Monday, August 27, 2018

Friends In Low Places


If you're reading this blog, I'm working under the assumption you've never watched a complete episode of Fox & Friends. I hadn't either until last week. I was compelled to do so with the promise of the first Trump interview after the guilty verdicts of Paul Manafort. And the guilty pleas of Michael Cohen. And the release of Omarosa's tell-all book and secret recordings. And the immunity granted to Trump's CFO and his Pecker.

Fox & Friends airs from 6:00am to 9:00am. I will only get up at 6:00am if my apartment building is on fire. Even then it depends on how close the fire is to my bedroom. Ergo, I recorded Fox & Friends and watched it later that evening. I only planned to watch the Trump interview and fast forward through everything else. However, I found myself watching every stupid minute. If you have never viewed a full episode of Fox & Friends, I highly recommend you do so because it's fucking hilarious.

I shall now recap Fox & Friends for your reading pleasure. The hosts of Fox & Friends are Steve Doocy, some other white guy and some pretty lady with vacant eyes. I only remember Steve Doocy's name because it's fun to say.

The Trump interview was 22 minutes long. They replayed it every hour in varying “chunks,” as they called it. In the remaining time, they followed two other top stories. The first story was about an ISIS attack in Paris. I was perplexed by this as I had heard nothing of such an attack on the real news. (The real news being what Trump refers to as the fake news.)

The first F&F reporting of the attack claimed an ISIS terrorist killed 3 women in Paris with a knife. And an ISIS leader believed to be dead was actually alive and taking credit for the attack. Halfway through the show the story was updated. The 3 women killed were the mother and sister of the terrorist and some random lady who got in the way. And an ISIS leader believed to be dead was actually alive and taking credit for the attack. The final update of the story came shortly before they went off the air. Paris police confirmed this was not a terrorist attack. The perp was an unstable person who was super pissed at his mom, his sister and the random lady who got in the way. And an ISIS leader believed to be dead may be alive, but this is unconfirmed.

The second story F&F followed closely was the murder of a young woman named Mollie Tibbetts in Iowa. I'm a little fuzzy on the details as I got them from the Fox & Friends. Mollie was out jogging and was murdered by an undocumented immigrant. While I'm in favor of deporting murderers, even white ones who were born here, I'm also anti-jogging. Nothing good comes from jogging. Joggers are either attacked or they find a dead body. Every Law & Order starts with a jogger coming across a dead body. And they don't stop running when they find it. They run in place, staring at the dead body likes it's completely normal. 


The murderer was employed by a farm or a drug store or a bike shop. As I said, the Fox & Friends aren't so clear with the details. What I found particularly interesting was their take on E-Verify. I've had to run numerous E-Verify checks in my line of work, so the ignorance of the Fox & Friends was plainly evident to me. If you are unfamiliar with the process of running an E-Verify check, I previously described it in a blog entitled The White Album. Please refer to said blog for more info on E-Verify as I don't feel like describing the whole process again.

In the first report of this story, Doocy said the employer ran an E-Verify on the murderer and it came back clear. “No, he didn't, Doocy,” I said to the TV. Upon the next update, the other white guy said the employer ran the “wrong E-Verify.”  Like there's some black market E-Verify on the not-so-dark web. The “wrong E-Verify” isn't a thing. In the final update of this story, it was revealed the employer didn't run an E-Verfiy check after all. “No shit, Steve Doocy. I told you that 2 hours ago.”

Now on to the top top story of the day:  The Fox & Friends Trump Interview. I shall transcribe the interview the way I heard it in my head. The interview took place in the White House rose garden and was conducted by the pretty lady with the vacant eyes, who shall hereinafter be referred to as Vacant Eyes.

I Never Promised You a Rose Garden


Vacant Eyes: Mr. President, thank you so much for sitting down with me. How are you doing?

DJT: Fantastic. I'm doing tremendous things right now. The economy has never been stronger and people are telling me, it's like, it's the best they've felt about America since perhaps, Abe Lincoln, was in the White House. So, I'm doing great, Ainsley. And I have to tell you, you look great yourself.

Vacant Eyes: How do you handle all of that?

DJT: You know, my whole life, it's like, there's always been controversy. People say to me, “Trump, there's always controversy around you.” And, perhaps, that's true. And you may not know this, but that's been true of all the great leaders through the whole history of America. I mean, look at Abe Lincoln. People say he was one of the great presidents. And a lot of people don't know this, but he was a republican. Amy, did you know that? Even democrats are like, Lincoln was great. But at the time, he was despised by like, half the country. It's true. So he was able to overcome that. And I see a lot of myself in Lincoln. Controversy is, perhaps, not such a bad thing.

Vacant Eyes: Well, speaking of – yesterday – huge news day. There's a lot breaking today, as well. Michael Cohen – tell me about your relationship with him.

