Sunday, September 29, 2019

When The Whistle Blows

Remember when those Twilight books came out and adult women started treating them like recommendations from Oprah’s fucking book club, instead of the trashy teen novels they are. I had a co-worker who hated to read, but liked vampires so she decided to try reading one. She came to work one morning all excited to tell me she read fifty pages the night before. And I had to be a bitch about it. Well, I guess I didn’t have to, but I am what I am. I said, “I’d be very proud of you if you were nine. But you’re in your thirties. Reading fifty pages of anything shouldn’t be a challenge. I’m afraid it’s not the life defining achievement you think it is.”

Now please excuse me while I write an open letter to people who claimed to be “too busy” to read The Mueller Report.

Dear Damn Bunch Of Liars,

You know who you are. You didn’t have time to read The Mueller Report, but you read every one of those stupid Twilight books.

Fuck you. Fuck Edward. Fuck Jacob. Fuck Bella. Fuck sparkling vampires.

Warm Regards,
Donna Troy

This brings me to The Whistleblower Complaint. In the few days since it’s release support for a Trump impeachment inquiry has blown up. It pleases me to know Americans found the time to read all nine pages. Because Trump’s own attorney couldn’t be bothered to read it. When asked about it by The Fox and Friends, Giuliani replied, “Let’s say it was read to me.” What the fuck does that even mean?

Now please excuse me while I write an open letter to Donald Trump.

Dear Former President Trump,

I don’t really want to give you advice because, you know, fuck you. But you should consider investing in a defense attorney who is familiar with the phrase, “no comment.”

Best of Luck,
Donna Troy

For those who may have gotten behind with the breakneck speed of news last week, I’m about to break it down. Check it.

A little over a week ago, congress became aware of a Whistleblower Complaint alleging the president threatened to withhold aid from Ukraine unless they dig up some dirt on Joe Biden.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi went to the Acting Director of National Intelligence, Joe Maguire and said, “Dude, where the fuck is this Whistleblower Complaint?”

And Joe was all like, “Don’t worry about it. It’s all good, Nancy. I got the complaint and I took it up to the White House to get advice on how to proceed. Attorney General Bill Barr said it’s covered under executive privilege. Then I checked with Rudy Giuliani and he concurred with Bill Barr. Then I checked with the president and he said he doesn’t remember hiring me. Therefore, I can’t give you the Whistleblower Complaint due to executive privilege.”

Then Nancy’s eye started to twitch and she said, “So you showed the Whistleblower Complaint to the three people for whom the whistle blows. Got it.”

Nancy called a press conference where she proclaimed, “We’re about to impeach this motherfucker.”

This prompted Mitch McConnell to request a meeting with Trump. Mitch was all like, “Mr. President, I’m so sorry to have to do this, but I must ask you to release some sort of transcript of the call with the Ukrainian president. It doesn’t need to be the full transcript. Just release the good parts so the American people will believe you did nothing wrong. I tried to get the senate under control, but there appears to be some sort of limit to my evil powers. Believe me, Mr. President, I’m just as surprised as you are.”

And Trump was all like, “Mitch, it’s fine. Don’t even worry about it. I mean, I don’t really expect that much from you if I’m being honest. You’ve been in politics for what? You’re whole life almost and you’re still stuck in the senate, where you really don’t have all that much power. And look at me, I got on my escalator one day and I thought to myself, I thought, you know Obama doesn’t have an ounce of my class or my very good brains and he got to be a black president. And a black president isn’t as good as a white president because he’s always got this blackness hanging over him, you know. So I said, if Obama can do it, Trump can do it. And I did it. I won the largest electoral landslide in history. Did you know that, Mitch?”

Uh, no, I didn’t know that, Mr. President. Getting back to the call with President Zelensky-”

Yeah, yeah, I’ll take care of it. I’ll get with Rudy and we’ll put something together. I’ll call it a phony collusion witch hunt. People love that. This whole thing will blow over just like the Mueller thing. Even I thought I was fucked with that one. But the American people didn’t read the report. It’s like they love me so much, they didn’t want to read the report.”

