Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Lasso of Truth

Anne Hathaway is an actress who a lot of people hate for no reason. A while back there was an article out about this important topic. I realized that I hated Anne Hathaway for no reason. I felt bad for hating Anne Hathaway even though I don't know her and, most likely, will never meet her. But hating someone for no reason is weird.

Les Miserables was a horrible movie that I didn't want to see in the first place. At the time, a friend of mine had a crush on Russell Crowe. We had an agreement that I would see Russell Crowe movies with her and she would see Johnny Depp movies with me. This was a stupid agreement. At no time were we both having fun at the movies. There is nothing wrong with going to the movies by yourself, ladies.

The singing in this movie was so bad I wanted to stab myself in the eardrums with my car keys. The one bright spot was Anne Hathaway. Her singing was pitch perfect and emotional and all that good shit. Yet, I didn't want to admit she gave a solid performance because I hated her for no reason.

Hillary Clinton is also a person people dislike for no reason. People are constantly going on about how they can't stand her and don't trust her. Granted, I only care about my stupid opinions and no one else's, but I need to know what Hillary and I are up against. So I ask people why they don't trust her. The answers they give are as reasonable as my dislike of Anne Hathaway. And it's weird.

Hillary Clinton is the Anne Hathaway of the election. She has the most solid performance record, but everyone believes she has some secret evil plan that will unfold once she is in the White House. If you ask what that secret evil plan is, no one can tell you. Actually, they shouldn't be able to tell you because it would be the worst secret evil plan of all time if everyone knew about it.

If you believe Hillary Clinton is out to get us all with her secret evil plan, I urge you to check out this article full of easily verifiable facts:


If you're still with me, you either already agree with me or you're really damn stubborn. Really damn stubborn people, let's take a look at some of the most revered Presidents in our nation's history. I am going to tell you why each one of them was a devious, dishonest son of a bitch.


George Washington

"I cannot tell a lie" is a lie. The whole cherry tree story is bullshit. It' completely made up. Some may claim this doesn't prove Washington was dishonest as this story was invented by a biographer after his death. I claim he couldn't have been that virtuous if the biographer couldn't dig up one factual example of his honesty.

Hillary Clinton is a candidate who cares deeply about global warming and by extension, trees. We will never have to face a cherry tree scandal with Hillary in the White House.


Thomas Jefferson

Jefferson is guilty of the most outrageous case of nepotism ever. He freed all the slaves whom he fathered and no others. He didn't even free his baby mama.

Extensive DNA testing has confirmed Hillary Clinton doesn't have a secret family of slave children.


Andrew Jackson

His nickname was Indian Killer. He ordered the murders of Native American women and children because they had the audacity to be here first and didn't immediately relocate when whitey came to town. Every time you pull out a twenty dollar bill you're looking at the portrait of a serial killer.

Hillary Clinton is not a genocidal psychopath. Although, if she were to order the extinction of orange people, I can't promise I would object.


Abraham Lincoln

Lincoln is perhaps the most important president in our nation's history. He was The Great White Hope for millions of slaves. Most of us were taught to believe he ended slavery with the Emancipation Proclamation. He did free over three million slaves, but he left a half million fucked. The Emancipation Proclamation only applied to Confederate states. Five hundred thousand slaves in Union states were told to suck it. That's messed up.

I am happy to report slavery has been abolished in Union states and Hillary Clinton has no immediate plans to bring it back.


Franklin Roosevelt

Franklin and Eleanor were distant cousins. I don't care how distant. You should never marry someone with the same last name as you. This may not make FDR untrustworthy, but it makes him a creeper. How much do you trust a creeper?

Hillary and Bill are not blood relatives. I feel confident in stating Hillary is not a creeper. I do not feel confident stating the same for Bill.


Dwight Eisenhower

Operation Wetback. This was actually a thing.

Hillary Clinton has plans to release a workout video called "Operation Backfat."


John F Kennedy

He used and abused Marilyn Monroe then passed her on to his brother like a pair of hand-me-down sneakers. After Bobby had no more use for her, they had her murdered, which in turn sparked Joe Dimaggio to have JFK assassinated by Lee Harvey Oswald. Meanwhile, Frank Sinatra was pissed because Kennedy unfriended him due to his mob connections. Unfriending someone was way worse back then because you had to do it in person as Facebook wouldn't be invented for another fifty years. Sinatra agreed to help Dimaggio by hiring Jack Ruby to kill Oswald as Oswald was a bit of a loose cannon. The rest is history.

We don't know if Hillary Clinton has orchestrated any murders because she is organized and discreet, which is more than I can say for these jokers. Deep down, don't we want a President with the ability to discreetly orchestrate a murder?


Namaste, Bitches

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Bare Naked Ladies

Donald Trump attacked Heidi Cruz because Melania Trump posed nude for GQ magazine. Then Ted Cruz and The Donald traded insults via Twitter, which prompted the National Enquirer to run a piece accusing Ted Cruz of adultery. This has truly been an enlightening episode in our democratic process. I learned Ted Cruz has a wife and her name is Heidi.

