Everybody Wants To Rule The World - Part One

Twenty candidates. Two nights. One snarky blogger. Coverage of the 2020 Democratic Debates, brought to you by Donna Troy, begins now.

If you didn’t watch the debates, don’t worry. I’ll tell you everything you need to know.

If you did watch the debates and didn’t come to the obvious conclusion that you should be throwing your full support behind Kamala Harris and Elizabeth Warren, don’t worry. I’ll explain to you why you’re wrong. I’ll even try not to be a condescending bitch about it. The operative word being try.

Night One - The Candidates

Bill de Blasio

Tim Ryan

Julian Castro

Cory Booker

Elizabeth Warren

Beto O’Rourke

Amy Klobuchar

Tulsi Gabbard

Jay Inslee

The Bald Guy Who Annoyed Me So Much I Refuse To Learn His Name

There’s quite a divide as to how people received Bill de Blasios’s debate performance. Some thought he had career defining breakout moments. Others thought he was horrible and did major harm to his campaign. I think he’s never going to be president anyway, so he’s not worth talking about.

The Bald Guy Whose Name I Refuse To Learn kept interrupting. All the men interrupted at one point or another, but this guy took it to Deb Level. You’re probably all like, “What the fuck is Deb Level?” I’ll explain. Deb is my co-worker and also a close friend, but she talks non-stop. When she doesn’t have anyone to talk to she narrates everything she’s doing. I’ve had to yell, “Shut the fuck up, Deb,” once a day, every day for the last eleven years. And Deb knows she talks too much so she doesn’t take it personally. She also doesn’t shut the fuck up. So every time The Bald Guy Whose Name I Refuse To Learn interrupted to explain that he, too, cares for the environment, or that he also thinks murdering children is wrong, I shouted, “Shut the fuck up, Deb,” to the TV.

Tim Ryan has crazy eyes and I found that too distracting to pay attention to anything he said.

Beto O’Rourke spoke Spanish, which prompted a whole Spanish speaking pissing contest. Julian Castro was all like, “White dude’s not going to out Spanish me. Me llamo Julian Castro, pendejo.” (Google tells me pendejo is how you say motherfucker in Spanish. If it’s wrong it’s because Google is a motherfucker).

This gave Cory Booker the overwhelming need to swing his dick around and speak Spanish too. And it was painfully obvious Cory also learns Spanish from Google. It was muy bad.

Beto O’Rourke and Julian Castro then got into it over immigration. And Julian Castro was all like, “No one’s trying to build a wall to keep the Irish out, White Dude. Me llamo Julian Castro, pendejo.”

Throughout the evening, every man on the stage claimed to be the only person on the stage to ever do something. This led to a truly epic moment when Jay Inslee claimed to be the only person on the stage who has ever fought for a woman’s right to choose. And Amy Klobuchar totally owned him.

Amy would not let that stand. She held up her arm in a “talk to the hand” kind of way and said, “I want to say there are three women up here who fought pretty hard for a woman’s right to choose.” Way to be a boss bitch, Amy. For that moment alone she’s climbed to third place on Donna Troy’s rankings, just behind Kamala Harris and Elizabeth Warren.

Tulsi Gabbard is a veteran. When the topic got around to war she was able to silence the men by saying, “I’m the only one on this stage who has ever been to war.” And because it’s true, no one could Amy Klobuchar her. Way to be a bad ass bitch, Tulsi. For this reason alone, she’s climbed to fourth place on Donna Troy’s rankings, just behind Kamala Harris, Elizabeth Warren and Amy Klobuchar.

Elizabeth Warren was the front runner of the candidates on Night One and no one dared take her on. Which showed good judgment on their part. Because you better be able to back it up if you challenge Elizabeth Warren or she will destroy you.

She clearly knows her shit and could easily school anyone on that stage. She doesn’t care if the right choice isn’t the popular choice. And not once did she interrupt anyone or attempt to speak Spanish. Because Elizabeth Warren isn’t insecure. Which is good because the current president is insecure and it’s muy bad.

