Saturday, March 2, 2019

The Trump Stank Redemption

Either Janis Joplin or Jerry Springer once sang, “Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.” With nothing left to lose, Michael Cohen voluntarily appeared before congress to come clean about all the shit he lied about the last time he appeared before congress.

Michael Cohen was Donald J. Trump's attorney for ten years. In that time he threatened and bullied people on behalf of Donald J. Trump. He committed crimes on behalf of Donald J. Trump. He perjured himself on behalf of Donald J. Trump. 

He has recently been sentenced to three years in prison for crimes and perjury he committed on behalf of Donald J. Trump. And Donald J. Trump was all like, “I barely knew the guy. The fake news media likes to call him my lawyer and fixer. They add that, fixer. But he was one of my attorneys. And he made some payments for me, but, and people want to know – were they from campaign. Because that's kind of a big deal if they were from campaign. So he made some payments for me, but I wasn't aware of them. And he did some work for me off and on for something like, ten years maybe. So I barely knew the guy.” It was at this point Michael Cohen realized his employment with Donald J. Trump was, perhaps, a poor career choice.

If you didn't have seven hours in the middle of a weekday to watch the Michael Cohen testimony, I highly recommend you go to your YouTube and watch it immediately. Well, immediately after you read this blog. I did go to all the trouble of writing it. Anyway, it was the best show on television all week. And don't tell me you don't have seven hours to watch it. Everybody watches TV in seven hour stints now. If we didn't, binge watching wouldn't be a phrase in our common vernacular. If you're going to be stubborn about it, at least watch the opening and closing statements of Elijah Cummings, Jim Jordan, and Michael Cohen. And while you're watching Jim Jordan self righteously express his revulsion for liars, you should know Jim Jordan lied to protect a man who sexually abused students when he was a wrestling coach at Ohio State. 

Here is everything you need to know about the activity between the opening and closing statements.

Knowing people would be leery of believing a convicted liar, Michael Cohen brought validating documentation to the hearing. Things like financial statements clearly proving Trump committed bank fraud. And checks signed by Donald Trump and Donald Trump, Jr. to reimburse Cohen for the Stormy Daniels pay off. 

Republicans desperate to save Trump asked who would write a check when committing a crime. Jerry Springer. Jerry Springer did that. I think we all know Donald Trump is just Jerry Springer in reverse. Springer went from politician to trashy TV host. Trump went from trashy TV host to politician. When Jerry Springer was the mayor of Cincinnati he paid a hooker with a check. Which begs the question, what kind of hooker accepts checks? If I may offer some advice to any prostitutes who may be reading this: Never accept a check from a pervert. You have no legal recourse if a trick gives you a bad check. Think, ladies.

Regardless of Michael Cohen's past lies, his testimony at the hearing rings true of what we already know of Donald Trump based on his own public behavior. He's a racist self-serving con-artist. I take no pity on Michael Cohen nor any other Trump enabler. Trump couldn't have risen to power without his many enablers. I mean, I could declare myself Queen of America, but it's meaningless without people willing to say, “Yes, Donna Troy is my queen and no man's law shall stop me from fulfilling the queen's will.” Although, if Michael Cohen is looking for someone new to enable, I could use some help getting this whole queen thing off the ground.

Anyway, Trump's current enablers, republican house members, remained strong in their conviction that Michael Cohen shouldn't be believed because he lied to protect Trump the last time he appeared before congress. You see, they believe Cohen lied when he told them Trump wasn't involved in the Stormy Daniels payment, therefore, he must be lying now when he says Trump was involved in the Stormy Daniels payment. And while making this convoluted argument, they displayed the kind of hysterical faux outrage that's usually followed by flying furniture on The Jerry Springer Show.

And now I would like to address NC Rep. Mark Meadows. Because telling white people when they're being racist is apparently my job now. (Dear White People, Dear White Trash, Sans Regret). Mark Meadows strongly objected to Cohen's assertion that Trump is racist. To prove Trump is not racist, Mark Meadows found a black lady who works for Trump and paraded her around like a slave on an auction block. Later, Representative Rashida Tlaib said it was totally racist to parade that lady around like a slave on an auction block. And Mark Meadows had a totally racist meltdown.

He shouted to Elijah Cummings, “Mr. Chairman, you are my black friend. Now, you tell them I'm not racist. You know me. Tell them, Black Guy, tell them I'm not racist. My nieces and nephews are people of color. Not many people know that.”

Now please excuse me while I write an open letter to Mark Meadows.

Dear Mark Meadows,

Why have you been keeping the ethnicity of your nieces and nephews secret? Because it kind of sounds like you're ashamed. Regardless, having relatives of color doesn't prove you aren't racist. President Obama once spoke of the racist shit his white grandma used to spew.

Also, losing your shit when someone calls you racist is a pretty clear sign that you're racist. It's like on Orange is the New Black when Pennsatucky was in the mental ward. And she kept banging against the walls shouting, “I'm not crazy.” And the nurse said, “If you weren't crazy you wouldn't have to try so hard to convince people that you're not crazy.”

Stay cool, Whitey.

Kind Regards,
Donna Troy

Undeterred by facts or evidence, the republicans continued in their vain attempts to discredit Cohen's testimony. And they somehow believed John Dean's appearance on CNN the previous evening would do that. I don't think reminding people of a key witness in Real Watergate is a wise move during Stupid Watergate. You may recall John Dean was Nixon's attorney. When he testified against Nixon republican senators chose not to believe him either. Then the Nixon tapes were released and Dean's testimony was corroborated verbatim. John Dean also served time in federal prison for crimes he committed on behalf of Richard M. Nixon.

During his CNN appearance John Dean offered the advice he would give to Michael Cohen if asked. And the republican house members decided the unsolicited advice of John Dean was their gotcha moment. They repeatedly questioned Cohen about the advice he received from John Dean. Despite there being no proof John Dean or Michael Cohen have ever met. And despite having no way of knowing if Michael Cohen was even watching CNN that night. So Michael Cohen said he's never spoken to John Dean. And he wasn't watching CNN that night. Although, if I may offer some unsolicited advise to Michael Cohen: John Dean is the only other person alive who's been in your exact situation. You'd be wise to reach out to him for advice. You can trust me. I give dependable unsolicited advice. Previously in this very blog, I offered excellent unsolicited business advice to hookers.

Despite the best stupid efforts of the republican house members, Michael Cohen rather credibly implicated the Trump family in crimes we were already pretty sure they committed. It was a bad day for Donald Trump, Donald Trump, Jr., Ivanka Trump, Jared Kushner, and possibly, Eric Trump. I mean, Eric's name came up once or twice, but I'm still not really sure what he does.

It was also a bad day for Sean Hannity. He wasn't mentioned during the hearing, but Michael Cohen only had two other clients besides Donald Trump: Some guy who's name I've forgotten and don't feel like looking up and Sean Hannity. Trump enablers increasingly find themselves in prison and no one enables Trump more than Sean Hannity.

Now please excuse me while I write an open letter to Sean Hannity.

Dear Sean Hannity,

Tick Tock, Motherfucker.

Best Wishes,
Donna Troy

It was a great day to be Tiffany Trump, however. For once being the bastard child your father never wanted and consistently ignores didn't lead someone on a road toward prison. Or an appearance on The Jerry Springer Show.

Namaste, Bitches


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