Lasso of Truth

Anne Hathaway is an actress who a lot of people hate for no reason. A while back there was an article out about this important topic. I realized that I hated Anne Hathaway for no reason. I felt bad for hating Anne Hathaway even though I don't know her and, most likely, will never meet her. But hating someone for no reason is weird.

Les Miserables was a horrible movie that I didn't want to see in the first place. At the time, a friend of mine had a crush on Russell Crowe. We had an agreement that I would see Russell Crowe movies with her and she would see Johnny Depp movies with me. This was a stupid agreement. At no time were we both having fun at the movies. There is nothing wrong with going to the movies by yourself, ladies.

The singing in this movie was so bad I wanted to stab myself in the eardrums with my car keys. The one bright spot was Anne Hathaway. Her singing was pitch perfect and emotional and all that good shit. Yet, I didn't want to admit she gave a solid performance because I hated her for no reason.

Hillary Clinton is also a person people dislike for no reason. People are constantly going on about how they can't stand her and don't trust her. Granted, I only care about my stupid opinions and no one else's, but I need to know what Hillary and I are up against. So I ask people why they don't trust her. The answers they give are as reasonable as my dislike of Anne Hathaway. And it's weird.

Hillary Clinton is the Anne Hathaway of the election. She has the most solid performance record, but everyone believes she has some secret evil plan that will unfold once she is in the White House. If you ask what that secret evil plan is, no one can tell you. Actually, they shouldn't be able to tell you because it would be the worst secret evil plan of all time if everyone knew about it.

If you believe Hillary Clinton is out to get us all with her secret evil plan, I urge you to check out this article full of easily verifiable facts:

"Why do they hate Hillary Clinton so much?"

If you're still with me, you either already agree with me or you're really damn stubborn. Really damn stubborn people, let's take a look at some of the most revered Presidents in our nation's history. I am going to tell you why each one of them was a devious, dishonest son of a bitch.


George Washington

"I cannot tell a lie" is a lie. The whole cherry tree story is bullshit. It' completely made up. Some may claim this doesn't prove Washington was dishonest as this story was invented by a biographer after his death. I claim he couldn't have been that virtuous if the biographer couldn't dig up one factual example of his honesty.

Hillary Clinton is a candidate who cares deeply about global warming and by extension, trees. We will never have to face a cherry tree scandal with Hillary in the White House.


Thomas Jefferson

Jefferson is guilty of the most outrageous case of nepotism ever. He freed all the slaves whom he fathered and no others. He didn't even free his baby mama.

Extensive DNA testing has confirmed Hillary Clinton doesn't have a secret family of slave children.


Andrew Jackson

His nickname was Indian Killer. He ordered the murders of Native American women and children because they had the audacity to be here first and didn't immediately relocate when whitey came to town. Every time you pull out a twenty dollar bill you're looking at the portrait of a serial killer.

Hillary Clinton is not a genocidal psychopath. Although, if she were to order the extinction of orange people, I can't promise I would object.


Abraham Lincoln

Lincoln is perhaps the most important president in our nation's history. He was The Great White Hope for millions of slaves. Most of us were taught to believe he ended slavery with the Emancipation Proclamation. He did free over three million slaves, but he left a half million fucked. The Emancipation Proclamation only applied to Confederate states. Five hundred thousand slaves in Union states were told to suck it. That's messed up.

I am happy to report slavery has been abolished in Union states and Hillary Clinton has no immediate plans to bring it back.


Franklin Roosevelt

Franklin and Eleanor were distant cousins. I don't care how distant. You should never marry someone with the same last name as you. This may not make FDR untrustworthy, but it makes him a creeper. How much do you trust a creeper?

Hillary and Bill are not blood relatives. I feel confident in stating Hillary is not a creeper. I do not feel confident stating the same for Bill.


Dwight Eisenhower

Operation Wetback. This was actually a thing.

Hillary Clinton has plans to release a workout video called "Operation Backfat."


John F Kennedy

He used and abused Marilyn Monroe then passed her on to his brother like a pair of hand-me-down sneakers. After Bobby had no more use for her, they had her murdered, which in turn sparked Joe Dimaggio to have JFK assassinated by Lee Harvey Oswald. Meanwhile, Frank Sinatra was pissed because Kennedy unfriended him due to his mob connections. Unfriending someone was way worse back then because you had to do it in person as Facebook wouldn't be invented for another fifty years. Sinatra agreed to help Dimaggio by hiring Jack Ruby to kill Oswald as Oswald was a bit of a loose cannon. The rest is history.

