Sunday, February 17, 2019

Sans Regret


One day I was in a small shop. The owner was in the back when I selected my purchase. As I waited at the register with my merchandise, a young woman entered and began looking around. When the owner emerged, he stopped suddenly on his way to the register. He looked at me, then looked at the other woman and walked over to her. He said, “Can I help you?” She said, “No, I'm just looking around if that's alright.”

I was pissed because he ignored me when I was ready to check out while the other woman was clearly browsing. I assumed he did this because the other woman was younger and cuter than me and this guy was a total creeper. I was tempted to leave, but he kept staring at that woman in a super pervy, “To Catch a Predator,” type way. I didn't want to leave her alone with him. He started ringing up my purchase, but continued starting at the other woman while barely acknowledging my presence.

Finally, the other woman was creeped out enough to leave the store. The moment she departed, Creepy Store Owner finally acknowledged my presence. In a mocking tone he said, “I'm just looking if that's alright. If you don't speak to them, you're ignoring them. If you do, you're harassing them.” The other woman was black. Did I forget to mention that?

I'm sure people who live in a white privilege bubble will say things like:

“So what? If they don't shop in that store, there won't be a problem.”

Or:

“If they never go outside, police won't shoot them for no reason. And there won't be a problem.”

Bullshit like this fills me with such rage I have no choice but to pull out my laptop and blog about it. I pound the keyboard excessively hard as I type to punctuate my rage. That's right. I'm willing to risk carpal tunnel to fight injustice. You're welcome, America.

In my previous post, Dear White Trash, I addressed my distaste for people who are cool with blackface. I only discovered people who have a peculiar emotional attachment to blackface after my sister shared a previous post entitled, Dear White People, on her Facebook page. Though my intentions were good, it seems I may have hurt people with my offensive use of the term, white trash. Please excuse me while I write an open letter of apology to white trash.

Dear White Trash,

I am deeply sorry you were offended to learn of your white trashiness. Based on your public comments, which are all like, “#MAGA! Trump was sent by God to save us all from imaginary problems,” I foolishly assumed I couldn't possibly be the first to call you white trash.

Perhaps, we can use this moment to build a bridge of unity over a river of rainbows, or however you see the world from your perch atop White Privilege Mountain.

If you would so indulge me, please take a moment and really think about how being called white trash made you feel. Sure it pissed you off, but on the plus side, the person who said it – me – has no power over your lives.

Now, take a look at this picture of a current sitting governor.


This man is in a position of power and you thought black people should just shrug it off. And then tried to paint yourselves as the victims.

Now please indulge me as I share some lyrics from I'm Not Racist by Joyner Lucas.

“And even if I wasn't picking cotton physically
That don't mean I'm not affected by the history
My grandmama was a slave, that shit gets to me
And you ain't got no motherfucking sympathy” 

 
I'm also deeply sorry to have mentioned the extent to which our hometown was, and is, immersed in racism. It seems your memories are as camouflaged as your clothes. I could list numerous examples of racism, but one should suffice. There was a KKK march in our town in the nineteen-motherfucking-eighties. I'd like to forget it happened too, but alternative facts are just lies we tell ourselves to avoid confronting nasty shit. I don't care what Kellyanne Conway says.


One of you rambled incoherently about my post showing what's really in my heart. Uh, yeah, I was pretty open and deliberate with my words. Perhaps, you should give a little more thought to what you choose to show.

You see, Facebook is located on this thing called the World Wide Web. This means people all around the world can see everything you post. And when you post on the timeline of a person from high school, people from your high school aren't the only ones reading it. When we declared our abhorrence for this:
 


And someone responded with this:

“When will we stop trying to perpetuate racial tensions? Let's not look for racism. Let's not go backward. For your one instance of racism I see hundreds of unity in my church.”

That was extremely hurtful to people I care about. People who felt the sting of this:


I shall now quote a friend who so poignantly stated how those comments affected her:

“You know in my adult years I have literally gone through the stages of grief when it comes to race. I've been sad, angry, even depressed. The only reason why they don't want people to “dig” for racism is because they know it will expose them. She basically pulled the 'I'm not racist. I have a black friend.' Thank you for using the color of my skin as a token to make you feel better.”

