Saturday, March 2, 2019

The Trump Stank Redemption

Either Janis Joplin or Jerry Springer once sang, “Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.” With nothing left to lose, Michael Cohen voluntarily appeared before congress to come clean about all the shit he lied about the last time he appeared before congress.

Michael Cohen was Donald J. Trump's attorney for ten years. In that time he threatened and bullied people on behalf of Donald J. Trump. He committed crimes on behalf of Donald J. Trump. He perjured himself on behalf of Donald J. Trump. 

He has recently been sentenced to three years in prison for crimes and perjury he committed on behalf of Donald J. Trump. And Donald J. Trump was all like, “I barely knew the guy. The fake news media likes to call him my lawyer and fixer. They add that, fixer. But he was one of my attorneys. And he made some payments for me, but, and people want to know – were they from campaign. Because that's kind of a big deal if they were from campaign. So he made some payments for me, but I wasn't aware of them. And he did some work for me off and on for something like, ten years maybe. So I barely knew the guy.” It was at this point Michael Cohen realized his employment with Donald J. Trump was, perhaps, a poor career choice.

If you didn't have seven hours in the middle of a weekday to watch the Michael Cohen testimony, I highly recommend you go to your YouTube and watch it immediately. Well, immediately after you read this blog. I did go to all the trouble of writing it. Anyway, it was the best show on television all week. And don't tell me you don't have seven hours to watch it. Everybody watches TV in seven hour stints now. If we didn't, binge watching wouldn't be a phrase in our common vernacular. If you're going to be stubborn about it, at least watch the opening and closing statements of Elijah Cummings, Jim Jordan, and Michael Cohen. And while you're watching Jim Jordan self righteously express his revulsion for liars, you should know Jim Jordan lied to protect a man who sexually abused students when he was a wrestling coach at Ohio State. 

Here is everything you need to know about the activity between the opening and closing statements.

Knowing people would be leery of believing a convicted liar, Michael Cohen brought validating documentation to the hearing. Things like financial statements clearly proving Trump committed bank fraud. And checks signed by Donald Trump and Donald Trump, Jr. to reimburse Cohen for the Stormy Daniels pay off. 

Republicans desperate to save Trump asked who would write a check when committing a crime. Jerry Springer. Jerry Springer did that. I think we all know Donald Trump is just Jerry Springer in reverse. Springer went from politician to trashy TV host. Trump went from trashy TV host to politician. When Jerry Springer was the mayor of Cincinnati he paid a hooker with a check. Which begs the question, what kind of hooker accepts checks? If I may offer some advice to any prostitutes who may be reading this: Never accept a check from a pervert. You have no legal recourse if a trick gives you a bad check. Think, ladies.

Regardless of Michael Cohen's past lies, his testimony at the hearing rings true of what we already know of Donald Trump based on his own public behavior. He's a racist self-serving con-artist. I take no pity on Michael Cohen nor any other Trump enabler. Trump couldn't have risen to power without his many enablers. I mean, I could declare myself Queen of America, but it's meaningless without people willing to say, “Yes, Donna Troy is my queen and no man's law shall stop me from fulfilling the queen's will.” Although, if Michael Cohen is looking for someone new to enable, I could use some help getting this whole queen thing off the ground.

Anyway, Trump's current enablers, republican house members, remained strong in their conviction that Michael Cohen shouldn't be believed because he lied to protect Trump the last time he appeared before congress. You see, they believe Cohen lied when he told them Trump wasn't involved in the Stormy Daniels payment, therefore, he must be lying now when he says Trump was involved in the Stormy Daniels payment. And while making this convoluted argument, they displayed the kind of hysterical faux outrage that's usually followed by flying furniture on The Jerry Springer Show.

