Saturday, March 5, 2016

Orange is the New Black

Eight years ago our nation had an exciting presidential election.  On one side we had a candidate vying to be our nation's first woman Vice President.  On the other side we had Barack Obama who would become the first black President of the United States.

Things are just as exciting this year.  Hillary Clinton WILL become the first woman President.  She just has to.  Donald Trump believes he will be the first orange President.  (I know everyone makes fun of his orange skin and it's a cheap shot, but my title doesn't work if I don't say it.  Besides, it's true.)

Look how far our nation has come.  In the final year of Obama's presidency we have a GOP front-runner who has received a glowing endorsement from the Ku Klux Klan.  And those people are hard to please.

In further exciting presidential news, today I am announcing my candidacy for President of Mexico. Yes, I will be the first United States citizen to run for President of Mexico.

My fellow Mexicans, I know that we have some issues to sort out before I can run.  For instance, I am not a fellow Mexican.  I don't speak Spanish.  I don't know how your elections work or if it's even an election year in your country.  I know even less about your government, but I do know this, I will be the greatest non-Mexican President of Mexico in all of Mexico's history.

I don't know the biggest concerns of your citizens or what problems your country faces.  I don't know my way around because I've never been to Mexico, but I've seen the movie La Bamba, and that was about a Mexican family living in the United States.  I know that it's every Mexican citizen's dream to move to the US and become a rock star, and with your support I can help make that dream come true.

My campaign slogan will be: Make America Remember How Much They Liked the Movie La Bamba Again.  If you make me your president, we will remake La Bamba and cast a Mexican actor in the lead role.  (I don't know his heritage.  I'm just assuming Lou Diamond Phillips is not Mexican based solely on his name.)  Indeed if I am elected President of Mexico, I promise you the new La Bamba will have a happy ending.  The plane will not crash on my watch.

Now, I realize my policies may not be popular with everyone.  If you're under thirty-five, you've probably never heard of La Bamba and have no idea what I'm talking about.  You may think it's stupid to mention America in my slogan to run for President of Mexico, but I promise you if elected I will make "La Bamba" our country's national anthem.  Because it's a great song and I don't know any other Mexican songs.  And by know, I mean I'm familiar with it.  I don't know the lyrics or anything because, as I mentioned before, I don't speak Spanish.

I do know some Spanish words.  The ones that were taught on Sesame Street during the late seventies and early eighties.  I also know that in Mexico, Sesame Street is called El Plazo Sesamo.  Did you know that in the US, Sesame Street is on HBO now?  That's some bullshit.  Parents have to pay for a premium channel so their children can enjoy the fine educational programming they used to be able to watch for free on PBS.  No wonder half the country is getting behind Tiny Hands Trump.

So, in conclusion if you vote to make me your first non-Mexican President of Mexico, I promise El Plazo Sesamo will always be free as long as the Children's Television Workshop doesn't fight me on that.

(Disclaimer: My candidacy for President of Mexico is my plan B if Trump wins the US election. If Hillary Clinton becomes President I will suspend my candidacy, abandon you and go back on all my campaign promises.)

Gracias, La Bamba, and Namaste, Bitches


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