And now, since you're all Trump supporters, it is my duty as a snarky blogger to block the on-ramp to the moral high road you so clearly believe you're entitled to. 


Ladies and Gentlemen and White Trash: The President of the United States

“A well-educated black has a tremendous advantage over a well-educated white in terms of the job market. I think sometimes a black may think they don't have an advantage or this and that... I've said on one occasion, even about myself, if I were starting off today, I would love to be a well-educated black, because I believe they do have an actual advantage.” - Donald Trump, September 13, 1989 


“I want five children, like in my own family, because with five, then I will know that one will be guaranteed to turn out like me,” - Donald Trump, September 1, 1990

“You know, it doesn't really matter what the media writes as long as you've got a young and beautiful piece of ass.” - Donald Trump, 1991

“You have to treat 'em [women] like shit.” - Donald Trump, November 9, 1992


 “I love the poorly educated.” - Donald Trump, February 24, 2016

“Wow! Just think — in a couple of years I’ll be dating you.” - Donald Trump to two 14-year-old girls in 1992

“I'm gonna be dating her in ten years.” - Donald Trump of a 10-year-old girl, in 1992 - CBS News

 
“I'll go backstage, before a show, and everyone's getting dressed and ready and everything else. And you know, no men are anywhere. And I'm allowed to go in because I'm the owner of the pageant and therefore I'm inspecting it. You know I'm inspecting, I want to make sure everything is good, the dresses, "Is everyone OK?", you know they're standing there with no clothes, "Is everybody OK?", and you see these incredible-looking women, and so I sort of get away with things like that.” - Donald Trump commenting on his ownership of Miss Universe, April 11, 2005


“If Ivanka weren't my daughter, perhaps I'd be dating her.” - Donald Trump on The View, March 6, 2006

“I sort of hope a housing crash happens because then people like me would go in and buy.” - Donald Trump,  November 4, 2006

“If Hillary Clinton can't satisfy her husband, what makes her think she can satisfy America?” - Donald Trump,  April 16, 2015

“He's a war hero 'cause he was captured. I like people that weren't captured, OK? I hate to tell you.” - Donald Trump, July 8, 2015


 “You could see there was blood coming out of her eyes, blood coming out of her wherever.” - Donald Trump about Megyn Kelly, August 7, 2015

“I could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody, and I wouldn't lose any voters.” - Donald Trump, January 23, 2016 

“They said, "Mr. Trump, there may be somebody with tomatoes in the audience." So if you see somebody getting ready to throw a tomato, knock the crap out of them, would you? Seriously... Okay? Just knock the hell... I promise you I will pay for the legal fees, I promise. I promise.” - Donald Trump, February 1, 2016 


“I love the old days. You know what they used to do to guys like that when they were in a place like this? They'd be carried out on a stretcher, folks. I'd like to punch him in the face, I'll tell you.” - Donald Trump, February 22, 2016


"By the way, if you had some guns in that club the night that this took place, if you had guns on the other side, you wouldn't have had the tragedy that you had. If people in that room had guns with the bullets flying in the opposite direction right at him." - Donald Trump on the Orlando nightclub shooting,  June 2016

“Saddam Hussein was a bad guy. Right? He was a bad guy, really bad guy. But you know what he did well? He killed terrorists. He did that so good. They didn't read them the rights -- they didn't talk, they were a terrorist, it was over.” - Donald Trump, July 5, 2016

(The Source these stats are credited to does not exist. Fact.) 