And now I would like to address NC Rep. Mark Meadows. Because telling white people when they're being racist is apparently my job now. (Dear White People, Dear White Trash, Sans Regret). Mark Meadows strongly objected to Cohen's assertion that Trump is racist. To prove Trump is not racist, Mark Meadows found a black lady who works for Trump and paraded her around like a slave on an auction block. Later, Representative Rashida Tlaib said it was totally racist to parade that lady around like a slave on an auction block. And Mark Meadows had a totally racist meltdown.

He shouted to Elijah Cummings, “Mr. Chairman, you are my black friend. Now, you tell them I'm not racist. You know me. Tell them, Black Guy, tell them I'm not racist. My nieces and nephews are people of color. Not many people know that.”

Now please excuse me while I write an open letter to Mark Meadows.

Dear Mark Meadows,

Why have you been keeping the ethnicity of your nieces and nephews secret? Because it kind of sounds like you're ashamed. Regardless, having relatives of color doesn't prove you aren't racist. President Obama once spoke of the racist shit his white grandma used to spew.

Also, losing your shit when someone calls you racist is a pretty clear sign that you're racist. It's like on Orange is the New Black when Pennsatucky was in the mental ward. And she kept banging against the walls shouting, “I'm not crazy.” And the nurse said, “If you weren't crazy you wouldn't have to try so hard to convince people that you're not crazy.”

Stay cool, Whitey.

Kind Regards,
Donna Troy

Undeterred by facts or evidence, the republicans continued in their vain attempts to discredit Cohen's testimony. And they somehow believed John Dean's appearance on CNN the previous evening would do that. I don't think reminding people of a key witness in Real Watergate is a wise move during Stupid Watergate. You may recall John Dean was Nixon's attorney. When he testified against Nixon republican senators chose not to believe him either. Then the Nixon tapes were released and Dean's testimony was corroborated verbatim. John Dean also served time in federal prison for crimes he committed on behalf of Richard M. Nixon.

During his CNN appearance John Dean offered the advice he would give to Michael Cohen if asked. And the republican house members decided the unsolicited advice of John Dean was their gotcha moment. They repeatedly questioned Cohen about the advice he received from John Dean. Despite there being no proof John Dean or Michael Cohen have ever met. And despite having no way of knowing if Michael Cohen was even watching CNN that night. So Michael Cohen said he's never spoken to John Dean. And he wasn't watching CNN that night. Although, if I may offer some unsolicited advise to Michael Cohen: John Dean is the only other person alive who's been in your exact situation. You'd be wise to reach out to him for advice. You can trust me. I give dependable unsolicited advice. Previously in this very blog, I offered excellent unsolicited business advice to hookers.

Despite the best stupid efforts of the republican house members, Michael Cohen rather credibly implicated the Trump family in crimes we were already pretty sure they committed. It was a bad day for Donald Trump, Donald Trump, Jr., Ivanka Trump, Jared Kushner, and possibly, Eric Trump. I mean, Eric's name came up once or twice, but I'm still not really sure what he does.

It was also a bad day for Sean Hannity. He wasn't mentioned during the hearing, but Michael Cohen only had two other clients besides Donald Trump: Some guy who's name I've forgotten and don't feel like looking up and Sean Hannity. Trump enablers increasingly find themselves in prison and no one enables Trump more than Sean Hannity.

Now please excuse me while I write an open letter to Sean Hannity.

Dear Sean Hannity,

Tick Tock, Motherfucker.

Best Wishes,
Donna Troy

It was a great day to be Tiffany Trump, however. For once being the bastard child your father never wanted and consistently ignores didn't lead someone on a road toward prison. Or an appearance on The Jerry Springer Show.

Namaste, Bitches

Sunday, February 17, 2019

Sans Regret

One day I was in a small shop. The owner was in the back when I selected my purchase. As I waited at the register with my merchandise, a young woman entered and began looking around. When the owner emerged, he stopped suddenly on his way to the register. He looked at me, then looked at the other woman and walked over to her. He said, “Can I help you?” She said, “No, I'm just looking around if that's alright.”

