Irreconcilable Differences: The Saga Continues...

The Bizarre Tale of the 2016 Republican National Convention

Part Three – Wednesday

Wednesday's theme was Make America First Again. First in what is anyone's guess, but who cares. We're number one! We're number one! USA! USA!

Notable Speakers:

 

Marco Rubio  Lil Marco didn't actually go to the convention. Not that I blame him for not wanting to be near the asshole who dubbed him Lil Marco. Lil Marco recorded a ninety second spot for the convention instead. He said nasty things about Hillary Clinton for roughly eighty-five seconds, and I think he said vote for Trump in the last five seconds, but I'm not sure. Marco looked pained in the video and appeared to be under duress. Like maybe there was someone holding a gun to his wife's head off camera. In any event, it wasn't an inspired endorsement of Trump, but hopefully it was enough to save Mrs. Rubio.

 

Ted Cruz  The Donnie called Ted's wife ugly, implicated Ted's father in the assassination of JFK and started the oh-so-clever nickname, Lyin' Ted. (I happen to think my nickname for Ted, Muppet Asshole, is much better. To each his own, I guess.)

After all that, Donnie invited Ted to speak at the convention. Ted had not endorsed Donnie. Ted had no intention of endorsing Donnie. Donnie reviewed his speech ahead of time. The decision to allow Ted Cruz to speak was Trump's. Trump is a narcissist who thrives on drama and chaos.

Ted knew his speech would upset people. He didn't have to go to the convention at all. No one was holding a gun to his wife's head. Because those people were busy with Mrs. Rubio. The decision to give the speech was Ted's. Ted Cruz is a narcissist who thrives on drama and chaos.

So with all this information known to the general public, there was much speculation as to whether or not Ted Cruz would endorse Trump.

Muppet Asshole was scheduled to speak for eight minutes. He spoke for twenty-three minutes. What follows is not a transcript of Ted's speech, but it's close enough:

Sad things happened in the last few weeks. Please allow me to milk these events for political gain. I will offer no solutions to the problems our country faces, but I'd like you to believe I give a shit even though I clearly do not. I believe if I contort my face into what I think sad looks like, people will see me as a compassionate person. Even though I am the same person who got into a fight with a ten-year-old at a rally. When I look at the problems facing our country today, I'm reminded of that old episode of The Potsie Show. A bad crowd started hanging out at Arnold's. Pretty soon Al's regular customers stopped coming in. Al was in danger of losing his business. Potsie and Ralph tried to run the hooligans off, but they were no match for the kind of lawlessness that had run amuck in their small community. Finally, in a last ditch effort to save his friend's business, Potsie called on his old friend Fonzie. You see, Fonzie was the kind of man who would help a friend in need. The kind of man who wanted to see small business owners succeed and live the American Dream. The kind of man who could not stand idly by and let criminals run his community. That was not Fonzie's America. So, Fonzie went to Arnold's and cleaned house. He ran those thugs out of Arnold's. He ran those thugs out of Milwaukee. Eventually, Fonzie ran those thugs out of the state of Wisconsin all together. Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are the thugs threatening our communities today. We need the Potsies and the Fonzies of America to unite against the threat of radical Islamic terrorism.

The Republican party was the party of civil rights and diversity beginning in the 1860s with the election of Abraham Lincoln. The strides made with civil rights by the Republican party can be seen in the annals of history from Lincoln all the way through to the early 1960s. Sure, we've spent the last fifty years promoting racism, fear mongering and paranoia, but friends, I urge you not to let that decide your vote this November.

Now, I'm going to tell you all the reasons Hillary Clinton shouldn't be elected president. Blah, blah, blah, Hillary bad.

Friends, now that I've made the case against Hillary Clinton I am going to say some things that will lead you to believe I'm about to endorse Donald Trump, but I cannot and will not do that. To the people at home, I implore you not to stay home in November. I urge you to vote your conscience up and down the Republican ticket.

