Friday, September 13, 2019

Two Turntables and a Microphone


The third democratic primary debate was hosted by ABC. Due to the existence of so many twenty-four hour news channels I haven’t watched network news in a long time. I didn’t realize how long it had been until I tuned into the debate and wondered where Ted Koppel was. Then I wondered if Ted Koppel is still alive. So I looked it up and I’m happy to report he is alive.

There were four moderators and I only recognized two of them, George Stephanopolous and Jorge Ramos. I have no idea why I know Jorge Ramos. He’s the anchor for Univision, which I don’t watch because I don’t know Spanish. Weird. Anyway, I had never heard of the other anchors and I didn’t bother learning their names because I had ten candidates to keep track of. Therefore, I’d like to apologize in advance to Black Lady and White Guy With Way Too Much Product In His Hair.

I may start watching network news again. Because ABC treated the debate with the dignity one might expect in a presidential debate. The MSNBC debate became The Chuck Todd Show. CNN treated the debate like the boardroom segment of The Apprentice. They even had an absurd reality show opening which turned me off before the debate began. So ABC has won me over and I may learn the names of Black Lady and White Guy With Way Too Much Product In His Hair. Eventually. If I feel like it. I did just put a lot of effort into the mystery of Ted Koppel.


Kamala Harris and Elizabeth Warren are my top two bitches and nothing in the debate changed my mind about that. And now I’d like to take a moment to address a mansplainer on Twitter. In a previous post, Hindsight Is 2016, I wrote about how it’s totally fucked up that we haven’t had a woman president. So Twitter Mansplainer told me I should vote for the most qualified person and not base my vote on gender. And I was all like, “Dude. I didn’t make a woman president a big fucking deal. Society did. Because if it wasn’t a big fucking deal we would have had a woman president by now.”

Also, I didn’t say I wouldn’t vote for a man. I said I would go on a rampage if I didn’t get a woman president. It’s a free country. I can go on a fucking rampage if I want to. Then Twitter Mansplainer told me he’s been fighting misogyny his whole life and I should reconsider and blah, blah, blah. For the record, one cannot be an arrogant mansplaining jackass and fight misogyny at the same time. I finally had enough of this guy and I was all like, “For fuck’s sake, I accused Julian Castro of having an evil twin. I shouldn’t have to explain to anyone that I wasn’t serious about that.” Twitter Mansplainer did not respond. Either he got the message or he found someone else to annoy.

Just so everything is clear, I do not believe Julian Castro has an evil twin. After watching the debate, I have concluded that Julian is the evil twin. Joaquin is the good twin. Julian was kind of a dick on this night.
  
Healthcare took up almost the entire first hour of the debate. Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren are pushing Medicare For All. We all know from the Hot Mic Incident of 2010 that Joe Biden believes the Affordable Care Act to be a big fucking deal. So obviously Joe wants to keep the ACA and improve on that. 

 
Everyone else thinks there should be some sort of Variety Pack where you can have Medicare or you can keep your current insurance provider if you so love your current insurance provider. To which Elizabeth Warren replied, “I’ve never met anyone who loves their insurance provider.” And that’s why Elizabeth Warren is my bitch.

In the nineties Mitt Romney and Ted Kennedy were debating for a senate seat. Romney said the Kennedys were only in it for the money. And Ted Kennedy was all like, “You stupid motherfucker. You have to know I’m going to take this opportunity to talk about my three dead brothers, right?”

I mention this because Bernie Sanders started yelling about cancer to Joe Biden. I say yelling to, instead of yelling at, because Bernie only speaks at one loud volume, making it kind of hard to tell if he’s mad or not. Regardless, Biden recently lost his son to cancer, so it was kind of easy to tell that he was mad.

Then it was Julian Castro’s turn and he went on the attack against Joe Biden. Right after Biden talked about his dead son. So that was kind of a dick move. Castro misrepresented what Biden said about healthcare. And Biden was all like, “That’s not what I said.” Then Evil Twin Julian was all like, “Yes, it is. You just said it two minutes ago. Have you already forgotten what you said two minutes ago? Seriously, you don’t remember what you said two minutes ago? Come on, it was two minutes ago. You don’t remember? You’re so old you can’t remember what you said two minutes ago? Are you better off now than you were two minutes ago?”

