Wednesday, March 16, 2016

In Her Satin Tights, Fighting For Your Rights...

Hillary Clinton stands a strong chance of being elected the first woman President of the United States. (Go, Hillary 2016! Woo!) As happy as this makes me, sexist people won't stop pissing me off. A lot of people don't like her, but that's true of all presidential nominees. (Read my previous blogs if you need examples.) Not supporting Hillary Clinton doesn't make a person sexist. Saying ignorant shit about women makes a person sexist. With the gloriousness of the first woman President shimmering before us, ignorant shit looms close behind. Below is a list of ignorant shit that needs to stop, because Hillary and I aren't having it. (Hillary and I are on a first name basis. She's not aware of it, but we are.)

Ignorant Shit That Needs To Stop Because Hillary and I Aren't Having It

Complaining that Hillary "shouts."

Bernie Sanders doesn't have an inside voice, and no one has a problem with it. I don't have a problem with it. I have a problem with attributing the volume of one's voice to her ability to govern. Watch any one of the Republican debates and the men are all shouting at each other. WOMEN ARE ALLOWED TO RAISE THEIR VOICES IF THE MOMENT CALLS FOR IT!!!

If you are someone who still has an issue with Hillary's "shouting," all TV and mobile media devices have volume control. Turn the sound down. It's a simple solution. I don't know why I had to tell you that, Bob Woodward.

Stating Hillary needs to be likeable.

The two leading nominees of the Republican party are the two least likeable people in the campaign. They may be the two least likeable people on Earth.

We're not voting for the next American Idol. I'm sure of this because when I vote for American Idol, I vote for everyone except the person I want to go home. They wouldn't let me do that when I voted in the primary.

Discussing Hillary's pantsuits.

I'm sick and tired of hearing about her damn pantsuits.

We can't have a woman president because she'll bomb a country when she gets her period.

As we all know, lack of access to nuclear weapons is the only thing preventing women from bombing the shit out of everything during menstruation. Despite having my period when presented with the Dumbass Period Theory, I resisted the urge to blow anything up.

If you're still worried about the period issue, Hillary Clinton is 68 years old. It's not an issue. Period.

Talking about abortion when someone brings up women's issues.

Things concern women that have nothing to do with our reproductive systems. For instance, we're very concerned about health care. Specifically, why Viagra is covered under most health insurance plans and birth control is not. This is an important health care issue.

Stop talking, Sarah Palin.

You wouldn't know a petty-ass thug if he were your woman-beating son. (Why hasn't there been a Lifetime Original Movie about her? Baked Alaska: The Sarah Palin Story.)

Saying stupid shit like the "gender card."

If I understand correctly, this is how the gender card works. Hillary mentions becoming the first woman President. Gender card played. Immediately all women in the world are under her spell and can't resist voting for her.

Men and magic-resistant women should be accused of sexism for calling out the gender card play.

First, why didn't I get my gender card? Does anyone know who's in charge of this?

Second, let me clarify a few things. Yes, saying someone played the gender card automatically makes you sexist. If you believe women have some kind of Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants voting agreement, see Number 6.

Finally, why are we supposed to act like a woman President isn't a big deal? It's a big fucking deal. If a woman President isn't a big deal, why haven't we had one? Answer: See Number 6.

Namaste, Bitches


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