George
W. Bush used to be the worst spoken president in United States history.
Obviously, Trump has since claimed the title. I recently read both Hillary
Clinton's book, What Happened and Michael Wolff's book, Fire and Fury.
Both books made note of Bush's response to Trump's creepy “American Carnage”
inauguration speech. Bush said simply, “That was some weird shit.” For the
first time I found myself laughing with W. and not at him. However, he's still not
excused for this: “There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas,
probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool
me — you can't get fooled again.”
Speaking
of fools, Donald Trump has been working on a review/rebuttal to Fire and
Fury. Through my super special secret society connections, I've obtained a
copy for your reading pleasure. Enjoy.
Only A Total Loser Would Read This Book, by President Donald J. Trump
Folks,
first of all, I didn't read this book. Only a loser would. People are saying,
“Oh no, Trump can't read. He doesn't use a teleprompter. His aides tell
him what's in the newspaper.” I'm like a smart guy, okay. Let me just tell you,
I read as little as possible, okay. It's bad for your eyes. No one wants to see
a president wearing reading glasses. It looks weak. The president cannot look
weak. So I had my top aide, Hope Hicks, read the book and tell me what's in it.
She's also typing up this review. She's one of the great, great typists. We're
going to post this on Amazon. Jesus, Hope, you weren't supposed to type that.
I'm telling you we're going to post this on Amazon. I know I said to type
everything I say, but also, don't. No, I don't want you to post it now. We just
started. If you weren't a such great piece of ass, you'd be out of here.
First
of all, I've never met Michael Wolff. That I can tell you. I've never spoken to
him. I couldn't even tell you what that Dr. Evil-looking motherfucker looks
like. He claims I reached out to him because I liked what he said about me on
CNN. And perhaps, if he said something nice about me, I said something nice to
him. But probably not. I don't watch CNN. It's fake news and I wouldn't trust
someone on CNN just because he said something nice about me. But I would say
something nice about someone who said something nice about me because I'm like
a nice guy. I really am. People think, “Oh, Trump is so tough because he's in
real estate and now he's in politics.” And yeah, I'm tough, but also, I'm very
nice. I get along with everyone. I'm like one of the great, if not the
greatest, communicator. And that's what people love about me.
Now that this book has come out, written by a man
no one has heard of before. And I'm like, where did this guy come from? He
could have been living in a basement in Iowa making this up for all anyone
knows. And I've heard Clinton and Obama may have paid him to write this book.
That's what I'm hearing. People are telling me this. What a couple of sore
losers.
Anyway, no one wants anything to do with Sloppy Steve Bannon anymore.
This guy is finished. And now he wants back in. He's all, “I'm so sorry, Mr.
Trump. My words were taken out of context. I never meant to offend you.” I
couldn't believe it, folks. I mean, this guy was, like, on his knees begging.
It was like, it was incredible. And I was like, “Steve, I can't. I just can't
take you back. I'd lose all credibility. I've only ever hired one person back
and that was LaToya Jackson. You're no LaToya Jackson, Steve.” And I said,
“Besides, according to the book, which is all lies, you accepted a job offer
from Roger Ailes while you were still working for Trump. Yeah, I know all about
that, Steve. You, Ailes, Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity were going to start
your own network. What a genius move that was. Roger Ailes was dead before he
fucking died.”
Let
me tell you, I am going to sue the pants off this Wolff guy. When my lawyers
get through with him, he'll be so poor he'll be playing golf on a public course.
No one will ever hire him again once they know how he lied about Trump. Not
even fake news CNN or the failing New York Times will have anything to do with
him. And, you may not know this folks, I own the copyright to fire and fury. I
said it long before this clown ever wrote a book. I said if North Korea makes any
more threats they will be met with a fire and fury the likes of which the world
has never seen. I told my attorneys to trademark it right after the press
conference. It was the first thing I said to them. I said to them, I said, “Did
you hear that? Fire and fury. That was brilliant. Make sure I own that.”
What
do you mean that was in the book, Hope? That I trademarked the phrase? Oh, that
I said it. So he admits Trump said it. Perfect, there's my copyright
infringement case right there. Shut the fuck up, Hope. If Trump says he owns
the copyright then Trump owns the copyright. I can do without your input. You
didn't get this job because of your brains. Believe me.
Now,
first of all, this Wolff guy claims I don't like the people who work for me and
they don't like me. I couldn't believe it, folks. It was a total lie. Could not
believe it. Trump hires the best people and they all love Trump. Isn't that
right, Hope? Go ahead and take a moment to tell the people what it's like to
work for Trump. Okay, Mr. Trump, I'm totally
doing that. Abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxy and z, now I know my ABCs... Yeah, I'm
done. Good. Now the people will know the truth.