My favorite Elizabeth Warren moment came when she was asked if she had a plan to take on Mitch McConnell. She answered, “Yes.” And the crowd cheered. Because with that one word you knew she meant it. She had an “I’ll cut a motherfucker if I have to” kind of look in her eye. And that really moved me as a voter and as someone who daydreams about cutting motherfuckers.

The time each person spoke was calculated after the debate. NBC moderator Chuck Todd spoke more than Elizabeth Warren. And there were four other moderators. 

Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Chuck Todd.

Dear Chuck,

Shut the fuck up. Everybody hates you.

Kind Regards,

Donna Troy

I would now like to bitch about a few things the NBC reporters and pundits said on their after party show or whatever they called it.

First, they were all like, “No one attacked Joe Biden.” And I was all like, “Yeah. Because you can’t debate someone who’s not there.” For fuck’s sake, NBC.

Second, they complained that the candidates didn’t talk about Donald Trump enough. For fuck’s sake, NBC. We all know none of the candidates want Donald Trump to be president. Can’t we have one Trump free night? I’ve been writing this blog for over three years and I’m seriously running out of new ways to make fun of Trump.

And finally, why is Donny Deutsch a thing? Sometime before the debate Donny Deutsch said if Elizabeth Warren is the nominee Trump will win the election by forty eight states. And NBC people spent days repeating it as if the wisdom of Donny Deutsch is not to be questioned.

On the after party show Donny repeated this bullshit prediction. And thankfully, Lawrence O’Donnell called bullshit on this bullshit prediction. Lawrence said it was a wild guess with zero credibility. And Donny got all butt hurt and started yelling something about spending thirty years observing human behavior.

Please excuse me while I write on open letter to Donny Deutsch.

Dear Donny,

Everyone thirty or over can claim thirty years observance of human behavior. You’re not special.

Warm Wishes,

Donna Troy

This concludes Donna Troy’s coverage of Night One. Look for my coverage of Night Two after I take a nap.

Namaste, Bitches

Hardball With Donna Troy

 

Last week I sent out a tweet which read, “We need to prevent the stupid from voting. They’re fucking up America.” And this woman responded all like, “No, Donna! Everyone should have the right to vote. We need to educate people and fight oppression and buy the world a Coke!” Well, that’s not exactly what she said, but you get the idea. So I responded, “It was just a joke.” And she sent me a smiley face.

I don’t know why I bothered responding at all. My original tweet included a picture of Ben Stiller as Zoolander. That should tell the reader I’m just fucking around and not proposing a bill before congress with no further explanation needed. But whatever. She seems like a nice lady. She did send me a smiley face. I’m not fluent in emoji, but I think that means we’re friends now.

The other night Chris Hardball held a town hall with voters in Dayton, Ohio. He went to this particular area because it went to Obama in both 2008 and 2012, but went to Trump in 2016 because apparently the whole county went stupid. With apologies to Smiley Face Lady, I’m no longer fucking around. We need to get the stupid out of the voting pool.

If you missed this program, I shall sum it up for you. Smart people voted for Hillary Clinton. Stupid people voted for Donald Trump.

Chris Hardball wanted to find out what caused Dayton to flip in 2016, but I don’t think the Trump Stupid were voting before. It’s the only explanation. Trump has allowed the truly dumbest among us to feel emboldened in their stupidity. It has now become our duty as responsible citizens to mercilessly crush their self esteem.

If you’re a kind person who has trouble mercilessly crushing the self esteem of others, I can help. I shall now share with you some of my favorite exchanges from the town hall the way I heard them in my head.

Chris: You look like a deplorable redneck who’s probably drunk right now. Tell me why you didn’t vote for Hillary Clinton.

Deplorable Redneck: I was really bothered by Benghazi.

Chris: What, in particular, bothered you about Benghazi?

Deplorable Redneck: From what I understand, from everything I read, she deleted thousands of emails---

Chris: Benghazi is not an email server and scanning headlines is not reading. Follow up question, what’s the point of cutting the sleeves off of a flannel shirt?