Because Trump is a narcissist who needs constant attention like a two-year-old, he feigned outrage that the nude photo of Melania was "leaked." He does have a point. The photo was taken aboard his private jet by the photographers of British GQ for publication in their magazine. Obviously, it was a private photo meant only to be seen by Trump and his closest friends. His closest friends being the entire United Kingdom.

The photo was "leaked" in an evil plan hatched by anti-Trump people. They believed some uptight, puritanical people would object to a photo of Melania naked on a fur rug while handcuffed to a briefcase. In truly devious evil-plan fashion, they argued this isn't the First Lady image America would like to project. This evil plan was foiled as they didn't know Trump had beans to spill on Heidi Cruz.

Beans. Were. Spilled.

In the tradition of all classy, sophisticated, worldly billionaires and Presidential candidates, Trump eloquently explained why Heidi Cruz would be a disaster as First Lady. She's ugly. Just look at that face.



She's obviously hideous, with her perfect teeth and flawless skin. If you're like me, you had no idea Heidi Cruz was ugly until Trump told us. I'm so grateful he brought this significant issue to light, enabling voters to make an informed decision.

People are unfairly labeling Donald a misogynist just because he believes having a young hot wife makes him a bigger man. Also, because he judges women by their looks. And also, because he makes no attempt to hide his hatred for intelligent women who won't pose nude on a fur rug aboard his private jet. And also, because he uses sexists terms like bimbo. And also, because he said he would like to date his daughter. And also, remember this lady?



Carolyn Kepcher, former Trump executive and star of The Apprentice. Trump fired her because she became famous on his reality show and he didn't care to share the attention. He then replaced her with his daughter whom he would like to date.

To be fair, other than Heidi and Carolyn, Donald has only publicly bashed a few other women: Rosie O'Donnell, Martha Stewart, Carly Fiorina, Hillary Clinton, Cher, Barbara Walters, Bette Midler, Michelle Malkin, Arianna Huffington, Kim Kardashian, Rhianna, Miss Universe, Columba Bush, Ivana Trump, Marla Maples and Megyn Kelly.

In addition to Donald being unfairly portrayed as the villain, some people believe Melania Trump is a victim of slut shaming. By "some people" I mean Donald and Melania Trump. Slut shaming isn't a thing. Women who pose nude for photos make a choice knowing some people will find that choice distasteful. Whether it's Kim Kardashian-West or a possible future First Lady, these women aren't victims as the term slut shaming would imply. It's not slut shaming. It's slut naming.

Kardashian-West and Melania Trump have more in common than the recent backlash over their nudie pics. They're both "models." They're both famous because... ? They both married rich, egocentric, willfully ignorant assholes who believe they were meant for greater things like being President or Jesus. Both of their husbands are grown men who fight with strangers on Twitter because that’s mature behavior worthy of the President or Jesus. Both of their husbands gave their sons arrogant names like Saint and Barron. Why would any woman put up with this bullshit?

Now, I ain't saying she's a gold digger, but...

Namaste, Bitches

Monday, March 21, 2016

This Is The Song That Never Ends...

Did you know that Barack Obama is still President? You may have forgotten about him because the campaign for the November 2016 election began in April 1986. Choosing a President is an important decision and it shouldn't be rushed, but if you need two years to make up your mind, you're probably one of those undecided voters who goes to the voting booth without having made a choice. Make a decision already. You're holding up the line. Or better yet, don't vote at all if you're that stupid.

Wishy-washy people who annoy me aside, our election process needs to be streamlined. If we make a few tweaks to the system I think we can get this thing down to three months.

Presidential Requirements

Everyone with a pulse and Ben Carson announced they were running for President last year. All these people are eligible to run even if Donald Trump perceives them as a threat and makes a dumbass declaration of their ineligibility. Under the Constitution, even lack of a pulse doesn't disqualify a person from becoming a Presidential candidate. Pizza Hut has more requirements for delivery drivers than the Constitution has for President.


Though Pizza Hut delivery people have more of an impact on my daily life than the President, I can't help think it should be harder to run for President than it is to deliver pizza.

The current requirements to run for President:
Must be 35 years of age or older
Must be a natural born citizen
Must be a resident for 14 years

These are truly shitty requirements. Pizza Hut would be sued for discriminatory hiring practices if they used these job requirements. Despite these bullshit rules, over 247 million people are eligible to run for President. Let's get that number down. We don't even require a high school diploma to be President. We'll need an Amendment to the Constitution, which I am proposing and will be referred to as The Pizza Hut Amendment.


The Pizza Hut Presidential Requirements Amendment

Must have a high school diploma or GED.

Must maintain a courteous and professional attitude at all times.

Must have a clean driving record.
(Borrowed that from Pizza Hut.)

Must have two years related experience in public office even if it is mayor of Allgood, Alabama. (Actual town. Population: 622)

Both the candidate and the candidate's spouse must be natural born citizens.
(I'm leaving this in because I fear a President Schwarzenegger. I added the spouse because I fear a First Lady Melania.)

