Sunday, September 30, 2018

Hostile Witness


Once I was watching the news with my grandpa and there was a story about a rape. My grandpa said, “Any man who does that to a woman out to have his dick cut off and shoved up his ass.” I call that Papaw Justice. Just putting it out there.

Brett Kavanaugh's testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee was erratic and belligerent. It was the kind of behavior one might expect from an alcoholic rapist. He displayed very poor judgment, which should be a disqualifying factor when one is applying for the position of judge.

The republican senators only learned one thing from the Anita Hill hearing. They didn't come off looking so good. In fact, one might say they behaved like a gaggle of alcoholic rapists. To avoid making that mistake again, Senator Chuck Grassley hired a lady prosecutor to interview Dr. Christine Blasey Ford on behalf of the GOP senators. It was weird. Dr. Ford's testimony was credible and heartbreaking. Lady Prosecutor seemed to have a hard time prosecuting this clearly traumatized rape victim. Which makes sense considering it wasn't a criminal trial. And I'm no legal expert, but I believe prosecutors are usually on the side of the victim. The lady prosecutor plan was so stupid even Lady Prosecutor didn't seem to know why she was there.

For hours Dr. Ford told the soul crushing story of how Judge Brett Kavanaugh attempted to rape her while his creepy rape buddy, Mark Judge, laughed and jumped on the bed. Only Lady Prosecutor and the democratic senators spoke directly to Dr. Ford. The republican senators all sat ashen faced and silent, with the exception of Chuck Grassley who asked his assistant to get Dr. Ford a Coke. Although Senator Grassley has made it clear he has every intention of placing Dr. Ford's rapist on the Supreme Court, he demands we all acknowledge he was nice to her. Because he offered her a refreshment. Coke acknowledged.


The original plan was for Lady Prosecutor to question Judge Kavanaugh as well. However, once the traumatized rape victim was out of the room the republicans forgot all about Lady Prosecutor. In fact, one might say they all began to behave like a gaggle of alcoholic rapists.

In his opening statement Judge Kavanaugh named all the women he hasn't raped. Because I guess, we're supposed to give him extra credit for that. He was then moved to tears while describing his father's method of keeping calendar records. It was a truly heart wrenching moment for the republican senators who seemed to be really fond of rape and calendars. 
 
He then screamed something about a Clinton conspiracy. It was as if he'd secreted some weird pheromone that only affects GOP members. All the republican senators began ranting incoherently. It was like the hearing had been overtaken by a gaggle of alcoholic rapists.

Senator Lindsey Graham exploded into what I can only describe as a full on maniacal asshole attack. “He is not Bill Cosby,” Graham shouted to the heavens. No shit. Bill Cosby is a much better actor. 

Graham screamed to Brett Kavanaugh he had nothing to apologize for. Then he scream-asked, “Are you a gang rapist?” I think he should have asked that question earlier.  Asking about gang rape after he told Brett he didn't need to apologize kind of made it seem like Lindsey Graham doesn't care if he's a rapist or not.

Speaking of people who don't have to apologize, Orrin Hatch believes Anita Hill should apologize for being sexually harassed. Or, I guess, just snitching about it. Honestly, I don't know why she should apologize, but Orrin Hatch is adamant she should. Orrin Hatch said the Kavanaugh hearing was worse than the Clarence Thomas hearing. I agree, but sadly for different reasons.

While being questioned/coddled by the republican senators Kavanaugh was a weepy mess. He was all like, “Oh, woe is me. I've been through hell. I may never be able to coach girl's basketball again. Hanging out with teenage girls is seriously, like, my favorite thing in the whole world. It's even more important to me than this judge shit.”

The republicans were all like, “Stay strong, bro.” So touched were they by Brett's hysterical display they didn't seem to realize his obsession with Catholic school girls is kind of rape-y. 

 
While being questioned by the democratic senators Kavanaugh was an obnoxious, arrogant, spoiled, rich, whiny, frat boy bitch. His parents must accept some responsibility for naming him Brett in the first place. Brett is an asshole name. One might expect an alcoholic rapist to be named Brett.

The democrats all asked why he didn't want an FBI investigation if he was innocent. He had varying answers to this question, none of which were actual answers to the question. He shouted, “I have been dealing with this for ten whole days.” I guess the idea that Dr. Ford has been dealing with this for thirty-six years was completely lost on him. Or he just didn't give a shit as one might expect from an alcoholic rapist.

Kavanaugh stated/screamed he couldn't have raped anyone because he was a virgin until he was thirty-two. Had he bothered to listen to Dr. Ford's testimony he would have known his virginity doesn't prove his innocence. Dr. Ford claimed she was attacked by both Brett and his creepy rape buddy, Mark Judge, yet due to their intoxication she was able to get away. The only thing his interminable virginity proves is that he is bad at rape. Not that he hasn't tried.

