Witness For The Prosecution

A friend of mine was once sued over a bottle of Aquafina. True story. To protect my friend's privacy I shall refer to her as “Rachel” for the remainder of this story. So, anyway, Melissa had been seeing this guy who needed a car and had bad credit, which is quite typical of men who don't own cars. Melissa was all googley-eyed in love and let him buy a car using her good name and credit. The googley-eye eventually cleared up and Melissa broke up with her financially impaired boyfriend. The ex-boyfriend decided he no longer had to make car payments. He assumed the repo people wouldn't be able to find him since they had Melissa's address. Melissa soon tired of the collection calls and took it upon herself to repossess the car. She had it towed from the ex-boyfriend's place of business, the Target parking lot.

A few weeks later Melissa showed up at my place all depressed because Target guy was suing her for property he claimed was in the car. I read the documents and learned Target guy considered socks and bottled water to be valuable property. I told her I didn't know what she was so upset about. Either the judge would throw out the case or she could pay off Target guy with a ten dollar Target gift card.

The judge threw out the case and Target guy tried to win her back outside the courthouse. Melissa rejected his advances as she was fairly certain he was just hoping for a ride home.

Speaking of dumbass lawsuits - Donald Trump. The president spent the better part of the last three weeks making the case for his own impeachment. He was trying to do the opposite, but something about the best laid plans. Someone (Jared Kushner) finally convinced the president this Russia shit is for real and he should seek legal council. He hired attorney Marc Kasowitz, who previously represented Donnie with the Trump University fraud suits. And that went well. For the people suing Donald Trump.

Which brings us to that burning question: Is Trump terminally stupid or terminally arrogant?

To answer this question, let's take a look at some of my favorite dumbass Trump lawsuits from the past.

1973 – Fair Housing Act

The Justice Department sued Trump for violating the Fair Housing Act by refusing to rent to black tenants in 39 buildings.

Trump's lawyer, Roy Cohn, counter sued the government for $100 million. The counter suit claimed Trump did not know any black people personally, but he had seen Sanford and Son and neither Sanford nor his son lived up to the Trump brand image. It wasn't racist. It wasn't personal. It was just good business.

A federal judge threw out the Sanford and Son counterclaim, calling it “a waste of time and paper.”

It should be noted Roy Cohn previously represented Senator Joseph McCarthy during his big communist witch hunt in the fifties. Fact.

1990 Trump Taj Mahal

In April 1990 an analyst predicted Trump Taj Mahal would close by the end of the year. Trump called the analyst's firm threatening to sue. He told them, “This is complete and total fake analysis, okay. Trump Taj Mahal will be the greatest of all both the Taj Mahals. Believe me. Better even than the one in Indonesia. This analyst is probably some frustrated black guy named Lamont who hates Trump because I wouldn't rent him an apartment. Like that's my fault. Everyone is always blaming Trump. I settled that case without even, not one admission of guilt, okay. For Lamont to be holding a grudge against Trump all these years is very, very unclassy. That I can tell you.”

The analyst refused to retract his statement. The firm fired him. Trump Taj Mahal declared bankruptcy in November 1990.

2006 American Flag

Trump erected an 80-foot-tall flag pole with a 15 by 25 foot American flag on his property. The Town of Palm Beach fined him $250 a day for ordinance violations.  Trump sued the town for $25 million claiming they were totally cock blocking his freedom of speech by not letting his freak flag fly. The town claimed the freak flag was blocking the sun and people were becoming increasingly listless due to lack of Vitamin D.

Trump was ordered to pay $100,000 to veterans charities, which he did using funds from the Trump Foundation. And that dumbass attempt to avoid paying a $250 fine is currently being investigated as misappropriation of charitable funds.

2008 Deutsche Bank

In 2005 Trump took out a $640 million loan from Deutsche Bank. In 2008 a representative of Deutsche Bank called Donnie and said, “Hey, Mr. Trump. I see you've taken out a rather large loan and haven't made a payment yet. Do you think you could do around $40 million to keep your account in good standing?”

