Wednesday, May 25, 2016

It Takes a Village... The Unauthorized Biogrpahy of Hillary Clinton

Deliver Us from Evil
The Unauthorized Biography of Hillary Rodham Clinton

I've wanted to write a biography of Hillary Clinton ever since I finished writing the biography of Donald Trump. More importantly, I wanted to write a biography which paints Hillary Clinton in a flattering light with no flaws. Of course, she has flaws like everyone else, but unlike everyone else her flaws are over-exaggerated way beyond the point of absurdity. And frankly, it annoys the shit out of me. (See: Lasso of Truth, In Her Satin Tights, Fighting For Your Rights... and You Got to Know When to Hold 'Em.)

Fortunately, Donald Trump has changed the definitions of "credible sources" and "facts." (See: The Art of a Deal... With the Devil.) Donnie makes false claims such as, having the number one show on television, and no one challenges him on it. Ergo, I can make false claims such as, Hillary Clinton was the first person to dip chocolate in peanut butter thus, discovering the two great tastes that taste great together. This unauthorized biography of Hillary Clinton will be the greatest unauthorized biography God ever created.

Miracle On North Ashland St.
Less than a year after Mary Anne Trump gave birth, the news of the demon spawn's arrival quickly spread to Paradise Island, home of the Amazon women. Queen Hippolyta had a vision on a mountain or in a cave or wherever Amazon queens have visions. In Hippolyta's vision of the future she saw the demon spawn rise to power where he obliterated most of the world with a nuclear attack. He deported all Americans with skin tone darker than orange to Mexico, then built a wall to prevent them from returning. Most frighteningly of all, he created a race of chinless Stepford Women with boob implants so ridiculously large they could barely walk upright. The demon spawn declared, "It's very hard for a flat-chested woman to be a '10.' " Queen Hippolyta knew it was once again up to the Amazons to save all humankind. Having already sent her only daughter, Princess Diana, to defeat Hitler, Hippolyta sent the clone of her only daughter, Donna Troy, to defeat the demon spawn.

(Princess Diana is Wonder Woman, Princess of the Amazons. Princess Diana, Princess of Wales is a different person whom the demon spawn, a.k.a. Trump, may have killed. Also, Donna Troy, clone of Princess Diana, a.k.a. Wonder Woman, isn't me. I'm not an immortal Amazon princess... yet.)

Donna Troy traveled to Chicago where she met Hugh and Dorothy Rodham who were expecting their first child. Hugh was a small business owner and a Republican. The Republican Party of 1947 was much different than the Republican Party of today. Being a Republican didn't automatically make one an asshole. Dorothy Rodham had a rough childhood. Her parents were crazy and they ultimately sent Dorothy and her siblings to live with their grandparents who were even crazier. At the age of fourteen, Dorothy was totally over it. She left home and supported herself as a housekeeper earning three dollars a week at the height of The Great Depression. Dorothy also worked out a deal with her employer so she could attend high school. (Stamp that shit on your women's card, Donnie.)

Donna Troy knew she found the perfect family to nurture the Amazon Goddess who would ultimately defeat the demon spawn. Donna sprinkled magical Amazon dust on Dorothy and on October 26, 1947, Hillary Diane Rodham, future first woman President of the United States, was born.

In 1947, Jackie Robinson became the first African American signed to a major league contract. Racial barriers, which had held our country back for centuries and oppressed millions, began breaking down upon Hillary Rodham's birth.

Also, in 1947, just a few short months after Hillary Rodham's birth, Meet the Press debuted on NBC. I'm not saying the birth of Hillary Rodham had anything to do with the success of Meet the Press. I'm just saying there aren't a lot of TV shows still airing today that began in 1947.

The Wonder Years
Hillary Rodham's childhood was that of a typical overachiever, which one would have to be in order to become the first woman President of the United States. She participated in the Girl Scouts, the student council, the school newspaper, the National Honor Society and the Justice League.

At the age of thirteen and still living in a Republican household, Hillary Rodham did canvassing work for the Nixon campaign in Chicago during the 1960 presidential election. This was before Nixon crossed over to the dark side. Nixon was more Anakin Skywalker in 1960.

In 1965, Hillary Rodham began attending Wellesley College, majoring in political science. Wellesley is a private women's college, much like Paradise Island is private Amazon women's island. It's been speculated Hillary Rodham spent her college years learning to be both a political leader and an Amazon Warrior. Unfortunately, our deeply misogynist patriarchal society doesn't award degrees for Badass Amazon Warrior shit.