When questioned about his drinking Brett yelled, “I like beer. I've been drinking since I was a teenager. It was totally legal. But I've never been drunk because I played basketball and got into Yale Law School.” I'm not sure why he thinks Yale and alcoholism are mutually exclusive. I can think of at least one other alcoholic who attended Yale.

 
Also, I call bullshit on people who claim they like beer for the taste and not the alcohol. Because non-alcoholic beer is a thing and no one drinks it.

Brett's creepy rape buddy, Mark Judge, wrote a book about his own drinking problem entitled, Wasted: Tales of a Gen X Drunk. In the book Mark, clearly a master of disguise, changed the name of his creepy rape buddy from Brett Kavanaugh to Bart O. Kavanaugh. It's the kind of cleverness one might expect from a failed alcoholic rapist.


Brett was asked if the character of Bart O. Kavanaugh who was described as a black-out drunk was based on himself. Brett screamed, “Don't make fun of my friend, you jerk.” It was the kind of disjointed outburst one might expect from an alcoholic rapist.

I'm reminded of the E! True Hollywood Story of Todd Bridges. Todd Bridges, former star of Diff'rent Strokes, was arrested for the murder of a drug dealer. Todd was so fucked up he had no memory of the evening. He remembered smoking some crack and everything after that was a bit of a blur. When asked if he pleaded guilty or not guilty Todd replied, “I don't know. Is there a third option, maybe?”

Republicans are prepared to place a man on the Supreme Court who lacks the moral high ground of Todd Bridges. 

The last two republican senators to speak were Jeff Flake and the man Brian Williams calls John – No Relation – Kennedy.

Jeff Flake turned to his republican colleagues who had been behaving like a gaggle of alcoholic rapists and said, “Guys, don't be a dick.”

John – No Relation – Kennedy asked Judge Kavanaugh if he swears to God he didn't do this. It was stupid, but I think he was trying not to be a dick after Jeff Flake said, “don't be a dick.” He was probably pissed he had to go last. I bet he was thinking, “Everyone else got to be a dick. But if I act like a dick after Flake says, 'don't be a dick,' then I'm going to look like a dick.”

The next day, after being confronted by rape victims, Jeff Flake coerced Trump into opening up an FBI investigation for the duration of one whole week. He is being hailed as a hero for doing the very least could do. But when one is compared to a gaggle of alcoholic rapists the bar for heroism is pretty low.

 
Namaste, Bitches

Sunday, September 23, 2018

Reluctant Witness


Rape is bad. I don't know why I have to keep saying that, but apparently I do. I have to say it over. (The Art of A Deal...Appendix 27) And over. (How Low Can You Go?) And over. (The No-Reilly Factor) And over. (Access Hollywood - Special Victims Unit) And over. (A Different World) And over.


It's no surprise President Pussy Grabber is defending a rapist he nominated for the Supreme Court. It's also no surprise he nominated a rapist for the Supreme Court. In fact, I would be shocked – shocked I tell you – if Brett Kavanaugh turned out not to be a rapist.

Republican senators and the like are trying out some truly idiotic defenses for Kavanugh. My favorite being that Dr. Ford is mistaken about the identity of her rapist. She was raped by another student who kind of looks like Brett Kavanaugh. I love this one because it boxes them in a corner. They can't feign outrage over an "innocent" man being accused when they literally accused an innocent man. And just like their fearless leader, they aren't denying she was raped, just whodunit.


The Brett Kavanaugh/Dr. Ford controversy has led to many obvious comparisons to the Clarence Thomas/Anita Hill hearings. It should be noted some of the senators guilty of idiotically defending Kavanaugh and treating Dr. Ford like shit are the very same senators who idiotically defended Clarence Thomas and treated Anita Hill like shit. The Clarence Thomas confirmation was twenty-seven years ago. Remember that if you have any hesitation about voting in the mid-terms. Twenty-seven years. Same fucking senators.

I shall now tell the story of Anita F. Hill for those too young to remember. For those too old to remember. And for those who simply weren't paying attention. The story takes place in 1991. Donna Troy was fourteen years old in 1991. I have pieced together this history through my adolescent recollections, YouTube clips and the HBO movie Confirmation starring Kerry Washington.

Reluctant Witness: The Anita Hill Story

In 1991, Thurgood Marshall, the first African American justice on the Supreme Court, decided it was time to retire as he was quite old. President George Herbert Walker Bush figured he should replace a black judge with a black judge so as not to seem racist. Finding a conservative black judge proved to be difficult as republicans tend to be super racist. They searched high and low until they found a black judge with the whitest name possible, Clarence Thomas. George said, “He'll do,” and promptly nominated him.