Trump then sued Deutsche Bank for $3 billion. He claimed their attempt to collect a debt damaged his business because other banks stopped loaning him ridiculous sums of money he had no intention repaying.  Deutsche Bank then filed suit for $40 million of the $640 million owed.

They eventually came to some kind of agreement, but Trump still owes Deutsche Bank over $300 million to this very day.

In related news, Trump released his budget plan earlier this week. Everything you need to know about  A Budget Blueprint to Make America Great Again was covered in the preceding paragraphs.

2009 Morrison Cohen

Trump sued his own lawyers. The law firm of Morrison Cohen posted links on their website to Trump-related news articles. Donnie sued them for $5 million for using his name. Trump filed a second suit claiming Morrison Cohen overcharged him for their services.

Morrison Cohen filed a counter suit requesting payment on those overcharged bills. Because Trump hadn't paid them. This seems to be a pattern with Trump. I'm not sure why, but he sees receiving a bill as some sort of injustice he must fight all the way to the Supreme Court if he has to.

To no one's surprise Trump was no match for a building full of attorneys. And a judge had to explain to a future President of the United States that news articles are a matter of public record. Because that's what the news is, a public record.

2011 Timothy O'Brien

Author Timothy O'Brien wrote a biography of Trump, Trump Nation: The Art of Being the Donald. In the book, O'Brien claimed Trump is not a billionaire as he so often claims.

Trump was pissed to be outed as some broke ass millionaire. He filed a lawsuit against Timothy O'Brien for $5 billion. Representing Donnie was Marc Kasowitz, the man currently advising Trump on this whole Russia cluster-fuck. Neither Trump nor his awesome legal counsel was able to prove in court that he is a billionaire.

Trump explained to the judge his billions in debt is actually income because he has no intention of repaying those loans. He further stated his net worth varied daily depending upon his feelings.

I only made up one of those statements. The other one he actually said under oath in a court of law.

2015 Univision

Univision is a network which airs programming aimed at Hispanic Americans. After Trump announced his candidacy for president and called Mexicans rapists and drug dealers, Univision opted not to continue any business ties with him. Therefore, they refused to air the Trump-owned Miss USA pageant. I have no idea why they wanted to air it in the first place. Who the fuck watches beauty pageants other than Donald Trump and the mothers of the contestants? Miss America is streamed online now because they can't find a network willing to give up three hours of prime time for a show sponsored by Sally Hansen Hair Removal Cream. (That shit doesn't work, by the way.) I remember a time before I had 500 channels when Miss America would fuck up my night. And what did I miss Sanford and Son for? Nothing. Name a Miss America not named Vanessa Williams. Exactly. You can't.

Anyway, Trump filed a $500 million lawsuit against Univision for defamation. His lawsuit claimed he didn't say anything negative toward Hispanic Americans in his campaign speech. His speech was about Mexicans. He loves the people of Hispania and as president he will bring peace to the Middle East. And furthermore, he can't be racist because he used to watch Sanford and Son and there was like a Mexican or a Puerto Rican guy on that show.

  

Trump eventually bought out Unvision's interest in the Miss USA pageant and made a deal with Fox. Fox chose to air the pageant on a Sunday night at 8pm. One viewer tweeted it was the worst Simpsons ever. 

2016 Clark County, Nevada

I had completely forgotten about this one. I forgot about it because the lawsuit was filed on November 8, 2016. You may remember that as Election Day. Or you may remember it as the day you were expecting a woman president, but you went to bed feeling like a black Miss America without a crown.

While you were pondering the injustices which plague Hillary Clinton and Vanessa Williams, Donald Trump was busy filing a lawsuit in Clark County, Nevada. He alleged they were keeping the polls open too late and it wasn't fair because the people in line were mostly Latino and they are totally biased against Trump. It was early afternoon in New York when Trump filed suit. It was mid-morning in Nevada. Trump's definition of “too late” is vague at best. We were supposed to be laughing about this on November 9, but uneasy lies the head that briefly wears a crown. 