Not only did Julian look like an asshole for picking on Biden’s age, but he was completely wrong about what Biden said. You can be an obnoxious asshole or you can be stupid. But you can’t be both. We already have a president like that.

Then Mayor Pete jumped in and said, “This petty bullshit is why people don’t like politics.”

And Julian said, “It’s called a democratic primary election.” Lamest comeback ever. And unfortunately, that was Julian’s third strike. He’s out. Perhaps, the good twin can run in his place.


I shall now copy CNN and list the Winners and Losers from the debate. I’m copying the idea, not their actual list. Because I never agree with their list.

Winners:

Elizabeth Warren – She’s my bitch and I already explained why.

Kamala Harris – She’s my top bitch. She used her opening statement to tell Trump he will be indicted and nothing the Fox and Friends say is admissible in court. Later, she described Trump as the little dude behind the curtain in The Wizard of Oz. I loved that, but I do have to deduct a point because the little dude behind the curtain is The Wizard of Oz. It’s the most watched movie of all time. How could she not know that?


Cory Booker – My sister pointed out that Cory Booker looks like Angry Obama Translator from the Key and Peele skit. Therefore, I can no longer look at Cory Booker without laughing. But that’s not his fault.


Many people, including me, made fun of Cory Booker’s attempt at speaking Spanish in the first debate. Jorge Ramos asked Cory if he believed everyone should follow his vegan diet.

Cory: No. I’ll translate that into Spanish. No.

Well played, Cory Booker. Well played.

Mayor Pete – At the end of the evening the candidates were asked about surviving shit or overcoming shit or some shit like that. And Mayor Pete said something like, “Yeah, so I was a mayor in Indiana and Mike Pence was governor. I wanted to come out, but I had to face the very real threat that Mike Pence would have me kidnapped and taken to one of those “Pray Away The Gay” camps. But I came out anyway. And now I’m coming for Mike Pence. But not in a gay way. So suck on that, Mike. But not in a gay way.”


Bernie Sanders - Bernie is on the winners list for wearing me down. I don’t know which is the best healthcare plan. I do know that Bernie is never going to shut up about Medicare For All. He was asked about gun control and his answer was pass Medicare For All. Let’s just pass the damn bill because Bernie is making me tired.

Beto O’Rourke – Beto’s coming to your house and taking your AK-47. And he made a point I’ve been making for years. The Second Amendment doesn’t give you the right to own any weapon. He said, “We don’t allow people to own grenade launchers.” That’s fucking right, Beto. The Second Amendment is the right to bear arms. Lots of things are arms. Who the fuck decided it only applies to guns? If the Second Amendment people really took it literally they would be fighting for their right to own bombs. And if the Supreme Court would simply read my blog, they would learn their interpretation of the Constitution is wrong.

Losers:

Andrew Yang – He pulled some Willy Wonka bullshit with his opening statement. If you go to Yang.com and enter his contest, you can be one of the golden ticket winners to receive twelve thousand dollars. Also, the money he’s giving away isn’t his. It’s money from his campaign donors. And also, I’m not entirely sure his website is Yang.com. If you go to Yang.com, I’m not responsible for what you find. I could look up his actual website, but I already did the Ted Koppel thing.

Amy Klobuchar – She didn’t have a single original line all night. I shall now provide quotes.

There is more that unites us than divides us.” - Amy Klobuchar quoting Hillary Clinton

A house divided cannot stand.” - Amy Klobuchar quoting Abe Lincoln

Houston, we have a problem.” - Amy Klobuchar quoting Tom Hanks

Julian Castro – He was kind of a dick. I already covered that.

Winner/Loser:

Joe Biden – Joe did fine in the debate overall, but he did have a fucked up moment. I don’t understand why he has such trouble answering questions about race. He was the vice president to the first African American president. He should be doing better on the subject of race.