I was pissed because he ignored me when I was ready to check out while the other woman was clearly browsing. I assumed he did this because the other woman was younger and cuter than me and this guy was a total creeper. I was tempted to leave, but he kept staring at that woman in a super pervy, “To Catch a Predator,” type way. I didn't want to leave her alone with him. He started ringing up my purchase, but continued starting at the other woman while barely acknowledging my presence.

Finally, the other woman was creeped out enough to leave the store. The moment she departed, Creepy Store Owner finally acknowledged my presence. In a mocking tone he said, “I'm just looking if that's alright. If you don't speak to them, you're ignoring them. If you do, you're harassing them.” The other woman was black. Did I forget to mention that?

I'm sure people who live in a white privilege bubble will say things like:

“So what? If they don't shop in that store, there won't be a problem.”


“If they never go outside, police won't shoot them for no reason. And there won't be a problem.”

Bullshit like this fills me with such rage I have no choice but to pull out my laptop and blog about it. I pound the keyboard excessively hard as I type to punctuate my rage. That's right. I'm willing to risk carpal tunnel to fight injustice. You're welcome, America.

In my previous post, Dear White Trash, I addressed my distaste for people who are cool with blackface. I only discovered people who have a peculiar emotional attachment to blackface after my sister shared a previous post entitled, Dear White People, on her Facebook page. Though my intentions were good, it seems I may have hurt people with my offensive use of the term, white trash. Please excuse me while I write an open letter of apology to white trash.

Dear White Trash,

I am deeply sorry you were offended to learn of your white trashiness. Based on your public comments, which are all like, “#MAGA! Trump was sent by God to save us all from imaginary problems,” I foolishly assumed I couldn't possibly be the first to call you white trash.

Perhaps, we can use this moment to build a bridge of unity over a river of rainbows, or however you see the world from your perch atop White Privilege Mountain.

If you would so indulge me, please take a moment and really think about how being called white trash made you feel. Sure it pissed you off, but on the plus side, the person who said it – me – has no power over your lives.

Now, take a look at this picture of a current sitting governor.

This man is in a position of power and you thought black people should just shrug it off. And then tried to paint yourselves as the victims.

Now please indulge me as I share some lyrics from I'm Not Racist by Joyner Lucas.

“And even if I wasn't picking cotton physically
That don't mean I'm not affected by the history
My grandmama was a slave, that shit gets to me
And you ain't got no motherfucking sympathy” 

I'm also deeply sorry to have mentioned the extent to which our hometown was, and is, immersed in racism. It seems your memories are as camouflaged as your clothes. I could list numerous examples of racism, but one should suffice. There was a KKK march in our town in the nineteen-motherfucking-eighties. I'd like to forget it happened too, but alternative facts are just lies we tell ourselves to avoid confronting nasty shit. I don't care what Kellyanne Conway says.

One of you rambled incoherently about my post showing what's really in my heart. Uh, yeah, I was pretty open and deliberate with my words. Perhaps, you should give a little more thought to what you choose to show.

You see, Facebook is located on this thing called the World Wide Web. This means people all around the world can see everything you post. And when you post on the timeline of a person from high school, people from your high school aren't the only ones reading it. When we declared our abhorrence for this:

And someone responded with this:

“When will we stop trying to perpetuate racial tensions? Let's not look for racism. Let's not go backward. For your one instance of racism I see hundreds of unity in my church.”

That was extremely hurtful to people I care about. People who felt the sting of this:

I shall now quote a friend who so poignantly stated how those comments affected her:

“You know in my adult years I have literally gone through the stages of grief when it comes to race. I've been sad, angry, even depressed. The only reason why they don't want people to “dig” for racism is because they know it will expose them. She basically pulled the 'I'm not racist. I have a black friend.' Thank you for using the color of my skin as a token to make you feel better.”

And now, since you're all Trump supporters, it is my duty as a snarky blogger to block the on-ramp to the moral high road you so clearly believe you're entitled to. 