Meanwhile in Oklahoma, Professor Anita Hill was minding her own damn business when out of the blue, she received a phone call from an aide or something who worked for Senator Joe Biden.

Aide or Something: Professor Hill, we understand Clarence Thomas sexually harassed you when you worked together at the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission.

Anita: How did you find out?

Aide or Something: We have our ways.

Anita: I don't want to talk about it.

Aide or Something: You want this guy on the Supreme Court?

Anita: No, but I was sexually harassed while working on sexual harassment cases at the EEOC for fuck's sake.


Women who come forward are treated like shit.

Aide or Something: We'll protect you.

Anita: I don't want my name to go public.

Aide or Something: Cool.

The next thing you know an aide or something leaked Anita Hill's story to the press and she was subpoenaed to testify before Congress. With all of three days to prepare, she got her shit together and hired some lawyers.

Meanwhile back in D.C., Clarence Thomas made a statement, variations of which, all men accused of sexual harassment will use to this very day. While I don't remember doing anything that can be construed as sexual harassment, I'm sorry if she misinterpreted my actions.”

Anita Hill flew to Washington and prepared to testify in front of all white male senators. This group of senators included such notables as:

Super Predator Senator Ted Kennedy who once got drunk, drove his car into a lake, saved himself and left his mistress to drown. Then went back to his hotel to sleep it off without calling for help.

Super Racist Senator Strom Thurmond who, with his back against the wall, was forced to choose misogyny over racism.

Super Douche-Bag Senator Orrin Hatch who can currently be found abusing a rape victim via Twitter.

Senior Super Douche-Bag Senator Chuck Grassley who can currently be found abusing a rape victim via Twitter.

Anita Hill began her testimony by recounting the many instances of sexual harassment perpetrated by Clarence Thomas. What sticks out from my adolescent memories are something about pubes on a Coke can and a porn star named Long Dong Silver. However, I confused him with Long Duk Dong from the movie, Sixteen Candles, and I couldn't figure out how Molly Ringwald got involved in all this.

Professor Hill was then treated like shit by the senators. Since there is really no difference between them, I shall refer to each senator as Strom Thurmond.


Strom Thurmond: Isn't it true you wanted to date Clarence Thomas and you're basically just a scorned lover?

Anita: No.

Strom Thurmond: Professor Hill, are you horny right now?

Anita: No.

Strom Thurmond: I went to the library and told the librarian to bring me every book that mentions a pubic hair. She told me they don't catalog books that way. I said, “Dammit, bring me a book with a pubic hair.” She said, “I think there was something in The Exorcist.” I said, “Do you know what page? I don't want to read the whole book.” She said, “No.” So, I read the whole book and right here on Page 229 is an alien pubic hair. Professor Hill, what say you to that?

Anita: I don't understand the question.

Strom Thurmond: Have you read The Exorcist?

Anita: No.

Strom Thurmond: I find that hard to believe. Page 229.

Anita: Is that a question?

Strom Thurmond: Were you drinking?

Anita: I'm sorry. Is the question 'was I drinking when you read The Exorcist'?

Strom Thurmond: Were you drinking when you had dinner with Judge Thomas?

Anita: No.

Strom Thurmond: Did Judge Thomas ask you to watch the Long Dong Silver movie with him?

Anita: No, he said I should watch it.

Strom Thurmond: Well, then, how is that sexual harassment?

Anita: He described pornography to me in graphic detail at work.

Strom Thurmond: Why did you wait so long to come forward?

Anita: I didn't come forward. I was subpoenaed.

Strom Thurmond: Why did you wait to be subpoenaed to come forward?

Anita: I'm not sure what you're asking.

After seven hours of that kind of bullshit they dismissed Anita Hill. Clarence Thomas was then brought in to testify. He opened with a statement that went something like: “I'm a black man. This is some racist bullshit. This is a public lynching. Deal with that, Whitey.”

The white senators all looked at Super Racist Strom Thurmond and realized they didn't have a lot of credibility in the racism department. And that is how Clarence Thomas became a Supreme Court Justice.

Oddly enough, none of the senators looked at Super Predator Ted Kennedy and realized they didn't have a lot of credibility in the misogyny department.

All is not lost for every time someone says the words, “Justice Clarence Thomas,” everyone is thinking “Anita Hill.” Suck on that, Clarence.


Author's Note: That Exorcist shit really happened and current sitting senator Orrin Hatch was the perpetrator. Although, my telling of the event wasn't entirely accurate. I inadvertently made Orrin Hatch seem more intelligent than he appeared. My apologies to the reader. My imagination is not as stupid as Orrin Hatch.


Namaste, Bitches

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