Shit. Got. Ugly. The words vote your conscience caused the whole place to go full throttle angry lynch mob. Because Trump supporters know voting your conscience is not a vote for Trump. They booed Muppet Asshole and chanted "Endorse Trump!" Muppet Asshole kept on with his speech amid the boos and chanting.

In what the Trump campaign people call a "coincidence of timing," Trump entered the arena during the booing of Ted Cruz. He waved to the crowd, then took a seat with his family. Trump people said Donnie arrived to hear Mike Pence speak. Shortly thereafter, Ted was booed off stage. Donnie got up and left. Mike Pence hadn't taken the stage yet, but I guess Trump heard all he needed to.

 

Eric Trump  Not much attention was paid to anything Eric said because people were still all worked up about the Ted Cruz thing. Eric basically repeated everything his brother said the night before. Even that weird signing the front of a paycheck thing. He did say one thing that struck me as odd. And I quote, "My dad isn't running for President because he needs the job."

Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Eric Trump.

Dear Eric,

People don't run for President because they "need the job." It seems you think presidential candidates are individuals who can't pay their mortgage and only want the job for free government housing. You're understanding of how the world works is lacking. You may want to work on that.

Also, many people are comparing you to Christian Bale's character in American Psycho. You may want to work on that, as well.

Yours Truly,
Donna Troy

Newt Gingrich  Not much attention was paid to anything Newt said because people were still all worked up about the Ted Cruz thing. He made an attempt to smooth over the Ted Cruz thing, but it didn't land.

 

Mike Pence  Not much attention was paid to anything Mike said because people were still all worked up about the Ted Cruz thing. People were also wondering where the fuck Trump wandered off to. Mike accepted the nomination for Vice President and gave a pretty normal convention speech. He seemed likeable enough. The angry lynch mob chanted, "We Like Mike!" Keep in mind, after three days of the RNC, the bar for likeable was pretty low.

Mike wrapped up his speech and Trump returned. He appeared on stage with Mike and gave him an air kiss. It should be noted, Pence did not return said air kiss. This was a one-sided air kiss.

Part Four – Thursday

Thursday's theme was Make America Great Again. If you listened to Donald Trump's eighty-minute speech and still aren't convinced he can make America great, then you are a good listener.

Notable Speakers:

 

Paul Manafort, Trump's Campaign Something-or-Other  Manafort didn't give a speech, but he gave an interview at the convention. He was asked about Trump's problem with women. He said women will vote for Trump because:

“Many women feel they can’t afford their lives, their husbands can’t afford to be paying for the family bills. Hillary Clinton is guilty of being part of the establishment that created that problem."

Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Paul Manafort.

Dear Paul,

What the fuck was that?

Donna

Jon Voight  Jon Voight narrated a film about the successful real estate career of Donald J. Trump. The film was like something you'd see in a movie about an evil billionaire who is running for President. Perhaps this film can later be used in The Daughter He Left Behind: The Tiffany Trump Story.

 

Ivanka Trump  Ivanka walked onto the stage to "Here Comes The Sun" by George Harrison. The following day, the estate of George Harrison issued a statement regarding the unauthorized use of the song. Clearly, the Trumps learned nothing from the Queen incident. And not to play the victim here, but I gave a friend a music box that plays "Here Comes The Sun" for Christmas. So now my Christmas present is tainted.

It became apparent rather quickly that Ivanka's job was to help with Donnie's woman problem. According to Ivanka, Donnie has hired women to do real grown-up jobs, just like men. I guess that cancels out all the sexist shit he's said. Problem solved.

Then Ivanka went into a whole thing about the wage gap, and how single women with no children make ninety-four cents on the dollar compared to men, and the real war is on motherhood.

Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Ivanka Trump.

Dear Ivanka,

Ninety-four cents on the dollar is still less, you dumb bitch. The stats you referred to are about single women under thirty in certain metropolitan areas. In our society, women depreciate in value with age. The wage gap for a woman varies depending on location, age and ethnicity.

