Monday, December 10, 2018

Dead End



Last week the nation mourned the passing of President George H. W. Bush. Because we have some kind of moral code stating it's wrong to speak ill of the dead, the news was all like, “It's the end of an era. He was the last great statesmen. He was the last president from World War II.” I mean, defeating the Nazis was super important, but I think it's about time we reign in this World War II hero worship. I don't care what Tom Brokaw says. It's obnoxious to call any generation The Greatest Generation.

We've been in two wars for like seventeen years now. That's almost three times as long as World War II. I'm waiting for a Brokaw book called Multiple Generations Fighting Multiples Wars With Seemingly No End In Sight. The first soldiers to fight in Afghanistan are now too old for combat. It's like how M*A*S*H stretched out the three-year Korean War into eleven years. By the end Alan Alda had quite obviously aged. His hair was all gray. And it was weird because Hawkeye was drafted. And the Army doesn't draft old people.  


It's important to remember Bush 41 was responsible for some horrific things. Like Clarence Thomas. And George W. Bush. However, Bush 41 did one very important thing the countless obituaries failed to mention. In 2016 former republican President George Herbert Walker Bush voted for Hillary Rodham Clinton. He recognized Donald Trump as a danger to society and a crusher of Bush souls, such as Jeb, and to a lesser extent, Billy. George voted for the only person who could defeat Trump. He didn't wuss out and vote third party. Since Bush had the backbone to fight Nazis to the very end of his life, Brokaw may write a book about him. He'll probably call it Natural Woman. Because more people will buy it if they mistakenly believe it's about Aretha Franklin. That's the kind of shady shit Brokaw pulls. He wrote a book called The Time Of Our Lives after Patrick Swayze died and it's not about Patrick Swayze. 


The funeral of Bush 41 forced a devastating realization upon me. Trump is entitled to a state funeral. I've been living in fantasy world since the day he was elected. I've always assumed Trump would eventually die broke and alone in a federal prison. And we, as a nation, would agree never to speak of him, or this horrible chapter in our history, ever again. But this is not to be. 


The death of George Bush reminded me of the death of Richard Nixon. I was a teenager when Nixon died and I remember being annoyed because his funeral interrupted my regularly scheduled programming. My exact thoughts were, “What the fuck. Everybody hates Nixon. I can't believe I'm missing Days Of Our Lives because a bunch of posers want to act like they give a shit now that he's dead. Whatever, America.” (It was the nineties. Posers was a totally cool thing to say.)


I guess if we can't pretend like Nixon never happened, the same goes for Trump. I'm still hopeful he'll die in a federal prison. He is entitled to Secret Service protection for the rest of his life, though. I'm not sure how that would work in prison. It'll be a real letdown if he doesn't get beat up. I mean, Robert Downey, Jr. got beat up in prison. And people like him.

Please indulge me while I go back to my fantasy world and dream of the day Trump dies. Let's look to the future. The day is January 16, 2019. I'm watching The Rachel Maddow Show. (Bush 41 once called Rachel Maddow a sick puppy for reasons I'm not totally clear on. Regardless, it's a pretty lame insult. Not to mention completely insensitive to poor sick puppies.) Rachel is explaining how The Chinese Exclusion Act of 1862, signed by President Chester A. Arthur, is connected to Trump's upcoming impeachment hearing when the following news breaks:

Donald John Trump, the 45th president of the United States has died. He was alone in bed, working his way through a bucket of KFC when he choked to death on a particularly tough piece of chicken skin. Though Secret Service agents were nearby at the time of the president's passing, they failed to notice he was suffering due to his persistent habit of talking with his mouth full while grunting.

The funeral is scheduled for later that week. Finding people to eulogize the president proves to be difficult. His oldest three children, his son-in-law, and most of his friends and cabinet members are already in federal prison for crimes ranging from hunting without a license to treason. All former presidents decline the invitation to speak as none feel they can get through Trump's funeral without laughing maniacally while poking at his rotting corpse. What follows is the eulogy given by his one remaining defective disciple.