Also, in 1965, Days of Our Lives debuted on NBC. It's the only soap opera still airing on NBC. It can't be confirmed if Hillary Rodham's Badass Amazon Warrior shit has anything to do with the longevity of Days of Our Lives. However, it's been suggested that Hillary's very existence is somehow connected to the longevity of Meet the Press. While we're on the subject of Days of Our Lives, would you people please quit fucking around with the back story of John Black? Seriously, Donna Troy's origins are easier to follow and Donna Troy's origins aren't easy to follow.

In 1968, Hillary attended the Republican National Convention. Hillary was repulsed by the "veiled" racist messages of the Republican Party. Badass Amazon Warriors can sense when some dark shit is about to go down. Hillary left the Republican Party. Forever. Shortly after Rodham's departure Nixon went all Darth Vader in that motherfucker.

Also, in 1968, NBC aired the famous Elvis '68 Comeback Special. It was the highest rated show on NBC that year. Is Hillary Rodham's rejection of the Republican Party connected with the comeback of Elvis Presley? Let's look at the facts. Twenty-four years later, presidential candidate and husband of the future first woman President, William Jefferson Clinton, would perform "Heartbreak Hotel" on The Arsenio Hall Show.

After earning her degree at Wellesley, Rodham began attending Yale Law School in 1969. Most people agree admission into Yale Law School is way more impressive than admission to the Wharton School of Business. Yale Law School produces presidents, such as President William Jefferson Clinton and future first woman President Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Also, in 1969, Neil Armstrong became the first man to walk on the moon. Hillary Rodham is the only future first woman President of the United States to have witnessed the moon landing on TV. When it happened, of course. Future non-first women presidents will be able to watch it on YouTube anytime they want.

While attending Yale, Hillary met Bill Clinton in 1971. He first proposed to her after they graduated from Yale in 1973. Hillary declined stating, "You gots to work for this, Bubba."

The West Wing
She finally married Bill on October 11, 1975, and became known as Hillary Rodham Clinton. Also, on October 11, 1975, Saturday Night Live debuted on NBC. Another long running NBC show with a connection to Hillary Clinton. And the title of this section of Clinton's biography is The West Wing, which is another successful NBC show. What's up with that?

Through the latter part of the Seventies and all through the Eighties, the Clintons lived in Arkansas. Bill became governor. They had a daughter, Chelsea. Hillary continued her legal work and began getting more involved in public work. She aided in bringing about change to important causes such as child welfare, foster care, education, the environment, healthcare and the failing NBC primetime line-up of the late Seventies and early Eighties. Clinton was also the first person in the whole world to solve a Rubik's Cube. It was during these years that Republican leaders first started to feel itchy around Hillary Clinton. They were suspicious of a First Lady who had goals beyond hosting dinners at the Governor's Mansion and some of them had been fans of Hello, Larry.

(If you're under forty, you didn't get the Hello, Larry joke. Hello, Larry was a notoriously bad sitcom on NBC. It was notoriously bad due to the stupid decisions of the star, McLean Stevenson. Stevenson had been on M.A.S.H. He left the hit series because he wasn't the star. Since M.A.S.H. took place in a war the producers killed his dumbass off ensuring his dumbass could never return. This led to Stevenson starring in Hello, Larry with a Harlem Globe Trotter. M.A.S.H. it was not. Fun fact: Kim Richards played one of the daughters on Hello, Larry. Richards can currently be seen as a drunken mess on the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.)

This brings us to 1992, when Governor Bill Clinton ran for President. His opponents were incumbent President George H. W. Bush and an eccentric billionaire named H. Ross Perot. Campaigning was relatively easy for Bill Clinton because his opponents were ridiculous people. Clinton also had a secret weapon, Hillary.

During the campaign, the Clintons had an interview with 60 Minutes. Hillary made the following statement: "I'm not sitting here – some little woman standing by my man like Tammy Wynette." Badass Amazonians everywhere rejoiced. However, this statement set off itchy Republican trigger fingers. Republican voters from Louisiana all the way to Alabama were pissed. Country music fans, women with no self-esteem, The Nashville Network, misogynistic assholes, and Tammy Wynette all lost their shit. For the record, Tammy Wynette was married five times. Her song should have been called, "Stand By A Man."

(Note: The Nashville Network no longer exists. Viacom turned it into Spike, a network for men. Did someone say vast rightwing conspiracy?)

In November of 1992, Bill Clinton won the presidential election. Hillary Clinton became the first future first woman President of the United States to be First Lady.

Also in 1992, Dateline NBC made its debut. A show which still airs today and is notable for catching predators. You know who's really good at catching predators? Badass Amazon Warriors. Coincidence? No.