This
guy is also saying Jared and Ivanka have too much influence and are
inexperienced. I'm like, so what? They're no more inexperienced than I am and I
won the election. And Sloppy Steve Bannon is trying to take credit for my
election. His name wasn't on the ballot. It was all Trump. And Sloppy Steve
told this writer guy Ivanka is dumb. Of all my kids, Ivanka, Don Jr., Eric, the
other girl and Melania's anchor baby, Ivanka is by far the smartest. That I can
tell you. Of course, I would bring my smartest kid into the White House. She
brings a lot to the table. She brings Jared, who is friends with Rupert
Murdoch. Rupert Murdoch is one of the greats.
And yeah, sometimes I take their
advice and sometimes it's not so good. Remember The Mooch? That was Jared's and
Ivanka's genius hire. So I give Jared some busy work like creating peace in the
middle east. This way he stops monopolizing Murdoch's time and Trump and
Murdoch can do some real work. But look,
I wouldn't be the president I am today without my daughter and my son-in-law at
my side. But, also, I probably wouldn't mind if they decided to go back to New
York and sell handbags.
And
first of all, this Wolff guy, who I never met, and Sloppy Steve are trying to
bust my balls over Roger Ailes. They're all like, “Trump wasn't loyal to Ailes.
Ailes made Trump and Trump ditched him for Rupert Murdoch.” First of all, Trump
was huge long before he ever met Roger Ailes. Every time I was on Fox News the
ratings were huge. If anything, Ailes wasn't loyal to me. He went and got
himself fired. Only losers get fired. I've never once been fired from a job. I
don't have time for a loser who's not even running a network. What good is he
to me?
And then, they're all like, “Trump didn't say anything when Ailes died.
He didn't even call his wife.” What was I supposed to do? Call up Beth Ailes
and be like, “So sorry you're husband fucked around and publicly humiliated you
and slipped and fell in the shower. It's such a tragedy to lose a husband too
stupid to take a shower without killing himself.” Please. He left her
everything. She's worth billions. Beth Ailes is fine. She doesn't need anything
from Trump. Believe me.
So first of all, Michael Wolff, who could be Steve
Bannon in disquise for all I know, and Sloppy Steve say Trump is always talking
in the third person. What the hell does that even mean? Like Trump has multiple
personalities or something? Are they trying to say I'm like Sybil, which
is a great movie by the way. Such a shame that Sally Field never won an Oscar
and they're always giving them to overrated Meryl Streep. For fuck's sake,
Hope, I don't need you to tell me how many Oscars Sally Field has. I don't
remember her ever winning one and I have like, one of the great, great
memories. And believe me, they don't give Oscars to Gidget.
First of all, Michael Wolff, who I've never spoken
to in my entire life, and Sloppy Steve said in this horrible book, which no one
is buying, by the way – it's not even on the failing New York Times best seller
list, which The Art of The Deal was at the top of for something like two
years, I think. Anyway, they say I'm easily distracted and I'm always repeating
myself. Let me just tell you, folks, I do not repeat myself. I'll say it again.
I do not repeat myself. But when you're in sales, sometimes you have to repeat
yourself. You have to get the message out and the best way to do that is by
repetition. And right now, I'm the biggest salesman for the United States of
America. I'm selling MAGA. Make American Great Again, folks. Make America Great
Again. It's an excellent business technique. If that Shakespeare wannabe and
Sloppy Steve had ever read The Art of the Deal, the biggest selling
non-fiction book of all time, they would know this. I shouldn't even be hiring
people who haven't read The Art of The Deal. Make a note of that, Hope.
We will only consider cabinet positions for applicants who own a copy of The
Art of The Deal. I don't care who the fuck thinks it's a conflict of
interest, Hope. I've already said the president has no conflicts of interest.
And since I'm the president, done deal.
Now first of all, Shakespeare Wolff, who has never
been in the Oval Office, and Sloppy Steve claim I had a three way with a porn
star named Stormy Daniels and a shark. I'm like, how is that even possible? I
wouldn't even know where to begin to look for a shark's vagina. Not that I'd
want to. I hate sharks. But if we could somehow locate the shark vagina,
perhaps we could find a way to make them sterile and rid the world of sharks
once and for all. Wouldn't that be something? Of course, the fake news would
never give Trump credit for ridding the world of sharks. They'd be all like,
“Trump killed all the sharks and caused global warming.” How stupid can people
be to think global warming is real? It's January and the current temperature,
according to Hope's iPhone, is sixty-five degrees. I'd call that global
luke-warming. Hardly anything to worry about, folks.