“You know what, I wanted to hit a couple of those speakers so hard. ... I was gonna hit one guy in particular, a very little guy. I was gonna hit this guy so hard, his head would spin. He wouldn't know what the hell happened.” - Donald Trump, July 29, 2016 


“I like the challenge and tell the story of the coal miner’s son. The coal miner gets black-lung disease, his son gets it, then his son. If I had been the son of a coal miner, I would have left the damn mines. But most people don’t have the imagination — or whatever — to leave their mine. They don’t have “it.” - Donald Trump, 1990 Playboy Interview

“I moved on her, actually. You know, she was down on Palm Beach. I moved on her, and I failed. I’ll admit it. I did try and fuck her. She was married. I moved on her like a bitch. But I couldn’t get there. And she was married. Then all of a sudden I see her, she’s now got the big phony tits and everything. She’s totally changed her look. Yeah, that’s her. With the gold. I better use some Tic Tacs just in case I start kissing her. You know, I’m automatically attracted to beautiful — I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab ’em by the pussy. You can do anything.” - Donald Trump, 2005,  Access Hollywood

I now see the error of my ways. It was low class of me to refer to people as white trash. From this day forward I shall follow the meritorious example set by our president and carry myself with the same grace and dignity.

So again, allow me to offer my sincerest apologies to those I offended. I'm terribly sorry you're so goddamn dumb. Deep down in the cockles of my heart lies a small place which takes pity on witless assholes. Unfortunately, the part which yearns to mercilessly ridicule them is dominant.

Sans Regret,
Donna Troy



Namaste, Bitches

Sunday, February 10, 2019

Dear White Trash



In my last post I took a brave stance against blackface. I'm sure you're all thinking, “Wow, Donna, that was super badass of you. Taking a stand on civil rights in the year 2019. You're truly a trail blazer.” While I do try to be a ride or die kind of bitch, I have to admit I didn't expect any blow black on my blackface piece. At least not from people I know. Because I make it a point not to associate with people who are down with blackface. Imagine my surprise when I found myself in my first ever Facebook fight with someone I completely forgot existed.

I'm from West Virginia. My hometown has one stop light that is completely unnecessary. As far back as I can remember all I ever wanted was to get the fuck out of this one light town. In 1998 I got the fuck out. This brings us to the present. I've been writing this blog for three years. My sister has posted every piece on her Facebook page for the past three years. Person I Forgot Existed has never commented on any post, thus allowing me to continue forgetting her existence. That is, until my sister posted my brave stance against blackface. And Person I Forgot Existed lost her shit. The rest of this piece will be dedicated to mocking Person I Forgot Existed. Because she totally fucking asked for it.


Before I continue, however, I would like to point out that not everyone from my hometown is a useless piece of white trash shit. There are good, intelligent and compassionate people who don't deserve to be lumped in with the rest of them. For example, there is my sister, my mom, my dad, Tricia and Melanie. There are more than five good people, but in the interest of time I'm only giving shout outs to those I know read my blog.

During the entire twenty years I lived in my hometown the African American population was two. Despite only knowing two black people, who most everyone seemed to like, racism thrived. People tossed the N-word around with reckless abandon. It made no sense. Why such hatred for black people? They're not here. They can't be affecting your lives at all. Racists in cities with an African American population higher than two can at least make up dumbass excuses for their hatred. They claim black people are responsible for drugs, crime and lower property values. But Person I Forgot Existed can't even say that.

Here's a tip for spotting racists: Any white person who jumps at the chance to call black people racist is totally racist. Like this jackass I used to know got all worked up over BET. He was all like, “Tell me how that's not segregation to call it Black Entertainment Television.” So I told him. “I've seen white people on BET. People of all races are welcome to watch it.  Their target audience is black and that's perfectly okay. Because the target audience of most networks is white and you're perfectly okay with that.” And then he was all like, “But you couldn't have a network called White Entertainment Television.” And I said, “No, but we have a network called Country Music Television, which I think we both know is not-so-secret code for white people.” We haven't spoken since and I'm perfectly okay with that.


Remember how they tried to make honky a thing in the seventies as the white equivalent of the N-word. George Jefferson really pushed it hard, but it never landed. Because white people haven't suffered the pain of enduring centuries of enslavement, violence and oppression, the only people offended by the word honky were racist.

So this Honky I Forgot Existed went on a rambling diatribe proclaiming racism no longer exists. For real. 

She made one small concession to the existence of racism. And I quote, “I guess if you’re looking for it, then yes you can find it.”