So Black Lady asked him about a statement he made on slavery in 1975. In 1975, Joe did not feel he was responsible for things that happened three hundred years ago. This is how he should have answered:

Black Lady, I’ve changed my views on a lot of things since 1975. In 1975 I thought Barney Miller was a good show. But when I catch a rerun now I see it was a truly stupid show.”

Then we would have all agreed Barney Miller was a stupid show and moved on. 

 
Instead Joe turned into that Miss South Carolina from ten years ago:

I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some, uh, people out there in our nation don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq.”

Joe not only went Miss South Carolina. He went Crazy Angry Miss South Carolina.

There is segregation. And in schools, poorer families, my wife is a teacher and my dead wife was a teacher. And the kids come to them, but they don’t have all the answers. So we need social services to go into homes and help them, because it’s not that they neglect the children, but they don’t have the tools. No one has showed them how to raise their children. And families need to turn on the radio, no the microwave, no the Nintendo, no it’s the record player. The record player. Families need to play the record player at night with the children and -”

White Guy With Too Much Product In His Hair tried to cut Joe off and he wasn’t having it.

No! I’m going to keep talking. Venezuela. That’s not new.”

And then, I guess, he was done.

Julian Castro was called on next. But he couldn’t say shit about Biden’s shit show of an answer because he’d already played his dick card.



Namaste, Bitches

Tuesday, August 20, 2019

It's a Hard Knock Life

When I was in my twenties a co-worker told me the captivating story of where he was when Elvis died. Former co-worker had purchased tickets to an upcoming Elvis concert which did not occur due to the untimely death of Elvis. His dumbfounded response to the news of the King's death was, “But I have tickets...” I was about to ask if he got a refund when he asked me if I remembered where I was when Elvis died. I said, “I don't remember where I was, but I'm sure I shit my pants. Because I was four months old.” Former co-worker then got all kinds of mopey because I made him feel old. And he'd been mourning the loss of Elvis for twenty five years.

I miss the days when being born the same year Elvis died meant I was young. However, it does mean I always know how long Elvis has been dead. Which is forty two years for the record. Knowing this leads me to wonder why Trump awarded Elvis with the Presidential Medal of Freedom late last year. He also awarded Babe Ruth, who I believe has been dead longer than Elvis. But I'm not sure because Babe Ruth didn't die the year I was born.

To be fair he did award some living people. Like Orrin Hatch who won’t drop dead despite my repeated pleas for him to do so. And someone like Orrin Hatch, who won't die already, showed up to receive his award from Trump because it’s his only chance to receive such an honor. Because who the fuck else would give Orrin Hatch an award? You know, unless the senate gives out certificates of participation. 


Anyway, living entertainers and athletes probably would have boycotted the awards. At least, the A-list ones would have. I’m sure he could have booked appearances by Kid Rock or the non-Alec Baldwin who’s a super Christian Trump supporter. Stephen maybe? The one who’s decided dick riding Trump is a better career move than riding Alec’s coattails. It’s not. If it were I would have gone to the effort of Googling him to make sure I’m talking about the right Baldwin. He’s not worth a Google. 


Regardless, I'm assuming that's why Trump chose to award dead entertainers and athletes. And I find Elvis to be the most fascinating dead choice Trump made.

You may be thinking to yourself, “Donna, why are you talking about Baldwins and Elvis when there are much more important matters to discuss? Trump is still forcibly orphaning children and locking them in cages.” Don’t be so fucking impatient. I’m building to a point.

Remember how Trump avoided the draft because his foot hurt or something? Excuse me, I mean, because he was rich and his foot hurt or something. Elvis was drafted shortly after hitting it big and becoming a rock star. Although no one knew to call him a rock star because that phrase hadn't been invented yet. Instead of using his fame and fortune to avoid the draft, Elvis walked away from his career for two years while he served in the U.S. Army. People with only a passive interest in Elvis believe this is because he was super patriotic or because the fifties was a simpler time when people didn't dodge the draft. But hardcore Elvis fans know the real reason Elvis wasn't a draft dodger. And that reason was Colonel Tom Parker. 