Must have strong problem solving capabilities, be a self-starter and a team player. As a potential President you will be called upon to solve many problems. During the hiring process you'll be asked how you may solve a hypothetical problem. We require a detailed and specific response. We will not accept answers such as, "If there was a problem, Yo, I'll solve it. Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it." (Donald Trump is to the Presidency as Vanilla Ice is to rapping.)

Must have strong verbal and written communication skills. [Proficiency with MS Office a plus.] The American people need a clear message from the President. Please refrain from language that may be confusing or misleading.

For example: If a Presidential candidate were to say that Mexicans are rapists and follow that by saying, "Some, I assume, are good people," is he saying some Mexicans are good people or some rapists are good people? It's important for an informed electorate to know how a candidate feels toward rapists.

I took out the age requirement. If the American people want to vote for a candidate wearing a Justin Bieber tee shirt, then the American people deserve a President with Bieber fever. The natural born citizen rule will prevent Justin Bieber himself from becoming President.


Nominating Process

The nominating process will begin in August of an election year. The Pizza Hut Requirements should narrow the field of candidates. To be on the safe side, we will allow no more than five candidates for each party. Candidates will be chosen on a first-come-first-serve basis. The first five people to announce their candidacy in both parties are the candidates. If you're the sixth person to announce, we'll keep your résumé on file. Please feel free to apply again in four years.

Republicans and Democrats will have one debate each. Tom Brokaw is to come out of retirement to moderate the debates because CNN doesn't understand that news anchors shouldn't have names like Wolf and Poppy. How can you be the most trusted name in news when you trust people named Wolf and Poppy?

Candidates will be eliminated during the debates, thus ending the need for delegates, super delegates, Super Tuesdays, Super Saturdays, and Super Mario Brothers. I have no fucking clue what a super delegate is and I have no desire to learn. You may think immediate elimination on live TV is treating the Presidential debates like a reality show. It is.


Causes For Immediate Elimination During the Debate

Mentioning what your parents did for a living. No one cares if your mom was a maid and your dad was a chicken plucker. Brokaw's not having that shit.

Joking about the size of your dick or the size of your opponent's dick. Brokaw's not having that shit. (Thanks, Marco Rubio. You gave the whole country nightmares about Donald Trump's tiny orange dick.)

Invoking September 11th for political gain. Just. Don't. Brokaw's not having that shit.

Bitching about your opponents having more time to talk than you. Brokaw's not having that shit.

Agreeing to the rules of the debate, then blatantly not following them. Brokaw's not having that shit.

Any candidate who breaks these rules will hear Tom Brokaw say, "Brokaw's not having that shit." You must immediately return to your hotel room, pack your bags and leave.

Most of the candidates will break these rules within the first twenty minutes of the debate. The two candidates remaining are our nominees.

Some people may feel it's unfair they no longer get to caucus or vote in primaries. Too bad. Some people have been voting for Donald Trump. Brokaw's not having that shit.


Namaste, Bitches

Saturday, March 19, 2016

Brother, Can You Spare a Dime?

Prostitution is the only profession where women make more than their male counterparts. Even with that economic advantage, hookers get screwed time and time again. Because as we all know, pimps make more than hoes. As well they should.  It's hard out here for a pimp. When he's trying to get this money for the rent. For the Cadillacs and gas money spent.  Because a whole lot of bitches talkin' shit. (Those are lyrics from an Academy Award winning song. Someone wrote, "a whole lot of bitches talkin' shit" and won an Oscar for it. How do I submit my blog for Oscar consideration? Also, look for an upcoming blog entitled, "A Whole Lot of Bitches Talkin' Shit.")

Hookers aren't the only people getting screwed. Women in semi-respectable professions are making an average of twenty-one percent less than their male co-workers. I could go on a long rant about sexist shenanigans. (See my previous blog.) But I'm not going to. Sure, the wage gap exists because of sexism, but that's not why it continues. Greed is the reason it continues. Employers will always pay their employees the lowest salaries they can. They'd pay nothing if Lincoln hadn't abolished slavery.

If you're a woman considering prostitution to supplement your income or a man who's tired of paying for everything, please consider joining my movement. I'm calling it The She Works Hard For The Money So Hard For It, Honey Revolution.

Greedy Assholes of America, the people of The She Works Hard For The Money So Hard For It, Honey Revolution are taking action. We will no longer tolerate wage discrimination in any form, but especially in the form of paying women less than men. If women weren't horribly bad at math you wouldn't have gotten away with it for so long. From this moment forward, all women in America get a wage increase of twenty-one cents on the dollar...


Or Else...

Women will only work seventy-nine percent of a forty-hour work week. Our weekends now begin around four-thirty on Thursdays. Enjoy all the soda and potato chips at your Friday afternoon pot-luck lunches, which you'll eat off of the Dollar Store paper plates that cheap prick always brings.

We'll spend our long weekends finding ways other than prostitution to supplement our incomes. (Please check out my sponsor's website.)


Or Else...

