Sunday, February 25, 2018

Paranoia Will Destroy Ya



I have never given a shit about the Second Amendment. I have never owned a gun. I have never wanted to own a gun. I have never wanted to be around people shooting guns. Because they're noisy as fuck and I get migraines. I wasn't necessarily against the Second Amendment, but I had no personal use for it. I don't give a shit about the Third Amendment either. - No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law. - I'm not necessarily against it. It's just never come up.

I've always been in favor of better gun control laws because guns are dangerous and people are stupid. Like when people say, “Guns don't kill people. People kill people.” That's stupid. Guns make murder way too easy. The Vegas shooter was 320 feet from the ground and 1,050 feet from the concert venue. Quite obviously, he wouldn't have been able to do that if his weapon of choice had been a knife. If you're really serious about murder, I think you should have the balls to get up close and personal with your intended victim. When I finally snap and murder someone, I plan to kill with the heel of a nice pump, the way Jennifer Jason Leigh did it in Single White Female


Since Columbine there have been over two hundred school shootings in America. Not counting all the other mass shootings at churches, movie theaters, night clubs, concerts, Wal-Mart. I actually don't know if there's been a Wal-Mart shooting. I just assume there has been. I know every time I walk into a Wal-Mart I'm overcome with rage. Anyway, lawmakers so distraught over the commonplace slaughter of children have done exactly jackshit about it. So now I give a shit about the Second Amendment. And I say, repeal the motherfucker. If you can't play nice, nobody gets a gun.

 

Every time gun control is debated, responsible gun owners come up with batshit reasons why there should be no restrictions on gun ownership. The more they talk, the more I'm convinced “responsible gun owners” don't exist. I shall provide examples.

Quite inexplicably, this past week a few senators selfishly used their love of duck hunting as a legitimate argument against gun control. This argument was so convincing it had my roommate walking around our apartment mumbling, “Duck season, wabbit season, duck season, wabbit season.”


Hey, remember when responsible gun owner, Dick Cheney, went quail hunting and shot a man in the face?

Fortunately, I've found a way to allow both the senators to continue their stupid hobby and the school children of America to survive until graduation. It's called virtual reality. Enjoy, Senators.


Following the shooting at a congressional baseball practice last summer, Glenn Beck said congressmen should be allowed to take their guns to baseball practice. It should be noted the Capitol police totally handled the situation, as they are trained to do, and only the shooter died. Nonetheless, Beck didn't think that was enough. Had Glenn been playing ball with congress, he would have kept his gun next to him in a bag of some sort. And no need to worry about who would be watching his gun while he was up to bat. He had that all figured out. He totally trusted any one of his imaginary teammates to keep an eye on his gun purse. Because men are really good at paying attention to other things during sporting events.

Also, Glenn Beck, by his own admission, suffers from alcoholism, ADHD, macular dystrophy and a severe neurological disorder. Being diagnosed with any one of these could disqualify a person from military service. But in the civilian world a hyper, blind drunk with a short attention span and a broken brain is a responsible gun owner. 


A frenemy of mine believes everyone should own a gun and learn to shoot, including children. She's outraged by every mass shooting, but somehow doesn't see this conflicts with her “Buy The World a Gun” philosophy. She often regales us with a lesson her uncle taught her about using a gun in self defense. According to Uncle Dumbass, if you think someone is breaking into your home, you must grab your gun, turn out all the lights and start shooting. Contrary to Uncle Dumbass, the first rule of gun safety is know your target. The second rule of gun safety is do not talk about Fight Club. There are no rules instructing anyone to fire aimlessly into the dark Carolina night.

While I'm on the subject of self defense, please excuse me while I write an open letter to those who say, “The only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is with a good guy with a gun.”


Dear Gun Enthusiast,

Motherfucker, you are not Clint Eastwood. I know you think you're gonna take out an attacker Dirty Harry style, but no. Should you ever actually be attacked, you're going to go all Barney Fife up in this bitch. I know this because if you need a gun to feel safe, you're such a big pussy I'm surprised Trump hasn't grabbed you yet.

Stay Safe,
Donna Troy

P.S. Those kids from Parkland are more badass than you will ever be no matter what you're packing.


This brings us to the most powerful and paranoid group of “responsible gun owners,” the NR-motherfucking-A. The fearful leader of the NRA, Wayne LaPierre, believes any restrictions on gun rights is a covert operation by the government, and by government he means democrats, to take over every aspect of our lives and force red-blooded American men to eat tofu and shit. And also, the British are coming. 


According to LaPierre, our elected officials can only be trusted if they know we have the power to shoot them. It's not like the government has access to a military armed with weapons more powerful than rifles, like bombs or something.

LaPierre spoke at CPAC last week. He called the Democratic party saboteurs who don't believe in freedom and the Constitution. He named leaders of the party and said of them, “They are not Democrats in the mold of John F. Kennedy -.” Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Wayne LaPierre.