 
Most people know about Elvis and the Colonel, however, if you're very young or simply never cared, I'll break it down for you. The Colonel was a dirty carnie who first saw a teenage Elvis playing state fairs and crap like that. Girls went crazy for Elvis because he was hot and he could kind of sing. The Colonel quickly realized he could cash in on this young hick who was hot and could kind of sing. The Colonel convinced Elvis he should manage his career, which he did until the day Elvis died in 1977 of either a heart attack, an overdose, or constipation.

Through all those years Elvis was the Colonel's only client and the Colonel totally ripped him off. He took half of his money and made all kinds of side deals so he could make money off of Elvis without actually having to pay Elvis. Basic dirty carnie stuff. He was still pulling this shit after Elvis died. The Colonel sold stolen Elvis property back to the Presley family. 


This brings us back to the fifties and the draft notice that took away the Colonel's only source of income for two years. It was the Colonel who insisted Elvis report for duty and not try to dodge the draft. It was the Colonel who insisted Elvis donate his entire army pay to charity. You may be wondering why a dirty carnie who literally stole from a dead man would be willing to lose his cash cow for such a long period of time. The Colonel didn't want the government poking around in his business. Because Colonel Tom Parker wasn't a colonel and his name wasn't Tom Parker. His name was Andreas Cornelis van Kuijk and he was an illegal immigrant. And no one knew until he died in 1997.

Despite his celebrity status and weird accent, the Colonel managed to keep his immigrant status secret. I'm assuming because he was white. I've never heard of anyone wanting to build a wall to keep the Dutch out. Although, we may want to consider it. There is speculation the Colonel fled the Netherlands because he was the suspect of a murder. 


To this very day, we all know the name Elvis Presley due to the shady actions of one Colonel Tom Parker, aka Andreas Cornelis van Kuijk. By awarding the Presidential Medal of Freedom to Elvis Presley, Donald Trump endorsed the conduct of Colonel Tom Parker, who is quite possibly the most successful illegal immigrant in U.S. history. And possibly a murderer. But definitely a dirty carnie.

And with that ostentatious display of Trump’s immigration hypocrisy, I shall now address the plight of babies in cages.

Sarah Fabian is an attorney for the Office of Immigration Litigation. A video of Sarah ineffectively arguing against the benefits of providing soap to forcibly orphaned immigrant children went viral last month. A link to the video was sent to me by a friend, along with a two word directive: Finish Her.

Now please excuse me while I finish the bitch.


Dear Sarah,

Was your mother one of those teen moms who gave birth in a bathroom stall, then dropped you in a Dumpster so she could go back to the prom? Then Baby Sarah was discovered by a janitor and dropped off at a fire station, where you were then turned over to foster care, then went through a series of trailer trash foster parents like the girl in “White Oleander?” Because that’s the only reasonable scenario I can come up with to explain how you turned out so cartoonishly evil.

Or are you just terminally fucking stupid? Who thinks to cover children in aluminum foil? Did you just confuse where you heard the aluminum foil idea? Like maybe your mother, or trailer trash foster parent, said something to you about aluminum foil once and you were only half listening, and what you thought were childcare instructions were actually directions for baking a casserole.

Or perhaps you’re just greedy and selfish. Are you afraid the price of soap and toothbrushes will cut into your six figure salary? This is the richest nation in the world and we can’t buy a toothbrush? Dentists are literally giving them away. I’m past due for a cleaning. My dentist is seriously stalking me. I’m sure I could negotiate a handful a toothbrushes in exchange for allowing the dentist to remove my plaque as he so desperately desires.

 
You can’t provide better sleeping conditions for children than concrete floors accompanied by florescent lighting? Dog beds is a thriving industry in this nation for fuck’s sake.

Speaking of dogs, you feckless cunt, this isn’t the first time you’ve made the news for something stupidly cruel. Last summer you were supposed to appear in court for litigation on the reunification of families separated at the border. You told a federal judge you were unavailable because you had to go to Colorado to dog sit. Children in your care died while you were taking care of someone else’s dog. So in addition to this pile of child murdering bullshit you’ve created, I have to worry about the dog’s safety as well.