Anyway, this ridiculous story about a porn star
and a shark is completely false. And I'd never fuck a porn star bareback. That
I can tell you. I'm like a very germ aware person. Also, people are telling me
that Stormy Daniels isn't even her real name. That's what I'm hearing. What do
you mean none of this was in the book, Hope? Then why did you tell me about it?
I never told you to keep me updated on the news. And even if I did- What magazine? In Touch. Never heard
of it. The only magazine I want to know about is Time. And maybe People.
And definitely Playboy in case I need to find a new first lady.
Now first of all, Shakespeare, who's never spoken
to any member of my cabinet, and Sloppy Steve have alluded that I may be
having an affair with Hope Hicks, and possibly, Nikki Haley. Am I having an
affair with Nikki Haley? Possibly. But then again, maybe not. They said Melania
and I don't sleep in the same bedroom. And I'm like, why would we? It's three
in the morning and Hope is in my bedroom now. We wouldn't be able to get any
work done with Melania here. And quite frankly, once she had that anchor baby
she lost all interest in sex. And really, that's okay. Let's just say I have
plenty of other options, okay. Is Nikki Haley one of them? Maybe. Is Hope? The
night's still young, folks.
They also said Ivanka doesn't like Melania. And
maybe there's some truth to that. She's always saying to me, “Daddy, why can't
you date someone your own age?” Come on. What would I want with a seventy
year-old woman? Like, who gets turned on by grandmothers? It's sick.
Okay, first of all, Shakespeare claims he got all
the information for his book by speaking to everyone in the White House. It's a
complete lie. The only person who spoke to him, and I know this for a fact, is
Sloppy Steve Bannon. That's what I'm hearing all over. People are telling me
this. Bannon is just angry because I fired him. Bannon thought he was smarter
than Trump. Okay. That guy caused me so many headaches. I can't even begin to
tell you.
First of all, he pushed to get Jeff Sessions in as attorney general.
I promised that to Giuliani. But Bannon was all like, “Oh, Mr. Trump, Giuliani
will never get confirmed. Trust me. Beauregard is your man. You won't be sorry.”
So we get Sessions in and the first thing he does – the very first thing – is
recuse himself from the Russia investigation. What good is this guy to me? If
Rudy was in there the Russia story wouldn't even be, like, a thing. Rudy was
the only one who stood by me when the Access Hollywood tape came out. That
wasn't my voice, by the way. It was faked just like the moon landing. These
things can be faked. You can't believe anything, folks. Believe me. There's all
kinds of technology and such.
Don't even get me started on Steve Bannon and
Russia. Squeaky Clean Steve is terrified to get his hands the tiniest bit dirty
with Russia. He thinks he's so tough, but trust me, any time Russia is
mentioned the man runs screaming out of the room. I hate to say it, but he's
really such a pussy. Did you ever see that Seinfeld episode where
there's a fire and George goes running to the exit and knocks down women and
children to save himself? That's what Steve is like every time someone mentions
Russia. I've never seen anything like it.
Sloppy Steve is also very, very squeamish around
the FBI. I couldn't even tell him when I made up my mind to fire James Comey
because I was afraid he'd piss his pants. Steve was all like, “Mr. Trump, you
can't fire the FBI director. You'll be impeached.” And I said to him. I said,
“How could I be impeached? I'm the president. I own the FBI. Boy, you really
need to calm down, Steve. Jared thinks it's a good idea. Ivanka thinks it's a
good idea. It's not like Herbert Hoover is running the FBI anymore. This Comey
guy- he's such a waste.”
Then Steve says to me, he says, “J. Edgar.” And I'm
like, What the hell are you talking about? J. Edgar Who? And he's like J. Edgar
Hoover was the FBI director. And I'm like, no, excuse me, Steve, but we're in
the White House. There's a picture of Herbert Hoover in one of the hallways. I
have what's called a very good brain. The name plate is engraved very clearly
with the the name, Herbert Hoover. And then Steve says to me, “Whatever.”
You
should have seen this guy's office. It was stacked to the ceiling with all
these books about American history and he doesn't even know who the hell
Herbert Hoover is. Believe me, if
reading made you smart, Steve would still have a job. And people are worried
about can Trump read.
Namaste, Bitches