Ladies and Gentlemen and White Trash: The President of the United States

“A well-educated black has a tremendous advantage over a well-educated white in terms of the job market. I think sometimes a black may think they don't have an advantage or this and that... I've said on one occasion, even about myself, if I were starting off today, I would love to be a well-educated black, because I believe they do have an actual advantage.” - Donald Trump, September 13, 1989 

“I want five children, like in my own family, because with five, then I will know that one will be guaranteed to turn out like me,” - Donald Trump, September 1, 1990

“You know, it doesn't really matter what the media writes as long as you've got a young and beautiful piece of ass.” - Donald Trump, 1991

“You have to treat 'em [women] like shit.” - Donald Trump, November 9, 1992

 “I love the poorly educated.” - Donald Trump, February 24, 2016

“Wow! Just think — in a couple of years I’ll be dating you.” - Donald Trump to two 14-year-old girls in 1992

“I'm gonna be dating her in ten years.” - Donald Trump of a 10-year-old girl, in 1992 - CBS News

“I'll go backstage, before a show, and everyone's getting dressed and ready and everything else. And you know, no men are anywhere. And I'm allowed to go in because I'm the owner of the pageant and therefore I'm inspecting it. You know I'm inspecting, I want to make sure everything is good, the dresses, "Is everyone OK?", you know they're standing there with no clothes, "Is everybody OK?", and you see these incredible-looking women, and so I sort of get away with things like that.” - Donald Trump commenting on his ownership of Miss Universe, April 11, 2005

“If Ivanka weren't my daughter, perhaps I'd be dating her.” - Donald Trump on The View, March 6, 2006

“I sort of hope a housing crash happens because then people like me would go in and buy.” - Donald Trump,  November 4, 2006

“If Hillary Clinton can't satisfy her husband, what makes her think she can satisfy America?” - Donald Trump,  April 16, 2015

“He's a war hero 'cause he was captured. I like people that weren't captured, OK? I hate to tell you.” - Donald Trump, July 8, 2015

 “You could see there was blood coming out of her eyes, blood coming out of her wherever.” - Donald Trump about Megyn Kelly, August 7, 2015

“I could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody, and I wouldn't lose any voters.” - Donald Trump, January 23, 2016 

“They said, "Mr. Trump, there may be somebody with tomatoes in the audience." So if you see somebody getting ready to throw a tomato, knock the crap out of them, would you? Seriously... Okay? Just knock the hell... I promise you I will pay for the legal fees, I promise. I promise.” - Donald Trump, February 1, 2016 

“I love the old days. You know what they used to do to guys like that when they were in a place like this? They'd be carried out on a stretcher, folks. I'd like to punch him in the face, I'll tell you.” - Donald Trump, February 22, 2016

"By the way, if you had some guns in that club the night that this took place, if you had guns on the other side, you wouldn't have had the tragedy that you had. If people in that room had guns with the bullets flying in the opposite direction right at him." - Donald Trump on the Orlando nightclub shooting,  June 2016

“Saddam Hussein was a bad guy. Right? He was a bad guy, really bad guy. But you know what he did well? He killed terrorists. He did that so good. They didn't read them the rights -- they didn't talk, they were a terrorist, it was over.” - Donald Trump, July 5, 2016

(The Source these stats are credited to does not exist. Fact.) 