We don't know if Hillary Clinton has orchestrated any murders because she is organized and discreet, which is more than I can say for these jokers. Deep down, don't we want a President with the ability to discreetly orchestrate a murder?


Namaste, Bitches

Bare Naked Ladies

Donald Trump attacked Heidi Cruz because Melania Trump posed nude for GQ magazine. Then Ted Cruz and The Donald traded insults via Twitter, which prompted the National Enquirer to run a piece accusing Ted Cruz of adultery. This has truly been an enlightening episode in our democratic process. I learned Ted Cruz has a wife and her name is Heidi.

Because Trump is a narcissist who needs constant attention like a two-year-old, he feigned outrage that the nude photo of Melania was "leaked." He does have a point. The photo was taken aboard his private jet by the photographers of British GQ for publication in their magazine. Obviously, it was a private photo meant only to be seen by Trump and his closest friends. His closest friends being the entire United Kingdom.

The photo was "leaked" in an evil plan hatched by anti-Trump people. They believed some uptight, puritanical people would object to a photo of Melania naked on a fur rug while handcuffed to a briefcase. In truly devious evil-plan fashion, they argued this isn't the First Lady image America would like to project. This evil plan was foiled as they didn't know Trump had beans to spill on Heidi Cruz.

Beans. Were. Spilled.

In the tradition of all classy, sophisticated, worldly billionaires and Presidential candidates, Trump eloquently explained why Heidi Cruz would be a disaster as First Lady. She's ugly. Just look at that face.

She's obviously hideous, with her perfect teeth and flawless skin. If you're like me, you had no idea Heidi Cruz was ugly until Trump told us. I'm so grateful he brought this significant issue to light, enabling voters to make an informed decision.

People are unfairly labeling Donald a misogynist just because he believes having a young hot wife makes him a bigger man. Also, because he judges women by their looks. And also, because he makes no attempt to hide his hatred for intelligent women who won't pose nude on a fur rug aboard his private jet. And also, because he uses sexists terms like bimbo. And also, because he said he would like to date his daughter. And also, remember this lady?

Carolyn Kepcher, former Trump executive and star of The Apprentice. Trump fired her because she became famous on his reality show and he didn't care to share the attention. He then replaced her with his daughter whom he would like to date.

To be fair, other than Heidi and Carolyn, Donald has only publicly bashed a few other women: Rosie O'Donnell, Martha Stewart, Carly Fiorina, Hillary Clinton, Cher, Barbara Walters, Bette Midler, Michelle Malkin, Arianna Huffington, Kim Kardashian, Rhianna, Miss Universe, Columba Bush, Ivana Trump, Marla Maples and Megyn Kelly.

In addition to Donald being unfairly portrayed as the villain, some people believe Melania Trump is a victim of slut shaming. By "some people" I mean Donald and Melania Trump. Slut shaming isn't a thing. Women who pose nude for photos make a choice knowing some people will find that choice distasteful. Whether it's Kim Kardashian-West or a possible future First Lady, these women aren't victims as the term slut shaming would imply. It's not slut shaming. It's slut naming.

Kardashian-West and Melania Trump have more in common than the recent backlash over their nudie pics. They're both "models." They're both famous because... ? They both married rich, egocentric, willfully ignorant assholes who believe they were meant for greater things like being President or Jesus. Both of their husbands are grown men who fight with strangers on Twitter because that’s mature behavior worthy of the President or Jesus. Both of their husbands gave their sons arrogant names like Saint and Barron. Why would any woman put up with this bullshit?

Now, I ain't saying she's a gold digger, but...

Namaste, Bitches

This Is The Song That Never Ends...

Did you know that Barack Obama is still President? You may have forgotten about him because the campaign for the November 2016 election began in April 1986. Choosing a President is an important decision and it shouldn't be rushed, but if you need two years to make up your mind, you're probably one of those undecided voters who goes to the voting booth without having made a choice. Make a decision already. You're holding up the line. Or better yet, don't vote at all if you're that stupid.

Wishy-washy people who annoy me aside, our election process needs to be streamlined. If we make a few tweaks to the system I think we can get this thing down to three months.