In some instances, women do earn ninety-four cents on the dollar. In other instances, women earn as low as fifty-nine cents on the dollar.

As far as the "war on motherhood," Hillary Clinton has been fighting for paid family leave and affordable childcare for decades.

Hillary and I appreciate your interest in joining us, but we got this.

Thank you for your interest.

Sincerely,
Donna Troy

 

Donald J. Trump  He shouted for eighty excruciating minutes. I think this was a conspiracy to keep people up so they'd be late for work the next day and get fired. Then Trump can say unemployment is at an all time high under President Obama.

Trump's speech was dark and menacing and all kinds of creepy. I don't have it in me to repeat the crazy shit he was screaming about. Instead, please enjoy a series of text messages sent between my brother and me during Trump's speech.

 

Donna:

Melania and the youngest one are there. I feel like that's no place for a child.

 

Guy:

I'm sure whoever's raising him will make sure he turns out all right.

 

Melania doesn't give any standing ovations.

 

She's still learning American customs.

 

...

 

You are now watching the prequel to Idiocracy.

 

...

 

He's going to end violence! Why hasn't someone thought of that before?

 

...

 

Futuristic sci-fi anti-utopia

 

...

 

That's a lie.

 

Also a lie.

 

Another lie.

 

...

 

"And so, I introduce to you... RoboCop!"

 

His right hand is gesturing 1s and 0s, which I'm guessing is the source code.

 

...

 

I have never considered the plight of third world airports.

 

It's a pan-am-idemic.

 

You should work for MSNBC.

 

...

 

Trump says crime is at its highest, the data shows it's at its lowest.

 

"Tune in to MSNBC for more on this debate."

 

...

 

Someone held up a Superman pic with Trump's head. Blasphemy thy name is Trump!

 

...

 

Why can't Trump just plagiarize Obama?

 

I don't know, but I love that protestor. She's my hero.

 

Well, I love our police. They're my heroes. USA USA

 

Shoot to kill. USA USA

 

...

 

Weren't you a Bernie supporter? I think you're supposed to be in Cleveland.

 

Invoking Bernie was the third blasphemy of the night.

 

Lucifer is behind this.

 

...

 

I thought he was going to explain in detail how he plans to accomplish whatever it is he hopes to accomplish.

 

Just kidding. I didn't expect that.

 

...

 

I may suspect Lucifer if the speech had fascist overtones.

 

...

 

Ah... Dick Wolf will be suing for copyright infringement.

 

I know. We're already a Law and Order country. There's probably a marathon on right now.

 

Special Shitting Unit back to back.

 

...

 

LGBT and Q? He read the prompter and thought "And Q? When did they add that?"

 

...

 

I think he just decided to ban the French.

 

I caught that. His goal all along.

 

Trump endorsed violence. He's not welcome in our country!

 

I don't want to put words in his mouth, but I think Trump may want to scapegoat immigrants.

 

You're being harsh. He just told us he's compassionate. So it must be true.

 

He's compassionate, but... He believes in equality, but...

 

...

 

How long do you think it's been since he went off script? The balloon drop was supposed to happen at 11:10.

 

...

 

A Trump America will have a Robocop on every street corner, an Apple II computer in every home and no Muslims or Mexicans.

 

I'm kind of excited about the Robocops.

 

...

 

He's going more off script as the night goes. He's saying "very very" now.

 

...

 

Watch the propaganda in the old Robocop movies. I'm telling ya.

 

...

 

Yep. It's only a matter of time before he proposes The Potsie Show.

 

Potsie Show would make it all worthwhile.

 

Fingers crossed.

 

...

 

I bet Trump struts even when he's on the toilet.

 

...

 

'Yes you will' is a chant now. That's just lazy chanting.

 

and more plagiarism.

 

...

 

He takes the greatest shits ever. Very very tremendous shits.