We will stop reminding you about things like your wife's birthday or your child's name.


Or Else...

We'll tell that woman in your office who thinks she's wearing a sweater dress that it's actually just a sweater and she needs to put some pants on. You may continue paying her twenty-one percent less than everyone else.


Or Else...

We'll stop keeping candy jars on our desks. You'll actually have to look for change for the vending machine. It won't be easy because no one has change anymore due to the fact that no one carries cash anymore. And if you do manage to scrounge up some change, remember, that candy bar has been sitting in there since people stopped carrying cash.


Or Else...

We will no longer keep medicine in our purses. Medicine like aspirin or the Pepto Bismol you're desperately going to need after eating a Snickers from 2006. What are you guys doing with all that extra money you're making that you can't even buy your own damn aspirin?


Or Else...

We will align ourselves with pimps who possess no musical skills, but are still looking to get out of prostitution. Greedy Assholes of America may be able to say no to Donna Troy's reasonable request for wage increase, but try saying no to Doctor Ho Patrol. (I got that name from the pimp name generator on memphispimpdaddy.com. The Internet is such a useful tool.)

The good people of The She Works Hard For The Money So Hard For It, Honey Revolution have the utmost confidence in Doctor Ho Patrol's negotiating skills/scare-tactics. But we'd like that to be our last resort because Doctor Ho Patrol don't come cheap. Once we receive our wage increase of twenty-one cents on the dollar, we'll have to kick up forty cents to Doctor Ho Patrol leaving us worse off than when we started. (Shit like this is why women don't like to learn math.)

Greedy Assholes of America, the choice is yours. Give us a raise or we have no problem short-changing ourselves for the pleasure of watching Doctor Ho Patrol... Fuck. You. Up.

Namaste, Bitches




Comments:

sissytroy said:
This is your sister. I teach math even though, as a woman, I'm not very good at it. Luckily my pimp helps me out with lesson plans.

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

In Her Satin Tights, Fighting For Your Rights...

Hillary Clinton stands a strong chance of being elected the first woman President of the United States. (Go, Hillary 2016! Woo!) As happy as this makes me, sexist people won't stop pissing me off. A lot of people don't like her, but that's true of all presidential nominees. (Read my previous blogs if you need examples.) Not supporting Hillary Clinton doesn't make a person sexist. Saying ignorant shit about women makes a person sexist. With the gloriousness of the first woman President shimmering before us, ignorant shit looms close behind. Below is a list of ignorant shit that needs to stop, because Hillary and I aren't having it. (Hillary and I are on a first name basis. She's not aware of it, but we are.)



Ignorant Shit That Needs To Stop Because Hillary and I Aren't Having It

1.
Complaining that Hillary "shouts."

Bernie Sanders doesn't have an inside voice, and no one has a problem with it. I don't have a problem with it. I have a problem with attributing the volume of one's voice to her ability to govern. Watch any one of the Republican debates and the men are all shouting at each other. WOMEN ARE ALLOWED TO RAISE THEIR VOICES IF THE MOMENT CALLS FOR IT!!!

If you are someone who still has an issue with Hillary's "shouting," all TV and mobile media devices have volume control. Turn the sound down. It's a simple solution. I don't know why I had to tell you that, Bob Woodward.


2.
Stating Hillary needs to be likeable.

The two leading nominees of the Republican party are the two least likeable people in the campaign. They may be the two least likeable people on Earth.

We're not voting for the next American Idol. I'm sure of this because when I vote for American Idol, I vote for everyone except the person I want to go home. They wouldn't let me do that when I voted in the primary.


3.
Discussing Hillary's pantsuits.

I'm sick and tired of hearing about her damn pantsuits.


4.
We can't have a woman president because she'll bomb a country when she gets her period.

As we all know, lack of access to nuclear weapons is the only thing preventing women from bombing the shit out of everything during menstruation. Despite having my period when presented with the Dumbass Period Theory, I resisted the urge to blow anything up.

If you're still worried about the period issue, Hillary Clinton is 68 years old. It's not an issue. Period.


5.
Talking about abortion when someone brings up women's issues.

Things concern women that have nothing to do with our reproductive systems. For instance, we're very concerned about health care. Specifically, why Viagra is covered under most health insurance plans and birth control is not. This is an important health care issue.


6.
Stop talking, Sarah Palin.

You wouldn't know a petty-ass thug if he were your woman-beating son. (Why hasn't there been a Lifetime Original Movie about her? Baked Alaska: The Sarah Palin Story.)


7.
Saying stupid shit like the "gender card."

If I understand correctly, this is how the gender card works. Hillary mentions becoming the first woman President. Gender card played. Immediately all women in the world are under her spell and can't resist voting for her.

Men and magic-resistant women should be accused of sexism for calling out the gender card play.

First, why didn't I get my gender card? Does anyone know who's in charge of this?

Second, let me clarify a few things. Yes, saying someone played the gender card automatically makes you sexist. If you believe women have some kind of Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants voting agreement, see Number 6.

