Access Hollywood - Special Victims Unit

In the celebrity justice system, sexually based offenses are recently considered especially heinous. In Themyscira, the blogger who bitches about these vicious felonies, and her ever shrinking Netflix play list, is a member of an elite squad known as the Special Victims Unit. These are her stories.

My place of employment used to employee a perverted creeper. He was rude, unattractive and stupid. And under the false belief that he was a lady killer. He once received a card from a client and called to ask her out, believing she was flirting with him. Upon speaking with the client, he learned the card was part of a mass mailing she'd sent to all her business contacts. She didn't even know his name. He was humiliated. It was hilarious.

Unfortunately, creepers, undeterred by rejection and humiliation, keep on creeping. One day he made the unwise decision of telling me how much he admired the breasts of another co-worker. He looked me square in the boobs and said, “Her tits are even bigger than yours.” Then he snapped my bra strap. I had been holding an unopened package of copier paper. I threw it at him. He didn't react at all. I assume he was used to women throwing things at him.

 

I reported the incident to Human Resources. My HR representative asked me if I tried to work things out with The Creeper. I said I had not. I didn't think I should have to tell a co-worker he can't touch my underwear. I feel like that's something that should just be understood. She wanted to know exactly what he said to me. So I had to say, “Her tits are bigger than yours,” to someone I barely knew. It was awkward and uncomfortable. It was also inaccurate. My tits are bigger, not that it matters.

As numerous high profile creepers are being outed for their creepiness, idiots and assholes are asking why the women didn't speak up sooner. They did, you idiot and/or asshole. You just weren't listening. Or if you did listen, you said something stupid like, “If you didn't tell the guy it made you uncomfortable when he touched your underwear, how is he supposed to know not to do it?”

Let's take a look at some celebrity creepers who were outed long ago and the way their creepiness was ignored.

1.) Roman Polanski – Admitted to and was convicted of drugging and raping a thirteen year-old girl in 1977. Fled the country to avoid prison. Forty years later, A-list celebrities still work with him. He even won an Oscar in 2002 and received a standing ovation at the ceremony he couldn't attend because he can't returned to the United States without being arrested for the rape of a thirteen year-old girl, a crime he confessed to committing.

2.) Woody Allen – Married his daughter. His defenders are quick to point out this was an adopted daughter. I'm quick to point out marrying someone who calls you Dad is gross. A-list celebrities continue to work with him. I would like to take this moment to say Woody Allen movies are horrible and anyone who claims otherwise is lying. His whole career is dumb luck. Long ago, some like-minded weird fuck claimed Woody was a brilliant comic genius and anyone who didn't get it was dumb. Not wanting to appear stupid, others began calling him a genius. And on and on it went until Woody Allen had a successful film career. America, I think it's time we, as a nation, come together and admit Woody Allen is boring. Marrying his daughter is the only interesting thing he's ever done.

3.) Ted Fucking Nugent – Not only did he adopt a teenage girl for the sole purpose of fucking her, he publicly bragged about it on VH1's Behind The Music. He's the redneck Woody Allen.  The Nuge isn't an A-list celebrity, but he's one of the biggest conservative celebrities. Second only to Scott Baio. Scott Baio dated one of the girls on Charles In Charge while playing her nanny on TV.

These men openly committed heinous acts of debauchery and everyone turned a blind eye. They didn't lose their jobs. They weren't boycotted. Sure, Polanski has to live out the rest of his life in France, but that's a price he's willing to pay to fuck children. There are many more examples like these. The last two hundred and forty-one years has been a shitty time to be a woman in America. Our society is more sympathetic to male victims of sexual assault. Check it. Kevin Spacey was accused of sexually assaulting a fourteen year-old boy and his career ended instantly. Now go re-read the Roman Polanski shit.

But, alas, the tide is turning. The Ted Nugents of the world are going down. Although, not Ted Nugent himself. He's still Fox and Friends' BFF.

Now please excuse me while I write an open letter to Bill Cosby supporters:

Dear Bill Cosby Supporters,

There is no conspiracy against Cosby. Stop saying that out loud. You sound really stupid and I automatically think less of you. Yes, he expressed interest in buying the network, but NBC did not get fifty women to claim Cosby raped them. NBC did not force Hannibal Burress to call Cosby a rapist in his night club act. NBC did not employ a secret agent to record Hannibal's act and post it online. NBC did not get Andrea Constand to file a police report a decade before the network was for sale. If the owners of NBC didn't want to sell to Cosby, all they had to do was simply say no.

There is no conspiracy. Shut the fuck up.

Warm Regards,

Donna Troy

While I'm telling people to shut the fuck up, I would like to offer a little advice to all men guilty of sexual harassment. Shut the fuck up. No one is interested in your “sorry/not sorry” apologies. Most of the men I'm about to bitch about have issued a variation of the same statement: “While I don't remember the incident the same way she does, I'm sorry if she misinterpreted my actions.” That is blaming the victim, not apologizing. Own your shit, assholes.

Now I shall provide a select list of celebrity sexual predators and my level of disgust and/or disappointment with each.

Louis C.K. Louis confessed to jacking it in front of women, but prefaced that by stating he asked for permission first. I would like to take this time to explain to all men that no women want to see your dick. Ever.  It serves a purpose, but it's not much to look at. This is why Playgirl never took off the way Playboy did. If a woman ever compliments your dick, it doesn't mean your dick is special. It means you're a special dick to her. She's in love with you. Be nice to her.