Eight year-olds are changing diapers. When a second grader recognizes the immediate needs of a baby and you don’t, it should really suggest to you that you’re in the wrong line of work. Although, I don’t know what line of work is good for a child neglecting, dog abusing, senseless, self-indulgent, waste of a human organism her white trash mother should have aborted with a rusty coat hanger.

Warm Wishes,
Donna Troy

I know the rusty coat hanger thing may be a bit harsh, but Sarah throws infants in cages to die in their own filth. She may get her feelings hurt, but to quote the First Lady’s wardrobe, “I really don’t care. Do you?”



Namaste, Bitches

Wednesday, August 14, 2019

What White Nonsense Is This?

My Twitter account was temporarily suspended because I called Bill O’Reilly a cracker-ass cracker. To be fair, I knew I was violating Twitter rules. However, knowing this racist sex offender is free to roam the earth violates my rules.

Also, it’s kind of hysterical that I, a middle-aged white lady, had my account suspended for using a derogatory term for white people.

Anyway, I called the racist sex offender a cracker-ass cracker because he tweeted this:




I replied several times with images of Trump’s racist tweets. I have a file full of them for just such an occasion. 


I called Bill a cunt in one of the trolling replies I posted. That tweet is still live on Twitter while the cracker-ass cracker tweet has been removed.




You may be wondering why cracker-ass cracker is worse than cunt. It’s not. Twitter is a cracker-ass cunt. Case in point:  They haven’t suspended Trump’s Twitter account and I have a file full of his racist tweets. And I report that racist sex-offending cracker-ass cracker for violating Twitter rules all the time. 


I know it was probably a Fox News viewer/cracker-ass cracker who reported my tweet, but I choose to believe that Bill himself read it and I got under his skin. That makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. In fact, it made me feel so good I logged into one of my other Twitter accounts and continued trolling Bill O’Reilly. I will not be silenced by a sex offending cracker-ass cracker.


Nor will I be outsmarted by something called Twitter. Therefore, I shall continue to use the term, cracker-ass cracker, with wild abandon in this blog. Then I shall tweet a link to this blog for all the Twitterverse to see. Suck on that, Twitter, you cracker-ass cracker.


Now let us take a look at some of the greatest cracker-ass cracker moments in Bill O’Reilly history.

Bill O’Reilly on Trayvon Martin: “The reason Trayvon Martin died is because he looked a certain way. It wasn’t based on skin color, if Trayvon Martin had been wearing a jacket…and a tie…I don’t think George Zimmerman would have had any problem with him. And that way is how “gangstas” look and therefore he got attention.”

Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Bill O’Reilly.

Dear Cracker-Ass Cracker,

I don’t know a single teenage boy of any race who would be wearing a jacket and tie while hanging out in his own backyard. You can’t shoot someone for wearing a hoodie. That is not justifiable homicide.

You also can’t shoot someone for looking “gangsta.” Imagine if we started shooting people who look “rapey.” You are a known sex offender so you’ve got that rapey look about you. You might want to think that through before you advocate shooting people based on their looks.

Also, don’t say “gangstas” because it makes you sound like a cracker-ass cracker.

Warm Wishes,
Donna Troy


Bill O’Reilly on Rape Victims: In 2006, O’Reilly referred to an 18-year-old rape and murder victim, as “moronic” for getting her car towed in New York City while she was drunk. He said, “She was 5-foot-2, 105 pounds, wearing a miniskirt and a halter top with a bare midriff. Now, again, there you go. So every predator in the world is gonna pick that up at two in the morning.”

Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Bill O’Reilly.

Dear Cracker-Ass Cracker,

Where were you at two in the morning on the night in question?

I find your detailed description of the victim combined with your bizarre need to defend the rapist quite suspect. And, of course, the peculiar way you defended the murderer of Trayvon Martin isn’t helping your case. And also, as I’ve previously established, you are a rapey sex offender. You better have a solid alibi because I intend to troll you on Twitter until you confess, you cracker-ass cracker.