Finally, why are we supposed to act like a woman President isn't a big deal? It's a big fucking deal. If a woman President isn't a big deal, why haven't we had one? Answer: See Number 6.

Namaste, Bitches

Sunday, March 13, 2016

An Open Letter to Trump Supporters Who May Still Yet Be Saved

Dear Trump Supporters Who May Still Yet Be Saved,

What the fuck is your problem?

Like Anne Frank and her stepsister, I still believe most people are really good at heart. So what the fuck is your problem?

Donald Trump doesn't care about you. Donald Trump cares about Donald Trump. Do you really believe a man who dips everything he owns in gold knows anything about the struggles of a guy who wears a camouflage ball cap? He doesn't. (Why do so many of you wear camouflage ball caps? It's not a good look.)

Seriously, though, what the fuck is your problem? Let's work through your anger together.

Do you have a job?
If your answer is yes, what the fuck is your problem?
If your answer is no, did your job go overseas?
If your answer is yes, did you really enjoy telemarketing?
If your answer is yes, you are lying.

Do you have a home?
If your answer is yes, what the fuck is your problem?
If your answer is no, is your answer because your house was foreclosed upon and you live in an apartment now?
If so, you're the reason rent prices got jacked the hell up and I had to get a roommate. Don't buy a house you can't afford.
If your answer is no and you're living on the street, are you stealing someone's WiFi in order to read this blog?
Because that won't help you get off the streets. (But please be sure to share this blog with all your friends.)

Do you have a car?
If your answer is yes, what the fuck is your problem?
If your answer is no, take the bus or walk. What the fuck is your problem?
If your answer is yes, I have a car and I'm living in it, that sucks.

Do you have food?
If your answer is yes, what the fuck is your problem?
If your answer is no, you're lying. It's impossible not to find food in America.

Do you have lead-free water?
If your answer is yes, you don't live in Michigan.
If your answer is no, you live in Michigan. People of Michigan, that is fucked up. Your anger makes sense.

Look, Trump Supporters Who May Still Yet Be Saved, Trump is dangerous. America isn't perfect, but it's good enough that your Nazi-like anger is incomprehensible. You have a job, a home, a car, food and some of you have lead-free water. You have a good life. Deal with your anger and let go of Trump. It's not too late to stop the Trumpocalypse. I beg of you to reconsider your vote. In the words of the late Rodney King, "Stop it. That hurts."

Namaste, Bitches

Do You Know The Way To Santa Fe?

A Creepy Old Guy punched a protester at a Trump rally. Later, said Creepy Old Guy spoke to reporters and threatened to murder the protester. Creepy Old Guy was either unaware or unconcerned that both actions are crimes as he committed them openly in front of the police, Secret Service, and TV cameras.

The next evening Trump canceled a rally in Chicago, because protestors showed up. Said protesters cheered at the news. Trump supporters lost their shit and all hell broke loose.

Trump claims, as he always does when violence erupts at his rallies, that it was the protestors who started fighting and throwing punches. It's the media who shows his supporters in a bad light. If this is true, why doesn't he use some of his billions and billions of dollars to hire his own camera crews to film the rallies?

I feel a little sympathy for the poor overexposed billionaire. He was obviously a victim last night. He didn't get to express his First Amendment rights because the protesters were expressing their First Amendment rights. As we all know, your rights end where Trump's begin.

America, the time has come to stop trying to reason with crazy people. It doesn't work. Because they're crazy. If Trump wants to be president and his crazy supporters want it that bad, let them have it. Just not in America.

We the People of the United States of America hereby confirm the secession of "@real" Donald J. Trump and the People Who Will Follow Him Even If He Shoots Someone In The Middle Of 5th Avenue.

In an effort to maintain peace in the United States, we will give up one state to "@real" Donald J. Trump and those who would have him as president. Trump and his cult-like followers will start a new country in New Mexico, hereinafter referred to as Trump Mexico and Casino.

My apologies to the people of New Mexico. You're going to have to take one for the team. It wasn't easy to pick a state. I considered several options including Trump Dakota and Trumpachussetts. Ultimately, Trump Mexico and Casino was the funniest option for obvious reasons.

Actually, New Mexico, you're going to have to take two for the team. President Trump of the new nation of Trump Mexico and Casino is going to build a big, beautiful wall surrounding the border of Trump Mexico and Casino. (A big, beautiful door won't be necessary.) New Mexico is going to pay for the wall. You're losing your state anyway. You might as well use whatever money your government has to pay for the wall.

Citizens of the state formerly known as New Mexico, currently the nation of Trump Mexico and Casino, are welcome to relocate to any of the remaining forty-nine states of America. (America, let's consider making D.C. a state so we don't have to make all new flags with forty-nine stars. That seems like a pain in the ass.)

Trump won't be taking all his supporters. I mean, we're only giving up one state. There isn't room for everyone. Also, I still believe some Trump supporters can be saved. I will address them in my next blog entitled, "An Open Letter to Trump Supporters Who May Still Yet Be Saved".