My roommate, Dee Dee On The Street, has requested I respond with her favorite Malcolm X quote:

“We didn't land on Plymouth Rock. Plymouth Rock landed on us.” (Note to the reader: You should shout that out loud when you read it, then slam your fist on a table or other flat service in your vicinity.)


I shall try to sum up the long-winded rant from Person I Forgot Existed. It seems by acknowledging racism I am “sowing the seeds of discord” when I should be calling for unity.

Because I've read more than one book in my life, I'm aware of another call for unity. On April 12, 1963, eight white clergy men in Birmingham, Alabama wrote an open letter entitled, A Call For Unity. In the letter, they took issue with civil rights demonstrations "directed and led in part by outsiders." The term “outsider” was a thinly veiled reference to Martin Luther King, Jr. And as we all know these white Christian leaders totally solved racism and Martin Luther King recently celebrated his ninetieth birthday. And February is Black History Month to honor those courageous white men.


Anyway, Person I Forgot Existed claims racism has been eradicated because she attends a multi-cultural church. And by simply ignoring racism it went away. I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to a middle-aged woman that ignoring problems won't make them go away. I've spent twenty years ignoring white trash and they came for me with a resentful vengeance because I dared to declare my staunch animosity for blackface.

Now please excuse me while I write an open letter to Person I Forgot Existed.

Dear Sanctimonious Cunt I Forgot Existed,

Bitch, you don't score bonus Jesus points because your church isn't whites only. I'm not sure why you think it's admirable of you to mix with the other races every Sunday from nine to ten, but no.

I don't know why you felt the need to jump on my sister's timeline and bore us all with your self-proclaimed virtue. This was about the current racist scandal in the Virginia government, which directly affects the lives of millions of citizens. This song ain't about you, Bitch.

Although, please indulge me while I share some lyrics from a song that is about you, I'm Not Racist by Joyner Lucas.

“I'm not racist, my sister's boyfriend's black
 I'm not racist, my sister-in-law's baby cousin Tracy
 Got a brother and his girlfriend's black”

"The lady doth protest too much, methinks." That's from Hamlet, which I'm sure you've never read.

I see from your Facebook timeline you spent the entire Obama administration referring to him as B. HUSSEIN Obama. And calling him an amoral Muslim. And posting memes for the sole purpose of “pissing off liberal democrats.” Your exemplary public display of strong Christian values is truly beyond reproach. Also, memes aren't a credible source of information. It's weird you don't that.

President Obama didn't choose his own name. There were many people named Adolph before Hitler rose to power. Their names say nothing of their character. Purposely distorting someone's name in a derogatory manner says a lot about your character, though.

Also, President Obama is not Muslim. But it shouldn't matter if he were Muslim. Again, I shouldn't have to explain this to a person your age. There are some bad Muslims, but they don't define all people of the Muslim faith. If I were to judge all Christians by the standard you've set, I would have to assume all Christians are unconscionable cretins.

Please indulge me while I share more lyrics from I'm Not Racist by Joyner Lucas.

“You hated President Obama, I know that's a fact
 You couldn't wait to get him out and put a cracker back
 And then you gave us Donald Trump and now it's payback for that
 I'm not racist, I never lied
 But I know there's a disconnect between your culture and mine”

As you have publicly denied the existence of racism, I banish you to the Land of People I Forgot Existed. I dub thee an unperson. That is from the book Nineteen Eighty-Four by George Orwell, which I'm sure you've never read.


Defending blackface is inexcusable, indefensible and stupid. And posting your defense of blackface on my sister's timeline was epically stupid. You know her. You had to know this wouldn't end well for you.

My sister and I recently did 23andMe DNA tests. Our results came back 100% Bitch. You'd be wise to remember that, you Cracker-Ass Cracker.