We may have to wait longer than we'd like for Trump's inevitable impeachment hearing. But based on his past legal proceedings it promises to be an entertaining shit show of epic proportions. And I can't wait to binge watch that shit like it's a Sanford and Son marathon.

Namaste, Bitches

Give Me Liberty Or Give Me A Refund

President Sack O' Shit has been super busy this week. He fired Comey, lied about why he fired Comey and threatened Comey. He will cap off this productive week by giving the commencement speech at Liberty University on Saturday. 

A friend of mine happens to be graduating from Liberty University this weekend. She is pissed the fuck off about this. Of course, if she wasn't pissed about this, she wouldn't be a friend of mine.

Because I'm such a good friend, I took it upon myself to write a letter to Jerry Falwell, Jr. Of course, there is no public email address available for Falwell. So I sent it to every email address I could find on Liberty's website. If anyone out there happens to know Jerry Falwell or how to reach him, please see that he receives the following letter.

An Open Letter To Liberty University

Dear Jerry Falwell, Jr. or Whoever,

(I know Jerry Falwell won't be reading my letter, but I'm addressing my remarks to him anyway.)

A colleague and dear friend of mine will be graduating from Liberty University this Saturday, May 13^th. She has worked extremely hard to earn her degree. She put herself into debt attending your university while also working a full time job where she is overworked and underpaid. My friend has not let the crushing pain of student debt prevent her from helping others. She founded a community outreach and charity program. She led a campaign to collect school supplies for underprivileged children because she cares deeply for education.

My friend is a glowing example of what your website calls a “Champion For Christ.” When I witness all she has accomplished at such a young age, I can't help but think, “Go Jesus!”

Sadly, my friend is in a bit of a moral dilemma and you are in the unique position by which you may be able to help. She and many of her classmates want to attend the commencement ceremonies at your university. They have worked long and hard for this day and deserve to enjoy the moment peacefully with their family and friends and Jesus.

Unfortunately, you have chosen to take a big shit on their special moment by inviting President Donald J. Trump to give the commencement speech. My friend and her classmates find this troubling as President Trump may literally be the Antichrist. And I do mean literally in its intended definition. I'm not using the word literally when I mean figuratively like so many do. I “know words” just like the president.

Speaking of words I know, I debated whether I should use the word shit when writing to a Christian university. I was afraid it might be offensive. But then, President Trump, who you so warmly endorse, has said things like, “bomb the shit out them” and “grab 'em by the pussy.” If you're offended by my use of the word shit, all I can say is tough shit.

Mr. Falwell, or Underpaid Office Administrator who would rather be trolling Facebook than reading my letter, you're sending mixed messages to your students. Donald Trump doesn't meet the tenets of your own Mission Statement. And I guess I have to break it down for you because you're either willfully ignorant or just a giant asshat.

Liberty University will:

1.    Emphasize excellence in teaching and learning.  “I love the poorly educated.” Donald Trump - 2/24/16

2.    Foster university-level competencies in communication, critical thinking, information literacy, and mathematics in all undergraduate programs. “Nobody knew healthcare could be so complicated.” Donald Trump - 2/28/17

3.    Ensure competency in scholarship, research, and professional communication in all graduate programs and undergraduate programs where appropriate. “Tweeting happens to be a modern-day form of communication. I mean, you can like it or not like it. I have, between Facebook and Twitter, I have almost 25 million people. It’s a very effective way of communication. So you can put it down, but it is a very effective form of communication. I’m not unproud of it, to be honest with you.” - Donald Trump – 10/9/16

4.    Promote the synthesis of academic knowledge and Christian worldview in order that there might be a maturing of spiritual, intellectual, social and physical value-driven behavior. "Two Corinthians 3:17, that's the whole ballgame. ... Is that the one you like? We don't know what the hell we're doing. Microsoft will make their damn computers in the U.S. and not China.” Donald Trump – 2/18/16 – Liberty University

5.    Enable students to engage in a major field of study in career-focused disciplines built on a solid foundation in the liberal arts. “Are there any other stupid letters that were sent to you folks? That's one of the reasons I want to have this call, because you guys are getting sometimes stupid information from people that aren't so smart.” - Donald Trump – 6/6/16 – Trump University

*(Trump University is not an actual place.)

