Sunday, February 25, 2018

Paranoia Will Destroy Ya



I have never given a shit about the Second Amendment. I have never owned a gun. I have never wanted to own a gun. I have never wanted to be around people shooting guns. Because they're noisy as fuck and I get migraines. I wasn't necessarily against the Second Amendment, but I had no personal use for it. I don't give a shit about the Third Amendment either. - No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law. - I'm not necessarily against it. It's just never come up.

I've always been in favor of better gun control laws because guns are dangerous and people are stupid. Like when people say, “Guns don't kill people. People kill people.” That's stupid. Guns make murder way too easy. The Vegas shooter was 320 feet from the ground and 1,050 feet from the concert venue. Quite obviously, he wouldn't have been able to do that if his weapon of choice had been a knife. If you're really serious about murder, I think you should have the balls to get up close and personal with your intended victim. When I finally snap and murder someone, I plan to kill with the heel of a nice pump, the way Jennifer Jason Leigh did it in Single White Female


Since Columbine there have been over two hundred school shootings in America. Not counting all the other mass shootings at churches, movie theaters, night clubs, concerts, Wal-Mart. I actually don't know if there's been a Wal-Mart shooting. I just assume there has been. I know every time I walk into a Wal-Mart I'm overcome with rage. Anyway, lawmakers so distraught over the commonplace slaughter of children have done exactly jackshit about it. So now I give a shit about the Second Amendment. And I say, repeal the motherfucker. If you can't play nice, nobody gets a gun.

 
 
Every time gun control is debated, responsible gun owners come up with batshit reasons why there should be no restrictions on gun ownership. The more they talk, the more I'm convinced “responsible gun owners” don't exist. I shall provide examples.

Quite inexplicably, this past week a few senators selfishly used their love of duck hunting as a legitimate argument against gun control. This argument was so convincing it had my roommate walking around our apartment mumbling, “Duck season, wabbit season, duck season, wabbit season.”


Hey, remember when responsible gun owner, Dick Cheney, went quail hunting and shot a man in the face?

Fortunately, I've found a way to allow both the senators to continue their stupid hobby and the school children of America to survive until graduation. It's called virtual reality. Enjoy, Senators.


Following the shooting at a congressional baseball practice last summer, Glenn Beck said congressmen should be allowed to take their guns to baseball practice. It should be noted the Capitol police totally handled the situation, as they are trained to do, and only the shooter died. Nonetheless, Beck didn't think that was enough. Had Glenn been playing ball with congress, he would have kept his gun next to him in a bag of some sort. And no need to worry about who would be watching his gun while he was up to bat. He had that all figured out. He totally trusted any one of his imaginary teammates to keep an eye on his gun purse. Because men are really good at paying attention to other things during sporting events.

Also, Glenn Beck, by his own admission, suffers from alcoholism, ADHD, macular dystrophy and a severe neurological disorder. Being diagnosed with any one of these could disqualify a person from military service. But in the civilian world a hyper, blind drunk with a short attention span and a broken brain is a responsible gun owner. 

 
A frenemy of mine believes everyone should own a gun and learn to shoot, including children. She's outraged by every mass shooting, but somehow doesn't see this conflicts with her “Buy The World a Gun” philosophy. She often regales us with a lesson her uncle taught her about using a gun in self defense. According to Uncle Dumbass, if you think someone is breaking into your home, you must grab your gun, turn out all the lights and start shooting. Contrary to Uncle Dumbass, the first rule of gun safety is know your target. The second rule of gun safety is do not talk about Fight Club. There are no rules instructing anyone to fire aimlessly into the dark Carolina night.

While I'm on the subject of self defense, please excuse me while I write an open letter to those who say, “The only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is with a good guy with a gun.”


Dear Gun Enthusiast,

Motherfucker, you are not Clint Eastwood. I know you think you're gonna take out an attacker Dirty Harry style, but no. Should you ever actually be attacked, you're going to go all Barney Fife up in this bitch. I know this because if you need a gun to feel safe, you're such a big pussy I'm surprised Trump hasn't grabbed you yet.

Stay Safe,
Donna Troy

P.S. Those kids from Parkland are more badass than you will ever be no matter what you're packing.


This brings us to the most powerful and paranoid group of “responsible gun owners,” the NR-motherfucking-A. The fearful leader of the NRA, Wayne LaPierre, believes any restrictions on gun rights is a covert operation by the government, and by government he means democrats, to take over every aspect of our lives and force red-blooded American men to eat tofu and shit. And also, the British are coming. 


According to LaPierre, our elected officials can only be trusted if they know we have the power to shoot them. It's not like the government has access to a military armed with weapons more powerful than rifles, like bombs or something.

LaPierre spoke at CPAC last week. He called the Democratic party saboteurs who don't believe in freedom and the Constitution. He named leaders of the party and said of them, “They are not Democrats in the mold of John F. Kennedy -.” Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Wayne LaPierre.

Dear Wayne,

Allow me to offer you a little advice. When promoting your pro-gun agenda, you may want to avoid reminding people of the Kennedy assassination. It pokes a lot of holes in your argument. He was surrounded by good guys with guns. A bad guy with a gun was still able to take him out. Also, he was in Texas for fuck's sake. And also, his brother, Bobby, was shot to death as well. Talk to Chris Hardball. He wrote a book about him.

Kind Regards,
Donna Troy

Speaking of assassinations, please excuse me while I troll Trump on Twitter.
 
  
Sadly, Wayne LaPierre isn't my least favorite NRA mouthpiece. That distinction goes to Dana Loesch. She also spoke at CPAC. She said the media loves to put grieving white mothers on TV. Okay, bitch. I see your race card and I raise you one Philando Castile. You remember him, right? He was a black man in the possession of a legal firearm who was shot by a cop for literally no reason. In front of his fiancee and four-year-old daughter.

Here is what Philando's mother, Valerie Castile, thinks of the NRA. “My son was one of the good guys, but him being black, obviously they didn’t see him as a good guy. They’ve yet to say anything about my son.”

Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Dana Loesch.

Dear Dana,

No one's buying it. The NRA is the second whitest organization next to the KKK. Now kindly shut the fuck up, you cracker-ass cracker.

Best Wishes,
Donna Troy

Despite home schooling both of her children, Dana fancies herself an expert on public school safety. So she decided to address the Parkland students directly at the CNN Town Hall. And what she told them was her safety is more important than theirs. You see, when Dana was only twenty-years-old she lived all alone. She was a poor grown woman forced to fend for herself in Webster Groves, Missouri. A town that only ranked at Number 9 on the list of the "10 Best Cities for Families in America." She desperately needed a rifle to protect herself against nice families and Lutherans. 


Bitch, you can't play gun-toting badass and damsel in distress at the same time. Please excuse me while I troll Dana Loesch on Twitter.


 And as for thoughts and prayer, mine don't seem to be doing shit because Trump is still president. So please excuse me while I troll Trump on Twitter.


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Because Trump is like a really smart guy, he believes the solution to mass school shootings is to arm teachers. I ask anyone who thinks this is a good idea to consider the following. My sister is a teacher. Previously in this blog, I wrote of my plan to someday commit murder by shoe. Do you really want to give my sister a gun?

Namaste, Bitches

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