Warm Wishes,
Donna Troy
 


Namaste, Bitches

Friday, February 8, 2019

Dear White People



I love to hear someone romanticizing the era of their youth. They fondly reminisce of a simpler time when everyone knew their neighbors, gay people hadn't been invented yet and steak was considered heart healthy. This is almost always followed by a rant about how the world is going to hell because school prayer has been outlawed, or because cursive writing is no longer being taught, or because Google. Then I get to shit all over their romanticized youth. And that's a lot of fun for me. I get to say things such as:

“Damn. I missed the Holocaust. What a neat and exciting time to be alive. I hope I get the chance to witness the slaughter of six million people in my lifetime.”

Or:

“Yeah, I heard the sixties were great. All those assassinations and race riots. And separate water fountains for whites and “colored.” What happened with that water fountain thing? Everyone drinks bottled water now, so I'm not sure if the whole water fountain thing was ever resolved. Also, the music sucked. Bob Dylan is a pothead, not a genius.”

Or:

“I don't know how the human race survived the seventies. Men were so ugly back then. It's true. Watch any TV show or movie from the seventies and try to find a good looking man. It can't be done.”

And now, thanks to the racist bullshit in the Virginia government I can look fondly back on my own childhood and say, “Ah, the eighties. A time when people were nostalgic for blackface.”

For those who haven't been following the news, I shall sum up what's happening. Last week a college yearbook photo was circulated of Virginia Governor Ralph Northam in blackface standing next to a man in a Klan outfit. I assume it was a man. The face was covered so it could have been a woman, but I don't think even a racist woman would wear such an ugly outfit. The governor immediately put out a statement that was all like, “Shit. Sorry. I was an idiot back when I was in medical school. That was fucked up.”

The next day Governor Northam gave a press conference where he said, “Okay, so I called some of my college buddies last night and they said it wasn't me in the picture. So I'm going to take back my apology. But there was one time in 1984 when I put shoe polish on my face to look like Michael Jackson for a dance contest. It didn't work. People didn't believe Michael Jackson would enter a dance contest at a medical school in Virginia.”

A reporter who is clearly in the wrong profession asked the governor if he could do the Moonwalk. The governor asked his wife for permission to Moonwalk. She said no. 


The governor further stated he only used a little shoe polish because it's hard to get off. Which is something you would only know if you've had a previous experience with shoe polish on your face. It's disturbingly stupid to think an ambitious medical student in 1984 wouldn't know wearing blackface is wrong. It's also really bad for his pores. As a general skincare rule, you should never use shoe products on your face.

Following the Moonwalk press conference most decent people called for the governor to step down. But he was all like, “No. I'm not going anywhere and you can't make me.”

Lt. Governor Justin Fairfax would become the governor if Governor Northam stepped down. However, immediately after the Moonwalk incident Fairfax was accused of sexual assault by a college professor he met at the DNC in 2004. Fairfax claimed the encounter was consensual, then he went out and hired the same attorneys who represented Brett Kavanaugh. So this motherfucker is dead to me.

On MSNBC people were debating which is worse: blackface or sexual assault. I think they are equally heinous. However, some woman said blackface isn't a crime. She's right. It's not a crime. Shoving a lit candle up your ass is not a crime, but most people know not to do it.


Virginia State Attorney General Mark Herring would become governor if both Governor Northam and Lt. Governor Fairfax stepped down. Knowing he was already fucked, Herring held a press conference where he announced there is a picture of him in blackface in his 1980 college yearbook.

Virginia Speaker of the House Kirk Cox would become governor if Governor Northam, Lt. Governor Fairfax and Attorney General Mark Herring all stepped down. Kirk Cox won his seat by guessing how many jelly beans were in a jar or something like that. The race was tied and when a race is tied in Virginia they revert to carnie rules.

Since the Virginia Moonwalk, more blackface yearbook photos from the eighties have been uncovered in various schools and states. Which really makes me wonder about the school officials who allowed these to be published. If I may offer a bit of advice to any recent high school graduates: Before applying to a college, check to see if the college of your choosing is now, or has ever been, cool with blackface. If you find a school has an open blackface policy, then it's probably not the best place to get an education.