The next day Trump released an edited memo detailing his call with President Zelensky. He stated the call was beautiful and perfect. Though, I’ve never heard a phone call described in such a manner before, I’m inclined to agree.

It went something like this:

Trump: Hello, President Ukraine. I want to congratulate you on winning the election. I hear it was historic. We have that in common, you know. I won one of the most historic elections ever. It’s like nothing no one has seen before.

Zelensky: Thank you, Mr. Trump. The election was actually three months ago. You called to congratulate me then. Perhaps, you don’t remember. Also, my name is Volodymyr Zelensky. Ukraine is the name of our country. But I’m sure you knew that.

Trump: Who cares? You’re the president of Ukraine so I happen to think President Ukraine is a very appropriate thing to call you. I’m a very busy guy, you know. We have business to discuss. I didn’t call to argue over what you think your name is. This is a long distance call, by the way. The United States is picking up the tab for this call.

Zelensky: Of course, Mr. Trump. Ukraine very much wants to have good relations with United States. As I’m sure you know, two decades ago our nation agreed to give up nuclear weapons at the urging of the U.S. In exchange, the U.S. promised to give us security assistance. Russia has taken part of our land and slaughtered our people. Please to help us.

Trump: I need a favor from you, though. We’ve been very good to you. Very, very good to you. And it hasn’t exactly been reciprocal. Reciprocal is considered a big word in English. I don’t know if you knew that. I’m like a smart guy. I know words. I have, like, a very good brain. Reciprocal means you need to investigate Joe Biden and his son. I heard they did some things that were maybe a bit corrupt with your former prosecutor. I’m hearing from many different people that Biden was, like, bragging about this. That’s what people are telling me. And it’s really, in a way it’s kind of sad. This Hunter Biden, he’s Joe’s only surviving child. I don’t know if you knew that. He started with three and now he’s down to one. He can’t even keep his own kids alive. Believe me, that’s not the kind of guy you want in the White House. He can’t even protect his own kids. How’s he going to protect the Ukraine? I have five kids and they’re all alive. Don Jr., Eric and The Other Girl could all die tomorrow and I wouldn’t really miss them if I’m being honest. But I’d still have more living children than Biden. Joe’s been married twice. I don’t know if you knew that. His first wife died and that may be the one thing he did better than me. I have two ex-wives. And with ex-wives, I have to pay them. But with a dead wife, you receive a life insurance payment. So in that regard, it makes more sense financially to have a dead wife than an ex-wife.

Zelensky: Yes, of course, Mr. Trump. We will cooperate in any investigation. I have met with Mr. Giuliani and he has brought such issues to my attention.

Trump: You know Rudy is investigating the oranges of the Mueller probe. It was a complete and total witch hunt perpetrated by the democrats. People are telling me, they say Hillary Clinton’s email server is actually in Ukraine. I’m hearing this from many, many people. The democrats actually hacked their own server to start this phony Russia collusion witch hunt to make Trump look bad. So it’s very, very important to me to get to the oranges of the Mueller probe.

Zelensky: Yes, Mr. Trump. I will help in any way I can. As I stated before, my people are being murdered and we need your help.

Trump: I really, I hate to have to say this, but maybe Joe Biden has something to do with that. I heard his first wife and two of his children mysteriously died. That’s a little strange. Don’t you think? Maybe there’s something to be found in Hillary Clinton’s emails that will explain all this. I don’t know. But people are telling me it’s very suspicious. That’s what I’m hearing. So, you’ll get with the attorney general and Rudy Giuliani and see what you can find out.

Zelensky: And you will provide aid to my country?

Trump: Look, you scratch my back and we’ll see if my itch goes away.

Trump was disturbed to discover releasing this memo, clearly showing he committed an impeachable crime, has done nothing to stop his impeachment. In fact, it has accelerated impeachment proceedings.

At a loss for what to do, Trump has declared Nancy Pelosi is no longer the House Speaker and has called for the execution of the Whistleblower. But since he has no power to enforce either of those things, he went on a Twitter tirade.

Now please excuse me while I troll Trump on Twitter.

Namaste, Bitches


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