“You know what, I wanted to hit a couple of those speakers so hard. ... I was gonna hit one guy in particular, a very little guy. I was gonna hit this guy so hard, his head would spin. He wouldn't know what the hell happened.” - Donald Trump, July 29, 2016 

“I like the challenge and tell the story of the coal miner’s son. The coal miner gets black-lung disease, his son gets it, then his son. If I had been the son of a coal miner, I would have left the damn mines. But most people don’t have the imagination — or whatever — to leave their mine. They don’t have “it.” - Donald Trump, 1990 Playboy Interview

“I moved on her, actually. You know, she was down on Palm Beach. I moved on her, and I failed. I’ll admit it. I did try and fuck her. She was married. I moved on her like a bitch. But I couldn’t get there. And she was married. Then all of a sudden I see her, she’s now got the big phony tits and everything. She’s totally changed her look. Yeah, that’s her. With the gold. I better use some Tic Tacs just in case I start kissing her. You know, I’m automatically attracted to beautiful — I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab ’em by the pussy. You can do anything.” - Donald Trump, 2005,  Access Hollywood

I now see the error of my ways. It was low class of me to refer to people as white trash. From this day forward I shall follow the meritorious example set by our president and carry myself with the same grace and dignity.

So again, allow me to offer my sincerest apologies to those I offended. I'm terribly sorry you're so goddamn dumb. Deep down in the cockles of my heart lies a small place which takes pity on witless assholes. Unfortunately, the part which yearns to mercilessly ridicule them is dominant.

Sans Regret,
Donna Troy

Namaste, Bitches

Sunday, February 10, 2019

Dear White Trash

In my last post I took a brave stance against blackface. I'm sure you're all thinking, “Wow, Donna, that was super badass of you. Taking a stand on civil rights in the year 2019. You're truly a trail blazer.” While I do try to be a ride or die kind of bitch, I have to admit I didn't expect any blow black on my blackface piece. At least not from people I know. Because I make it a point not to associate with people who are down with blackface. Imagine my surprise when I found myself in my first ever Facebook fight with someone I completely forgot existed.

I'm from West Virginia. My hometown has one stop light that is completely unnecessary. As far back as I can remember all I ever wanted was to get the fuck out of this one light town. In 1998 I got the fuck out. This brings us to the present. I've been writing this blog for three years. My sister has posted every piece on her Facebook page for the past three years. Person I Forgot Existed has never commented on any post, thus allowing me to continue forgetting her existence. That is, until my sister posted my brave stance against blackface. And Person I Forgot Existed lost her shit. The rest of this piece will be dedicated to mocking Person I Forgot Existed. Because she totally fucking asked for it.

Before I continue, however, I would like to point out that not everyone from my hometown is a useless piece of white trash shit. There are good, intelligent and compassionate people who don't deserve to be lumped in with the rest of them. For example, there is my sister, my mom, my dad, Tricia and Melanie. There are more than five good people, but in the interest of time I'm only giving shout outs to those I know read my blog.

During the entire twenty years I lived in my hometown the African American population was two. Despite only knowing two black people, who most everyone seemed to like, racism thrived. People tossed the N-word around with reckless abandon. It made no sense. Why such hatred for black people? They're not here. They can't be affecting your lives at all. Racists in cities with an African American population higher than two can at least make up dumbass excuses for their hatred. They claim black people are responsible for drugs, crime and lower property values. But Person I Forgot Existed can't even say that.

Here's a tip for spotting racists: Any white person who jumps at the chance to call black people racist is totally racist. Like this jackass I used to know got all worked up over BET. He was all like, “Tell me how that's not segregation to call it Black Entertainment Television.” So I told him. “I've seen white people on BET. People of all races are welcome to watch it.  Their target audience is black and that's perfectly okay. Because the target audience of most networks is white and you're perfectly okay with that.” And then he was all like, “But you couldn't have a network called White Entertainment Television.” And I said, “No, but we have a network called Country Music Television, which I think we both know is not-so-secret code for white people.” We haven't spoken since and I'm perfectly okay with that.

Remember how they tried to make honky a thing in the seventies as the white equivalent of the N-word. George Jefferson really pushed it hard, but it never landed. Because white people haven't suffered the pain of enduring centuries of enslavement, violence and oppression, the only people offended by the word honky were racist.

So this Honky I Forgot Existed went on a rambling diatribe proclaiming racism no longer exists. For real. 