Scott Baio
  
Donald Trump was a great man and an even better president. I saw a lot of myself in Donald Trump. We both believed in strong conservative values. We both spoke in plain English. No fancy words. We both liked golf. We were both accused of sexual assault by women who were totally asking for it. Some say Trump was lucky because the women accusing him weren't teenagers. But, again, I need to make it clear Nicole Eggert was eighteen when we had sex. She says she was sixteen. She's lying. Some people say it's still gross because I was in my thirties and if I dated age appropriate women I wouldn't have to worry about whether or not I was committing a crime. They're just jealous because they can't get hot teenage ass. Trump and I had that in common. People envied us.

We both got beat up on Twitter. Some people have asked why I don't quit Twitter if I don't like the way I'm treated. But if I do that, they win. The haters win. I have a right to express myself and make comments some people may not agree with. Trump – he was the same way. He was a fighter. Some people didn't think it was right to put babies in cages, but they don't realize those babies shouldn't have been here in the first place. They had to go somewhere. And Trump found somewhere to put them. I'm sure the haters are going to say, “Of course, Baio doesn't care about babies in cages. He fucks children.” But who defines what is a child? In some states the age of consent is fifteen and in others it's eighteen. That's what conservatives believe in – letting the states define their laws. That's what I believe. And that's what Trump believed. Even though he wasn't in office long, America is a little more greater because of Donald Trump.


Tom Brokaw will write a book about the Trump Administration. It will be called With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility: The Stan Lee Story. 



Namaste, Bitches


Saturday, October 27, 2018

The Postman Always Rings Twice



Back when Mel Gibson was hot he made a movie called Conspiracy Theory where he portrayed a paranoid taxi driver. A decade later a cop made an arrest called Mel Gibson's Drunken Meltdown where Gibson blamed Jews for all the wars and claimed the Holocaust was fake. After decades of hotness Mel Gibson instantly became gross to millions of women around the world.


Earlier this year Quincy Jones gave a long rambling interview where he claimed to know who shot Kennedy. I do too, Quincy. It was Lee Harvey Oswald. Accept it, America.

Speaking of Kennedy, it is time we come together as Americans and admit he is the most overrated president in history. Calm down, Baby Boomers. I'm not saying he was a bad president. I know he was your “cool guy” president. But I think we all know his greatness has been highly exaggerated due to his shocking and untimely death.

This brings me to the MAGA Bomber and one of the many ways he is stupid. Had he been successful the Bradford Exchange would be marketing commemorative Hillary Clinton plates in time for the holiday rush. They would triple the price of the Obama plates they already sell.

Now please excuse me while I write an open letter to the MAGA Bomber and any would be copy cat bombers.

Dear Potential Murderer(s),

I know you hate the Obamas and the Clintons because they want you to have healthcare or whatever, but killing them will only make them martyrs. They will become legendary Kennedy-esque figures in American History. Before you know it, we'll have universal healthcare with no ban on pre-existing conditions. Is that really the future you want?

Best of Luck,
Donna Troy

The targets of the MAGA Bomber were George Soros, Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, John Brennan c/o CNN, Maxine Waters, Joe Biden, Cory Booker, Kamala Harris, Eric Holder, James Clapper c/o CNN, Tom Steyer and Robert DeNiro. Of course, the real victim in all of this is Donald Trump. Just because he constantly incites his supporters to violence and specifically targets all the people the MAGA Bomber specifically targeted, people are blaming him for this. Who wants to live in an America where the president can't joke about the attempted mass assassination of his political adversaries?  If you said, “Yes, Donna, that is the America I want to live in,” but you didn't vote for Hillary Clinton in 2016, your ass better be building a time machine. (Third Party Voters, I will never forgive you.)

But back to the Mel Gibson of it all. Trump supporters have come up with some wonderfully implausible reasons not to blame Trump for this. I shall share my favorites with you now.

