When I was in my twenties a co-worker
told me the captivating story of where he was when Elvis died. Former
co-worker had purchased tickets to an upcoming Elvis concert which
did not occur due to the untimely death of Elvis. His dumbfounded
response to the news of the King's death was, “But I have
tickets...” I was about to ask if he got a refund when he asked me
if I remembered where I was when Elvis died. I said, “I don't
remember where I was, but I'm sure I shit my pants. Because
I was four months old.” Former co-worker then got all kinds of
mopey because I made him feel old. And he'd been mourning the loss of
Elvis for twenty five years.
I
miss the days when being born the same year Elvis died meant I was
young. However, it does mean I always know how long Elvis has been
dead. Which is forty two years for the record. Knowing this leads me
to wonder why Trump awarded Elvis with the Presidential Medal of
Freedom late last year. He also awarded Babe Ruth, who I believe has
been dead longer than Elvis. But I'm not sure because Babe Ruth
didn't die the year I was born.
To
be fair he did award some living people. Like Orrin Hatch who won’t
drop dead despite my repeated pleas for him to do so. And someone
like Orrin Hatch, who won't die already, showed up to receive his
award from Trump because it’s his only chance to receive such an
honor. Because who the fuck else would give Orrin Hatch an award? You
know, unless the senate gives out certificates of participation.
Anyway,
living entertainers and athletes probably would have boycotted the
awards. At least, the A-list ones would have. I’m sure he could
have booked appearances by Kid Rock or the non-Alec Baldwin who’s a
super Christian Trump supporter. Stephen maybe? The one who’s
decided dick riding Trump is a better career move than riding Alec’s
coattails. It’s not. If it were I would have gone to the effort of
Googling him to make sure I’m talking about the right Baldwin. He’s
not worth a Google.
Regardless,
I'm assuming that's why Trump chose to award dead entertainers and
athletes. And I find Elvis to be the most fascinating dead choice
Trump made.
You
may be thinking to yourself, “Donna, why are you talking about
Baldwins and Elvis when there are much more important matters to
discuss? Trump is still forcibly orphaning children and locking them
in cages.” Don’t be so fucking impatient. I’m building to a
point.
Remember
how Trump avoided the draft because his foot hurt or something?
Excuse me, I mean, because he was rich and his foot hurt or
something. Elvis was drafted shortly after hitting it big and
becoming a rock star. Although no one knew to call him a rock star
because that phrase hadn't been invented yet. Instead of using his
fame and fortune to avoid the draft, Elvis walked away from his
career for two years while he served in the U.S. Army. People with
only a passive interest in Elvis believe this is because he was super
patriotic or because the fifties was a simpler time when people
didn't dodge the draft. But hardcore Elvis fans know the real reason
Elvis wasn't a draft dodger. And that reason was Colonel Tom Parker.
Most
people know about Elvis and the Colonel, however, if you're very
young or simply never cared, I'll break it down for you. The Colonel
was a dirty carnie who first saw a teenage Elvis playing state fairs
and crap like that. Girls went crazy for Elvis because he was hot and
he could kind of sing. The Colonel quickly realized he could cash in
on this young hick who was hot and could kind of sing. The Colonel
convinced Elvis he should manage his career, which he did until the
day Elvis died in 1977 of either a heart attack, an overdose, or
constipation.
Through
all those years Elvis was the Colonel's only client and the Colonel
totally ripped him off. He took half of his money and made all kinds
of side deals so he could make money off of Elvis without actually
having to pay Elvis. Basic dirty carnie stuff. He was still pulling
this shit after Elvis died. The Colonel sold stolen Elvis property
back to the Presley family.
This
brings us back to the fifties and the draft notice that took away the
Colonel's only source of income for two years. It was the Colonel who
insisted Elvis report for duty and not try to dodge the draft. It was
the Colonel who insisted Elvis donate his entire army pay to charity.
