very honest about that. This has been
a complete and total witch hunt from the very beginning. The dems
were out to get me because they lost a campaign which
they really should have won. But anyway, no collusion. No collusion
of any kind. So in that respect I have to say Mueller was very fair,
but in other respects, not so much.
Like
this business where he said I said, “This is the end of my
presidency. I’m fucked.” That was taken
totally out of context, okay. Totally out of context, folks. I said
it, but not because I was afraid of the special counsel. Because
there was nothing for me to be afraid of. Because, as I’ve said
many, many times, no collusion. So when I heard a special counsel
had been appointed, I said it like, I said sarcastically. Like, “Oh
my god. I’m sooo fucked.” So
he
took that out of context, like I said, to make it look like I had
done something wrong when in fact, I said it
because I knew I hadn’t done anything wrong.
Mueller,
he really, he took a lot of things out of context. Like this business
with Jeff Sessions. I’ve been very transparent about that, folks.
I always said he shouldn’t have recused and if he knew he was going
to recuse he should have told me so I could appoint an unrecused
attorney general. And people said to me, they said, “Mr.
President, the attorney general’s job isn’t to protect you.”
And I was like, “You think Bobby Kennedy didn’t protect Jack?”
I mean, as far as investigations and witch hunts are concerned.
Obviously Bobby didn’t protect him against everything because Jack
got killed. And then Bobby got himself killed. And that’s the
problem with democrats. They refuse to say radical Islamic
terrorists. And it’s like, they don’t want to take a stand
against terrorism. But if Bobby Kennedy had spent more time looking
for terrorists and less time trying to break up the mafia, he would
have seen that Siri Siri guy coming. And here we are like forty,
fifty years later, something like that, and we still don’t know who
killed Jack Kennedy.
So
it’s very important to me to have a strong attorney general who
will protect the president. And
I don’t have a brother who I can appoint as attorney general. My
brother Fred is dead. And my brother Robert rescues horses, if you
can believe it. I mean, what am I supposed to do with The Horse
Whisperer for a brother? And I have two sisters, but they’re
women.
Actually,
and a lot of people don’t know this, but one of the reasons I
appointed Bill Barr to replace Jeff Sessions is because I thought he
was Roseanne Barr’s brother. I mean, he’s fat and he’s willing
to ruin his career for me, so you know, there’s that similarity.
And I figured if I couldn’t used my own brother, Roseanne’s
brother would be a good choice. But, as it turns out, he’s not
related to Roseanne at all, but he’s worked out. I think he’ll
be known in history as one of the great attorney generals.
And
this business about, did I try to fire Mueller? Look, I have the
executive power to fire anyone if I think it’s the right thing to
do. Now, ultimately, I decided to hold off and see where this whole
Russia witch hunt thing – the thing is, sure, I discussed firing
Mueller with some of my top senior advisers. But what you have to
remember is, I talk about firing people every day. It’s part of my
job as the top person in charge of things like that, like firing
people. And really, it’s what the American people elected me to
do. It’s what I’m known for. I’m known for, “you’re
fired.” It’s like, it’s my catchphrase and when I was elected,
my voters, they expected me to fire people and not be afraid of –
oh I shouldn’t do this or I shouldn’t do that because it’s not
politically correct or it doesn’t look good. But look, I’m okay
with being not correct.
And
the fake news media is making a big deal about this whole Don McGhan
thing. Did I get upset because Don McGhan took notes? Sure I did.
Look, I’ve had lawyers, for forty years I’ve had lawyers, and not
once did I see them take notes. So why does this one lawyer start
taking notes when I’m president? And
this business of him saying something like, “Well, I’m a real
lawyer.” Really? You think Bobby Kennedy was taking notes on
Jack? You think there’s some big stack of notes in
a basement somewhere on
the Invasion of the Bay of Pigs? Of course there
isn’t.
So
why would Don McGhan be taking notes every time he talks to me? I’ll
tell you, he
probably wants to
make a name for himself and he’s
using
Trump to do it. By the way, this happens when you’re famous and
when you’re famous and become president, it’s like, everyone
wants a piece of you. So, this McGhan guy he sells
some off the cuff remark I
made to
Mueller and the
failing New York Times does
a story on it.
And
they’ll all make some
money
off of Trump. And
so we’re considering a lawsuit. I’ve heard from many, many
people that I should sue. They say this stuff with the White House
counsel selling my information to Mueller is really unfair. It’s
presidential harassment the likes of which no one has ever seen. And
by the way, a lot of people don’t know this, but Mueller is making
tremendous amounts of money with this whole report. It’s like a
best seller. And that’s because of Trump. No one cares what Mueller
has to say. Who ever heard of Mueller before Trump? People want to
read about Trump. So, in a way, this is very good for me.
Now
there’s this business of did I help Don Jr. with his statement
about the Trump Tower Russia meeting. And I’m like, so what if I
did? I really, I had no choice. Look, I gave him some
responsibility and what
he did was – he
caused more problems with this whole Trump Russia hoax. Look,
he took the meeting – and I can say that’s one thing Mueller was
very fair about. He said Trump knows nothing. And that’s true.
That I can tell you. And when this whole meeting thing became a
thing in the press and Hope Hicks and Jared wanted to talk to me
about it, I said to them, I said, “Look, I don’t want to know
anything. Just leave it alone. I mean, I wasn’t at the meeting so
why should I care?” And Hope was all like, “It looks bad. It
looks really bad for Don Jr.” And I was all like, “You know, to
be honest with you, he’s not even really one of my favorite kids.
I could do without him if I’m being honest.”
Alas,
even with the release of the damaging Mueller Report, Stupid
Watergate continues. As of this writing Elizabeth Warren is the only
elected official who has called for the impeachment of Trump. But
do
not despair for Real Watergate was just as stupid as Stupid
Watergate.
Fun
Fact:
When the burglars broke into the Watergate Hotel they placed a
lookout in the building across the street. The security guard at the
Watergate noticed tape placed on several doors which prevented them
from locking. Finding this to be suspicious, the guard called the
police. The lookout missed the arrival of the police because he had
become captivated by a movie on TV. And that
movie was Attack of the Puppet People. True story.
When
you feel all hope is lost, remember, Nixon was infinitely smarter
than Trump. And Attack of the Puppet People took him down.
Namaste,
Bitches