1.) Hillary and Obama sent the bombs to themselves according to one old man outside a Trump rally in Charlotte, NC. And what about the DNA evidence connecting the MAGA Bomber to the bombs? “I guess they hired him to do it then,” said Old Man. And what about the other ten victims? “They was probably in on it,” said Old Man.

You see everything can easily be explained away as long as you keep making shit up as you go along.

2.) “I heard something about Bernie Sanders,” said a woman outside a Trump rally in Charlotte, NC. She offered nothing further to connect Bernie Sanders to these crimes, yet felt it her civic responsibility to share what she heard with a reporter on live TV.

3.) Ann Coulter claimed people of “immigrant stock” are more likely to engage in political violence. It sounds like Ann is trying to scapegoat Melania Trump. Ann, I know you have a weird creepy crush on Donald Trump, but getting Melania out of the way won't get you anywhere. You're in your mid-fifties. Trump's not going to date a woman who isn't even twenty years younger than him. Get real.


4.) The Taxi Driver Curse is something I am making up. Years before Mel Gibson played a paranoid taxi driver, Robert DeNiro played a paranoid taxi driver in the movie Taxi Driver. Inspired by the movie Taxi Driver, John Hinckley, Jr. attempted to assassinate Ronald Reagan in 1981 to impress Jodi Foster. And now the MAGA Bomber has attempted to assassinate Robert DeNiro to impress Donald Trump. Due to the Taxi Driver connection in both assassination attempts, we must conclude the movie Taxi Driver is cursed.

Fun Fact: The Greatest American Hero is a TV show that debuted in 1981. The main character's name was originally Ralph Hinkley. After the attempted assassination of Ronald Reagan, the name was changed to Ralph Hanley. Another fun fact is more people remember the theme song to The Greatest American Hero than remember the show itself. The popularity of this theme song is a phenomenon that cannot be explained. You want to hear it now, don't you? Here's a YouTube link: Believe It or Not.

 
Despite the delusions of Trump supporters and my long-winded excuse to work in the theme song to The Greatest American Hero, most people weren't surprised to learn the MAGA Bomber is a middle-aged white man who loves the fuck out of one Donald J. Trump. And he lives in a van. And he has a violent criminal history. And he has a history of steroid abuse. I was surprised to learn the MAGA Bomber is a former Chippendales dancer. For some reason, I've never thought of male strippers as tragic figures. You tend to think of female strippers as abused teenage runaways with drug problems, but I've never considered the life paths of male strippers. I've blindly believed they're all fine young men working their way through law school while making a quick buck at a bachelorette party. 

Anyway, since the MAGA Bomber was a Chippendales dancer who lived in a van down by the river, I've included the following GIF for your viewing pleasure. I've also included the GIF for the viewing pleasure of my sister and her friends who are Swayze Crazy. Enjoy.

 
Namaste, Bitches

Sunday, October 7, 2018

And Justice For All



It's a dangerous time to be a man in America. If your name is Brett. I just yelled at a Copper Fit commercial because Brett Favre was in it. Poor Brett Favre. His only crime is being named Brett. I shouted to the TV, “I don't have low back pain, Brett Favre. Because I do yoga and not aggressive man sports like football with your violent tackling and whatnot.”

Poor Brett Favre aside, it's mostly only a dangerous time to be a man in America if you're a rapist. I can't help but notice those worried about men being falsely accused are people known to be kind of rape-y. Like the president. And his sons. And Clarence Thomas. And Bill Cosby's spokesperson.

This reminds me of Bill O'Reilly's imaginary War On Christmas. It also reminds me of Bill O'Reilly because he's kind of rape-y. The imaginary War On Christmas started when Americans who aren't members of the Christian faith asked for their rights to be acknowledged. They said, “Hey, remember freedom of religion and separation of church and state? That means you can't put the Ten Commandments and a nativity scene on the courthouse lawn.” Bill O'Reilly was all like, “Christians are being persecuted. They have declared a war upon Christmas. Our rights are being taken away.”


