Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Lasso of Truth

Anne Hathaway is an actress who a lot of people hate for no reason. A while back there was an article out about this important topic. I realized that I hated Anne Hathaway for no reason. I felt bad for hating Anne Hathaway even though I don't know her and, most likely, will never meet her. But hating someone for no reason is weird.

Les Miserables was a horrible movie that I didn't want to see in the first place. At the time, a friend of mine had a crush on Russell Crowe. We had an agreement that I would see Russell Crowe movies with her and she would see Johnny Depp movies with me. This was a stupid agreement. At no time were we both having fun at the movies. There is nothing wrong with going to the movies by yourself, ladies.

The singing in this movie was so bad I wanted to stab myself in the eardrums with my car keys. The one bright spot was Anne Hathaway. Her singing was pitch perfect and emotional and all that good shit. Yet, I didn't want to admit she gave a solid performance because I hated her for no reason.

Hillary Clinton is also a person people dislike for no reason. People are constantly going on about how they can't stand her and don't trust her. Granted, I only care about my stupid opinions and no one else's, but I need to know what Hillary and I are up against. So I ask people why they don't trust her. The answers they give are as reasonable as my dislike of Anne Hathaway. And it's weird.

Hillary Clinton is the Anne Hathaway of the election. She has the most solid performance record, but everyone believes she has some secret evil plan that will unfold once she is in the White House. If you ask what that secret evil plan is, no one can tell you. Actually, they shouldn't be able to tell you because it would be the worst secret evil plan of all time if everyone knew about it.

If you believe Hillary Clinton is out to get us all with her secret evil plan, I urge you to check out this article full of easily verifiable facts:

If you're still with me, you either already agree with me or you're really damn stubborn. Really damn stubborn people, let's take a look at some of the most revered Presidents in our nation's history. I am going to tell you why each one of them was a devious, dishonest son of a bitch.

George Washington

"I cannot tell a lie" is a lie. The whole cherry tree story is bullshit. It' completely made up. Some may claim this doesn't prove Washington was dishonest as this story was invented by a biographer after his death. I claim he couldn't have been that virtuous if the biographer couldn't dig up one factual example of his honesty.

Hillary Clinton is a candidate who cares deeply about global warming and by extension, trees. We will never have to face a cherry tree scandal with Hillary in the White House.

Thomas Jefferson

Jefferson is guilty of the most outrageous case of nepotism ever. He freed all the slaves whom he fathered and no others. He didn't even free his baby mama.

Extensive DNA testing has confirmed Hillary Clinton doesn't have a secret family of slave children.

Andrew Jackson

His nickname was Indian Killer. He ordered the murders of Native American women and children because they had the audacity to be here first and didn't immediately relocate when whitey came to town. Every time you pull out a twenty dollar bill you're looking at the portrait of a serial killer.

Hillary Clinton is not a genocidal psychopath. Although, if she were to order the extinction of orange people, I can't promise I would object.

Abraham Lincoln

Lincoln is perhaps the most important president in our nation's history. He was The Great White Hope for millions of slaves. Most of us were taught to believe he ended slavery with the Emancipation Proclamation. He did free over three million slaves, but he left a half million fucked. The Emancipation Proclamation only applied to Confederate states. Five hundred thousand slaves in Union states were told to suck it. That's messed up.

I am happy to report slavery has been abolished in Union states and Hillary Clinton has no immediate plans to bring it back.

Franklin Roosevelt

Franklin and Eleanor were distant cousins. I don't care how distant. You should never marry someone with the same last name as you. This may not make FDR untrustworthy, but it makes him a creeper. How much do you trust a creeper?

Hillary and Bill are not blood relatives. I feel confident in stating Hillary is not a creeper. I do not feel confident stating the same for Bill.

Dwight Eisenhower

Operation Wetback. This was actually a thing.

Hillary Clinton has plans to release a workout video called "Operation Backfat."

John F Kennedy

He used and abused Marilyn Monroe then passed her on to his brother like a pair of hand-me-down sneakers. After Bobby had no more use for her, they had her murdered, which in turn sparked Joe Dimaggio to have JFK assassinated by Lee Harvey Oswald. Meanwhile, Frank Sinatra was pissed because Kennedy unfriended him due to his mob connections. Unfriending someone was way worse back then because you had to do it in person as Facebook wouldn't be invented for another fifty years. Sinatra agreed to help Dimaggio by hiring Jack Ruby to kill Oswald as Oswald was a bit of a loose cannon. The rest is history.

We don't know if Hillary Clinton has orchestrated any murders because she is organized and discreet, which is more than I can say for these jokers. Deep down, don't we want a President with the ability to discreetly orchestrate a murder?

Namaste, Bitches


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