For the next eight years, Hillary Clinton used her position as First Lady to bring significant and remarkable change to the world. The Internet, the computer mouse, voicemail, DVDs, cell phones and Vanilla Coke were all used at the White House for the first time when the Clintons were in office.

Hillary Clinton was the first First Lady to have an office in the West Wing. Instead of redecorating the White House like many a First Lady before her, Hillary helped Bill do president shit. Thanks to Hillary's efforts, the Nineties were a time of peace and prosperity. She also devoted a great amount of her time and resources to reforming healthcare, which has always been fucked up in America despite the current vast rightwing conspiracy that blames Obama for your rash. Republicans literally got itchy trigger fingers over Hillary's healthcare work. So much so that Hillary had to wear a bulletproof vest during a bus tour in 1994. (Fact.) Fortunately, Hillary possesses the Amazonian skill of dodging bullets. And I'm happy to report not a single American died from Polio, Scurvy, Rickets, the Zika virus or demonic possession during the Clinton Administration.

We all know the late Nineties weren't a good time for the Clintons. I'm going to gloss over that whole situation the same way Ben Carson glosses over Donald Trump's crazy. There are two Bill Clintons. One of them is in love with an Amazon Warrior Goddess who will be the first woman President of the United States. The other one has a thing for white trash chicks.

The year 2000 was the final year of the Clinton Administration. It was the year that almost wasn't, but Hillary was able to prevent Y2K from happening with Badass Amazon Technology shit.

In November of 2000, Al Gore won the presidential election and George W. Bush became the forty-third President of the United States.

House of Cards
Immediately following the Clinton Administration, Donna Troy came back to the United States with a message for Hillary that Queen Hippolyta had sent for her. Donna and Hillary flew to Paradise Island via invisible jet. They were met at the airport by Princess Diana, a.k.a. Wonder Woman, who escorted them to the palace.

The ladies had a lovely dinner with the queen and perhaps had pie for dessert. After dinner, Queen Hippolyta told Hillary of the existence of the demon spawn and her vision of his rise to power. To which Hillary responded, "Oh yeah, I know that guy. He tried to sell me a steak at a Sharper Image."

The Queen then explained how Hillary would defeat him by becoming the first woman President of the United States. Hillary loved the idea and especially loved the thought of defeating the demon spawn with some Badass Amazon Warrior shit. Although she wondered aloud why the Queen didn't send Diana or Donna to be President. The Queen explained, "Diana was born on an island no one has heard of and Donna is her clone. Neither has a U.S. birth certificate and that would cause some shit." (And yes, the Queen said it would cause some shit. That's how the queen talks. Because she's the queen and she can say whatever the fuck she wants.)

The Queen then detailed the path to the presidency. First, Hillary would need to become a senator in New York, the demon spawn's home state. New York has a lot of electoral votes and this would take away the demon's advantage. Next, Hillary would run for President in 2008, but she wouldn't win. This run was only practice to prepare to go against the demon spawn. After that, Hillary would become Secretary of State for a term, then rest up for the battle with the demon spawn.

Hillary Clinton returned to the United States and did all that shit.

While Hillary was doing all that shit, the demon spawn starred in a reality show on none other than NBC. He thinks his show makes him hot shit, but the joke's on him. Hillary's ties with the Peacock Network go all the way back to 1947. In fact, NBC stands for Nobody Beats Clinton.

Hillary Clinton entered the race for the Democratic nomination for President in 2015. Shortly after, the demon spawn entered the race for the Republican nomination. The battle may be rough. The demon spawn knows lots of dirty tricks and is a notoriously sore loser. He recently came up with a new clever name for Clinton, "Heartless Hillary." This was on the same day he pledged to do away with gun-free zones while Hillary was meeting with the mother of Trayvon Martin.

The demon spawn hates women because some women are flat-chested and therefore have nothing of value to contribute to society. And also because women who aren't flat-chested won't date him just because he calls them a "10." The demon spawn believes he'll win the election because Hillary is playing the "women's card." What he doesn't know is Hillary doesn't play cards like some trick hanging outside a Trump Casino. She's been at Paradise Island learning Badass Amazon Warrior shit. And Badass Amazon Warrior shit trumps all the cards he's got up his four-thousand dollar sleeve.

When Hillary Clinton defeats the demon spawn in November he probably won't take it well. He's been reported as a notoriously sore loser and a woman-hater. When he loses to a woman he might actually burst into flames. In which case Hillary Clinton's acceptance speech on election night might begin like this: "We don't need no water. Let the motherfucker burn."

Namaste, Bitches


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