 

Toilets beg for him to sit on them.

 

...

 

His rock are his 5 children & 11 bastard children

 

He didn't mention his grandchildren, but he can't talk about them for long anyway.

 

History is watching?

 

A slogan isn't a pledge.

 

History is watching as he stands on geography and wins at economics.

 

no balloons?

 

Here they come.

 

Who's going to clean up this mess?

 

Overpaid minimum wage earners will clean up.

 

Brian Williams said it's the longest acceptance speech in modern times.

 

Longest speech, least said.

 

Namaste, Bitches

Irreconcilable Differences

The Bizarre Tale of the 2016 Republican National Convention

Prologue

The Republican National Convention is a thing that happened, and it was all kinds of fucked up. I hate to use the reality show analogy because it's been so overused throughout the primary. I've overused it myself on this very blog site. I'm about to overuse it again. The RNC should be nominated for an Emmy. It had everything a good reality show should. Broken alliances, D-List celebrities, a cheating scandal, fights, costumes, dancing, people screaming for no reason, and Scott Baio for no reason.

Many people couldn't stomach four nights of this crazy shit, but still want to be informed. With the help of mild sedatives, I watched every episode and will tell you everything you need to know. There are many things you won't understand about the RNC. For instance, no one knows why the delegates dress up in costumes to vote for a presidential nominee. Although, I have to give them credit for creativity when it comes to headwear. One of my favorites was a star spangled hat with a stuffed elephant. But if I have to pick a winner it would be the Texas delegation. They wore matching Lone Star shirts and cowboy hats. They were well coordinated making it easy to identify a Texas delegate. If this were the Celebrity Apprentice, Texas would have won on branding.

A band played between speakers and the costumed delegates danced like it was New Year's Eve. Conversely, during the speeches they turned into an angry lynch mob at the mere mention of Hillary Clinton. They chanted, "LOCK HER UP! LOCK HER UP!" It could have come across dark and ugly, but it's hard to feel intimidated by an angry lynch mob wearing stuffed animals on their heads.

Many insignificant people took to the stage over four long days to express their dislike of Hillary Clinton. A couple of them, usually people named Trump, said nice things about Donald Trump.

Part One – Monday

Monday's theme was Make America Safe Again. I watched every minute of it, but somehow missed the part where America is going to be safe again.

Notable Speakers:

A Duck Dynasty Guy  I refuse to learn the name of any Duck Dynasty people. A Duck Dynasty Guy was the first speaker of the convention because the name Trump is synonymous with class. I don't know what A Duck Dynasty Guy said because my roommate and I were too busy laughing and making fun of him to listen.

Scott Baio  An actor so well known that CNN identified him only as 'Sitcom Star.' Though a plagiarizing scandal would cast doubt as to who wrote the speeches for the convention, Baio's words are quite obviously his own. It's the kind of stellar speech one would expect from a sitcom star. And I quote: "Hillary Clinton wants to be President for Hillary Clinton. Donald Trump wants to be President for all of us. Let's make America great again, but let's make America America again." No one knows what the fuck 'make America America again' means.

This reminds me of an episode of The Potsie Show when Ralph met a girl at the library and pretended to have read all her favorite books. And the girl took him to her book club. But when they asked Ralph what he liked about the book it was obvious he hadn't read it and the girl dumped him.

If you're an undecided voter who has been swayed to Team Trump by Scott Baio's charm, I urge you to wait and see who Fonzie endorses. Remember, Fonzie is the coolest and Chachi joined the cast of Happy Days the very season it jumped the shark.

Antonio Sabato, Jr.  Another has-been plucked from obscurity to make an ass of himself. He's a soap star from the eighties whom my sister had a crush on. A crush that she began denying Monday night. Laughter again prevented me from hearing his actual speech. I did watch an interview he gave afterward where he claimed Obama is a Muslim because Obama isn't a Christian name. Ironically, Antonio was only invited to speak because Trump didn't realize the Italian Sabato wasn't Mexican. Trump wanted a "famous" Mexican to endorse him to counter the claim that he hates all Mexicans simply because he called them rapists.