She made one small concession to the existence of racism. And I quote, “I guess if you’re looking for it, then yes you can find it.”

My roommate, Dee Dee On The Street, has requested I respond with her favorite Malcolm X quote:

“We didn't land on Plymouth Rock. Plymouth Rock landed on us.” (Note to the reader: You should shout that out loud when you read it, then slam your fist on a table or other flat service in your vicinity.)

I shall try to sum up the long-winded rant from Person I Forgot Existed. It seems by acknowledging racism I am “sowing the seeds of discord” when I should be calling for unity.

Because I've read more than one book in my life, I'm aware of another call for unity. On April 12, 1963, eight white clergy men in Birmingham, Alabama wrote an open letter entitled, A Call For Unity. In the letter, they took issue with civil rights demonstrations "directed and led in part by outsiders." The term “outsider” was a thinly veiled reference to Martin Luther King, Jr. And as we all know these white Christian leaders totally solved racism and Martin Luther King recently celebrated his ninetieth birthday. And February is Black History Month to honor those courageous white men.

Anyway, Person I Forgot Existed claims racism has been eradicated because she attends a multi-cultural church. And by simply ignoring racism it went away. I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to a middle-aged woman that ignoring problems won't make them go away. I've spent twenty years ignoring white trash and they came for me with a resentful vengeance because I dared to declare my staunch animosity for blackface.

Now please excuse me while I write an open letter to Person I Forgot Existed.

Dear Sanctimonious Cunt I Forgot Existed,

Bitch, you don't score bonus Jesus points because your church isn't whites only. I'm not sure why you think it's admirable of you to mix with the other races every Sunday from nine to ten, but no.

I don't know why you felt the need to jump on my sister's timeline and bore us all with your self-proclaimed virtue. This was about the current racist scandal in the Virginia government, which directly affects the lives of millions of citizens. This song ain't about you, Bitch.

Although, please indulge me while I share some lyrics from a song that is about you, I'm Not Racist by Joyner Lucas.

“I'm not racist, my sister's boyfriend's black
 I'm not racist, my sister-in-law's baby cousin Tracy
 Got a brother and his girlfriend's black”

"The lady doth protest too much, methinks." That's from Hamlet, which I'm sure you've never read.

I see from your Facebook timeline you spent the entire Obama administration referring to him as B. HUSSEIN Obama. And calling him an amoral Muslim. And posting memes for the sole purpose of “pissing off liberal democrats.” Your exemplary public display of strong Christian values is truly beyond reproach. Also, memes aren't a credible source of information. It's weird you don't that.

President Obama didn't choose his own name. There were many people named Adolph before Hitler rose to power. Their names say nothing of their character. Purposely distorting someone's name in a derogatory manner says a lot about your character, though.

Also, President Obama is not Muslim. But it shouldn't matter if he were Muslim. Again, I shouldn't have to explain this to a person your age. There are some bad Muslims, but they don't define all people of the Muslim faith. If I were to judge all Christians by the standard you've set, I would have to assume all Christians are unconscionable cretins.

Please indulge me while I share more lyrics from I'm Not Racist by Joyner Lucas.

“You hated President Obama, I know that's a fact
 You couldn't wait to get him out and put a cracker back
 And then you gave us Donald Trump and now it's payback for that
 I'm not racist, I never lied
 But I know there's a disconnect between your culture and mine”

As you have publicly denied the existence of racism, I banish you to the Land of People I Forgot Existed. I dub thee an unperson. That is from the book Nineteen Eighty-Four by George Orwell, which I'm sure you've never read.

Defending blackface is inexcusable, indefensible and stupid. And posting your defense of blackface on my sister's timeline was epically stupid. You know her. You had to know this wouldn't end well for you.

My sister and I recently did 23andMe DNA tests. Our results came back 100% Bitch. You'd be wise to remember that, you Cracker-Ass Cracker.

Warm Wishes,
Donna Troy

Namaste, Bitches


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