Dear Wayne,

Allow me to offer you a little advice. When promoting your pro-gun agenda, you may want to avoid reminding people of the Kennedy assassination. It pokes a lot of holes in your argument. He was surrounded by good guys with guns. A bad guy with a gun was still able to take him out. Also, he was in Texas for fuck's sake. And also, his brother, Bobby, was shot to death as well. Talk to Chris Hardball. He wrote a book about him.

Kind Regards,
Donna Troy

Speaking of assassinations, please excuse me while I troll Trump on Twitter.

  
Sadly, Wayne LaPierre isn't my least favorite NRA mouthpiece. That distinction goes to Dana Loesch. She also spoke at CPAC. She said the media loves to put grieving white mothers on TV. Okay, bitch. I see your race card and I raise you one Philando Castile. You remember him, right? He was a black man in the possession of a legal firearm who was shot by a cop for literally no reason. In front of his fiancee and four-year-old daughter.

Here is what Philando's mother, Valerie Castile, thinks of the NRA. “My son was one of the good guys, but him being black, obviously they didn’t see him as a good guy. They’ve yet to say anything about my son.”

Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Dana Loesch.

Dear Dana,

No one's buying it. The NRA is the second whitest organization next to the KKK. Now kindly shut the fuck up, you cracker-ass cracker.

Best Wishes,
Donna Troy

Despite home schooling both of her children, Dana fancies herself an expert on public school safety. So she decided to address the Parkland students directly at the CNN Town Hall. And what she told them was her safety is more important than theirs. You see, when Dana was only twenty-years-old she lived all alone. She was a poor grown woman forced to fend for herself in Webster Groves, Missouri. A town that only ranked at Number 9 on the list of the "10 Best Cities for Families in America." She desperately needed a rifle to protect herself against nice families and Lutherans. 


Bitch, you can't play gun-toting badass and damsel in distress at the same time. Please excuse me while I troll Dana Loesch on Twitter.


 And as for thoughts and prayer, mine don't seem to be doing shit because Trump is still president. So please excuse me while I troll Trump on Twitter.


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Because Trump is like a really smart guy, he believes the solution to mass school shootings is to arm teachers. I ask anyone who thinks this is a good idea to consider the following. My sister is a teacher. Previously in this blog, I wrote of my plan to someday commit murder by shoe. Do you really want to give my sister a gun?

Namaste, Bitches

Monday, February 5, 2018

The State of the Union is Fucked





Last Tuesday Donald Trump gave his first/last State of the Union address. Naturally, he claims it was the most watched State of the Union address in the history of states, unions and addresses. It was not. Many people didn't watch it because why bother and found better things to do. For instance, my roommate took two Advil PM tablets and passed the fuck out.


I did watch it because I have a blog to write and I was really hoping he'd go off script. It's going to be offensive either way. But at least when he wings it, it's entertaining. And there's no point in trying to hide his crazy now.  To my dismay, he did manage to read the teleprompter. Sort of. You know how it's adorable when a child is learning to read and sounds out all the words? It's not so cute when an adult does it. Although, I do find it hilarious when he's sounding out industry and puts the emphasis on the duh. In-duh-stree.

Anyway, the SOTU was both offensive and boring. If you didn't watch, and you probably didn't, here's everything you need to know.

Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here

 
Trump likes to clap for himself which I think is an awesome idea. I'm going to take a moment to applaud myself after every sentence I write. Woo hoo! Go, Donna! You typed the shit out of that!

Apparently, Chris Christie is now a contributor for ABC News because... I guess, Scott Baio was busy. Fucking teenage girls. And aging badly.

Trump called on all democrats and republicans to set aside differences and come together to find common ground. A mere two days later he tweeted the following:


He shamelessly took credit for everything Obama accomplished, including being the first African American president. And went on to state African American unemployment is at the lowest rate ever recorded. The Black Caucus responded like so:


And I'm not sure why it matters, but he's really upset he wasn't able to impress Jay-Z with this totally made up statistic.


Trump is super proud of his dumb ass tax cuts. According to him, we were all going to have a lot more take home pay in February. I went out to dinner with my friends that night. My check came to $37.89, not including the tip. My increased take home pay was an entire $37.00. I'm already $0.89 in the hole, not including the tip. My roommate received an increase of $40.00 and refused to split the extra $3.00 with me. Cheap bitch.

Donnie reminded us the motto is “In God We Trust.” Fun fact: The motto came about in the 1950s when all that Cold War shit started. “In God We Trust” was meant to piss off atheist Russia. Using God to fuck with your enemies doesn't seem like the Christian thing to do. Neither does giving a “mulligan” to a man who fucks porn stars while his wife is pregnant, Jerry Falwell, Jr.

Trump slipped in something about firing federal employees in the middle of his tribute to veterans. I have to admit it was almost slick. I had to play that back to make sure I got it. It looked like he was glaring at someone in particular. The camera didn't pan to the audience so you'll have to guess who got the stink eye. 


Trump has ended the war on “beautiful clean coal.” Unfortunately, there is no end in sight for the wars on beautiful clean air and beautiful clean water.

