Sunday, April 7, 2019

Conspiracy To Commit Conspiracy

Because I don’t get my news from random YouTube clips, I’d never heard of Alex Jones before Trump became a presidential candidate. Alex Jones is one of Trump’s favorite news sources, almost tying with Fox News and Scott Baio tweets. If you’re one of those stupid smart people who get your news from the Washington Post or NPR, I’ll have to explain what an Alex Jones is to you.

Alex Jones is a fat pompous asshole with a voice eerily similar to Rush Limbaugh. He has a web series called InfoWars. He spouts ridiculous conspiracy theories, yet considers himself a respected journalist because he gets his information from credible sources. Sources like a YouTube user named SparklyGirl89 who is convinced Al Gore is responsible for September 11th because he never got over the hanging chads. And no one knows where Al Gore was on September 11th.  

Alex Jones has recently been sued by parents of children killed in the Sandy Hook school shooting. He has been claiming Sandy Hook was staged, no children were killed and the parents were crisis actors. It was all part of Obama’s plan to repeal the Second Amendment and take guns away from responsible gun owners. The parents, who already suffered the trauma of having their five-year-olds murdered in cold blood, have been harassed by the deranged viewers of InfoWars. They have even received death threats from some of the more fervent gun enthusiasts who fail to see how murder is a pretty good reason to take their guns from them. 

The full deposition of Alex Jones in this lawsuit is available online. Though I’m not interested in anything this second rate Rush Limbaugh has to say, I found myself intrigued as to how he would defend himself under oath. I only intended to check out a few minutes, but before I knew it I was completely spellbound and had sat through all three hours of this shit. I shall paraphrase a snippet of the testimony for your reading pleasure.

Alex Jones:  This all started when Hillary Clinton lost the election. She talked about me on the campaign trail and the liberals directed the Sandy Hook people to sue me. My tagline is “You are the resistance.” The liberals stole that from me. Then Pepe The Frog became a symbol of the alt right. I had nothing to do with that, but that’s how the media spun it. They show short clips from my show and say, “Alex Jones and Pepe The Frog claim alleged Sandy Hook victim is alive in Pakistan.” The Las Vegas shooting was done by covert operators in the Saudi Arabian Civil War. I have a CIA informant who showed me everything, so that’s been confirmed. The guy who did the shooting was a patsy and that’s all come out. CNN faked their coverage of the first Gulf War using a blue screen. Their reporters were never there and they’ve admitted that. Okay, PizzaGate, that was the media spinning my words again. I didn’t name the pizza parlor where Killary was conducting the child sex trafficking. Everyone knows cheese pizza is code for child molesters.

Attorney:  Mr. Jones, the question was who owns InfoWars, LLC?

Alex Jones:  I don’t know.

His testimony left me with more questions than answers. Like this whole cheese pizza thing. Is it a plain cheese pizza that means you’re a child molester? Because I really enjoy a four cheese pizza. Are multiple cheeses innocent or do they stand for something far more sinister?

Toward the end of his testimony, Alex Jones said he now believes the Sandy Hook shooting happened. He developed a sort of psychosis brought on by all the lies perpetrated by the government and the media. He was so traumatized by all the lying he came to believe every big news event was staged. It takes a special kind of asshole to claim he was traumatized by nothing while staring into the faces of parents whose babies who were brutally murdered.

I can’t help but notice the irony of a man claiming to be traumatized by the lies of the government while ardently supporting Donald Trump. I can’t think of anyone who lies more than Trump and I thought about it for a full two seconds. Perhaps, I’ve been traumatized by all the Trump lying and failed to recognize it. I think I feel a psychosis coming on. My nose is stuffy and my throat is scratchy. It’s either psychosis or allergies. Or the psychosis caused the allergies because I’ve never had any reaction to pollen season in the past.

My psychosis is telling me it’s time I uncover the conspiracies behind the Trump lies.

Ladies and Gentleman, Donna Troy Presents:


Why won’t Trump release his tax returns? We all know he’s not under audit and there are obvious reasons he doesn’t want us to see them. He doesn’t pay taxes and he’s not as rich as he claims. But could there be other reasons not yet uncovered by the liberal media?

I have it on good authority by a source with the IRS that Trump has a secret Mexican family. In 2010 Trump began an affair with an illegal immigrant by the name of Melosia Something who worked at Mar-A-Lago. To be clear by “a source with the IRS” I mean I feel like I heard it somewhere.

Melosia Something worked as a housekeeper before becoming pregnant with the first of Trump’s three anchor babies. She now resides in a luxurious Mar-A-Lago suite and is no longer a housekeeper as she receives a monthly check for keeping her mouth shut. Trump claims his three anchor babies – Izana, Enrique and Donaldo Trump, Jr. -  as dependents on his tax return.

Were this to get out it could be a crushing blow to the Trump presidency. His loyal base is willing to overlook all kinds of heinous behavior as long as it’s done with racist intent. Taking care of a Mexican family would cause them to seriously question the purity of Trump’s racism.

It would also be a crushing blow to Donald Trump, Jr., as his father clearly favors Donaldo.

Last week Trump threatened to close down the southern border. We know he’s not really bothered by illegal immigrants because he employs them and marries them. His least favorite wife was the American one.

Despite his non-stop ranting about drugs, we know he doesn’t give a shit if people live or die. In fact, he quite enjoys fighting with dead people.

What’s really behind his beef with Mexico?

Wonder no longer because Donna Troy has spent literally minutes imagining things. Did you know Mexico is the only country in North America without a Trump Hotel? While Americans are vacationing in balmy Cancun during the harsh winter months, the Trump International Hotel and Tower in Vancouver is losing money. This also explains his passionate dismantling of the EPA. He needs global warming to make Canada a more appealing travel destination.

A source close to Trump’s inner circle has confirmed his entire presidency was a rouse to encourage people to move to Canada. It was short sighted thinking, however, as people desperate to escape a Trump presidency were unlikely to book rooms at the Trump International Hotel and Tower.

Granted I didn’t actually talk to this source and I don’t know his/her name, but I feel like I heard it somewhere. By watching the Alex Jones deposition I learned “feeling like I heard it somewhere” is a reputable source.

Namaste, Bitches


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