6.    Promote an understanding of the Western tradition and the diverse elements of American cultural history, especially the importance of the individual in maintaining democratic and free market processes. “I mean, had Andrew Jackson been a little later, you wouldn’t have had the Civil War. He was a very tough person, but he had a big heart, and he was really angry that he saw what was happening with regard to the Civil War. He said, “There’s no reason for this.” People don’t realize, you know, the Civil War, you think about it, why? People don’t ask that question. But why was there the Civil War? Why could that one not have been worked out?” - Donald Trump – 5/1/17  

7.    Contribute to a knowledge and understanding of other cultures and of international events. "From this day forward, it's going to be only America first, America first." Donald Trump – 1/20/17

8.    Encourage a commitment to the Christian life, one of personal integrity, sensitivity to the needs of others, social responsibility and active communication of the Christian faith, and, as it is lived out, a life that leads people to Jesus Christ as the Lord of the universe and their own personal Savior. “I moved on her, actually. You know, she was down on Palm Beach. I moved on her, and I failed. I’ll admit it. I did try and fuck her. She was married. I moved on her like a bitch. But I couldn’t get there. And she was married. Then all of a sudden I see her, she’s now got the big phony tits and everything. She’s totally changed her look. Yeah, that’s her. With the gold. I better use some Tic Tacs just in case I start kissing her. You know, I’m automatically attracted to beautiful — I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab ’em by the pussy. You can do anything.” -  Donald Trump – 2005 – Access Hollywood 

“This was locker room banter.” - Donald Trump – 10/8/16

Mr. Falwell, or Unpaid College Intern who would rather be trolling Facebook than reading my letter, your university claims to be “Training Champions for Christ,” but your involvement with Trump leaves me questioning your sincerity. My friend and her classmates have to choose between listening to a man they find morally reprehensible or missing out on a day that should be about celebrating their achievements. Achievements that weren't free. They paid and sacrificed to arrive at this day and you are a total douchebag for allowing the man who is fucking up their futures to also fuck up one of very the few good days they have ahead of them.

In preparation for your piss poor choice of a commencement speaker, increased security measurements have been put in place. The list of prohibited items is also creating some undue stress for the graduates. Apparently, I have to break this down for you as well:

Prohibited Items

Aerosols to include silly string – Silly string is a necessity. 

Alcoholic beverages – Alcohol is a necessity.

Ammunition – No shit.

Animals other than service/ guide dogs – No shit.

Backpacks – Necessity. They're college students for Christ's sake.

Bags and signs exceeding size restrictions (see Clear Bag Policy) – This is total bullshit and I'll address it below.

Balloons – Necessity. It's a celebration for Christ's sake.

Bicycles – Most college students can't afford a car because tuition costs have ruined their credit.

Bottled drinks/water – Snacks are on the very short list of allowable items. Ergo, it's a chocking hazard not to allow drinks.

Coolers or containers – If we're allowing drinks now, we might as well allow coolers.

Drones and other unmanned aircraft systems – Is this for the students or the president?

Firearms – What the hell kind of world's largest Christian university are you running that you're worried about this?

Fireworks or explosives – I concur.

Glass, thermal, or metal containers – I'll allow it.

Hoverboards/skateboards – See Bicycles.

Illegal drugs – What the hell kind of world's largest Christian university are you running that you're worried about this?

Illegal weapons – What the hell kind of world's largest Christian university are you running that you're worried about this?

Laser pointers – What the hell kind of douchebag still has a laser pointer?

Mace/pepper spray – Young college women need protection from the president. See the Access Hollywood quote.

Packages – Just don't sign for them.

Selfie sticks – I don't want to live in an America where millennials don't have selfie sticks.

Structures – What?

Supports for signs and placards – Fine, whatever.