The truth was Christians hadn't lost any rights. They'd been helping themselves to rights they never had. And just like Bill O'Reilly Christians, Bill O'Reilly rapists have been helping themselves to rights they never had. Rape is not a right.  Although, I can see how Brett Kavanaugh has confused rapists. When a rapist appears in court it's usually as the defendant, not the judge. And that Ten Commandments thing probably didn't help either. Not a single commandment about rape. What's up with that?

Regardless, church-going rapist Brett Kavanaugh is now a Supreme Court Justice. And Donna Troy is fucking pissed. At men named Brett. At rapists. And at rapists named Brett. Donna Troy is super fucking pissed at fifty senators who put a rapist named Brett on the Supreme Court. However, I don't have all day so I shall aim my wrath at a select few. These senators have been chosen by their inability to shut up. You would think placing a rapist on the Supreme Court is a situation that can't be made any worse. Yet these senators have managed to do so. By their inability to shut up.

Senator Chuck Grassley apparently didn't think he had insulted women enough by placing a rapist named Brett on the Supreme Court. He stated there are no republican women on the Senate Judiciary Committee because it's a lot of work. He further described “a lot of work” as meeting every Thursday. 

Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Chuck Grassley,

Dear Senator Grassley,

Why won't you die already?

Warm regards,
Donna Troy

Senator Jeff Flake who's unsuccessful attempt at being on both sides of the rape issue wasted everyone's time. He used his leverage to have the confirmation vote delayed a week while the FBI conducted an investigation. During that very short week, Jeff Flake was hailed as a hero and he didn't shy away from it. He made several public appearances stating Brett Kavanaugh probably shouldn't be on the Supreme Court.

Then the FBI investigation wrapped up early. We learned the FBI was so restricted the investigation was basically a Google search. Jeff Flake glanced over the Google search results which mostly contained clips of Lindsey Graham proclaiming Kavanaugh's innocence. And Jeff Flake was all like, “Yep. I'm convinced. He's innocent.”

Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Jeff Flake.

Dear Senator Flake,

I hope one day you're leaving your office late at night, walking alone to your car in a dimly lit parking garage when you're suddenly attacked by a psychotic lunatic like that guy in Deliverance. Then you're brutally raped like that guy in Deliverance. I know this may sound harsh, but it's the only way you're going to learn.

Best Wishes,
Donna Troy
 

Senator Lindsey Graham keeps repeating some nonsensical rant about how well he treated Justices Sonia Sotomayor and Elena Kagan during their confirmation hearings.

“When you see Sotomayor and Kagan, tell them that Lindsey said hello to them because I voted for them. I would never do to them what you’ve done to this guy!”

I'm not sure what his point is because neither of them has ever been accused of rape. And I think he's mad about that...?

Anyway, Lindsey Graham is convinced of Kavanaugh's innocence because Kavanaugh forcefully defended himself. 
 


Now please excuse me while I write an open letter to Lindsey Graham.

Dear Lindsey,

Forcefulness is common trait among rapists. I don't think you really get rape. Perhaps you should read a book on the subject. Or watch Deliverance. Or shut the fuck up.

Sincerely,
Donna Troy

Democratic Senator Joe Manchin from my home state of West Virginia. Not only am I pissed because the only democrat to put a rapist named Brett on the Supreme Court is from my home state, but also, the last time West Virginia made the news for something good Mary Lou Retton was on a Wheaties box.

Please excuse me while I write an open letter to the state of West Virginia.

Dear People of West Virginia,

Get your shit together or I will burn this motherfucker to the ground.

To. The. Ground.

Your Fellow Mountaineer,
Donna Troy


Senator Susan Collins said of Dr. Ford, “I do believe she was assaulted. I don't know by whom and I'm not certain when.”

Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Susan Collins.

Dear Senator Collins,

Dr. Ford was assaulted by Brett Kavanaugh in the summer of 1982. I'm certain, you feckless cunt.

Cordially Yours,
Donna Troy


Namaste, Bitches

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