People Who Were on The Real World Two Decades Ago  A chick who was on the third season of The Real World – the one with Puck – and the obnoxious jock frat guy from another season got married. Obnoxious Jock Frat Guy is now a state representative or a councilman or the ambassador of cheese or something. The Real World couple have eight children. Real World Couple spent half of their allotted time talking about The Real World and their eight children in an obvious attempt to woo TV producers into giving them a new reality show. Ultra conservative families who don't believe in birth control have no choice but to star in reality shows to support the absurd amount of children they knew they couldn't afford before they had them. Ambassador of cheese sounds like a good job, but it doesn't pay much if you have eight kids. If they had two kids they could probably live on cheese ambassador money quite comfortably.

Real World Couple followed the pathetic pitch for Puck Plus Eight with a series of lame Hillary Clinton jokes. It was the kind of sharp wit one expects to hear on a Real World reunion special. (Do they still do those?)

Rudy Guilliani  Rudy was one of the few non-Trump speakers who managed to say anything nice about Trump. The former New York mayor told of the many "anonymous" donations Trump made to police and schools and low-income hookers. I don't think Rudy knows what anonymous means. You see, Rudy, an anonymous donation means you don't know the identity of the donor. But you clearly know the identity, so it wasn't anonymous.

AFTER THAT RUDY GOT ALL FIRED UP ABOUT STUFF AND STARTED SCREAMING LIKE A MANIAC! HE THINKS AMEEEERRRRICCAAA IS IN TERRIBLE SHAPE! WE'RE ALL ABOUT TO DIE!!! HILLARY AND OBAMA ARE TO BLAME FOR EVERY BAD THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED IN THE HISTORY OF AMMEEERRRRICCCAAA!!!! PERHAPS EVEN THE HISTORY OF THE WHOLE WORLD!!! HE SCREAMED AMMMEEERRRICCCA A LOT! I THOUGHT HE WAS GOING TO THROW UP WHILE HE WAS SCREAMING AMMMEEERRRICCAAAA!!! IT WAS WEIRD AND DISTURBINNNNGGGGG!!! I DIDN'T CATCH MOST OF WHAT HE SAID BECAUSE HE WAS SCREAMING LIKE A JACKASS AND IT WAS HARD TO FOLLOW!!!

Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Rudy Guilliani.

Dear Rudy,

I am a grown-up. I don't listen when people scream at me. Would you like it if someone was screaming at you like that? You need to learn to use your inside voice and speak calmly.

Warm Regards,
Donna Troy

Donald J. Trump  Donnie appeared onstage in a cloud of purple smoke to Queen's "We Are The Champions." And no one took his campaign seriously a year ago. If purple smoke doesn't say 'give this man the nuclear codes,' I don't know what does.

He said something about winning big and then introduced his beautiful piece-of-ass.

Note: The following day, Queen put out a statement about the unauthorized use of their song. This shit happens in every election. Future candidates, please get permission before using a copyrighted song in your campaign. It makes you look like an asshat when you don't and get called out on it. Not cool.

Melania Trump  There was a lot of buzz around Melania's speech before she took the stage. Because she doesn't speak publicly much. Because English isn't her first language. Because she's one of those filthy immigrants Donald Trump is trying to deport. Except Melania gets to stay because Donnie believes it's important to have a beautiful piece-of-ass on his arm. And now this beautiful piece-of-ass is a possible First Lady. Which means she needs to have more skills than that which is required of a beautiful piece-of-ass. Which may prove to be difficult because she's skated through life on her looks, thus far. So there was a lot of buzz.

Prior to the convention, Melania gave an interview to Matt Lauer where she claimed to have written the speech herself with as little help as possible. Finally, Melania took the stage and gave an eloquent and inspiring speech worthy of a First Lady. The First Lady being Michelle Obama who gave that very same speech eight years ago.