DJT: I barely knew the guy, okay. He was one of my lawyers and the fake news calls him my fixer. They add that. They say lawyer and then they add fixer. And he only worked for my for like, ten years, or something. I really, I don't know him that well. He did some work for me, but he was more like, it was part time. And I wasn't his only client, you know. There was like Sean Hannity and one other guy. So, and he had other business. Like the taxi thing. He ran taxis. And they found out some things about the taxi business that were not so great. So most of the charges, they were about his taxi business. And then they tack on the last two were about campaign. And those are really, they aren't even a crime. That I can tell you.

Vacant Eyes: He said – one story said you didn't know anything about the payments and now he's saying that you directed him to make these payments. Did you direct him to make these payments?

DJT:  He made payments and such as my attorney, but I didn't always know because when you have as many businesses as Trump. So you can say he was making these payments on my behalf, but also, it was his decision not Trump's.

Vacant Eyes: Did you know about the payments?

DJT: Well, I knew about them – I think I heard about them on your show, Angie. And they didn't come out of campaign. When I first heard about them that's the first thing I asked. Did they come from campaign? Because that's a little dicey even though it's not a crime. And I self-funded my campaign, but also, you're dealing with donors.

Vacant Eyes: Why is he doing this? He was your attorney.

DJT: It's called flipping. He's a flipper. You remember that TV show, Flipper? I think it was about a dolphin or a seal. And how can a dolphin be the star of the show? He can't even talk. And when you look at Mister Ed. He was a horse, but he was a talking horse. So you had a show there. And then there's this show about a flipping dolphin and Trump never won an Emmy. I don't know anyone who watched The Amazing Race. You look at The Apprentice. It was the number one show. And I hired Michael Cohen around the time I started The Apprentice to take care of some deals. So they get him on these other charges, which, by the way, have nothing to do with Trump or collusion. No collusion. He's looking at something, like forty years, and they say – it's called flipping. They say you say something bad about Trump and we'll drop that down to five years. I've known flippers for fifty years, my whole life really, and it really ought to be illegal. And the two charges they tack on about campaign finance aren't even crimes. He should never have plead guilty to those. That I can tell you. 


Vacant Eyes: If you're saying the payments – if they're not illegal, then why would he even – why would he use that information for a plea deal?

DJT: He's – I hate to say it, but he's kind of a wimp. I mean, look how quickly he folded. But that's why I have such respect for Paul Manafort. They raided his house at five o'clock in the morning. On a Sunday. With his wife in bed. And they have guns and storm troopers. And for what? No collusion. Not a single charge with Manafort or Cohen have anything to do with Trump or collusion. And why isn't Mueller investigating the other side. I mean, what Hillary Clinton got away with – emails. And no one's looking into that. Barrack Obama took hundreds of thousands of dollars from campaign donors. He spent that money on signs. Signs. If you can believe it. And you know what those signs said? Vote For Obama. That's what they said in big letters. Vote For Obama. You tell me. How is that legal?

Vacant Eyes: Double standard?

DJT: Sure, it's a double standard. When the failing New York Times – they never want to write stories about all my successes. Black unemployment is at the lowest in any time in history. Woman unemployment is at the lowest at any time in history. And don't forget, Annie, I had a black woman working in the White House – Omarosa, if you can believe it. And, perhaps, that makes me in some ways, a better president than Lincoln. You know, he didn't have a black or a woman working in his White House. Omarosa – she'd be nothing without Trump. You know, she worked in the Clinton White House. A lot of people don't know that. 

She was fired from that White House, too and nobody calls Bill Clinton a racist. And people say, “Oh, but, Mr. Trump, Bill Clinton didn't call her a dog.” I don't know that. The fact is – no one ever heard of Omarosa before Trump. Bill Clinton could have called her lots of things and we wouldn't know because who ever heard of Omarosa at that time? How do we know Bill Clinton wasn't the first person to call her the N-word? And the Fake News – they act like Trump is the first person to ever use the N-word in history. And I'm not saying I said it, but when you go back and look at the leaders in the past – that word was used a lot. People are worried about is there a tape with Trump using the N-word. But no one ever heard of a black woman working in the White House before Trump. They don't want to give me credit for that.



                                     
Vacant Eyes: Are you considering pardoning Paul Manafort?

DJT: Well, that's something to consider, Abbey. None of the charges had anything to do with Trump. And frankly, I don't know what's in it for me to pardon him. No Russia. No collusion. It's a hoax. It's been a hoax from the very beginning. When I have an attorney general who recused himself. I'll tell you – he shouldn't have taken the job if he was going to recuse himself. I gave him the job out of loyalty, okay. I'm a very loyal person. But the guy – he has no loyalty. And I – it's like I need control over my “justice” department, okay. I put “justice” in quotes now because there's no “justice.” There's no “justice” at all. And maybe – I hate to say it, but it's possible Jeff Sessions wants me out of office. Attorney General is third in line for the presidency. A lot of people don't know that. And I think Jeff may be trying to stage a coup. That's what they called it in the old days – a coup. He'd have to get rid of me, which will be tough. My approval ratings are through the roof. But if he pulled it off, which he won't, then he'd only have to get rid of Mike Pence, which – not so tough. Then Jeff Sessions would be president. It's called a coup.