For example, Creepy Old Guy whom I mentioned in the beginning of this article is going to Trump Mexico and Casino. If he doesn't go willingly, he will be deported. On the other hand, Gary Busey stays. He's funny. He was great in The Buddy Holly Story. And he suffers from brain damage, so he knows not what he does. Trump Mexico and Casino may take Albuquerque, but they will never take our Busey!

In a show of goodwill, I'm going to help the citizens of the newly formed Trump Mexico and Casino by drafting their Constitution. Actually, I'm only drafting the Preamble. I have a hunch the citizens of Trump Mexico and Casino aren't big readers.


Preamble to the Constitution of Trump Mexico and Casino

We the people of Trump Mexico and Casino, in order to form a more Trumptastic Union, establish a Justice League, insure domestic stupidity, provide excuses for the common defense mechanisms, promote the general insecurity and secure the blessings of Trump to ourselves and not to the haters and losers, because we do not posses the self awareness to realize that we are haters and losers, and do ordain and establish this Constitution for Trump Mexico and Casino.


Moving to a new country isn't easy, and many soon-to-be citizens of Trump Mexico and Casino have questions. I've taken the liberty of addressing some of your concerns below.


Frequently Asked Questions by Trump Mexicans

Q.
If I find I don't like living in Trump Mexico and Casino, can I return to the U.S?
A.
No.

Q.
What jobs are available in Trump Mexico and Casino?
A.
Someone needs to build that wall.

Q.
What happens to my Social Security if I become a citizen of Trump Mexico and Casino?
A.
The funds will be added to the next Powerball drawing.

Q.
Will Muslims be banned from Trump Mexico and Casino?
A.
Sure, whatever. Your bus is leaving.

Q.
Isn't New Mexico in Mexico?
A.
Just pack your shit and go.


Namaste, Bitches

Thursday, March 10, 2016

The Diary of Donna Troy

HITLER. If you read the name Hitler and felt nothing, you're not necessarily a bad person.  We use Hitler as an insult so often, it's kind of become meaningless to call someone Hitler. Every time one of our leaders does something we don't like, we call them Hitler. (I just realized how many times I've typed Hitler, and it looks real creepy. It's going to get creepier before I'm done.)

In fact, I have a friend we call Hitler because she's a tad on the bossy side. Should I be calling someone Hitler because she asked the waitress for the check before anyone could order dessert? Probably not. Is it incredibly insensitive to call a person from Poland Hitler? Probably. But I didn't get pie because of my good friend, Hitler, and I really wanted pie.

Trump recently had to defend himself, because so many people have compared him to Hitler. I would love to report that he did some deep introspection on what he may have said or done to be compared to Hitler. He didn't. He just said he's not Hitler.

Pundits, comedians, and snarky Internet bloggers have all compared Trump to Hitler. Do you know who else compared Trump to Hitler? The stepsister of Anne Frank. That's some serious shit. This is a serious Hitler warning not to be ignored.

SERIOUS HITLER WARNING: The stepsister of Anne Frank is getting a Hitler vibe from Trump. Take immediate and adequate shelter. In a voting booth. And vote for literally anyone else.

We need to find non-Hitler ways to insult our political leaders, so that serious Hitler warnings like this won't be overlooked in the future. To help I've come up with some names to call this year's presidential candidates in lieu of Hitler. I can't use all of the candidates, because there were so many, and quite frankly, I've already forgotten about some of them.


Most Republican Nominees
Alternate Name: Accidental Racists

They keep calling themselves the party of Lincoln and Reagan. I'll leave Reagan alone, because Nancy just died and you know... too soon. (Please take a moment of silence here.) I cannot leave the Lincoln thing alone. Today's Republicans are the party of the South. Lincoln had a notoriously poor relationship with the South. The South won't let the Confederate Flag go to this day. We're still suffering devastation over the Civil War. We lost Dukes of Hazzard reruns due to this bullshit. (Note: I live in the South. I'm quite happy here. Can we just cool it with the Confederate Flags?)

I don't know if the Republican nominees are accidental racists or on-purpose racists. But I do know that "Accidental Racist" is the worst song ever written.


Dr. Ben Carson
Alternate Name: Mr. Ben Carson

Stop calling him doctor and it's only a matter of time before he tries to bludgeon his mother again.


Jeb! Bush
Alternate Name(s): Stephen Baldwin, Daniel Baldwin, Billy Baldwin

Like the non-Alec Baldwins, Jeb! will never escape the shadow of his famous brother no matter how qualified or talented he may or may not be. (Any Jackson brother not named Michael is also an acceptable substitute.)


Marco Rubio
Alternate Name: Cosby

Rubio decided to go on a comedy tour last week rather than campaign for president. It was an odd choice, but whatever. It started out all right, but like Cosby, things went really wrong really fast.


Ted Cruz
Alternate Name: Muppet Asshole

He has a weird Muppet voice and he's an asshole.