Despite footage of Michelle Obama giving the speech that Melania repeated almost verbatim, the Trump campaign denied the accusations of plagiarism in a most stupid way. Paul Manafort, Trump's campaign Something-or-Other, claimed the speeches were similar because Melania shares many ideals with Michelle. Which is curious since Trump accuses the Obamas of ruining America for all eternity. Manafort also claimed the speech used a lot of common words. It was like that time Vanilla Ice ripped off that Queen song, but still claimed his song was different while simultaneously acknowledging it was the same.

On Wednesday, a statement was released to the press by Meredith McIver, the Trump's in-house staff ballerina/speech writer, who claimed responsibility for the colossal fuck up. Her written statement explaining how Mrs. Obama's eight-year-old speech somehow ended up in Melania's speech was basically incomprehensible. In all fairness, it's important to remember she's a ballerina first, a speech writer second and a scapegoat third.

Part Two – Tuesday

Tuesday's theme was Make America Work Again. I can't tell you how Trump plans to make America work again because it didn't come up.

They performed the delegate vote officially making Donald Trump the Republican nominee. The Trump kids got to call the vote for the New York delegates, which put Donnie over the top. Please note: Two of the Trump kids didn't vote in the New York primary because they didn't register as Republicans on time. Because they didn't understand the rules even though they're really smart. Anyway, Little Don called the vote and shouted, "We love you, Dad!" to the sky for some reason. I don't know why Little Don thinks his dad is in the sky. No matter. Little Don's cult-like devotion to his father is duly noted.

Notable Speakers:

Chris Christie  This bloated motherfucker opened his speech by declaring he's been friends with Donald Trump for fourteen years. You'd think he'd have a lot to say about the character of a man who's been his friend for such a long time. You'd be wrong. His entire speech can be summed up thusly:

Christie:

I know Donald Trump. I was a prosecutor. I hate Hillary Clinton. Let's have a mock trial of Hillary Clinton. I'm going to list a bunch of half-truths and outright lies after which I would like the angry lynch mob in front of me to yell guilty. Here we go.

Hillary Clinton owned a Ouija board as a kid. She's a witch!

Angry Lynch Mob:

GUILTY!

Christie:

Hillary Clinton was First Lady when Nixon died. She covered up her involvement in Watergate!

Angry Lynch Mob:

GUILTY! LOCK HER UP! BURN HER AT THE STAKE! I'M HUNGRY!

Christie:

Hillary Clinton is probably going to be President. I wanted that job. She's taking jobs away from honest, hard-working Americans!

Angry Lynch Mob:

GUILTY! LOCK HER UP! WE WANT PIE!

Later, Hillary Clinton Tweeted in response and made reference to Christie's involvement in the Bridgegate scandal. A reporter asked Christie about Clinton's response. That motherfucker said he is seriously warning the Secretary not to go down that road.

Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Chris Christie.

Dear Chris Christie,

First of all, your name is stupid and someone should smack your parents for giving you such a stupid name. Second, who the fuck do you think you are? Hillary Clinton is the future first woman President of the United States. Your career is toast. Look, I know you're angry and bitter and disappointed, but it's not Hillary's fault. It's yours. You need to accept it and let go of this misplaced anger.

Best wishes in all your future endeavors.

Sincerely,
Donna Troy

Tiffany Trump  Tiffany is twenty-two years old and came across rather sweet and endearing. She gave a lovely speech and shared warm anecdotes about her father. Unfortunately, it wasn't enough to win the love of The Donnie who barely recognizes she's a person. I can't wait for Tiffany's tell-all book and the inevitable Lifetime movie based on Tiffany's tell-all book, The Daughter He Left Behind: The Tiffany Trump Story.