The Virginia Moonwalk also caused me to wonder how I missed the blackface that was apparently so prevalent in the eighties. My sister brought up the time our brother dressed as Michael Jackson for Halloween in 1984. He didn't wear blackface. Because five-year-olds don't know blackface is a thing. And it never occurred to him to put shoe polish on his face to dress as Michael Jackson. Because five-year-olds don't own shoe polish.


When I looked at the picture his bowl cut made me think of Joey Lawrence on Gimme A Break. And then I remembered a Very Special Episode of Gimme A Break where Joey wore blackface. As a matter of fact, that was the first time I'd ever heard of blackface. Coincidentally, the episode aired in 1984.

If you're under forty, you're probably all like, “What the fuck is Gimme A Break?” I'll tell you. Gimme A Break was sitcom starring Nell Carter, a black woman. Nell's best friend, a white woman, died. Dead White Woman's final wish was for Nell to move in with her white husband and children to raise her family. It's a stupid premise, but that was basically every sitcom in the eighties. Orphaned black kids raised by white people. Orphaned white kids raised by black people. Lots of Very Special Episodes. Rinse and repeat. 


After I remembered Gimme A Break, I was reminded of a Very Special Episode of Diff'rent Strokes which gave us Dana Plato in blackface. 


Diff'rent Strokes made me think of this really awful movie from 1986 called Soul Man. C. Thomas Howell plays a rich white kid who wants to go to Harvard. At the last minute, his dad is all like, “Fuck you. I'm not paying for Harvard. I'm buying a boat or something.” But C. Thomas Howell really wanted to go to Harvard, so he took the next obvious step and applied to a scholarship meant for African American students. He took a bunch of tanning pills. I don't if tanning pills are a real thing, but if they are they can't be good for you. He put on some additional brown make up, a Jheri Curl wig and fooled Harvard into giving him the scholarship. Next we are treated to some cringe worthy moments, such as this:



And this:


C. Thomas Howell goes to Harvard in blackface and learns life was much easier as a rich white kid. Which, I guess, was the whole point of the movie, but I feel like most people already knew that. He falls in love with the black girl who should have received the scholarship he stole. In the end, he comes clean, gets the girl and James Earl Jones tells him he doesn't have to give the money back. What the fuck, James Earl Jones? He was rich and he stole from you. Come on. Also, Julia Louis Dreyfus was in this movie. Weird.


The entire premise of this movie is racially inappropriate, but I really fucking hate the title. Because now I will never be able to hear the song Soul Man without thinking of the movie Soul Man. Fucking white people ruin everything.

This made me remember Ted Danson wore blackface to the Roast of Whoopi Goldberg.  Whoopi said it was her idea. And this is where I'd like to offer some advice to any white people considering blackface. One black person doesn't speak on behalf of all black people. Just because Whoopi Goldberg thought it was funny doesn't mean all of Africa America will want to see Ted Danson in blackface.

After careful review I have concluded sitcoms are responsible for the prevalence of blackface in the eighties. This is why romanticizing your youth is dangerous. You completely block out all the racist shit until a Moonwalking incident in Virginia forces you to think about it.

The Virginia Moonwalk has been a delight for republicans as Northam, Fairfax and Herring are all democrats. Jelly Bean Speaker Cox is a republican. Republicans are so happy about a democrat scandal they're totally pissing themselves. And my fellow liberals have been responding to the republicans with things such as, “The racist acts of Donald Trump are too numerous to name them all and you have no problem with that. You have no problem with babies in dog kennels. You backed that pedophile in Alabama. And Brett Fucking Kavanaugh.”

While I understand you're just pointing out the hypocrisy of the republicans in power, I'm going to need you to stop it. Because it sounds like you're defending democrat racists and rapists and that's not really the message we want to send. Remember when the Access Hollywood tape was released and Trump's “apology” was basically, “Whatever. Bill Clinton is worse than me.” We need to be better than that.

When the pants pissing republicans get all up in your cookies and cream about the VA democrats, you should say, “You're right. They are deplorable people and they have to go. Even if it means we have to revert to carnie rules. I'm willing to do that for the good of my country. Because I'm better than you.” Never miss an opportunity to remind Trump supporters you're better than them.


Namaste, Bitches


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