Chris Christie
Alternate Name: Eva Braun


Donald Trump
Alternate Name: Adolf


Hillary Clinton
Alternate Name: Madame President


Namaste, Bitches

Sunday, March 6, 2016

Bullets and Bracelets

Gun violence is one of the saddest and most stupid problems facing our nation today. I blame the media for this problem. Song lyrics in popular music have been advocating gun violence for years. Eric Clapton shot the sheriff. (Self-defense, my ass.) Johnny Cash shot a man in Reno just to watch him die. And worst of all, Bubba shot the jukebox. (Other people might have wanted to listen to the jukebox, Bubba.) However, both gun enthusiasts and gun control advocates can breathe a collective sigh of relief. I've solved the problem.

We will create a department like the DMV that's responsible for gun ownership. This department will be called the DMV of Gun Ownership. Every American who wants to own a gun (or multiple guns, because they're just hoarders hiding behind the Second Amendment) will simply go to the DMV of Gun Ownership to obtain a license. First, all applicants must take a written test.

Sample Written Test

1.
Please spell the word gun.
(An incorrect answer to this question results in immediate disqualification. This question alone should cut down on the amount of gun violence in America by at least 75 percent.)

2.
Is there anyone you'd like to see dead? If so, who?
(It's all about prevention, people. Answering yes to this question will not result in disqualification. Instead, the intended victim will be taken to a "Safe Zone" to live out the rest of his or her life, which probably won't be that long because anyone can find you on the Internet. Some may say it's not fair to the intended victim, but we can't infringe on the Second Amendment rights of others just because some people don't want to die.)

3.
Would you like to be an organ donor?

4.
Are you drunk right now?
(Answering yes to this question will only result in disqualification if you are taking this test before noon. Answering yes will disqualify you from organ donation.)

5.
Taking this test means you care deeply for your Second Amendment rights. How many Amendments are in the Constitution?
(Hint: It's more than ten. They're not Commandments.)

6.
Would you like to be an organ donor?

7.
Are you an adult who constantly complains about the children of this generation, yet has no problem giving a child a gun?
(Answering yes to this question will immediately disqualify you, and your children will be placed in foster care.)

8.
Are you an adult who doesn't constantly complain about the children of this generation and has no problem giving a child a gun?
(Answering yes to this question will immediately disqualify you, and your children will be placed in foster care. You should never give a child a gun. You wouldn't let your kid play with knives or matches, would you?)

9.
Do you know where you are right now?
(The only correct answer to this question is I'm in America, Bitch.)


Once you pass the written test, you'll be required to take a vision test.

Sample Vision Test

1.
How many fingers am I holding up?
(It's a trick question. You can't see me.)

2.
Would you like to be an organ donor?


Passing the vision test will bring you to the final test, the shooting test.

Sample Shooting Test

A "trained" employee of the DMV of Gun Ownership will take you shooting around the neighborhood. All deaths and serious injuries will result in automatic failure. Flesh wounds are acceptable.


Congratulations! You've passed the test and will receive your DMV of Gun Ownership license. Your DMV of Gun Ownership license will actually be bulletproof bracelets with little silver bullets on them. We highly recommend that you practice deflecting bullets with your wrists, because it's the only thing that will save you.


We also encourage you to consider organ donation. We foresee a great need for organ donation in the immediate future.

Every four years you will be required by law to return to the DMV of Gun Ownership to renew your license bracelets. If you wait in line for three hours without shooting anyone, your license will be automatically renewed.

Namaste, Bitches




Comments:

guytroy2579 said:
Hey, this is your brother. Really? Clapton? I believe you mean Bob Marley. Also, Dad just wanted to tell you it's normal for the car to do that when you shift into all-wheel drive.

Saturday, March 5, 2016

Orange is the New Black

Eight years ago our nation had an exciting presidential election.  On one side we had a candidate vying to be our nation's first woman Vice President.  On the other side we had Barack Obama who would become the first black President of the United States.

Things are just as exciting this year.  Hillary Clinton WILL become the first woman President.  She just has to.  Donald Trump believes he will be the first orange President.  (I know everyone makes fun of his orange skin and it's a cheap shot, but my title doesn't work if I don't say it.  Besides, it's true.)

Look how far our nation has come.  In the final year of Obama's presidency we have a GOP front-runner who has received a glowing endorsement from the Ku Klux Klan.  And those people are hard to please.

In further exciting presidential news, today I am announcing my candidacy for President of Mexico. Yes, I will be the first United States citizen to run for President of Mexico.

My fellow Mexicans, I know that we have some issues to sort out before I can run.  For instance, I am not a fellow Mexican.  I don't speak Spanish.  I don't know how your elections work or if it's even an election year in your country.  I know even less about your government, but I do know this, I will be the greatest non-Mexican President of Mexico in all of Mexico's history.

I don't know the biggest concerns of your citizens or what problems your country faces.  I don't know my way around because I've never been to Mexico, but I've seen the movie La Bamba, and that was about a Mexican family living in the United States.  I know that it's every Mexican citizen's dream to move to the US and become a rock star, and with your support I can help make that dream come true.