Deplorable Redneck: From what I understand, from everything I read, it gets hot in summer and I thought I’d feel cooler without sleeves.

Chris: You know you can buy short-sleeved shirts.

Deplorable Redneck: From what I understand, from everything I read, Hillary destroyed all the short-sleeved shirts with Benghazi.

 

Someone recently said to me, “Not all Trump supporters are racist.” This is true. Some are just sexist. Which brings me to the next soul I must crush.

Deplorable Woman Hater: I spent a good thirty minutes in the voting booth. I just couldn’t decide between Trump and Clinton. They were both so awful. In the end, I decided Clinton was worse than Trump.

Chris: By worse than Trump, you mean Hillary Clinton has a vagina. People could have valid reasons for not wanting to vote for Clinton, as with any candidate, but how could she possibly be worse than Trump?

Deplorable Woman Hater: She’s just worse than Trump in every way.

Chris: Could you see yourself voting for a woman candidate?

Deplorable Woman Hater: I want a good candidate.

Chris: By good candidate, you mean someone with a penis.

Deplorable Woman Hater: That’s definitely important in choosing a candidate.

Deplorable Woman Hater went on to yell at Senator Sharrod Brown for stealing his money with taxes. Chris Hardball allowed the senator to respond. He responded by talking about tornadoes. True story.

There was another moment I found truly magnificent without having to re-imagine it. An Air Force veteran, who is the daughter of Mexican immigrants, spoke eloquently about the deplorable hate speech toward immigrants perpetrated by one Donald J. Trump. 

Naturally, this prompted some old white guy with a beer gut to clamor for the microphone. Chris Hardball handed Beer Gut the mic. Beer Gut looked directly at the aforementioned veteran and said, “Sorry, Cupcake--.” And he said nothing further because Chris Hardball said, “No, we’re not doing this,” as he reached to take the mic back. Beer Gut held the mic close to his chest all limp-wristed and turned his shoulder away like a little kid trying to prevent someone from touching his favorite toy. Chis was like, “Come on. Hand it over.” And Beer Gut, realizing he had no legal claim to the microphone, handed it over. It was hilarious. The only thing that could have made it better were if Chris had said, “Hand it over, Cupcake.” So I guess I still had to re-imagine it a little.

Now please excuse me while I write an open letter to White Men Who Wear Du-Rags.

Dear White Men Who Wear Du-Rags,

The only white men who can pull off Du-Rags are professional wrestlers. Because they’re supposed to look ridiculous.

Kind Regards,

Donna Troy

Chris: You’re an old white man wearing a Du-Rag. I’m sure you’ve got something completely ignorant to say.

White Man Wearing Du-Rag: (Pulls out paper and begins reading). Employment has increased 112 percent. Happiness has increased 68 percent among white people. Black unemployment is the lowest it’s been since Emancipation. Woman unemployment is the lowest it’s been since 1953.

Chris: Is Trump really responsible for those things? You could say woman unemployment is the lowest it’s been since 1953 virtually every year beginning in 1954.

White Man Wearing Du-Rag: (Continues looking at paper). I pulled these numbers directly from the president’s Twitter feed.

Chris: But not as many women were in the workforce in the fifties. It was before the women’s liberation movement. You could say woman unemployment is the lowest it’s been since 1853. It doesn’t mean shit and it doesn’t have shit to do with Trump.

This reminded me of a moment during Trump’s 2016 campaign that didn’t get the attention it deserved because of all the other deplorable shit he was up to. During a town hall type event, Trump was asked by a woman voter if he believed in equal pay for woman. Trump answered, “If she does as good of a job as a man.” 

At first, I was deeply offended by this remark. But then I realized a lot of male executives at my workplace do half the work for twice the salary. Therefore, from this moment on, I, Donna Troy, will stop at nothing as I half ass my way to a six figure salary. Even if it means I have to disappear around two o’clock every afternoon and stop responding to emails and texts, forcing others to work late because I can’t be bothered. The future is female, Motherfuckers.

Namaste, Bitches