Toy guns - What the hell kind of world's largest Christian university are you running that you're worried about this?

Umbrellas – It's supposed to rain. Now you've just gone mad with power. 

Weapons of any kind - What the hell kind of world's largest Christian university are you running that you're worried about this?

Wrapped gifts – Graduates, tell your friends and family to bring cash in lieu of gifts.

Any other item determined to be a potential hazard – Like some crazy motherfucker with the nuclear codes in his pocket.

Clear Bag Policy

In an effort to enhance safety and expedite entrance to Williams Stadium, Liberty University has implemented a new clear bag policy. Only clear tote bags that do not exceed 12” x 6” x 12”, or one-gallon plastic freezer bags, will be allowed in Williams Stadium. In addition, small handheld clutch purses no larger than 4.5” x 6.5” will be permitted. 

That is the dumbest thing I've read since the preceding Donald Trump quotes. First of all, a purse 4.5” x 6.5” is a wallet, not a purse. Second of all, women have personal items they need to carry. Period. Items they don't want everyone to see. Period.  So no one is going to be walking around carrying a Gladlock Freezer Bag instead of a purse like some redneck dumb fuck. Period. 

Mr. Falwell or Spam Folder, your dumbass decision to allow Donald Trump to give the commencement speech has caused a lot of mental anguish and torment for your graduates, their families and friends, and Jesus. In fact, I've been so worried for my friend that I spoke to Jesus about it. 

And Jesus said low unto me: “Trump is no Champion for Christ. He who allows The Donald into his University should rescind the invitation or provide unto his graduates a full refund of all tuition payments, book costs, and travels fees incurred.”

Thank for your time and God bless America.

Kind regards,

Donna Troy

Liberty University has not replied.  Rude.

Namaste, Bitches

Douchebag Is A Pre-Existing Condition

Republicans are super pleased with themselves for barely managing to pass a healthcare bill through the republican controlled House of Representatives. Impressive. 

This is great news for people who earn over two hundred thousand a year. Because they are going to have kick ass health insurance. Rich people will no longer have to choose between buying a yacht or having a face lift. And that's not all. If you are a six figure earner, I am willing to marry you and be added to your insurance plan. Yes, some lucky rich person will have a big ass boat, a weird-looking, tight face and a bitch who's using him to commit insurance fraud. 

If you're poor, elderly or disabled, you're probably really pissed right now. I'm going to need you to calm the fuck down. Getting upset will only raise your blood pressure and high blood pressure is a pre-existing condition not covered under the GOP plan. Also, they have a long way to go before they can actually get this thing passed into law. And since they control all branches of federal government and it took them three tries to barely get the House to vote for this bill, I'm not overly confident in their ability to get this done.

The GOP healthcare plan contains a plethora of disgusting bullshit, but people are most concerned with pre-existing conditions. Before Obamacare insurance companies could deny coverage to people with pre-existing conditions. Republicans want to give insurance companies that option again. Sort of. People with pre-existing conditions make up the entire human race so, obviously, this only applies to poor people. Poor people as defined by the GOP are those who make less than two hundred grand a year.

It's an effort to return America to a simpler, perhaps greater time.  A time when the poor were found dead in gutters. And the cause of death was a mild infection which could have been easily treated with antibiotics. But since they had no insurance the infection spread and all their vital organs shut down and puss and blood was streaming out of their ears and they died a painful, agonizing death for no reason.

Most liberals believe healthcare is a right that should be afforded to all people. I disagree. Some people deserve to die. Therefore, I propose, we simply change the definition of a pre-existing condition. Physical ailments such as heart disease, cancer or herpes will no longer be defined as a pre-existing condition. Personality disorders such as douchebaggery, assholeishness and fucktardation are now pre-existing conditions. People who suffer from one or more of these personality disorders will be denied healthcare coverage and will probably die of a totally treatable ailment. Unfortunately, there is no douchebag cure and these people are fucking up society. They need to be removed from the gene pool.