Very soon auto plants and other plants will be opening up all over the country. Before you get too excited about the possibility of new jobs, you should know when Trump says, “other plants will be opening up,” he means it'll be spring in a few weeks.

The healthcare portion of his address was devoted to some creepy Dr. Frankenstein idea about experimenting on terminally ill patients. I think he wants to harvest their organs so he'll live forever. I don't know. I kind of tuned out a little, but it was some kind of demented Lex Luthor shit like that.


The republican members of congress deemed everything Donnie said worthy of a standing ovation. I couldn't help but notice one democrat joining in, Senator Joe Manchin of West Virginia. Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Joe Manchin.

Dear Joe,

My parents live in West Virginia. My dad keeps buying up all the property around their house so he can pick his neighbors. If he keeps up at the rate he's currently going, my sister and I may one day inherit the entire state of West Virginia. You'd be wise not to piss us off.

Best Wishes,
Donna Troy


Blah, blah, blah, trade deals. Blah, blah, blah, infrastructure. Blah, blah, blah, child care. Child care? Oh. Ivanka is in favor of paid family leave. Paid family leave is a good thing, but it's not really fair to those of us who don't have children. I mean, I have family. Why can't I get paid family leave to visit my sister in the Bahamas? She doesn't live there. It's just where we'd like to meet up.

He then addressed the issues of prison reform, crime, and gang violence. You may be surprised to learn only immigrants are in prison because immigrants commit all the crimes in America because immigrants are in all the violent gangs. He somehow managed to segue into immigration reform and regrettably stated, “Americans are dreamers, too.” While he was at it, he threw in “All lives matter,” and “The bitch was asking for it.”

Do not despair for Trump has a Four Pillar Plan For Immigration Reform.



Pillar One: Create a path to citizenship for immigrants who have a job, but also aren't taking jobs away from hard working Americans. And something about a moral compass.

Pillar Two: Secure the border and keep immigrants out so we don't have to deal with the first pillar.

Pillar Three: End the visa lottery so we don't have to deal with the first pillar.

Pillar Four: End chain migration. Donnie said a single immigrant can bring over an unlimited number of distant relatives. He wants to limit sponsorship to spouses and children.  I think he's just trying to avoid his in-laws.

And that's not all. Act now and immigration reform will solve the opioid crisis. I have no idea how, but that's what he said. I would like to take this moment to call on congress to pass a bill which requires the president to submit to random drug testing. Because that motherfucker is high.

He shared the heart warming story of a police officer and his wife who adopted a baby from a heroin addict. It was a compassionate act on the part of this couple, but I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do with this information. Or what it has to do with the state of the union. Do I get a tax break if I adopt a heroin baby? And if so, how much? Because I'm going to need it to be more than thirty-seven dollars.

Trump would like more nuclear weapons and he'd like them to be bigger and more powerful. It's his Second Amendment right to be a responsible nuclear weapon owner and stockpile as many nuclear weapons as he wants.

Blah, blah, blah, terrorists are bad. Blah, blah, blah, wipe ISIS off the face of the Earth. Blah, blah, blah, troops are never leaving Afghanistan. Blah, blah, blah, keep Guantanamo Bay open. Damn. I'd almost completely forgotten about GTMO. I've been so distracted with stupid shit about porn stars and sharks.

Trump is super pissed the United Nations voted against his divine right to name Jerusalem the capital of Israel. He has declared the U.S. will no longer provide any foreign aid to these countries. And furthermore, he'll be suing them for back rent and breach of something.

Professor Trump provided a history lesson on the founding of America. The original settlers had a “revolutionary idea that they could rule themselves.” It's important to remember these are the people who tried and executed witches.


Blah, blah, blah, freedom. Blah, blah, blah, Make America great again. Blah, blah, blah, God bless America.

Jesus fucking Christ. I thought that would never end.

Shortly thereafter, Senator Joe Kennedy, III, gave the democratic response. And you know the democrats are done fucking around when they pull out a Kennedy. He did a good job. My system was almost completely purged of all the Trump toxins I'd spent an hour and a half ingesting.  All the pundits and reporters and whoevers said Joe has a great future ahead of him. Chris Hardball called it Bobby Kennedy-esque. Almost like Joe and Bobby are related somehow. Also, Chris Hardball has written a book about Bobby Kennedy. And he can't go five minutes without mentioning Bobby Kennedy. Because he has a total man crush on Bobby Kennedy. And it's really starting to border on creepy.


Although, Joe Kennedy gave a great speech, I feel the need to offer him a little advice. Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Joe Kennedy.

Dear Senator Joseph Kennedy, III,

You seem like a good guy, but you are a Kennedy. The Kennedys of the previous generation got away with a lot of shit. Remember how your Uncle Ted got drunk and drove his mistress into a lake? Then somehow saved himself, walked back to his hotel, went to bed and left that girl to die alone at the bottom of the lake? And not only did he evade any prison time, but somehow managed to be elected to congress until the day he died? Don't be that kind of Kennedy. We don't put up with that shit anymore.

Sincerely,
Donna Troy


Namaste, Bitches

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