Good Luck,
Donna Troy

Bill O’Reilly on Bill O’Reilly, Sex Offender: “You know, am I mad at God? Yeah, I’m mad at him. I wish I had more protection. I wish this stuff didn’t happen. I can’t explain it to you. Yeah, I’m mad at him.”

Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Bill O’Reilly.

Dear Cracker-Ass Cracker,

I’m not a religious person, but I was quite perplexed as to why you expected some mystical supreme being to protect you from the consequences of your own actions. Therefore, I decided to ask God what would lead a rapey cracker-ass cracker to believe he was entitled to special godly protection.

Much to my surprise, a voice in my head replied to my query. I don’t know if the voice was God or my own imagination, but let’s just say it was God.

First of all, you should know God is a woman. I know this for a fact because her voice sounds exactly like mine. And she was kind of pissed that you kept referring to her as a him. She was all like, “I know Bill is a white man in America, but not all powerful beings are white men. And he needs to know that.”

And then God said unto me, “Donna, you and I both know Bill O’Reilly is kind of a rapey prick and a total cracker-ass cracker. You were right to call him that and I’m more powerful than Twitter, so you’re good. My job as God is to protect the victims of Bill O’Reilly, not the sex offender, Bill O’Reilly. Bill was a rapey prick to a considerable amount of women and he comes crying to me because he lost his job. I’m all like, dude did a lot of nasty things and he still gets to be a rich white man in America. He needs to stop whining like a little bitch or I shall hail my wrath upon or something all vengeful God-like. And he needs to know that.”

Then I thanked God for taking the time to answer my question because I know she’s really busy with all your victims. But now you know why God didn’t protect you. I hope this clears things up for you, you cracker-ass cracker.

Kind Regards,
Donna Troy


Moving on to other cracker-ass crackers, last week I was in West Virginia visiting family. My sister and I were traveling along Route 7 when we saw this sign in a yard.


We found this most ridiculous as Route 7 is literally in the middle of nowhere. And I’m not exaggerating. The people who live there have to drive an hour just to buy groceries. Or maybe they just fry up some roadkill. I don’t know. Anyway, I’m completely baffled as to why the Route 7 people want or need the wall. Hispanics make up one percent of the population of West Virginia. And that’s rounding up. Even if that percentage was higher the Route 7 people have nothing to worry about. People who come to America looking for a better life aren’t going to find it on Route 7 frying up roadkill.

Continuing down the road, we came across an area where someone actually mowed, “TRUMP 2020” into the hillside. I made my sister pull over so I could get a picture. I didn’t think anyone would believe it if I didn’t have photographic evidence. I don’t know if there’s anything more cracker-ass crackerly than using a riding mower to make a political statement.


This brings me to my sister’s run in with a distant cousin. Though I doubt said cousin will ever read this I’m changing her name to avoid a family feud. I shall hereinafter refer to her as Rae Rae.

Rae Rae: Where are you living now?

Sis: Ashburn, VA

Rae Rae: We lived in Manassas for three years. I hated it there because of all the Mexicans. Well, I don’t have to tell you. You know what they’re like.

Sis: No. I don’t. What are they like?

Rae Rae: Well, I was at the laundromat one time and there were about seven of them in there. And they kept trying to talk to me.

And that is Rae Rae’s entire issue with the Mexicans of Manassas. Seriously. That’s the whole story.

Now please excuse me while I write an open letter to the Mexicans of the Manassas laundromat.

Dear Mexicans of the Manassas Laundromat,

I’m sorry my white trash cracker-ass cracker cousin mistook your genuine friendliness for an act of aggression.

Also, I know there’s a better than average chance you’re not even Mexican. My white trash cracker-ass cracker cousin assumes all brown people are Mexican.

So, just deepest apologies for my white trash cousin’s cracker-ass cracker ways to all people who frequent the Manassas laundromat.

Warm Regards,
Donna Troy


Namaste, Bitches

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