Deciding who qualifies as a douchebag is subjective. However, since it was my idea, I get to decide. Here now is my list of douchebags who can drop dead for all I care.

Douchebags Who Can Drop Dead For All I Care

1. The asshole at work who came up to me on my 40^th birthday and asked me if I get senior citizen discounts at fast food restaurants when he's all of four years younger than me. That would have been a solid joke if he was 25, but at 36 it's weak.

2. People who voted third party in the election. These people make me angrier than those who actually voted for Trump. Because unlike most Trump voters, they knew better. They understood Trump is dangerous and incompetent, but still couldn't bring themselves to vote for the only other person who could actually win the election. Trump became president by a very narrow margin and those dumbass protest votes did it. Third party voters, you don't have to like Hillary Clinton, but we both know you wouldn't be losing sleep over North Korea if she were president. You can just think about that when you're dying from a bad case of shingles.

3. Trump supporters. Sadly, a lot of you don't even understand what you've done. I have some sympathy for you because I feel like your parents, or your school, or society in general really failed you somehow. Nevertheless, I need you out of the gene pool before Chachi becomes the 2020 republican nominee.

4. Scott Baio. What the fuck is his problem? Dude is all over the news like it's 1982. Always pissed about something. Can't even let poor Joanie die in peace. Getting into Twitter fights with random strangers. Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Scott Baio.

Dear Chachi,

Most people can't live comfortably on residuals from work they did as teenager. Like if your first job was at McDonald's. McDonald's wouldn't be sending you checks well into your fifties. Your life is pretty sweet. Shut the fuck up.

Warm Regards,

Donna Troy

5. Malcolm Jamal-Warner. He bitched about losing money because Cosby Show reruns are no longer being aired. Because Cosby drugged and raped dozens of women and normal people don't want to binge watch a creepy rapist when their trying to relax after coming home from work at their real jobs. Please excuse me while I write on open letter to Malcolm Jamal-Warner.

Dear Theo,

Most people can't live comfortably on residuals from work they did as teenager. Like if your first job was at McDonald's. McDonald's wouldn't be sending you checks well into your fifties. Your life is pretty sweet. Shut the fuck up.

Warm Regards,

Donna Troy

6. Utah Congressman Jason Chaffetz. 

Congressman Chaffetz scootered into the House to vote for the GOP healthcare bill after having surgery on a twelve-year-old foot injury. The bill that would deny healthcare coverage to people with pre-existing conditions. Pre-existing conditions like a twelve-year-old foot injury. In his defense, the congressman doesn't know how much medical care costs because he's never had to pay for it. He thinks foot surgery costs thirty two dollars and hospitals give everyone a free scooter so they can look cool on their way to vote for legislation that fucks over the poor, elderly and disabled.

7. Joe Walsh who tweeted the following after Jimmy Kimmel's heartbreaking monologue about his sick baby:

“Sorry JimmyKimmel: your sad story doesn’t obligate me or anybody else to pay for somebody else’s health care.”

Naturally, this douchebag, who quite boldly admits he doesn't care if a newborn baby lives or dies, is anti-abortion.

To be clear – this is Joe Walsh, former Illinois Republican congressman and not Joe Walsh, former Eagles guitarist like I originally thought. Either way, there's gonna be a heartache tonight. A heartache tonight. I know.

8. Two hundred of the two hundred seventeen republican House members who voted for this bill. You may be wondering why I'm letting seventeen congressman off the hook. Or you may not be wondering. Doesn't matter. I'm going to explain anyway.

I'm certain at some point they'll all have syphilis or crabs or some other STD, which they will contract from low-rent Baltimore hookers. The majority of them will suffer needlessly from a completely treatable illness. They will slowly go mad as they watch a small minority of their colleagues cruise through their daily lives without any ill effects from the syphilis. They will be thrown out of their homes because their wives don't want to catch the syphilis. And the last thing they hear as they lay dying in some seedy motel room is a low-rent Baltimore hooker with a peanut allergy saying, “Now you know what it feels like when you don't have six hundred dollars for an EpiPen.”

Namaste, Bitches