Donald Trump, Jr.  Don Jr. is the spoiled rich asshole son of a spoiled rich asshole. But Don Jr. wants you to know both he and his father understand the plight of the common man. Because he rode on a bulldozer with a guy named Vinnie, once. Because telling a story about the time he went slumming with the Vinnies of The Trump Organization doesn't make him seem like a pompous asshole at all.

He also kept repeating something about how his Dad has signed the front of a paycheck. I'm not sure why Don Jr. thinks that matters, but I do know Don Jr. has never stepped foot in the payroll department. The CEO doesn't actually sign paychecks. The signature prints right on the checks.

Don Jr. would also like you to know that he and his father see all that is wrong with America today. For instance, Don Jr. knows our public school system is run for the benefit of the teachers and not the students.

Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Don Jr.

Dear Don Jr.,

My sister is a teacher. She has asked me to express to you how the six minutes she is allotted for pee time is not to her benefit. You need to pivot toward the general election. Disparaging teachers will only win the vote of stupid people, which you already have.

Sincerely,
Donna Troy

The rest of his speech went something like this:

"Hillary and Obama are bad. My dad is the greatest person ever. I love you, Dad! I know Ivanka is your favorite, but I'm trying really hard to kiss your ass. Please don't leave me out of the will like Tiffany. I'll never make it on my own."

Dr. Ben Carson  Dr. Carson explained how the brain works while pointing to his head like he was talking to a group of pre-school children. In all fairness, the people in the audience were wearing stuffed animals on their heads, so.... He then awkwardly attempted to connect Hillary Clinton to Lucifer. Because forty years ago Hillary Clinton read a book in which Lucifer was jokingly mentioned. Ben Carson missed the jokingly part. Because Ben Carson doesn't have a sense of humor. Or a sense of reality. So, according to Dr. Ben, Hillary Clinton is the candidate of Lucifer.

Unfortunately for Dr. Ben, I beat him to the punch on this. In my unauthorized biography of Donald Trump, I make a much better case for Trump being the candidate of Lucifer. And I back it up with facts. Facts as defined by Donald Trump.

And those were the first two days of The Republican National Convention. It started with Ducky Dynasty and ended with Lucifer. God bless America.

Look for Parts Three and Four Coming Soon. As soon as I write them.

Namaste, Bitches

Speechless

Melania Trump's speech was supposed to be the highlight on the first night of the RNC. It was a good speech, and true to Trump form, it was not without bullshit drama. Shortly after the RNC convened for the evening, it was discovered that Melania Trump had Milli Vanilli-ed the speech. Yep. She didn't sing a single note. Michelle Obama was the original recording artist. I, for one, am sick of immigrants crossing our borders, taking our jobs and stealing our speeches.

Knowing that a possible, but not likely, future First Lady would plagiarize a speech damages the credibility of not only Melania, but her husband, @realDonaldTrump. (I say this only for the idiots who believed these assholes had any credibility in the first place.) Through my super special top secret connections, and Wikipedia, I've received an advance copy of Trump's acceptance speech, which he plans on delivering Thursday. Some of it sounds awfully familiar. Judge for yourselves.

The Greatest Acceptance Speech Any Presidential Nominee Has Ever Given In The Entire History of America, Nominees and Speeches

Folks, four score and seven years ago is eighty-seven years ago, okay. I know this because I graduated from the Wharton School of Business. I'm exceptional with the maths. Are we doing this? Let's do this. I, Donald J. Trump, accept the Republican nomination for President of the United States. First, I want to thank Cleveland and all the people who came out to support me tonight. Don Jr., Eric, Tiffany and especially, Ivanka. Melania is at home with the youngest one. Didn't she give a great speech the other night, folks. It was fantastic. She wrote it all herself. I didn't know she was such a good writer. I read it on the plane. I said, "Honey, you wrote this?" She nodded. Couldn't believe it. Could not believe it. I say this not in a braggadocios way, but it was probably the greatest First Lady speech ever. I said, "Honey, you have to help me with my speech." She nodded. She has a great head on her shoulders. She has great things beneath her shoulders, too. Amazing stuff. That I can tell you.

