The
Thunder Rolls is a song about a cheating husband by Garth Brooks. When it was
released in the nineties, Brooks left out the third verse to make it more
commercially viable. The third verse is what makes the song awesome. The wife
shoots the cheating husband in the third verse. If you read my last two blogs
you may find my admiration for the homicidal wife of this song in direct
opposition with my anti-gun stance. You're wrong. I'm anti-gun, not
anti-murder. Some people have to die. Nonetheless, inspired by Kellyanne
Conway's creative use of Alternative Facts, I shall hereinafter refer to my
conflicting feelings as Justified Hypocrisy.
It
is Unjustified Hypocrisy The Thunder Rolls had to be censored to appease
the same radio stations who didn't censor Johnny Cash when he shot a man in
Reno just to watch him die.
Speaking
of thunder and cheating husbands, Stormy Daniels is still happening. I missed
the 60 Minutes interview because I was extremely busy clipping my
toenails. Sure, I could go online and watch it, but clipping my toenails is my
least favorite thing in the world to do, so - no. I did read the transcript of
the interview because it was faster. And there were no commercials. And I
didn't have to look at a porn star with her Jessica Rabbit tits in my face. And
Anderson Cooper is starting to annoy me lately. I think it started when he
unfriended Kathy Griffin and replaced her with that asshole from Bravo I can't
stand. And that asshole from Bravo reminds of this guy at work I can't stand.
Anderson is kind of an asshole by association.
This
whole Stormy Daniels bullshit is causing me to feel some Justified Hypocrisy. I'm
all for anything that takes Donald Trump down, but I'm also extremely anti-porn
star. I'm sorry porn star ladies, but we have a Pussy Hat Revolution going on
and you are not helping the cause. Stormy said she wasn't attracted to Trump
and didn't want to have sex with him, but felt obligated to fuck him
because she found herself in the same room with him.
Please
excuse me while I write an open letter to Stormy Daniels.
I never realized how much I learned
from After School Specials until now. I guess you missed them because you were busy balling some pervy biology
teacher. Allow me to share with you
what I learned.
Just say no.
No means no.
Don't drink and drive.
Avoid Rob Lowe.
Avoid Chad Lowe.
Best Wishes,
Donna Troy
I
also feel Justified Hypocrisy about presidential sex scandals. If at all
possible I'd rather not know about them. When the Clinton/Lewinsky scandal
broke I was pissed. I was also twenty-years-old and a more idealistic bitch
than the cynical middle-aged bitch I've become. I didn't give a shit about the strong
economy Clinton built or the balanced federal budget. I didn't care if they
threw that motherfucker out of office. Good riddance, Motherfucker. I felt bad
for Hillary. I felt bad for Chelsea. I even felt bad for Monica because she was
young and naive and really believed Bill was in love with her. To this day I
can't look at Bill Clinton without thinking about blow jobs, stained dresses
and foreign objects in Monica's vulva.
My
grandpa defended Bill Clinton saying this: “Let he who don't sin throw the
first rock.” Misquoted Bible passages aside, he may have had a point. The
blow-back (pun intended) from the Lewinsky scandal resulted in eight
years of George W. Bush. Bush fucked the economy worse than Bill fucked Monica.
When my company had a three year wage freeze that only applied to those of us
who made the least amount of money, I realized I had more important things to
worry about than what tobacco products are in Monica Lewinsky's vulva.
It's
really no surprise to anyone President Grab-A-Pussy fucked a porn star. It's
public knowledge he cheats on all his wives. The question remains why is this
story even a story?
According
to Stormy, she only hooked up with Donnie once. She's already given all the
horrific details - sharks and all - to Anderson Cooper and In Touch
magazine. Yet, Stormy's lawyer has popped up on The Today Show, Good Morning
America, CBS This Morning, Meet The Press, The View, CNN, MSNBC, BBC News and
The Weather Channel with ominous foreshadowing of more to come.
More
importantly, why is Donnie threatening the porn star with multi-million dollar
lawsuits and mafia contracts on her life? Reportedly, as soon as the Stormy
story broke, Donnie immediately turned to one of his advisers and asked, “When
did I marry Melania?”
“Raindrops on the windshield,
there's a storm moving in
He's headin' back from somewhere, that he never should have been
He's headin' back from somewhere, that he never should have been
And the thunder rolls...”
Unfortunately
for Donnie, the adviser he posed that question to turned out to be none other
than Melania herself. In all fairness, he can't be blamed for not recognizing
her when he barely remembers marrying her.
“But on the wind and rain, a strange new
perfume blows
And the lightnin' flashes in her eyes, and he knows that she knows
And the lightnin' flashes in her eyes, and he knows that she knows
And the thunder rolls...”
Through
my super special, top secret connections, I've obtained a copy of Donnie and
Melania's pre-nup agreement. The following portion may explain Donnie's reluctance
to discuss/publicly bash Stormy Daniels on Twitter.
It is well known to the third Mrs. Trump, The Donald has cheated
on the previous Mrs. Trumps with wild abandon. The Donald has expressed his
desire to continue fucking whomever he pleases, whenever he pleases, wherever
he pleases; even if the whomever he pleases has not consented to be fucked and
is therefore, not pleased. The third Mrs. Trump has agreed to be cool about it,
aside from the following stipulations:
1.) The Donald
must not allow his net worth to dip below one billion dollars at any time during the course of this marriage. If this
should happen, The Donald immediately forfeits his right to fuck the whomevers
whenever he pleases.
2.) Should the
laws of this nation suddenly change allowing the The Donald to finally marry
his daughter, Ivanka - not Tiffany - the third Mrs. Trump agrees to immediately
dissolve the marriage. In exchange
for this, the third Mrs. Trump will be awarded custody
of Jared Kushner and the Ivanka Trump Handbag Empire.
a.)
Pregnancy
b.)
Childbirth
c.)
Postpartum depression
d.)
Seasonal Affective Disorder
e.)
Vomiting or diarrhea
f.)
Toenail fungus
a.)
Mar-A-Lago
b.)
Golf Clubs
c.)
Five billion of the ten billion dollars The Donald doesn't actually have because he's not worth shit.
d.)
Trump Tower
e.)
The big beautiful wall on the southern border The Donald will never actually build.
f.)
The Ivanka Trump Handbag Empire.
In addition,
the third Mrs. Trump will retain custody of Jared, Ivanka and Barron. The Donald will retain custody of Don Jr.,
Eric and the other girl.
I
was unable to determine if Melania is currently exploring her options with The
Ivanka Trump Handbag Empire Clause in light of the Stormy Daniels affair. Regardless,
I would like to advise Melania of another option. An option found in the
censored third verse of The Thunder Rolls.
“She runs back down the hallway, and
through the bedroom door
She reaches for the pistol, kept in the dresser drawer
Tells the lady in mirror, he won't do this again
'Cause tonight will be the last time, she'll wonder where he's been
She reaches for the pistol, kept in the dresser drawer
Tells the lady in mirror, he won't do this again
'Cause tonight will be the last time, she'll wonder where he's been
And the thunder rolls...”
Namaste,
Bitches