Presidential Requirements

Everyone with a pulse and Ben Carson announced they were running for President last year. All these people are eligible to run even if Donald Trump perceives them as a threat and makes a dumbass declaration of their ineligibility. Under the Constitution, even lack of a pulse doesn't disqualify a person from becoming a Presidential candidate. Pizza Hut has more requirements for delivery drivers than the Constitution has for President.

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Number of Requirements for Presidential Candidates - 3

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Number of Requirements for Pizza Hut Drivers - 6

Though Pizza Hut delivery people have more of an impact on my daily life than the President, I can't help think it should be harder to run for President than it is to deliver pizza.

The current requirements to run for President:

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Must be 35 years of age or older

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Must be a natural born citizen

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Must be a resident for 14 years

These are truly shitty requirements. Pizza Hut would be sued for discriminatory hiring practices if they used these job requirements. Despite these bullshit rules, over 247 million people are eligible to run for President. Let's get that number down. We don't even require a high school diploma to be President. We'll need an Amendment to the Constitution, which I am proposing and will be referred to as The Pizza Hut Amendment.


The Pizza Hut Presidential Requirements Amendment

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Must have a high school diploma or GED.

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Must maintain a courteous and professional attitude at all times.

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Must have a clean driving record.
(Borrowed that from Pizza Hut.)

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Must have two years related experience in public office even if it is mayor of Allgood, Alabama. (Actual town. Population: 622)

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Both the candidate and the candidate's spouse must be natural born citizens.
(I'm leaving this in because I fear a President Schwarzenegger. I added the spouse because I fear a First Lady Melania.)

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Must have strong problem solving capabilities, be a self-starter and a team player. As a potential President you will be called upon to solve many problems. During the hiring process you'll be asked how you may solve a hypothetical problem. We require a detailed and specific response. We will not accept answers such as, "If there was a problem, Yo, I'll solve it. Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it." (Donald Trump is to the Presidency as Vanilla Ice is to rapping.)

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Must have strong verbal and written communication skills. [Proficiency with MS Office a plus.] The American people need a clear message from the President. Please refrain from language that may be confusing or misleading.

For example: If a Presidential candidate were to say that Mexicans are rapists and follow that by saying, "Some, I assume, are good people," is he saying some Mexicans are good people or some rapists are good people? It's important for an informed electorate to know how a candidate feels toward rapists.

I took out the age requirement. If the American people want to vote for a candidate wearing a Justin Bieber tee shirt, then the American people deserve a President with Bieber fever. The natural born citizen rule will prevent Justin Bieber himself from becoming President.


Nominating Process

The nominating process will begin in August of an election year. The Pizza Hut Requirements should narrow the field of candidates. To be on the safe side, we will allow no more than five candidates for each party. Candidates will be chosen on a first-come-first-serve basis. The first five people to announce their candidacy in both parties are the candidates. If you're the sixth person to announce, we'll keep your résumé on file. Please feel free to apply again in four years.

Republicans and Democrats will have one debate each. Tom Brokaw is to come out of retirement to moderate the debates because CNN doesn't understand that news anchors shouldn't have names like Wolf and Poppy. How can you be the most trusted name in news when you trust people named Wolf and Poppy?

Candidates will be eliminated during the debates, thus ending the need for delegates, super delegates, Super Tuesdays, Super Saturdays, and Super Mario Brothers. I have no fucking clue what a super delegate is and I have no desire to learn. You may think immediate elimination on live TV is treating the Presidential debates like a reality show. It is.


Causes For Immediate Elimination During the Debate

Mentioning what your parents did for a living. No one cares if your mom was a maid and your dad was a chicken plucker. Brokaw's not having that shit.

Joking about the size of your dick or the size of your opponent's dick. Brokaw's not having that shit. (Thanks, Marco Rubio. You gave the whole country nightmares about Donald Trump's tiny orange dick.)

Invoking September 11th for political gain. Just. Don't. Brokaw's not having that shit.

Bitching about your opponents having more time to talk than you. Brokaw's not having that shit.

Agreeing to the rules of the debate, then blatantly not following them. Brokaw's not having that shit.

Any candidate who breaks these rules will hear Tom Brokaw say, "Brokaw's not having that shit." You must immediately return to your hotel room, pack your bags and leave.

Most of the candidates will break these rules within the first twenty minutes of the debate. The two candidates remaining are our nominees.

Some people may feel it's unfair they no longer get to caucus or vote in primaries. Too bad. Some people have been voting for Donald Trump. Brokaw's not having that shit.


Namaste, Bitches