Wednesday, April 6, 2016

The Cheese Stands Alone

Cheese is made in Wisconsin. The people of Wisconsin are very proud of their cheese. In fact, they are so proud of their cheese they wear it on their heads. Do you know how cheese is made? Neither do I, but I have a vague memory of something I learned in school or I learned from Mister Rogers or my brother told me.

You start with dairy in an okay state. You let it go bad. You let it go bad some more and... cheese. But after a while it goes bad again. In the lifespan of cheese there is only a small window when it's something acceptable. It eventually turns into a green, furry, moldy block that smells like a fart. (It seems more likely this information came from my brother than Mister Rogers.)

Donald Trump is basically cheese. In the eighties, he was a pompous rich guy with some tacky gold buildings. This was his okay state. Not great, but okay as far as pompous rich guys go. Then he cheated on his wife and got into a nine hundred million dollar debt situation. This was his going bad. Then he starred in a reality show, discovered Twitter and dedicated an obscene amount of time attempting to prove his theory that Barack Obama is a pod person or something equally as stupid. This was his going bad some more. Then in the beginning of an already insane primary season where forty-seven people were running for the Republican nomination, Trump announced his candidacy. He was a crazy, pompous, rich celebrity spouting idiotic rhetoric with no basis in reality. It was hilarious. It was cheese.

Like most people, I never believed Trump had a chance. I severely overestimated the intelligence and compassion of a frighteningly large amount of voters. Over the past ten months, Donnie has attacked Mexicans, the disabled, Muslims, POW's, African-Americans, China, Syrian refugees, protestors, journalists, Univision, the stupid people of Iowa and Megyn Kelly to name a few. None of this has mattered to his supporters. This moldy fart became the Republican front-runner.

However, over the past few weeks it seems Trump's hateful bullshit has finally caught up with him. The people of Wisconsin aren't digging his attacks on women, his idiotic remarks about nuclear weapons and his defense for the campaign manager who manhandled a reporter. I fucking love Wisconsin right now. Guess what, asshole? You're a loser.

It's not over. We still have three long months to go before the convention. Obviously, a lot of people have voted for and are still supporting Donald Trump. But who are these poorly educated people who didn't realize Trump was insulting them because they are so poorly educated? I only know one person who openly admits to being a Trump supporter. The person is a slovenly redneck who breathes heavy. It sounds like a stereotype, but it's true. Support for Trump is like herpes. We know a lot of people have it, but very few admit it.

To get an idea of the type of people who are voting for Trump, I'm taking a look at the D-List celebrities who have endorsed him. Perhaps, this will give us some insight into what is causing this epidemic of ignorance.

Scott Baio

Chachi, Chachi, Chachi. You're ruining my childhood, you jackass. Baio said he likes Trump because, "he talks like me." No one wants a fucking President who talks like Chachi. And if we did want a President who talks like a sitcom character we would obviously choose Fonzie. "My fellow Americans, aaayyy...." Everyone knows Fonzie is the coolest.

Other than he's Chachi, the only thing I know about Baio is he's a womanizer who banged his way through the cast of Baywatch, Hasselhoff included. (I could be wrong about the Hasselhoff thing, but I don't care.)

Dennis Rodman

Cross-dressing friend of Kim Jong-un.

One of the Duck Dynasty Guys

Crusty redneck capable of killing ducks, yet hasn't mastered a razor.

Kid Rock

He's an alcoholic who got into a fight in a Waffle House. Every drunk in the South knows you go to Waffle House to eat greasy food and sober up. Waffle House is a place of peace and cheese grits, dammit. I hate him for supporting Trump. I hate him for besmirching the good name of Waffle House. However, Bawitdaba, da bang, da dang diggy diggy, diggy, said the boogie, said up jump the boogie, are still the coolest song lyrics ever.

Mike Tyson

A cannibal, woman-beating rapist.

Gary Busey

Brain damage.

Ted Nugent

Gun toting, one-hit wonder who adopted a teenage girl so he could screw her. If any scientific researchers are reading this, please work on a cure for Cat Scratch Fever. No one should have been infected with this disease for more than fifteen minutes back in 1977.

After all this extensive research I've come to the conclusion that the average Trump supporter is a brain-damaged, cross-dressing, alcoholic, redneck, rapey, pedophiliac womanizer who has a taste for human flesh and hangs out with terrorist dictators.

That's some funky bad cheese.

Namaste, Bitches


guytroy2579 said:
Hey, this is your brother. So, I've heard that The Nuge can really cut the cheese. Not only that, but he said he shit his pants to avoid the draft. I guess he's only a bad-ass rifleman when nothing is shooting back at him. *mic drop*


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