Some
co-workers of mine thought a good idea for a blog would be an employee review
of Donald Trump. You know, because that motherfucker works for us. And because
that's the kind of shit we do all day. I thought it would be fun and had
prepared to do so. Then Trump gave a most distressing press conference with Vladimir
Putin and I decided to take it a step further. As his employer, I've decided to
write that motherfucker up. (Trump, not Putin, in case you were confused as to which
motherfucker I was referring.)
In
my place of employment, a write up is referred to as a Performance Improvement
Plan, or PIP, for short. You may wonder if giving it the same name as a Gladys
Knight back up singer makes employees feel better about it. It does not.
Anyway,
please enjoy the following PIP, which will be kept in Donald Trump's personnel
file. Also, enjoy having this little ditty stuck in your head: D.C. proved
too much for the man... He couldn't make it...
Performance
Improvement Plan
(P.I.P.)
EMPLOYEE: Donald J. Trump
ID Number: 45
DEPARTMENT: Executive Branch POSITION: President of The United
States
SUPERVISOR: We The People
TYPE OF ACTION:
□ Verbal Warning (Dept. File Only
x Written Warning
Date(s) of Incident: July 16, 2018
Time of Incident: Around 11am EDT, U.S., or Whatever the fuck time it was in Finland.
Description of the
Incident(s) or Behavior(s):
Despite overwhelming suspicion and evidence of possible
collusion between the Trump campaign and the Russian government, Donald
scheduled a private meeting with Vladimir Putin. This was especially troubling
as the Justice Department had just issued indictments against twelve Russian
Intelligence Agents for interfering in the 2016 election. Following the private
meeting, Donald held a press conference with President Putin where he displayed
tremendous cowardice by not only refusing to defend the United States, but also
by offering to hand over U.S. Intelligence Officials to President Putin, a
known murderer. He further created a hostile working
environment by dismissing the work of our Intelligence Officials whilst simultaneously encouraging future murder attempts on said Officials. It has become evident Donald is involved in an inappropriate
relationship with Vladimir Putin. We strongly discourage any relationship which
can be perceived as creating bias or favoritism in the workplace.
Donald went on to campaign against Hillary Clinton. He has
been told on numerous occasions that the 2016 election is over and Secretary
Clinton does not currently hold any public office. He has ignored all previous
warnings to knock it the fuck off. Donald's obsession with Hillary Clinton
could be construed as harassment. The employee handbook, which I am currently
writing, clearly states we have a zero tolerance policy for harassment. Or, at
least, it will when I'm done writing it.
Donald has been employed with us since January 20, 2017.
He has had more than enough time to familiarize himself with the job duties the
office of president entails, yet he has continually failed to meet expectations.
During the course of this incident he demonstrated his inability to comprehend
treason by very publicly committing treason.
Toward the end of the press conference, Donald threw a
soccer ball at the First Lady. Though no injuries occurred, we mean to create a
safe working space for all our employees and throwing things is unacceptable.
Should the President and First Lady wish to play soccer, they may do so outside
in an open area, away from any parked cars, on their lunch break. This will
eventually be addressed in the employee handbook.
Reported by:
The media.
Other Individuals
who may have information:
Vladmir Putin, Sean Hannity, Stormy Daniels, Michael
Avenatti, Ivanka Trump, Jared Kushner, Donald Trump, Jr., Eric Trump, Michael
Flynn, Michael Cohen, Kanye West, Steve Bannon, Rudy Giuliani and Scott Baio
Supporting
Evidence, if any (please describe; attach copies of any documentation):
The whole press conference can be viewed on YouTube. One
does not need knowledge of politics, government or foreign affairs to know this type of behavior should discouraged, or frowned upon, at the very least.
Employee’s
Comments:
This is a complete and total witch hunt, okay. President
Putin said to me, very strongly, that he did not interfere with our election.
He said that very strongly. He's a strong leader. People say, “Oh, but he's
killed people.” And, I don't know, maybe that's true, but look how he leads his
country. His people, they're like... they love him. And quite honestly, he's
the kind of leader I would like to be. But the FAKE NEWS media won't let me.
They never give Trump credit for anything. Never in the history of, perhaps,
the entire world, has a president been treated so badly by the press. That I
can tell you. So I go to meet with Putin, and you know, I don't even want to
meet Putin. I have other things to do. I'm like, I'm a busy guy. But Putin
wants to meet and I say to myself, “You know, no other president has given this
guy the time of day. That's foolish.” We spend so much money on NATO, more than
our fair share – and what do we get out of that? And people are like, they're
all like, “Oh, but Mr. Trump, all of our NATO allies came to our rescue on
9/11.” And I'm like, so what? That was seventeen years ago. What have they done
for us lately? You know, I gave Janet Jackson the idea for that song. A lot of
people don't know that. Her brother, Michael, had an apartment in Trump Tower.
Janet actually wanted to date me, if you can believe it. It's true. And I had
to tell her, I said, “Look, I'm not into black chicks.” Maybe I shouldn't have
said that about black chicks. I thought about saying she was too young for me, but
who would believe that? Some people may say that's racist, but I'm not entirely
sure if Melania's white, so...
Corrective Action
Plan:
Donald is to avoid any further contact with Vladimir Putin,
Sean Hannity and Scott Baio. He is to refrain from tweeting or making any
public comments about our NATO Allies, Hillary Clinton, Theresa May, Angela
Merkel and, I guess, Janet Jackson. He has been instructed to learn what
treason is and to stop committing it.
Next Action Step if
Problem Continues:
Failure to demonstrate immediate and continued improvement as well as failure to sustain satisfactory performance in all other job requirements and expectations may result in further disciplinary action, up to and including termination, imprisonment and execution. I'm about seventy-two percent sure we can execute people for treason. If I'm wrong about that, I reserve the right to add it to the employee handbook as I deem necessary.
Namaste,
Bitches