Vacant Eyes: Seventy-six days away from the midterms. Hard to believe. If the democrats take back power, do you believe they will try to impeach you?

DJT: It's something like high crimes... I've never been high in my life, by the way. Never had a drink. Don't smoke. I had a brother, Fred. He was one of the great guys. But he was an alcoholic. And he died young, Fred did. Because he drank, perhaps, a bit too much. So he died. And people say to me, “Oh, but Mr. Trump, you didn't let your brother's family receive their share of your father's inheritance.” And I'm like, so what? The man was my father not Fred's kid's father. Who, I guess, are my nieces and nephews or – I don't really know them. They need to make their own way with what their father left them. Which, I assume, was an empty liquor cabinet. But if they brand it right - as a Trump liquor cabinet, it could be worth millions. Probably more than the small inheritance they would have received. And I'll tell you, Audrey, if I ever were impeached this country would end up as poor, if not poorer than my brother's children. That I can tell you.


Namaste, Bitches

Saturday, August 11, 2018

White Women Watching



One night I was driving home from yoga class when I was pulled over. I wasn't speeding and had no idea why I was being pulled over. I was immediately annoyed as this was killing my relaxing yoga buzz. The cop comes to my window and says, “Good evening, ma'am. Do you have any idea why it would say you have no insurance when I ran your tags?” I assumed “it” was a computer of some sort and resisted the urge to demand to know who “it” was and why “it” was stalking me. Instead, I rolled my eyes and said, “I better have insurance. The money has been coming out my account every month.” I then reached into the glove compartment and handed the officer my proof of insurance. He looked at it and said, “Everything seems in order. Give me a minute. I'll be right back.” He goes to his car for less than a minute and comes back with some bullshit story about typing in one number wrong. “Can you believe it?” he asks. “The other car was also a silver Buick.” He apologizes for bothering me and tells me to have a good night.

I don't buy his story. I'm totally certain he was looking for a serial killer driving a silver Buick. When he discovered he'd pulled over a middle-aged white woman in yoga pants, he foolishly assumed I'm not a serial killer. He then had to be super nice to me because I'm a middle-age white woman and I possess white privilege. 

 
 
White privilege runs all through this brief encounter with a police officer. For example, I rolled my eyes and the officer was super nice to me. Sandra Bland – a black woman – rolled her eyes at a cop and ended up dead. I reached into my glove compartment without telling the officer what I was doing. Philando Castile – a black man – told an officer he was reaching for his license and registration and was shot multiple times. At no time during my brief encounter did I fear for my life. Because I'm a middle-aged white woman in yoga pants.

Not long after my encounter, a friend was stopped for a similar issue. She had recently moved and the whole thing boiled down to a clerical error with the insurance company. The cop told her he couldn't check it on the side of the road. He wrote her a ticket, told her she'd be notified with a court date and she could straighten it out then. She is black. Well, half black, actually. Which really sucks when you think about it. Having only one Caucasian parent completely disqualifies a person from possessing white privilege.

A few weeks pass and my friend receives no notice regarding the court date. She calls the number on the ticket to find out what she needs to do. She is told a notice was sent. She missed her court date and an arrest warrant has been issued for failure to appear. During the course of this conversation it's revealed the court notice was sent to the wrong address. Her recent move being what caused all this bullshit in the first place. Despite this revelation, she is told she must immediately turn herself in to the police. She immediately freaked the fuck out.

I told her to calm the fuck down. “They're not sending a S.W.A.T. team to your house over a typo.” I was then informed by another black friend that they will totally go to her house and arrest her. I thought she was being overly dramatic. I was all like, “How are they going to send a cop to her house when they don't seem to know where it is?”  And she was all like, “Oh, yes they can. They will find her and put her in jail.” I then noticed my poor wanted friend had begun visibly shaking and I realized we should probably not be debating this in front of her. I also realized I was looking at this whole situation from the vantage point of one who possesses white privilege.

Upon this realization, I offered to accompany her to the courthouse to straighten this shit out. Knowing full well they'd be less likely to fuck with her in the presence of a middle-aged white woman in yoga pants. Especially a middle-aged white woman who knows when to adopt the appropriate southern accent and patronizingly call people “Hon.” Fortunately, the whole situation was cleared up without me having to go all middle-aged white woman and use my yoga-toned legs to kick some ass.