Governor Chris Christie of New Jersey is here. Do we love New Jersey? Chris was on my short list for VP, but he didn't make it to the final boardroom. Look, I love Chris. He's great and he has a great future ahead of him, but I said to him, "How can I pick a guy who dropped out of the race before John Kasich? I just can't do it. It makes you look like a loser. I can't have a loser for my number two. Can't do it. It would make me look like a loser. Trump is not about to lose. We're going to win and win big." But you know what, folks, I'm going to give five thousand dollars to Chris's charity. Am I nice or what?

Governor Mike Pence is here from Indiana. Is he great or what? You know, we announced Mike would be my running mate last week, but just so you know, folks, I haven't made my final, final, final, final decision yet. It could be, it'll probably be Mike, but I don't know. We'll have to see how things go. We did an interview together on 60 Minutes. Did you see 60 Minutes? The last time I did 60 Minutes I met Putin. We got along fantastically, folks. Putin said to me, "Mr. Trump, I think you'll be a tremendous president. Tell me, what will you do for the people of Russia?" I said, "Putin, ask not what Trump can do for you, but what you can do for Trump." (Applause line.) He was blown away by that, folks. Let me just tell you. Blown away.

Speaking of John Kasich, we're in Ohio, the great state of Ohio, and the Republican Governor John Kasich hasn't got the class to show up to my convention. I called him last night and I said to him, "John, what are you doing?" He says to me, "I don't have time to talk right now." Can you believe it, folks? I'm probably, most likely, going to be President and this pissant little governor doesn't have time to talk to me. I said to him, "John, you're putting a wall between us. I'm trying to unite the party and the country. Mr. Kasich, tear down this wall." (Applause line.)

I hear from others in the party. They don't think I spend enough time going after Crooked Hillary. I said to them, "What are you talking about? No one has gone after Crooked Hillary more than Trump. I gave her the name Crooked Hillary. No one was calling her Crooked Hillary before I started calling her Crooked Hillary. That I can tell you. When people think of Crooked Hillary they think of Trump." They say I get sidetracked too easily and they want me to read off a prompter. That's boring. Do you want me to read from a prompter, folks? I didn't think so. So, they say I need to go after Crooked Hillary more. Scott Baio is here tonight. Do we love Scott Baio? Remember Joanie Loves Chachi? Do you remember that? That show was a total disaster. I love Scott, but no one wants to hear him sing. Okay. I have to take a little shot at you, Scott. Really. Great actor. Bad singer. And why would Happy Days spin off Joanie and Chachi? Ron Howard had already left the show. Fonzie was getting older. Joanie and Chachi were the main characters on Happy Days. You don't spin off the main characters. Joanie and Chachi aren't a spin-off. Potsie is a spin-off. Let me just tell you, if Trump were producing that show, Joanie and Chachi would have never left and The Potsie Show would probably still be on the air today. It would be the longest running show of all time. Fortunately, Joanie Loves Chachi only lasted one season and Joanie and Chachi returned to Happy Days. Our long national nightmare was over. (Applause line.)

Let me finish off by saying, I have a dream. I have a dream that one day all Mexicans will get the hell out of here. Just go back where they came from. I have a dream. I have a dream that a big beautiful wall will be built on our Southern Border and The Trump Organization will build it and Mexico will pay for it. I have a dream. I have a dream that Donald J. Trump will be the greatest jobs president God ever created. I have a dream. I have a dream that a gold statue of Donald J. Trump will be erected in front of the White House. I have a dream. I have a dream that people will stop accusing me of having an inappropriate relationship with my daughter just because I expressed my desire to do so on The View. I have a dream. Of course, I'm talking about my daughter, Ivanka, not Tiffany. Tiffany was a huge mistake, okay. Back to Ivanka, just so you know, folks. Read my lips, I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Ivanka Trump.

Namaste, Bitches