You may be wondering why a dirty carnie who literally stole from a
dead man would be willing to lose his cash cow for such a long period
of time. The Colonel didn't want the government poking around in his
business. Because Colonel Tom Parker wasn't a colonel and his name
wasn't Tom Parker. His name was Andreas Cornelis van Kuijk and he was
an illegal immigrant. And no one knew until he died in 1997.
Despite
his celebrity status and weird accent, the Colonel managed to keep
his immigrant status secret. I'm assuming because he was white. I've
never heard of anyone wanting to build a wall to keep the Dutch out.
Although, we may want to consider it. There is speculation the
Colonel fled the Netherlands because he was the suspect of a murder.
To
this very day, we all know the name Elvis Presley due to the shady
actions of one Colonel Tom Parker, aka Andreas Cornelis van Kuijk. By
awarding the Presidential Medal of Freedom to Elvis Presley, Donald
Trump endorsed the conduct of Colonel Tom Parker, who is quite possibly
the most successful illegal immigrant in U.S. history. And possibly a
murderer. But definitely a dirty carnie.
And
with that ostentatious display of Trump’s immigration hypocrisy, I
shall now address the plight of babies in cages.
Sarah
Fabian is an attorney for the
Office of Immigration Litigation. A
video of Sarah ineffectively arguing against the benefits of
providing soap to forcibly
orphaned immigrant children
went viral
last month.
A link to the video was sent to me by a friend, along with a two word
directive: Finish Her.
Now
please excuse me while I finish
the bitch.
Dear
Sarah,
Was
your mother one of those teen moms who gave birth in a bathroom
stall, then dropped you in a Dumpster so she could go back to the
prom? Then Baby Sarah was discovered by a janitor and dropped off at
a fire station, where you were then turned over to foster care, then
went through a series of trailer trash foster parents like the girl
in “White Oleander?” Because that’s the only reasonable
scenario I can come up with to explain how you turned out so
cartoonishly evil.
Or
are you just terminally fucking
stupid? Who thinks to cover
children in aluminum foil? Did
you just confuse where you heard the aluminum foil idea? Like maybe
your mother, or trailer trash
foster parent, said something
to you about aluminum foil once and you were only half listening, and
what you thought were childcare instructions were actually
directions for baking a
casserole.
Or
perhaps you’re just greedy and selfish. Are you afraid the price of
soap and toothbrushes will cut into your six figure salary? This is
the richest nation in the world and we can’t buy a toothbrush?
Dentists are literally giving them away. I’m past due for a
cleaning. My
dentist is seriously stalking me. I’m sure I could negotiate a
handful a toothbrushes in exchange for allowing
the dentist to remove
my plaque as he so desperately desires.
You
can’t provide better sleeping conditions for children than concrete
floors accompanied by florescent lighting? Dog
beds is a thriving industry in this nation for fuck’s sake.
Speaking
of dogs, you feckless cunt,
this isn’t the first time you’ve made the news for something
stupidly cruel.
Last summer
you were supposed to appear in court for litigation on the
reunification of families separated at the border. You
told a federal judge you were unavailable because you had to go to
Colorado to dog sit. Children in your care died while you were taking
care of someone else’s dog. So
in addition to this pile of child murdering bullshit you’ve
created, I have to worry about
the dog’s safety as well.
Eight
year-olds are changing diapers. When a second grader recognizes the
immediate needs of a baby and you don’t, it should really suggest
to you that you’re in the wrong line of work. Although, I don’t
know what
line of work is good for a child neglecting, dog abusing, senseless,
self-indulgent, waste of a
human organism her white trash mother should have aborted with a
rusty coat hanger.
Warm
Wishes,
Donna
Troy
I
know the rusty coat hanger thing may be a bit harsh, but Sarah throws
infants in cages to die in their own filth. She may get her feelings
hurt, but to quote the First Lady’s wardrobe, “I really don’t
care. Do you?”
Namaste,
Bitches