 
 
More recently, a middle-aged white teacher in yoga pants found herself in the position to stop somewhere between one and three possible homicides. On a Saturday afternoon, she is driving from the gym to pick up her husband who is waiting outside Costco with their groceries. It doesn't get much whiter than that. As she's driving along she sees three Hispanic teenage boys standing outside their car being questioned by cops. She immediately recognizes one of the boys as a student of hers.

She pulls up next to them, rolls down her window and asks the student if he's okay. He says he's okay and she starts to leave when she notices this young non-white man is wearing a hoodie with a giant marijuana leaf on the front. She says to herself, “Fuck it. I'm stopping. I'm not about to leave this kid alone wearing his fucking drug paraphernalia with these potentially homicidal cops.”

She makes a U-turn and parks behind the police. She steps out of her car wearing her yoga pants and holding a Starbucks cup. Or maybe it was a smoothie. I don't remember, but I'm sure it was something extremely Caucasian. One of the officers asks her to wait in her car. He assures her she can speak to the boys once they're done. The police now know they are being watched by a middle-aged white soccer mom in yoga pants. They have no choice but to properly do their job and refrain from murdering anyone.

While middle-aged white woman in yoga pants is busy stopping a murder, her husband calls to find out why she has yet to arrive at Costco. She explains what is going on, but he is somewhat distraught over the state of his recently purchased frozen foods. She's all like, “For fuck's sake. I'm saving lives here... maybe. Like, I don't know for sure the cops were going to shoot these kids, but I know for sure they can't now because I'm sitting here being all white up in their faces. Your Popsicles can wait. Check your white privilege. Then use it to get another box of Popsicles. You can totally go back into Costco and tell them they melted on the way to the car. They'll give you another box without even mentioning you left the store over an hour ago. You know what? Maybe you should wait for me. This sounds like a job for a middle-aged white woman in yoga pants.”

 
She waited around a while longer, but her husband got super anxious about his frozen foods. Fucking white people. She left to take care of the Popsicle situation before she got a chance to speak to the kids. I'd like to report the young man showed up at school on Monday and told middle-aged white woman in yoga pants she saved the day. But it's summer. School is out. However, I can report he was posting shit on his Instagram later that day. So we're sure he's not dead and probably not in prison. You know, unless he shoved his phone so far up his ass it went undetected during a cavity search. But that seems unlikely. So probably not in prison.

You may be wondering why middle-aged white women in yoga pants strike fear in the hearts of police officers. Don't know. 

Middle-aged white men may be wondering if they possess this very same white privilege. The answer is not really. While middle-aged white men have possessed this power for centuries, they've also been abusing it for centuries. I mean, a white man probably won't get shot by a cop, but he won't be presumed innocent of serial killing either. Because most serial killers are middle-age white men. Also, we're in the middle of the #metoo movement. Middle-aged white men aren't looking so good right now.


As middle-aged white women in yoga pants, we are sometimes unaware of the white privilege we possess. However, in these uncertain times it's more important than ever we recognize our white privilege and wield its power for good. I have conducted extensive research. By which, I mean the three minor incidents previously described in this post. Through this research, it has become clear to me middle-aged white women in yoga pants hold the key to ending police violence. Ergo, I shall be starting a neighborhood watch-type group to keep an eye on the police. It shall be called White Women Watching. Read the flyer below to learn more.


White Women Watching

Are you a middle-aged white woman who enjoys wearing yoga pants and hates police brutality? Do you carry a designer handbag even when you're wearing yoga pants? Does your phone have a sparkly pink case? Can you stare down an enemy combatant with a nasty woman face while simultaneously holding a phone in one hand and a latte or smoothie in the other? Do you pretend to be friends with the mayor or other officials of dubious power to intimidate those who would piss you off? White Women Watching can teach you to use all your Caucasian bullshit to save lives and end careers.

White Women Watching has been dedicated to our core mission of stopping the senseless murder of unarmed non-white citizens since last month. Somewhere between one and three possible police shootings have been stopped by Cheryl since the founding of White Women Watching. Join White Women Watching today and you, too, can be a Cheryl.

***White women who voted for Donald Trump are ineligible for membership in the WWW.***

Frequently Asked Questions

Q. I voted for Jill Stein in 2016. Am I eligible for membership in the WWW?

A. Fuck off, you useless bitch.

Q. Do I have to be white, middle-aged or a woman to join?

A. No. While only middle-aged white women can go on patrol, there are plenty of jobs for others. These include training, tips, recruitment and the purchasing of yoga pants.

Q. I'm not white, but I can pass. Can I go on patrol?

A. Fuck yeah. Nothing would be funnier than a Mexican woman with a sun allergy intimidating a possibly homicidal cop with white privilege. You may have to use an alias if your name sounds non-Caucasian. We recommend something like Cheryl Whitelady.


Namaste, Bitches

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