My campaign slogan will be: Make America Remember How Much They Liked the Movie La Bamba Again.  If you make me your president, we will remake La Bamba and cast a Mexican actor in the lead role.  (I don't know his heritage.  I'm just assuming Lou Diamond Phillips is not Mexican based solely on his name.)  Indeed if I am elected President of Mexico, I promise you the new La Bamba will have a happy ending.  The plane will not crash on my watch.

Now, I realize my policies may not be popular with everyone.  If you're under thirty-five, you've probably never heard of La Bamba and have no idea what I'm talking about.  You may think it's stupid to mention America in my slogan to run for President of Mexico, but I promise you if elected I will make "La Bamba" our country's national anthem.  Because it's a great song and I don't know any other Mexican songs.  And by know, I mean I'm familiar with it.  I don't know the lyrics or anything because, as I mentioned before, I don't speak Spanish.

I do know some Spanish words.  The ones that were taught on Sesame Street during the late seventies and early eighties.  I also know that in Mexico, Sesame Street is called El Plazo Sesamo.  Did you know that in the US, Sesame Street is on HBO now?  That's some bullshit.  Parents have to pay for a premium channel so their children can enjoy the fine educational programming they used to be able to watch for free on PBS.  No wonder half the country is getting behind Tiny Hands Trump.

So, in conclusion if you vote to make me your first non-Mexican President of Mexico, I promise El Plazo Sesamo will always be free as long as the Children's Television Workshop doesn't fight me on that.

(Disclaimer: My candidacy for President of Mexico is my plan B if Trump wins the US election. If Hillary Clinton becomes President I will suspend my candidacy, abandon you and go back on all my campaign promises.)

Gracias, La Bamba, and Namaste, Bitches

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

You're a Wonder, Wonder Woman....

Parents of America, please stop telling your children anyone can grow up to be President.  Sure, it's important to be supportive and encouraging, but filling your children's heads with delusions of grandeur isn't helpful.  According to the primary results being announced on my TV right now, it's absolutely terrifying. There is nothing wrong with telling your child that he or she can grow up to be mayor.  Of a small town.  And nothing more.

Of the eleventy hundred people who have run and are still running for President this year, at least three of them have never held public office before.  (If they can run for President, I can make up numbers like eleventy.)  With no prior experience, each decided that he or she is qualified to hold the highest office in our nation.

Separating conjoined twins and performing brain surgery are amazing and worthwhile accomplishments, but I fail to see how this makes Ben Carson qualified to be President.  According to the TV movie about his life, starring Cuba Gooding, Jr., he separated conjoined twins in another country.  (Which country escapes me right now, and I don't feel like looking it up.  If you want to know that bad, you're on the Internet and you can look it up yourself.)  I guess that counts as his foreign policy experience?

I begrudgingly admit that an overwhelming amount of people consider building "yuge" tacky gold eyesores is enough experience and accomplishment to put Trump in the White House.

Although she's out of the race, Carly Fiorina is my favorite of the inexperienced candidates.  She has no accomplishments to speak of and that means she has the biggest balls of all.

I feel inspired by Trump, Carson and Big Balls Fiorina.  Why should I let a total lack of any applicable skills stop me from following my dreams?  It's time for me to embark on new opportunities no matter how stupid they are.  This is America, dammit.


Implausible Career Option
Astronaut

Qualifications
As a child I watched Mr. Wizard's World every day on Nickelodeon.  I would have done the experiments along with the show, but my mom wouldn't let me because she said I'd make a mess.  She wouldn't even let me try the one I wanted to do the most, which was using a pencil to make a record play.  She was afraid I'd scratch one of the many records she NEVER played.  If it weren't for my mom I'd be an astronaut today.  Shit.  Parents of America, forget everything I said before.


Implausible Career Option
Supermodel

Qualifications
Everyone knows supermodels are tall, thin, and beautiful.  I'm five-feet and four-and-a-half-inches tall.  That's right.  I'm a full half-inch taller than the average female height.  I weigh one-hundred-and-something-pounds, so we can check off thin. I believe my profile pic should leave no doubts as to my beauty.



Implausible Career Option
Doctor

Qualifications
I once cured a case of the hiccups.  The afflicted was my roommate, and I'm happy to report that she has since made a full recovery.  Aside from her recent gall bladder surgery, asthma, mild anxiety, and a back thing, she's in perfect health.

If you or someone you love suffers from hiccups, please contact me for a free consultation.


Implausible Career Option
Wonder Woman

Qualifications
I can do the Lynda Carter spin while simultaneously taking my hair down and my glasses off.  I've been practicing for years.  Also, I have an invisible jet, and you can't prove that I don't.


Implausible Career Option
Pimp

Qualifications
I'll cut a motherfucker if I don't get my money.


Namaste, Bitches




Comments:

guytroy2579 said:
Hey, this is your brother. I just wanted to point out that you didn't invent "eleventy". Actually J. R. R. Tolkien (ever hear of Lord of the Rings?) used that word to describe Bilbo's age. Also, Mom wants you to call her. Said she hasn't heard from you in a while.

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