Because I don’t
get my news from random YouTube clips, I’d never heard of Alex Jones before
Trump became a presidential candidate. Alex Jones is one of Trump’s favorite
news sources, almost tying with Fox News and Scott Baio tweets. If you’re one
of those stupid smart people who get your news from the Washington Post or NPR,
I’ll have to explain what an Alex Jones is to you.
Alex Jones is a
fat pompous asshole with a voice eerily similar to Rush Limbaugh. He has a web
series called InfoWars. He spouts ridiculous conspiracy theories, yet considers
himself a respected journalist because he gets his information from credible
sources. Sources like a YouTube user named SparklyGirl89 who is convinced Al
Gore is responsible for September 11th because he never got over the hanging
chads. And no one knows where Al Gore was on September 11th.
Alex Jones has
recently been sued by parents of children killed in the Sandy Hook school
shooting. He has been claiming Sandy Hook was staged, no children were killed
and the parents were crisis actors. It was all part of Obama’s plan to repeal
the Second Amendment and take guns away from responsible gun owners. The
parents, who already suffered the trauma of having their five-year-olds
murdered in cold blood, have been harassed by the deranged viewers of InfoWars.
They have even received death threats from some of the more fervent gun
enthusiasts who fail to see how murder is a pretty good reason to take their
guns from them.
The full
deposition of Alex Jones in this lawsuit is available online. Though I’m not
interested in anything this second rate Rush Limbaugh has to say, I found
myself intrigued as to how he would defend himself under oath. I only intended
to check out a few minutes, but before I knew it I was completely spellbound
and had sat through all three hours of this shit. I shall paraphrase a snippet
of the testimony for your reading pleasure.
Alex Jones: This
all started when Hillary Clinton lost the election. She talked about me on the
campaign trail and the liberals directed the Sandy Hook people to sue me. My
tagline is “You are the resistance.” The liberals stole that from me. Then Pepe
The Frog became a symbol of the alt right. I had nothing to do with that, but
that’s how the media spun it. They show short clips from my show and say, “Alex
Jones and Pepe The Frog claim alleged Sandy Hook victim is alive in Pakistan.”
The Las Vegas shooting was done by covert operators in the Saudi Arabian Civil War.
I have a CIA informant who showed me everything, so that’s been confirmed. The
guy who did the shooting was a patsy and that’s all come out. CNN faked their
coverage of the first Gulf War using a blue screen. Their reporters were never
there and they’ve admitted that. Okay, PizzaGate, that was the media spinning my
words again. I didn’t name the pizza parlor where Killary was conducting the
child sex trafficking. Everyone knows cheese pizza is code for child molesters.
Attorney: Mr.
Jones, the question was who owns InfoWars, LLC?
Alex
Jones: I don’t know.
His testimony
left me with more questions than answers. Like this whole cheese pizza thing.
Is it a plain cheese pizza that means you’re a child molester? Because I really
enjoy a four cheese pizza. Are multiple cheeses innocent or do they stand for
something far more sinister?
Toward the end
of his testimony, Alex Jones said he now believes the Sandy Hook shooting
happened. He developed a sort of psychosis brought on by all the lies
perpetrated by the government and the media. He was so traumatized by all the
lying he came to believe every big news event was staged. It takes a special
kind of asshole to claim he was traumatized by nothing while staring into the
faces of parents whose babies who were brutally murdered.
I can’t help
but notice the irony of a man claiming to be traumatized by the lies of the
government while ardently supporting Donald Trump. I can’t think of anyone who
lies more than Trump and I thought about it for a full two seconds. Perhaps,
I’ve been traumatized by all the Trump lying and failed to recognize it. I
think I feel a psychosis coming on. My nose is stuffy and my throat is
scratchy. It’s either psychosis or allergies. Or the psychosis caused the
allergies because I’ve never had any reaction to pollen season in the past.
My psychosis is
telling me it’s time I uncover the conspiracies behind the Trump lies.
Ladies and Gentleman, Donna Troy
Presents:
WonderWars
Why won’t Trump
release his tax returns? We all know he’s not under audit and there are obvious
reasons he doesn’t want us to see them. He doesn’t pay taxes and he’s not as
rich as he claims. But could there be other reasons not yet uncovered by the
liberal media?
I have it on
good authority by a source with the IRS that Trump has a secret Mexican family.
In 2010 Trump began an affair with an illegal immigrant by the name of Melosia
Something who worked at Mar-A-Lago. To be clear by “a source with the IRS” I
mean I feel like I heard it somewhere.
Melosia
Something worked as a housekeeper before becoming pregnant with the first of
Trump’s three anchor babies. She now resides in a luxurious Mar-A-Lago suite
and is no longer a housekeeper as she receives a monthly check for keeping her
mouth shut. Trump claims his three anchor babies – Izana, Enrique and Donaldo Trump,
Jr. - as dependents on his tax return.
Were this to
get out it could be a crushing blow to the Trump presidency. His loyal base is
willing to overlook all kinds of heinous behavior as long as it’s done with
racist intent. Taking care of a Mexican family would cause them to seriously
question the purity of Trump’s racism.
It would also
be a crushing blow to Donald Trump, Jr., as his father clearly favors Donaldo.
Last week Trump
threatened to close down the southern border. We know he’s not really bothered
by illegal immigrants because he employs them and marries them. His least
favorite wife was the American one.
Despite his
non-stop ranting about drugs, we know he doesn’t give a shit if people live or
die. In fact, he quite enjoys fighting with dead people.
What’s really
behind his beef with Mexico?
Wonder no
longer because Donna Troy has spent literally minutes imagining things. Did you
know Mexico is the only country in North America without a Trump Hotel? While
Americans are vacationing in balmy Cancun during the harsh winter months, the Trump
International Hotel and Tower in Vancouver is losing money. This also explains
his passionate dismantling of the EPA. He needs global warming to make Canada a
more appealing travel destination.
A source close to
Trump’s inner circle has confirmed his entire presidency was a rouse to
encourage people to move to Canada. It was short sighted thinking, however, as
people desperate to escape a Trump presidency were unlikely to book rooms at
the Trump International Hotel and Tower.
Granted I
didn’t actually talk to this source and I don’t know his/her name, but I feel
like I heard it somewhere. By watching the Alex Jones deposition I learned
“feeling like I heard it somewhere” is a reputable source.
Namaste,
Bitches
