Back
when Mel Gibson was hot he made a movie called Conspiracy Theory where
he portrayed a paranoid taxi driver. A decade later a cop made an arrest called
Mel Gibson's Drunken Meltdown where Gibson blamed Jews for all the wars
and claimed the Holocaust was fake. After decades of hotness Mel Gibson
instantly became gross to millions of women around the world.
Earlier
this year Quincy Jones gave a long rambling interview where he claimed to know
who shot Kennedy. I do too, Quincy. It was Lee Harvey Oswald. Accept it,
America.
Speaking
of Kennedy, it is time we come together as Americans and admit he is the most
overrated president in history. Calm down, Baby Boomers. I'm not saying he was
a bad president. I know he was your “cool guy” president. But I think we all
know his greatness has been highly exaggerated due to his shocking and untimely
death.
This
brings me to the MAGA Bomber and one of the many ways he is stupid. Had he been
successful the Bradford Exchange would be marketing commemorative Hillary Clinton
plates in time for the holiday rush. They would triple the price of the Obama
plates they already sell.
Now
please excuse me while I write an open letter to the MAGA Bomber and any would
be copy cat bombers.
Dear
Potential Murderer(s),
I
know you hate the Obamas and the Clintons because they want you to have
healthcare or whatever, but killing them will only make them martyrs. They will
become legendary Kennedy-esque figures in American History. Before you know it,
we'll have universal healthcare with no ban on pre-existing conditions. Is that
really the future you want?
Best
of Luck,
Donna
Troy
The
targets of the MAGA Bomber were George Soros, Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton,
John Brennan c/o CNN, Maxine Waters, Joe Biden, Cory Booker, Kamala Harris,
Eric Holder, James Clapper c/o CNN, Tom Steyer and Robert DeNiro. Of course,
the real victim in all of this is Donald Trump. Just because he constantly
incites his supporters to violence and specifically targets all the people the
MAGA Bomber specifically targeted, people are blaming him for this. Who wants
to live in an America where the president can't joke about the attempted mass
assassination of his political adversaries?
If you said, “Yes, Donna, that is the America I want to live in,” but
you didn't vote for Hillary Clinton in 2016, your ass better be building a time
machine. (Third Party Voters, I will never forgive you.)
But
back to the Mel Gibson of it all. Trump supporters have come up with some
wonderfully implausible reasons not to blame Trump for this. I shall share my
favorites with you now.
1.)
Hillary and Obama sent the bombs to themselves according to one old man outside
a Trump rally in Charlotte, NC. And what about the DNA evidence connecting the
MAGA Bomber to the bombs? “I guess they hired him to do it then,” said Old Man.
And what about the other ten victims? “They was probably in on it,” said Old
Man.
You
see everything can easily be explained away as long as you keep making shit up
as you go along.
2.)
“I heard something about Bernie Sanders,” said a woman outside a Trump rally in
Charlotte, NC. She offered nothing further to connect Bernie Sanders to these
crimes, yet felt it her civic responsibility to share what she heard with a
reporter on live TV.
3.)
Ann Coulter claimed people of “immigrant stock” are more likely to engage in
political violence. It sounds like Ann is trying to scapegoat Melania Trump.
Ann, I know you have a weird creepy crush on Donald Trump, but getting Melania
out of the way won't get you anywhere. You're in your mid-fifties. Trump's not
going to date a woman who isn't even twenty years younger than him. Get real.
4.)
The Taxi Driver Curse is something I am making up. Years before Mel Gibson
played a paranoid taxi driver, Robert DeNiro played a paranoid taxi driver in
the movie Taxi Driver. Inspired by the movie Taxi Driver, John
Hinckley, Jr. attempted to assassinate Ronald Reagan in 1981 to impress Jodi
Foster. And now the MAGA Bomber has attempted to assassinate Robert DeNiro to
impress Donald Trump. Due to the Taxi Driver connection in both
assassination attempts, we must conclude the movie Taxi Driver is
cursed.
Fun
Fact: The Greatest American Hero is a TV show that debuted in 1981. The main
character's name was originally Ralph Hinkley. After the attempted
assassination of Ronald Reagan, the name was changed to Ralph Hanley. Another
fun fact is more people remember the theme song to The Greatest American Hero
than remember the show itself. The popularity of this theme song is a
phenomenon that cannot be explained. You want to hear it now, don't you? Here's
a YouTube link: Believe It or Not.
Despite
the delusions of Trump supporters and my long-winded excuse to work in the
theme song to The Greatest American Hero, most people weren't surprised
to learn the MAGA Bomber is a middle-aged white man who loves the fuck out of
one Donald J. Trump. And he lives in a van. And he has a violent criminal
history. And he has a history of steroid abuse. I was surprised to learn the
MAGA Bomber is a former Chippendales dancer. For some reason, I've never
thought of male strippers as tragic figures. You tend to think of female
strippers as abused teenage runaways with drug problems, but I've never
considered the life paths of male strippers. I've blindly believed they're all
fine young men working their way through law school while making a quick buck
at a bachelorette party.
Anyway,
since the MAGA Bomber was a Chippendales dancer who lived in a van down by the
river, I've included the following GIF for your viewing pleasure. I've also
included the GIF for the viewing pleasure of my sister and her friends who are
Swayze Crazy. Enjoy.
Namaste,
Bitches