Kevin Spacey  ***Spoiler Alert*** The season finale of House of Cards ended with Claire Underwood (Robin Wright) becoming the first woman president. And Robin Wright got to be president for all of five minutes before we finally learned why Kevin Spacey is so good at playing assholes. Turns out he's not a good actor. He's just an asshole. And Netflix promptly canceled House of Cards. We can't even have a fictional woman president without a sexual predator fucking it up. 

Jeffrey Tambor Will this impact the fifth season of Arrested Development? It's supposed to come out next year. Not to be selfish, but I waited a fucking decade for the fourth season as it is. And I'm one of the few people who actually watched the show when it originally aired on Fox. I tried to convince my friends they'd like it, but they wouldn't listen. Of course, after it was canceled and picked up a cult following, they all started watching the DVDs and quoting from it non-stop. Then they would ask, “Why was this show canceled?” 

I'm afraid you just blue yourself.

  

Charlie Rose Charlie Rose was on PBS for fuck's sake. PBS should be a pervert free zone. It's the home of Mr. Rogers and Big Bird. Shit. I just remembered Bill Cosby was on The Electric Company. Oh, and the Elmo guy was also fired for something pervy. PBS really needs to do a better job of screening people before they hire them. They've got a lot of nerve interrupting shows to beg for money from viewers like you while they're letting rapists run around willy-nilly. I hated their fucking pledge weeks. They always interrupted just as the trolley was leaving for The Neighborhood of Make Believe. Why were they asking for pledges during Mr. Rogers? Three year-olds don't have money. 

Jeremy Piven I've never liked Jeremy Piven. He seems like an asshole and he always plays assholes. (See Kevin Spacey.) He was an asshole on The Larry Sanders Show. Fuck. Jeffrey Tambor was on that show, too. Double fuck. Scott Baio was on Arrested Development. Fucking Bob Loblaw. Anyway, Piven is so adamant the claims against him are false, he voluntarily took a polygraph and passed. I still don't believe him and have conducted a thorough investigation of the following evidence proving his guilt.

Fact – One of his accusers is Cassidy Freeman, who was on Smallville, a show I like.

Fact – Piven was on Entourage, a show I hate.

I rest my case.

Senator Al Franken – While touring with the USO, Franken thought it would be funny to take a picture while grabbing the breasts of a sleeping co-star. I don't know what bothers me more: the molestation of an unconscious woman, or that a man who made a living as a comedian thought it was funny. Even if the woman had been awake and in on the joke, it wouldn't be funny. It's just stupid. It's like the Kathy Griffin picture with the severed head of Donald Trump. It was dumb. I'm not offended by the severed head of Donald Trump or anyone else for that matter. But it's not something I look at laugh. It's something I look at and shrug. 

While I'm on the subject, could Kathy Griffin get a fucking grip already. Girl, you are the only one who is surprised CNN fired you. The rest of America is surprised you lasted this long. You do offensive shit. That's who you are. Embrace it. Don't have a meltdown over Anderson Cooper. He's hot, but he's gay. That was never going to happen.

Harvey Weinstein and his brother, Bob Like most people, when the news about Harvey Weinstein broke, I said to myself, “Who the fuck is Harvey Weinstein?” I watched the news long enough to learn he is a successful movie producer who has abused, attacked or assaulted almost everyone who's ever worked for him. His brother, Bob, has ridden his coattails and harassed his leftovers. The reporter who broke the story on Harvey Weinstein is Ronan Farrow. Ronan Farrow's mother is actress Mia Farrow. His “father” is Woody Allen, except his father is obviously Frank Sinatra. And because creepers keep on creeping, Woody Allen is the only person on Earth who's publicly expressed sympathy for the super predator, Harvey Weinstein. No word on how he feels about Bob.

Fox News and the Glenn Becks of the world were still licking their wounds over the downfalls of Bill O'Reilly and Roger Ailes when the news of Harvey Weinstein broke. They were so overcome with glee, they completely forgot to show empathy or compassion for the traumatized victims in the midst of their joyous rapture. They shouted, “Aha! Liberals can be creepers too!” And liberals everywhere said, “Yeah, no shit. I mean, pick a Kennedy for fuck's sake.”  

For more on the downfall of Bill O'Reilly see:  The No-Reilly Factor

President George Herbert Walker Bush – The forty-first president of the United States and at ninety-three, the oldest living president of the United States. He has been wheelchair bound for some time. Not one to let a disability keep him down, he found a clever way to accidentally-on-purpose play grab ass with every young woman he's met. This is like finding out your grandfather has been feeling up your friends. If you're surprised by this news, keep in mind George is the uncle of Billy Bush of the infamous Donald Trump/Access Hollywood/Gram 'Em By The Pussy tape. And keep in mind the tape didn't keep Trump out of the White House. Also, keep in mind if Bush's freaky groping habits had come to light in 1988 he still would have been president.

 

Judge Roy Moore – Former Alabama judge and current senate candidate stands accused of sexually assaulting a fourteen year-old girl. Though he maintains his innocence, he doesn't deny trying to date teenage girls. Which leads me to wonder how he maintains his innocence. He's like the white trash R. Kelly. Not surprisingly, President Grab-A-Pussy is standing by Roy Moore. At least, I think he is because sometimes Trump refers to him as Ray Moore. Some Alabama voters stated voting for Roy Moore is still better than voting for a democrat. Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Alabama:

Dear Alabama,

It's time we admit this relationship has run it's course. We're just not that into you.

Sincerely,

America

 

Namaste, Bitches